why do step moms do this????

Why is it that a mother can be a wonderful, thoughful, caring, compasionate mother, yet when child support is suppose to be increased, the step mother starts screaming and ranting and raving about what a horrid mother she is?
Anyone?
Then, they want to go to court and rip the children away from this mother.
Someone explain this to me.

I believe, now please remember that this is just my HONEST OPINION!, that we as women are very protective of the people in our lives. We are also very self centered and greedy. We tend to think that our way is the best way and anyone else's is bunk.

So we tend to think that yes, the BM may be a good parent, but we can do better. That yes, the BD must pay support, but we could use the money more wisely then the BM does. That yes even though we know that BM is working and paying more then her fair share of the expenses with raising the child(ren) that she has set aside the money that BD pays to buy herself all those little things that we want but cannot have because we don't have the money to do so.

I was once a step mother. A position I will do everything in my power to avoid again. It turned me into a person I did not like. I had to sit back and watch my 2 yr old step son get abused, and pick this child up with black eyes, belt marks all over his little body and then pay his mother to go out and party every weekend. We had this child for up to 6mos at a time. Then BM would appear out of the blue to get the child back and if we did not drop everything we had planned and make the return trip to return the child to her when she wanted him, she called the police and charged us with kidnapping.

I figured out after a couple of years that this was not my fight. My DH was too wrapped up in impressing his friends and partying to worry about how his son was being raised, so why should I make it my priority.

The secret to all this is that there are too many step mothers that when they get married to a man with children they only hear one side of a story and how badly the DH is being treated by the BM. It would pay for them to sit down and have a conversation with BM prior to getting married to get the *other side of the story*. Establish boundaries and then do what all step mothers should do. Dissengage themselves.

Here is a article that was posted on another website that I found to be so true it made my skin crawl. This is good advice for ALL Step Parents.


Here's the original post by FallMorn:

I believe (my libber genes go crazy with this one) that men &
women convey different facets of life to their children. Women
tend to be concerned with socialization: manners, morals,
respect, appreciation, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, etc, as well as
physical & emotional health. Men tend to be concerned with
results: touchdowns, batting averages, spelling bees,
"accomplishments" in general. (You know, the really important
stuff!). In normal (not critically dysfunctional) nuclear families,
this arrangement works pretty well. The children develop bonds
with their parents which permit the parents to maintain the "moral
authority" to deal with their kids. Most of these men think
they've been great parents, & have terrific kids who could be
loved by anyone. Then they get divorced & eventually marry
us, expecting everything to function in the same way that it did
in the first marriage. The problem is, they have no idea beyond
their own personal, limited "input" what is involved in raising kids.
One stepmom on one of the boards made the remark "I just don't
understand how his 4 year old son can be sitting directly between
him & the TV, & he doesn't see the kid playing with a lighter!" I
believe he doesn't see because he's never had to. There has
always been a woman in his life who takes care of "that stuff."


When we as stepmoms come into the lives of these people,
many of us already mothers to our own biokids, we willingly
assume that we can expand our mothering role to include our new
SKs, intending to keep on doing what we've been doing. Even
those who have never had children of their own have those
"mothering genes." Our problem is that we don't have the
bonding with these kids that is required to give us the "moral
authority" to parent our SKs. The only way we can get that
"authority" is through our DHs, & he must give it to us by
expecting & demanding that his kids respond to us with
obedience & respect, or at least respectful behavior. THAT is
what is meant by a supportive DH. Most of them THINK they
are supportive, & many of US think they are supportive. But
unless they are willing to discipline their children every single
time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey
us, they are giving their children permission to continue &
sometimes escalate, this behavior. And because our DHs have
NEVER had to be mothers, they don't know what we're talking
about when we try to get their help. They are still being the same
parents they were when they were married to their exes, things
worked out ok there, so they assume that the problem is US!


The more we "nag" & point out what's wrong with their kids, the
more convinced they become that we have no parenting skills .
The more we are determined that these kids ARE GOING TO
MIND US, the more parenting we do. And the more parenting we
do, the less our DHs have to do. Which is exactly the way they
want it. They would rather we didn't scream so much, but we're
getting the job done (the kids brush their teeth when we're red in
the face, they go to bed when we have spittle spewing). Dad
can just keep on being a father, which means he doesn't fool with
this stuff. But he's still thinking we're crazy, & can't understand
why we're so mean to his kids. In addition, our "criticism" of his
kids is seen as a criticism of him.

