What are my chances as the father of getting residential custody of my 6-year old?

[DadsArePeopleTo]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IL

Here's an outline of facts:
1. I am moving towards filing for divorce because I've learned of my wife's 2-year affair. IL is a no fault State, but I wanted to mention the reason why I'm filing. I don't want to, but feel as though I need to. My wife has no interest in working things out. Although she hasn't admitted the affair despite many opportunities to have the guts to do so, I have empirical proof of it.
2. We both work full-time in professional fields.
3. I play a MAJOR role (80%) in my child's life. My wife leaves for work or goes to the gym every morning before we wake, so I prepare breakfast and get him ready for/take him to school mostly every day.
4. I pick him up every day from school. My time is spent caring for him until my wife gets home from work.
5. I read to him every night, say prayers at bedtime and even lay with him until he falls asleep during those times when he is scared (ex. thunderstorm). I am there every morning to wake him. If he has a nightmare, he runs to my side of the bed for comfort.
6. I play with him at all times, teach him piano, play baseball, work in the yard together, take him to his swimming lessons, museums, ballgames, his Saturday school enrichment program, ice skating, help him with his homework, hang out just to watch his favorite tv shows and care for him on those weekends when my wife goes out, etc.
7. My wife travels a lot for work (just recently 1 full week), so I am a "single parent" during those times. She travels 4-5 days per month and has evening conference calls.
8. I take him to church on Sundays.
9. Etc.

My fear in filing for divorce is that I'd be the one needing to leave my home when it's obvious that she is the one who has strayed from marriage and betrayed us. There are no issues with violence, mental or physical health, arguing in front of our child, etc. I don't want any money from her (20% salary in IL); only a split of child costs like education, child care, necessary clothing. And I don't want to take my child away from "mom", so I'd agree to joint custody and a liberal visitation. All I want is to live in my own home as the residential parent for my child for normalcy and for the security, stability of my child's life. What are my chances of getting that through the courts if my wife doesn't agree to it?

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IL

Here's an outline of facts:
1. I am moving towards filing for divorce because I've learned of my wife's 2-year affair. IL is a no fault State, but I wanted to mention the reason why I'm filing. I don't want to, but feel as though I need to. My wife has no interest in working things out. Although she hasn't admitted the affair despite many opportunities to have the guts to do so, I have empirical proof of it.
2. We both work full-time in professional fields.
3. I play a MAJOR role (80%) in my child's life. My wife leaves for work or goes to the gym every morning before we wake, so I prepare breakfast and get him ready for/take him to school mostly every day.
4. I pick him up every day from school. My time is spent caring for him until my wife gets home from work.
5. I read to him every night, say prayers at bedtime and even lay with him until he falls asleep during those times when he is scared (ex. thunderstorm). I am there every morning to wake him. If he has a nightmare, he runs to my side of the bed for comfort.
6. I play with him at all times, teach him piano, play baseball, work in the yard together, take him to his swimming lessons, museums, ballgames, his Saturday school enrichment program, ice skating, help him with his homework, hang out just to watch his favorite tv shows and care for him on those weekends when my wife goes out, etc.
7. My wife travels a lot for work (just recently 1 full week), so I am a "single parent" during those times. She travels 4-5 days per month and has evening conference calls.
8. I take him to church on Sundays.
9. Etc.

My fear in filing for divorce is that I'd be the one needing to leave my home when it's obvious that she is the one who has strayed from marriage and betrayed us. There are no issues with violence, mental or physical health, arguing in front of our child, etc. I don't want any money from her (20% salary in IL); only a split of child costs like education, child care, necessary clothing. And I don't want to take my child away from "mom", so I'd agree to joint custody and a liberal visitation. All I want is to live in my own home as the residential parent for my child for normalcy and for the security, stability of my child's life. What are my chances of getting that through the courts if my wife doesn't agree to it?

I can't help but think that you're effectively trying to get back at Mom. She didn't betray your child. She betrayed you. I understand where you're coming from but that's really not the healthiest way to decide on custody.

Realistically both you and Mom stand equal in terms of who does the care-giving and for this reason alone I strongly suggest you consult with a local attorney before deciding anything.

