What are my options?

[Standingtall]

What is the name of your state? OK

Since my divorce in 2001 my ex has had regular visitation with our daughter, "M" (10 years old), every other weekend, alternating holidays, and for 2 months (June 1 thru August 1) during the summer break.

In August 2005, right after summer visitation and approximately two weeks before school started, I received a very short e-mail from my ex stating he was no longer employed, he was unable to pay child support, and I needed to switch our daughter to my insurance. Shortly after I received the e-mail my ex's mother showed up at my job and told me that my ex had moved back to NY (where we are originally from) and had been there for almost a week. She appeared "shocked" that I didn't know about it. A little more than a week after he "moved" he was back in OK and sent me an e-mail that same Friday stating he would pick up our daughter from daycare for visitation. It was his scheduled weekend of visitation but since he moved and I didn't know what his intentions were I made alternate plans for "M" that weekend. I asked if he would like to continue his visitation on the next scheduled visit.

Then he claimed he was no longer available on the weekends and wanted to begin visiting with "M" Mon-Wed or Wed-Fri. I expressed that school was starting and I no longer felt comfortable with "M" being bounced back and forth between two homes during school nights. I have tried very hard to ensure visitation orders were followed and have in the past allowed "M" to spend individual nights and weekends with her father and/or grandmother, upon request, outside of regular visitation during the school year. But, I found that they would go through her school bag and often fail to send important school papers home. Then I would get notes from "M's" school re-requesting those important papers, information or other things, and miss school programs I had no prior knowledge of. It was always a struggle and very chaotic. When I told him of my concerns he decided to not continue his visitation. When I stopped taking "M" over for visitation she was very sad and depressed. It hurt me to see "M" in such a sad state. I didn't understand why he wouldn't continue his visits especially since he didn't have a job. He wouldn't call to check on her and would very rarely pick up the phone if she called.

Prior to the above incident he would make statements like, If you don't "make" me pay child support I will give you sole custody (we have joint now) and I won't have anything to do with "M"." He even asked me to pack food in her overnight bag because he said he paid me child support and felt the cost of her food during visits with him should come out of the support money. I couldn't understand why he would make such a statements. Didn't he want to be a part of "M's" life? I wanted to take him up on his offer because I knew I could live without him. But I love "M" and I knew she loved her father so I tried to make things work. My ex also threatened, when we initially got divorced, if I moved back to NY that he would have nothing to do with "M" because she would be "ruined". Whatever that meant. It seems like there's no end to his madness. There are other much more serious incidents that have occured during and after our marriage that I don't care to disclose right now.

Here's my dilemma. After almost two years (August 2005 - present) of no visitation, and after a brief (4 hour) visit with her grandmother this past Sunday, "M" informed me that her father showed up at her day camp yesterday to "ask her first" whether she wanted to spend the summer with him. Of course she was excited to see him, as most daughters are happy to see their daddies. I object to him popping up when it's convenient for him to decide he wants to play daddy again. The first incident with him refusing visitation happened when I started dating again about a year after we got divorced. He refused visitation because I wouldn't get back together with him. He even forced his mother to not visit with "M" and to my disbelief SHE COMPLIED! "M" cried, and cried her eyes out. I just don't want "M" to get hurt any more. Do I have the right as the custodial parent to deny his request or will I get into legal trouble? I have thought about seeking sole custody because my ex has not consistently involved himself in "M's" life.

I don't make much money right now, nor do I qualify for legal aid to retain an attorney. I make just enough to not qualify for state but barely enough to make ends meet. Can anyone provide some sound advice?What is the name of your state?

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by Standingtall

What is the name of your state? OK

Since my divorce in 2001 my ex has had regular visitation with our daughter, "M" (10 years old), every other weekend, alternating holidays, and for 2 months (June 1 thru August 1) during the summer break.

In August 2005, right after summer visitation and approximately two weeks before school started, I received a very short e-mail from my ex stating he was no longer employed, he was unable to pay child support, and I needed to switch our daughter to my insurance. Shortly after I received the e-mail my ex's mother showed up at my job and told me that my ex had moved back to NY (where we are originally from) and had been there for almost a week. She appeared "shocked" that I didn't know about it. A little more than a week after he "moved" he was back in OK and sent me an e-mail that same Friday stating he would pick up our daughter from daycare for visitation. It was his scheduled weekend of visitation but since he moved and I didn't know what his intentions were I made alternate plans for "M" that weekend. I asked if he would like to continue his visitation on the next scheduled visit.

Then he claimed he was no longer available on the weekends and wanted to begin visiting with "M" Mon-Wed or Wed-Fri. I expressed that school was starting and I no longer felt comfortable with "M" being bounced back and forth between two homes during school nights. I have tried very hard to ensure visitation orders were followed and have in the past allowed "M" to spend individual nights and weekends with her father and/or grandmother, upon request, outside of regular visitation during the school year. But, I found that they would go through her school bag and often fail to send important school papers home. Then I would get notes from "M's" school re-requesting those important papers, information or other things, and miss school programs I had no prior knowledge of. It was always a struggle and very chaotic. When I told him of my concerns he decided to not continue his visitation. When I stopped taking "M" over for visitation she was very sad and depressed. It hurt me to see "M" in such a sad state. I didn't understand why he wouldn't continue his visits especially since he didn't have a job. He wouldn't call to check on her and would very rarely pick up the phone if she called.