DH is not a mother, has never been a mother, & doesn't know
what it means or requires to be a mother. DH is content being
the same parent he has always been, & thinks his kids are fine
the way they are. He's just as confused as we are about why
we're having so many problems with our SKs, but in his heart, he
believes that we are at fault.

Now we come to the kids themselves. Here we have children
who, for the most part, have been raised by two parents with
whom they are bonded & for whom they accept the power of
their bioparents authority. We stepmoms come into their lives
with no bond & with no authority. But we blindly assume the role
of mother in our own homes, & all the responsibility involved.
After the "honeymoon" with the kids is over, if we even have
that period of peace & tranquility, the kids begin to test the
waters. Now, keep in mind, they do this with their bioparents too,
but quickly submit to the authority of these people for whom
they have respected & admired since birth. They look to DH to
see what they can get by with, because they have no intention
of submitting to our authority until they are made to do so. DH
has never involved himself in these struggles between his ex &
his kids, because she can handle it herself. He doesn't see the
problem. The kids don't know that he can't see the problem.
They think he is giving them unspoken permission to defy us.
And so they do. The struggles become more angry, more bitter,
more frustrating.

And another amazing thing occurs. In some cases, we give
these kids their first real taste of power. With their parents, they
are willing to submit, because if nothing else, they fear the loss
of their parents' approval. They feel no such need to have our
approval. They find that with the mere shrug of a shoulder or a
rolling of the eyes that they can turn a big strong adult into a
raging maniac. By this time, we have become so frustrated,
everything they do infuriates us. And in getting by with
disrespectful behavior (& they get by with it because DH doesn't
stop it), they are encouraged to even greater heights of
disrespect, & gaining an even greater sense of power. We end
up handing these kids tremendous power over us, on a silver
platter, & they love it.

There we are, doing all the work (laundry, grocery shopping,
cooking, chauffeuring, supplying needs, the list is endless),
doing everything reasonable to maintain our family as we had
envisioned, and these kids are treating us like bugs on the soles
of their shoes. We are raging to our DHs, who can't understand
why we're so angry, & we're wondering what we're doing here,
working our rears off, trying to raise these children, feeling
abused & unappreciated by DH AND his kids. Sometimes we
think about divorce.

Now it's time to disengage.

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some
realities. They are:

1. Your SKs are not your children.

2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous
"raising."

3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.

4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.


5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the
household just because you married their dad.

6. You are not responsible for raising your SKs.

7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.

8. Your DH is not a mother.

9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want
him to.

10. Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH
supported you.

What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs.
You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must
stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for
them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever
mistakes he makes.

But first, you must explain to DH & SKs what is happening. This
is what you say: "Everyone is unhappy, our home is miserable,
& I'm completely frustrated & angry all the time. You kids are
angry & frustrated with me, & >it's getting worse. Someone has
to do something about this, & I decided that it will be me. I have
decided that I will no longer be responsible for getting you to bed
on time, or getting you up in the mornings. I will not tell you to
wash your hands before dinner, & I will not tell you to brush your
teeth or take a bath. (You must list all those things for which
you have assumed responsibility, whatever they are). I am no
longer going to do anything that will give you the opportunity to
treat me with disrespect. In the future, if you need anything,
you must ask your dad. I will no longer take responsibility for
(whatever, getting your school supplies, shopping for your
clothes, doing your laundry, taking you to basketball practice,
etc.) What I hope to accomplish is for us to begin to get along
with each other, & the only way I know to do that is to let your
dad be the parent."

And every time they ask you for something, or ask permission
for something, you say "Go ask your dad." Your SKs may end
up missing out on some terrific things because of your
disengaging, but it was a choice they made when they decided to
make your life miserable. Never give them the opportunity to
treat you disrespectfully.

Many of you may be saying, does all this mean I have no
rights? Absolutely not. You must choose your battles, & to
disengage, your battles should be about those things that
DIRECTLY affect you. For example, you have a right to keep
your home with the degree of neatness & cleanliness that you
desire (just leave the SKs rooms alone & concentrate on the
communal areas). You can say, "From now on, I expect
everyone to put their stuff away by bedtime. Since I will no
longer be asking you to do it because I don't want to argue with
you, anything that is left out after 9:00 will be disposed." Period,
no discussion, just do it. If it's important to DH for his kids to
keep their "stuff," HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If
you don't clear the table after dinner, I will not set a place for
you at the next meal." Period, no discussion, just do it If it's
important to DH for his kids to eat, HE will parent his children, or
do it himself. "If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor in the
bathroom, they will be disposed." Are you getting the idea?