 

[LdiJ]

I can't help but think that you're effectively trying to get back at Mom. She didn't betray your child. She betrayed you. I understand where you're coming from but that's really not the healthiest way to decide on custody.

Realistically both you and Mom stand equal in terms of who does the care-giving and for this reason alone I strongly suggest you consult with a local attorney before deciding anything.

I think that dad has the edge here a bit as primary caregiver...particularly since mom travels for work. However, what dad needs to understand is that joint legal custody is virtually a given, with a residential timeshare based on who has been the primary caregiver. However, I also think that something approaching 50/50 might end up being more realistic for them. Maybe even a non-traditional type of arrangement since apparently dad gets home from work well before mom.

Its also possible that mom will bend on the issue of primary custody, since dad does do the majority of the caregiving.

As far as moving out of the house is concerned, neither one of you has to move out until a judge says so as part of the divorce decree. Whoever keeps the house will need to be able to refinance the house into just their name, or the house will need to be sold and the proceeds split.

Do get a consult with a local divorce attorney. You do need a buffer between you and your emotions.

 

[I'mTheFather]

I can't help but think that you're effectively trying to get back at Mom. She didn't betray your child. She betrayed you. I understand where you're coming from but that's really not the healthiest way to decide on custody.

Realistically both you and Mom stand equal in terms of who does the care-giving and for this reason alone I strongly suggest you consult with a local attorney before deciding anything.

I disagree a bit. If she travels frequently for work, is gone in the morning before the child wakes, and dad picks the child up from school every day, he's doing more parenting than his wife.

If he files before his wife, he can request exclusive use of the home and primary custody. I agree about the attorney consult.

 

[LdiJ]

I disagree a bit. If she travels frequently for work, is gone in the morning before the child wakes, and dad picks the child up from school every day, he's doing more parenting than his wife.

If he files before his wife, he can request exclusive use of the home and primary custody. I agree about the attorney consult.

He can and certainly should ask for exclusive use of the home, however, I am going to re-emphasize that unless he can refinance the home for enough pay off the existing mortgage plus pay mom out her share of any equity that exists, the house is going to have to be sold...and I am leaning towards the "it will probably have to be sold" scenario. If they bought the house with two professional incomes the odds of qualifying for it with just one may not be very good. However, its also possible that they were smart purchasers who bought less house than they could afford.

Much depends upon where in IL they are. Anywhere near the Chicago area and housing costs are astronomical. In much of the rest of IL, housing costs are quite reasonable.

 

[Proserpina]

I disagree a bit. If she travels frequently for work, is gone in the morning before the child wakes, and dad picks the child up from school every day, he's doing more parenting than his wife.

If he files before his wife, he can request exclusive use of the home and primary custody. I agree about the attorney consult.

According to OP, she only travels 4-5 days a month. Naturally, both parents are going to .. embellish .. their side of things, but if that's all Dad has I'm not convinced his case for primary is any better than Mom's. There are also one or two items on that list which made me cringe a little bit.

 

[I'mTheFather]

According to OP, she only travels 4-5 days a month. Naturally, both parents are going to .. embellish .. their side of things, but if that's all Dad has I'm not convinced his case for primary is any better than Mom's. There are also one or two items on that list which made me cringe a little bit.

I got stuck on the full week, and overlooked the 4-5/month. Admittedly, that's not a deal breaker. If he's always the one who cares for the child before and after school though, I think the balance is a little more in his favor. Embellishments aside

As for the cringeworthy parts, I took that as a dad who believes dads don't have much of a chance at primary, and was putting forth his best effort to convince. I could be wrong. If he is as involved and mom is as uninvolved as he portrays, then mom may not even want primary custody if there's a new man in the picture.

 

[Proserpina]

I got stuck on the full week, and overlooked the 4-5/month. Admittedly, that's not a deal breaker. If he's always the one who cares for the child before and after school though, I think the balance is a little more in his favor. Embellishments aside

As for the cringeworthy parts, I took that as a dad who believes dads don't have much of a chance at primary, and was putting forth his best effort to convince. I could be wrong. If he is as involved and mom is as uninvolved as he portrays, then mom may not even want primary custody if there's a new man in the picture.

