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What is "reasonable" phone calls for my ex to call my son?

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penelope10

Senior Member
If the child is being upset by the calls, I can see a problem. But if not, who cares? I mean, how does it screw up OP's life that dad is calling a few times a day for a 2 minute conversation? I mean, realistically, a 5 year old is not going to talk longer than that. So have 10 2-minute calls vs. one 20 minute call when the kid sits there in silence.

The NCP in my case calls whenever he wants. If we are not in the middle of the movie theater or something like that, what the heck difference does it make? Is it hurting someone? Why turn something into a problem?
OP has stated that the child is now exhibiting signs of not really wanting to talk to Dad. She is, however, making sure that JR takes the calls UNLESS it's bedtime. And quite frankly she didn't say Dad only calls for 2 - 3 minutes, in fact, she didn't give a time frame for the calls.

IMO calling a child 2 to 3 times a day MIGHT be excessive. Especially if the calls become disruptive to a bedtime routine for a five year old. If my kiddo was five and was at Dad's, and somehow I missed that it was past her bedtime, I simply would call at another time. Or adjust my schedule to make sure that I didn't call after bedtime. I would not blame Dad if he became irritated that I chose to ignore a routine that he set up in his home and that works. (And I wouldn't continue to call past bedtime).
 
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SMinNJ

Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

Just wondering what is a reasonable amount of times that a non custodial parent can call their child.

My ex is now calling 2 or three times a day to my son who is 5. Half the time, my son doesn't want to talk to him but he will make him.

Am I being unreasonable to think that that is excessive? I let my son call him whenever he asks (which isn't often considering the amount my ex calls as it is). A lot of times my ex will call after 9 pm which is too late and I have told him before to call by 7:30 if he wants to call him which he doesn't do. He is now calling in the morning or afternoons and also at night every day.

I also think my son would be more excited to talk to him if he called less often like 2 or 3 times a week.
Do any of you have set call schedules?
For the sake of clarification of the only comments the OP has made, I'm pasting her original post...

A good parent makes a child talk to him - that is not wrong.

It is fine for Dad to call in the morning or afternoons. Feel free to turn off your ringer after the child's bedtime if you don't want the phone ringing to disturb him. Otherwise, inform Dad that the child is asleep, and he can talk to him in the morning.

Regarding how excited the son would be to talk to him - distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Actually knowing that dad cares makes the heart grow fonder. When Dad calls, why don't you try to encourage the conversation by saying, "Johnny, your dad's on the phone - why don't you tell him about our trip to the park?" Faciliate the relationship, and please don't look for ways that dad is being excessive. You talk to your son 20 times a day - why shouldn't dad get the same opportunity?
 

2Mistakes

Senior Member
why shouldn't dad get the same opportunity?
Because that's just the way things are when the parents are no longer together. Mom also gets to wipe junior's butt every time he poops. I bet dad isn't trying to show up for that duty 3 times a day.

The reality of divorce/unwed parents is that an NCP is just not going to be able to do the same things that the CP gets to do with the same frequency. Period. The only way to change that is for parents to stay together.

IMO, 2-3 phone calls per day is excessive. I think more than 1 a day is excessive. But that's just me.

When my kids were gone to their mom's for 6 weeks this summer, guess how many times I called them? 0.

They called me every couple of days. And one of my kids is 6 (but was 5 at the time.) He called me the most. He knows what speed dial number I am on his big sister's cell phone, and he called me whenever he wanted. So yes, a 5 year old is capable of calling (or expressing the desire to call) the parent that they are not with at that time.
 

penelope10

Senior Member
For me, there is nobody that is going to love Lil Bit as much as me, except for her Daddy. And quite frankly, I want my child to become an autonomous human being. I don't want her to be overly dependent on me. She has the right to have a relationship with her Dad without interference from me, as I do with her. I love her like crazy, but I don't want to be the center of her universe. (Doesn't mean that I don't miss her tons when she's not with me).

When she's with Dad I give them space. And Dad does the same thing for her when she is with me. So I quite frankly,don't get the compulsion to call a child multiple times a day when they are with the other parent, but to each their own. I will say that I do understand when one parent might become irritated when certain routines, such as bedtime, are perpetually ignored. (Whether this is by a CP or a NCP).
 
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jbowman

Senior Member
I guess what Im not understanding is the issue with something being excessive. If dad calls 3 times a day and someone feels it is excessive, I guess that is fine. That being said, how is it really affecting that person? Why is it bothering you sooooooooo much? Just because you attached the word "excessive" to it?

OP, YOU dont have to talk to dad--so why is it bothering you? Kid is not upset. Where is the issue? If the kid is in bed, tell dad: kid is in bed. Aside from that, I am not understanding what could possibly be so horrible.