Prior to the above incident he would make statements like, If you don't "make" me pay child support I will give you sole custody (we have joint now) and I won't have anything to do with "M"." He even asked me to pack food in her overnight bag because he said he paid me child support and felt the cost of her food during visits with him should come out of the support money. I couldn't understand why he would make such a statements. Didn't he want to be a part of "M's" life? I wanted to take him up on his offer because I knew I could live without him. But I love "M" and I knew she loved her father so I tried to make things work. My ex also threatened, when we initially got divorced, if I moved back to NY that he would have nothing to do with "M" because she would be "ruined". Whatever that meant. It seems like there's no end to his madness. There are other much more serious incidents that have occured during and after our marriage that I don't care to disclose right now.

Here's my dilemma. After almost two years (August 2005 - present) of no visitation, and after a brief (4 hour) visit with her grandmother this past Sunday, "M" informed me that her father showed up at her day camp yesterday to "ask her first" whether she wanted to spend the summer with him. Of course she was excited to see him, as most daughters are happy to see their daddies. I object to him popping up when it's convenient for him to decide he wants to play daddy again. The first incident with him refusing visitation happened when I started dating again about a year after we got divorced. He refused visitation because I wouldn't get back together with him. He even forced his mother to not visit with "M" and to my disbelief SHE COMPLIED! "M" cried, and cried her eyes out. I just don't want "M" to get hurt any more. Do I have the right as the custodial parent to deny his request or will I get into legal trouble? I have thought about seeking sole custody because my ex has not consistently involved himself in "M's" life.

I don't make much money right now, nor do I qualify for legal aid to retain an attorney. I make just enough to not qualify for state but barely enough to make ends meet. Can anyone provide some sound advice?What is the name of your state?

You HAVE TO follow the court ORDER. It's not a suggestion, it's an order. If you didn't modify it before now, that's on you. You do NOT have the "right" to deny him his court ordered parenting time.

[Standingtall]

Thank you for your response but I'm aware of what a court order means. On the other hand, I also know that my ex was given visitation priviledges which he has failed to use. Are you saying that it is ok for a non-custodial parent to do whatever they want, when they want, at the expense of the child, but the custodial parent is subject to legal action if they don't comply with a court order intended to be followed by both parties? Does a custodial parent not have the right to protect their child even if it's from the other irrational parent?

I had/have every intention to get my court orders modified, but my case, I believe, is complicated and will require professional legal services which I can't afford at this time. I was just trying gather some helpful information before I take the next step.

Thanks anyway.

[stealth2]

As stated before, the NCP is under no obligation to actually use his time until s/he chooses to. The CP, however, must make the child available per the order, regardless of what time has passed - until the order is modified. It's not optional.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by Standingtall

Thank you for your response but I'm aware of what a court order means.

That's good, because you do have to follow it.

Originally Posted by Standingtall

On the other hand, I also know that my ex was given visitation priviledges which he has failed to use.

Check out the legal difference between RIGHTS and OBLIGATIONS.

Originally Posted by Standingtall

Are you saying that it is ok for a non-custodial parent to do whatever they want, when they want, at the expense of the child, but the custodial parent is subject to legal action if they don't comply with a court order intended to be followed by both parties?

Legally, yes. It's not as you put it, "whatever they want..." but no, a NCP does not have to utilize his/her right of visitation/parenting time. And then the NCP can choose to utilize it after a period of not utilizing it.

Originally Posted by Standingtall

Does a custodial parent not have the right to protect their child even if it's from the other irrational parent?

Again, you've put it in a dramatic fashion, but not in the instance you describe. You cannot "protect" your child from seeing her father as court-ordered, no.

Originally Posted by Standingtall

I had/have every intention to get my court orders modified, but my case, I believe, is complicated and will require professional legal services which I can't afford at this time.

That's how it is, then. IMHO, you can get some things changed with fairly minimal expense. But if you plan to block Dad from seeing his child, you'll need a bigger arsenal. It's a huge legal deal, not to mention an enormous emotional deal.

Originally Posted by Standingtall

I was just trying gather some helpful information before I take the next step. Thanks anyway.

There's a TON of resources available here at FA, or online somewhere else. You can do some legal work for yourself -- part of learning about the legal system is learning what you can and cannot pull off on your own.

You're welcome anyway.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by Standingtall

Thank you for your response but I'm aware of what a court order means. On the other hand, I also know that my ex was given visitation priviledges which he has failed to use. Are you saying that it is ok for a non-custodial parent to do whatever they want, when they want, at the expense of the child, but the custodial parent is subject to legal action if they don't comply with a court order intended to be followed by both parties? Does a custodial parent not have the right to protect their child even if it's from the other irrational parent?

I had/have every intention to get my court orders modified, but my case, I believe, is complicated and will require professional legal services which I can't afford at this time. I was just trying gather some helpful information before I take the next step.

Thanks anyway.

I understand how you feel, and I understand that its totally wrong of the ncp to not visit for two years and then to suddenly show up wanting a two month visit. I agree that it could be setting up your child for heartbreak again.

However you are technically required to follow the orders until those orders are changed. There are some judges out there who might not ding you under the circumstances, but there are just as many out there who will.

[Standingtall]

I am definitely all about following court orders, I just wasn't sure if I had a valid reason to put a hold on visitation for reasons stated earlier. I've always encouraged my ex to continue his visits, but I guess he had more important things to do. It really disturbs me to know that the NCP can claim to want to do what's in the best interest of the child and yet cause so much confusion and pain. I wish I had an "EASY" button right about now 'cause I'd sure use it.

Thanks for your time and response,

Standingtall