I'm not disagreeing, in all honesty - but are two items in particular that Dad obviously cares about but will be deemed completely unimportant in court. He can't use them against Mom at all.

Y'know?

 

[DadsArePeopleTo]

I'm not disagreeing, in all honesty - but are two items in particular that Dad obviously cares about but will be deemed completely unimportant in court. He can't use them against Mom at all.

Y'know?

Thanks for everyone's feedback. To answer a previous post, yes, I am a father who doesn't feel as though I have any chance to win primary residential custody because the courts still heavily favor the mother. My intent in compiling my list was to try and convey just how involved I am in my son's life, ever since he was born, due to my wife's work, travel and personal schedules, to see if a judge would take any of that into consideration. I have witnessed many "absentee" fathers. I find myself being a "single parent" quite often and with regards to the child's "best interest", it just seems odd to me that the courts would take a child away from his primary caregiver as it stands today just because that caregiver is the father. Your responses have validated my fear. And I apologize for any "cringe-worthy" items on my list! Again, I was just trying to provide an array of ways that I am there for my son because my "wife" isn't, and hasn't always been, present. So, over the past 6 years, my son has naturally formed a very strong bond because I have been the one who has been there when needed.

 

[Silverplum]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. To answer a previous post, yes, I am a father who doesn't feel as though I have any chance to win primary residential custody because the courts still heavily favor the mother. My intent in compiling my list was to try and convey just how involved I am in my son's life, ever since he was born, due to my wife's work, travel and personal schedules, to see if a judge would take any of that into consideration. I have witnessed many "absentee" fathers. I find myself being a "single parent" quite often and with regards to the child's "best interest", it just seems odd to me that the courts would take a child away from his primary caregiver as it stands today just because that caregiver is the father. Your responses have validated my fear. And I apologize for any "cringe-worthy" items on my list! Again, I was just trying to provide an array of ways that I am there for my son because my "wife" isn't, and hasn't always been, present. So, over the past 6 years, my son has naturally formed a very strong bond because I have been the one who has been there when needed.

The two items of concern for Proserpina are, quite likely, the church and Sunday school attendance; maybe also the evening prayers. Other than harping on those items, you look good.

 

[Just Blue]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. To answer a previous post, yes, I am a father who doesn't feel as though I have any chance to win primary residential custody because the courts still heavily favor the mother. My intent in compiling my list was to try and convey just how involved I am in my son's life, ever since he was born, due to my wife's work, travel and personal schedules, to see if a judge would take any of that into consideration. I have witnessed many "absentee" fathers. I find myself being a "single parent" quite often and with regards to the child's "best interest", it just seems odd to me that the courts would take a child away from his primary caregiver as it stands today just because that caregiver is the father. Your responses have validated my fear. And I apologize for any "cringe-worthy" items on my list! Again, I was just trying to provide an array of ways that I am there for my son because my "wife" isn't, and hasn't always been, present. So, over the past 6 years, my son has naturally formed a very strong bond because I have been the one who has been there when needed.

Please hire a GOOD
family Law attorney to assist you in your divorce.

Bst of luck to you and your family...

Blue

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. To answer a previous post, yes, I am a father who doesn't feel as though I have any chance to win primary residential custody because the courts still heavily favor the mother. My intent in compiling my list was to try and convey just how involved I am in my son's life, ever since he was born, due to my wife's work, travel and personal schedules, to see if a judge would take any of that into consideration. I have witnessed many "absentee" fathers. I find myself being a "single parent" quite often and with regards to the child's "best interest", it just seems odd to me that the courts would take a child away from his primary caregiver as it stands today just because that caregiver is the father. Your responses have validated my fear. And I apologize for any "cringe-worthy" items on my list! Again, I was just trying to provide an array of ways that I am there for my son because my "wife" isn't, and hasn't always been, present. So, over the past 6 years, my son has naturally formed a very strong bond because I have been the one who has been there when needed.

I don't think that you should feel that defeated at this point. I certainly think that you have a reasonable shot at primary custody, and a better than decent shot at 50/50 if primary custody doesn't fly. However, I would suggest that if it steers towards the 50/50 route, that you ask that you be allowed to provide after school care on mom's days, have right of first refusal when mom is traveling for work, and go the week on, week off route as that seems to be a bit easier on school aged children, than switching every couple of days.