Even if my child goes to dads and I dont call but once a week, why would it be wrong if the other parent wanted to call more???

Gosh, just keep the peace, facilitate the relationship... "Hey Buddy, Daddy is on the phone!!" Whats the big deal? I just dont get how it is affecting OP badly.
 

wileybunch

Senior Member
When my kids were gone to their mom's for 6 weeks this summer, guess how many times I called them? 0.

They called me every couple of days. And one of my kids is 6 (but was 5 at the time.) He called me the most. He knows what speed dial number I am on his big sister's cell phone, and he called me whenever he wanted. So yes, a 5 year old is capable of calling (or expressing the desire to call) the parent that they are not with at that time.
This sounds like a totally normal situation. :) I personally hate it when parents act like it's for the kids that there must be calls calls calls when in reality it's the parents having a hard time letting their kids have freedom away from them, etc. and times that by 1000 for parents that only do this when the child is visiting the other parent, they don't helicopter parent when kids do overnights at friend's houses and that sort of thing.
 

2Mistakes

Senior Member
And don't get me wrong.

I'm not saying that parents shouldn't call their kids when the kids are with the other parent. If I didn't hear from my kids for 4 or 5 or 6 days, I would have called them, just to touch base.

I don't care if their mom calls them, but 3 times a day would be excessive. She used to do this. She would call in the middle of homework, middle of dinner, and sometimes, me and the kids would just be playing the wii, spending time together. I don't interrupt her time with the kids, and I like to spend quality time with my kids, too.

My kids never ask to call their mom. That speaks volumes to me, especially considering that they called me every few days when they were with her.

Usually, if 4 or 5 days have gone by and I don't think they've talked to her, I'll ask them, "Hey guys, have ya'll talked to your mom in the past few days?" If the answer is no, I tell them they should call her. Most of the time, they don't want to, but I make them.

She has ruined the relationship she has with the kids.
 

penelope10

Senior Member
This sounds like a totally normal situation. :) I personally hate it when parents act like it's for the kids that there must be calls calls calls when in reality it's the parents having a hard time letting their kids have freedom away from them, etc. and times that by 1000 for parents that only do this when the child is visiting the other parent, they don't helicopter parent when kids do overnights at friend's houses and that sort of thing.
I agree with this. Kiddo's Dad doesn't do this, nor do I. I sometimes think that the calling factor (over and over and over again) is sometimes driven by guilt, sometimes jealousy, and sometimes insecurity on the part of the parent. (Rather than simply missing the kiddo). For instance, OZ will only call Lil Bit multiple times in a day if he's on a vacation without her. And he also does this if she and I are on vacation together. Other than that, he speaks to her during his periods of visitation. She knows her Dad loves her without having to speak to him multiple times a day. (As I'm sure she knows that I love her without having to speak to me multiple times daily).

Now I do realize that there are NCPs that don't get to see the kiddos as often as in Lil Bit's situation because of distance. However, for me, three calls and over a day is just a little bit much. Especially if at least one of the calls is made frequently after a set bedtime for a small child. However, that's just my opinion.
 
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TheGeekess

Keeper of the Kraken
You know, in the days before cell phones, how many of us talked to our parents several times via phone during our normal day when we were growing up? My parents didn't call the schools to talk to me, they didn't call my friends' houses when I was playing to talk to me, they didn't call the GS meetings, etc etc etc. So why is it, in this day of instant contact, do we feel that children have to be called constantly? My dad traveled 5 days out of 7 when I was a child; he would call Mom when he checked into a hotel so he could give her the room number, but I don't recall him asking to talk to us.

My point is that our parents were not up our butts 24/7 on the phone. We turned out (for the most part) fine; why can't we allow our children the same space?
 

majomom1

Senior Member
And don't get me wrong.

I'm not saying that parents shouldn't call their kids when the kids are with the other parent. If I didn't hear from my kids for 4 or 5 or 6 days, I would have called them, just to touch base.

I don't care if their mom calls them, but 3 times a day would be excessive. She used to do this. She would call in the middle of homework, middle of dinner, and sometimes, me and the kids would just be playing the wii, spending time together. I don't interrupt her time with the kids, and I like to spend quality time with my kids, too.

My kids never ask to call their mom. That speaks volumes to me, especially considering that they called me every few days when they were with her.

Usually, if 4 or 5 days have gone by and I don't think they've talked to her, I'll ask them, "Hey guys, have ya'll talked to your mom in the past few days?" If the answer is no, I tell them they should call her. Most of the time, they don't want to, but I make them.