 

[DadsArePeopleTo]

I don't think that you should feel that defeated at this point. I certainly think that you have a reasonable shot at primary custody, and a better than decent shot at 50/50 if primary custody doesn't fly. However, I would suggest that if it steers towards the 50/50 route, that you ask that you be allowed to provide after school care on mom's days, have right of first refusal when mom is traveling for work, and go the week on, week off route as that seems to be a bit easier on school aged children, than switching every couple of days.

All of this is assuming that we only let the courts decide because we cannot agree upon a settlement ourselves with a mediator, correct? We haven't gotten to the point yet of discussing a settlement, but I can't imagine it being in a mother's DNA to accept not being the primary caregiver. Anyway...

On a different tangent, knowing that it's probably not for this forum. I have no idea who you are or the situations you are in, but I do have a question seeking different viewpoints. In past discussions with my wife about infidelity as all this came about, I posed a question to her on whether or not she would want to be contacted by someone (even anonymously) if that someone knew I was having an affair. Without hesitation she said, "Of course!" She said that despite the initial shock, she'd appreciate knowing the creep that I really was and would essentially move on rather than continue living a lie. With that said, do I anonymously notify the cheating man's wife? My wife doesn't know that I know who he is because it's a long-distance affair. The intention is not to hurt my wife (because most likely this would hurt me more since it would only drive her closer to him), but rather to expose to the other man's wife just what a disrespectful "creep" she is living with. I guess I can try tying this in to a legal question. By doing so, would this in any way affect a court's decision on custody if it's found out that I did this? I assume it wouldn't because not only is IL a no fault State, but a wife who cheats plays no role in a court's decision. I'm interested in your thoughts. Thanks.

 

[I'mTheFather]

All of this is assuming that we only let the courts decide because we cannot agree upon a settlement ourselves with a mediator, correct? We haven't gotten to the point yet of discussing a settlement, but I can't imagine it being in a mother's DNA to accept not being the primary caregiver. Anyway...

On a different tangent, knowing that it's probably not for this forum. I have no idea who you are or the situations you are in, but I do have a question seeking different viewpoints. In past discussions with my wife about infidelity as all this came about, I posed a question to her on whether or not she would want to be contacted by someone (even anonymously) if that someone knew I was having an affair. Without hesitation she said, "Of course!" She said that despite the initial shock, she'd appreciate knowing the creep that I really was and would essentially move on rather than continue living a lie. With that said, do I anonymously notify the cheating man's wife? My wife doesn't know that I know who he is because it's a long-distance affair. The intention is not to hurt my wife (because most likely this would hurt me more since it would only drive her closer to him), but rather to expose to the other man's wife just what a disrespectful "creep" she is living with. I guess I can try tying this in to a legal question. By doing so, would this in any way affect a court's decision on custody if it's found out that I did this? I assume it wouldn't because not only is IL a no fault State, but a wife who cheats plays no role in a court's decision. I'm interested in your thoughts. Thanks.

That would be extremely unwise. First, judges prefer people to take the high road. So, yeah, it could affect your case. Second, unless you have definitive proof, you're assuming. Finally, what makes you think the wife doesn't already know? Maybe they have an open marriage? If she doesn't know, she'll find out soon enough.

 

[Ladyback1]

With that said, do I anonymously notify the cheating man's wife? My wife doesn't know that I know who he is because it's a long-distance affair. The intention is not to hurt my wife (because most likely this would hurt me more since it would only drive her closer to him), but rather to expose to the other man's wife just what a disrespectful "creep" she is living with. I guess I can try tying this in to a legal question. By doing so, would this in any way affect a court's decision on custody if it's found out that I did this? I assume it wouldn't because not only is IL a no fault State, but a wife who cheats plays no role in a court's decision. I'm interested in your thoughts. Thanks.

Mind YOUR OWN business. You have enough stuff on your plate, don't go looking for more!

Besides, it is just meanness and pettiness for you to contact the other man's wife.
Karma, my friend, karma!