She has ruined the relationship she has with the kids.
I'm with you on this one. 2-3 times a day is excessive. Now if the kids want to call him, they should always be allowed to call. My ex is close and we each have 2 nights during the week and EOW, so he doesn't go long periods without seeing them.

Even now, when they "live" with him, I do not call them during his time - because I don't want to intrude on his time. The kids call me if they want to.

When they were with me, my kids called their dad every day and he STILL called them 2-3 times everyday... it was excessive. It intruded on homework, dinner and my time.

Now, he still calls them during my time and the kids don't answer. They each have cell phones and I let them choose. They answer the first time... after that they don't.
 

Bloopy

Senior Member
Although this discussion didn’t get into legalese, I think it’s been a great one so far. It’s been a really fair representation of both “sides.”

So since CP is on the line
SJ: Would you like to talk to your son just two or three times a week?
Jbowman: If the child is being upset by the calls, I can see a problem. But if not, who cares?
SminNJ: - As custodial parents, we talk to our kids multiple times during the day.
- encourage the conversation by saying, "Johnny, your dad's on the phone - why don't you tell him about our trip to the park?"

If NCP were on the line
Penelope: To me, even if one misses their child, two to three times a day is a might excessive.
2M: The reality of divorce/unwed parents is that an NCP is just not going to be able to do the same things that the CP gets to do with the same frequency. Period.
Geekess: our parents were not up our butts 24/7 on the phone. We turned out (for the most part) fine

I personally think that 2-3 times a days is clingy and annoying. But in a way to mock him to your girlfriends, not to actually stop his calls. Answer at least once a day, and let others slide as your schedule allows.

If it were the CP calling 2-3 times a day during the NCP’s time, THAT is more out of line. It intrudes on the NCP’s precious little time AND sabotages their relationship.

I don’t think a CP’s relationship is actually harmed by calls.
 

2Mistakes

Senior Member
You know, in the days before cell phones, how many of us talked to our parents several times via phone during our normal day when we were growing up? My parents didn't call the schools to talk to me, they didn't call my friends' houses when I was playing to talk to me, they didn't call the GS meetings, etc etc etc. So why is it, in this day of instant contact, do we feel that children have to be called constantly? My dad traveled 5 days out of 7 when I was a child; he would call Mom when he checked into a hotel so he could give her the room number, but I don't recall him asking to talk to us.

My point is that our parents were not up our butts 24/7 on the phone. We turned out (for the most part) fine; why can't we allow our children the same space?
I grew up a military brat. My dad was gone for 6 and 7 months at a time. And a lot of times, he COULDN'T call us. And if he could, it was a 2 minute phone call. My mom filled him on the goings on around the house. It was rare that we got to talk to dad when he was deployed. I'm now 36 years old, and I lived. There was 1 deployment when he was in the Persian Gulf that he wasn't able to call for the entire 5 month deployment. We lived.

We wrote letters instead. And I still have them. They mean more to me than any phone calls we might have had.

Funny side story - My wife was a military brat, too. She's a huge grammar, puncuation, etc. stickler, and her dad was gone on deployment when she took her first college english course. He would write her letters, and she would correct them with red pen, and send the corrected letters back to him with the next letter she wrote him. Too funny. They still laugh about that.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
i think two phones calls per day isn't so bad. when i was the NCP, my sons were the first people i called when i left for work while i sat in traffic, or when i was sitting at the bustop waiting for the bus. my oldest called me all the time. but then i also saw my kids almost every day on top of that. this was back when i was NCP

i don't call the kids anymore when they are with their dad. i did in the beginning, but the NCP would always lie about where the kids were. he would say they walked away and he would have them call me back in five minutes since they were at a friend's house, baseball game or outside his home. i would then call paternal grandma's house the next minute and ask to speak to one of my kids, and lo and behold my kids would answer. calling them only made me angry. so, i stopped calling. as i see it...it's just not worth it anymore. just let the kids have a good time. kids know my phone number, they'll call when they get bored enough. so i look at it, they aren't bored, since they aren't calling. NCP used to be able to call whenever, but he started to accuse me of not allowing him to speak the kids when we went to court. so i stick to the court order to a "T".

OP, once a day is good enough. if he calls again before bedtime, let him say goodnight. it's not a hill to die on.
 

TinkerBelleLuvr

Senior Member
I question what anymosity still exists between the OP and the NCP. If the NCP's 3 xs a day phone call is trying to figure out what is happening in the CP's household, then the intrusion is upon the CP.

OP - have to ASKED your X why he calls that many times a day? Is he bored? Is he wanting y'all to get back together.

The problem exists OUTSIDE of the calls from dad, which IMHO is beyond intrusive. I can the nightly, good night dad, I love you, etc. call.
 

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