You see, the REAL problem is not between you & your SKs, it's
between you & your DH. These children are HIS responsibility,
& if he wants good things for them, he will parent them. If he
doesn't care (believe me, he really does!), why should you beat
your head against the wall?

My son ALWAYS had a bedtime, my SSs NEVER had a
bedtime. Now I tend to my son, & let DH tend to his. If he
wants them to get a good night's sleep, he will parent them. If
it's not important to him, I don't make it my concern.

My DH goes to work at 5:30 AM, which leaves me the task of
getting everyone up & ready for school. It used to be a
nightmare getting my younger SS up, he would growl & yell &
scream, & roll over & go back to sleep until I was screaming my
lungs out, jerking the covers off. Every day started like that, &
I was miserable every evening, thinking about my next morning's
task. So....I just stopped. I told DH to get him an alarm clock.
And I told DH that if he wanted to help his son start his day well,
he might consider making sure that SS goes to bed at a
reasonable hour, but that I would no longer make it my concern.
SS missed 2 days of school because he wouldn't get up, & I
refused to make a second trip to take him there. DH decided to
parent his son. He did it without being home by using
consequences if his son did not get up in time to get ready for
school.

The point is this: DH must decide what is important to HIM. You
must be willing to put up with some degree of inconvenience to
"allow" him to parent his children. But whatever inconvenience
you suffer will be minor compared to the conflict that might be
part of your life right now. My DH stepped up to the plate. Your
DH might not. But that's HIS decision. Don't expect him to
agree with your "new position." He doesn't agree with your
current position. Don't expect him to like what you are doing - or
to be more precise - not doing. The less YOU do, the more HE
must do, & that will not make him happy. You must remember
that he has no right to expect more parenting from you than he is
willing to do himself.

You may be thinking, this is nuts! We agreed to be "parents" to
each other's children. Yes, but he also agreed to be a parent to
his OWN children. None >of this means that you can't do
ANYTHING. It's very likely that DH will need your help. That's
OK. The issue here is that DH must ASK you for your help,
instead of what you've been doing - assuming the responsibility
& being unappreciated for it.

When DH needs something done that he can't do himself (a ride
for one of the kids while he's a work, for example), first, you
have already told the kids "Go ask dad." So DH is REQUIRED
to become involved in his children's lives. He now must THINK
ABOUT what's involved in raising his kids, & we all know it's a lot
of work. And you can agree to help out, only if DH asks. BUT,
to disengage, you must be willing to withdraw your agreement to
help IF the kids, between now & the event, treat you
disrespectfully! And you must refuse to assist next time if DH
& the kids don't say "Thank you." You also have a RIGHT to
have your efforts appreciated.

When you begin to value yourself in this whole relationship by
expecting to be treated with respect & appreciation, you'll feel a
lot better. When I say "to value yourself" I mean that if your
efforts are not appreciated - don't do it! Sometimes the SKs will
think, "Well, we're in the car on the way to the ballgame, now I'm
home free to be disrespectful!" BAM! They smart off to you!
Well, turn that car around & take them back home - don't raise
your voice or act insulted or point out how ungrateful they are.
Just say "I'm sorry you've decided to treat me disrespectfully. I
must withdraw my offer to take you."

BTW, these are also good methods of getting your OWN
children's respectful behavior!

I know, from my own experience, just how hard it is to "let go."
But it's up to you to make the choice - "Am I going to continue to
live in this awful situation, or am I going to do something about
it." While you fear what will happen to everyone when you
"disengage," as if the family will fall apart, you will be surprised
at the change in your own life. I can't guarantee that everything
will turn out the way it has for me, but I can guarantee that you
will no longer feel angry, frustrated, resentful, & hurt. The
HARDEST part is giving up the need to straighten out these kids
& "change" them into the children YOU want them to be. Janice



------- End of forwarded message -------

I guess it would all depend on what your reasons are for wanting the increase??

[MySonsMom]

That's neat that you posted that LB2....I remember Janice or FallMorn from when I had AOL and visited the message boards there. What's very important, is that "disengaging" is not meant for all step families.

Thanks for sharing it with us.

Thank you so much, LadyBlu for posting that.
It was good to read. I am expecting my childrens first visit with their new step mom to be quite interesting. My ex was lazy and never "fathered" the kids the way he should have. This will be fancinating to see there step mom go through all the "fun" I did when a father who is there, plays absent!
As for my wanting more childsupport, My ex isn't paying what he should be paying. He quit a job so he could pay less in CS but now that he got a job, his payments are suppose to go up.

My ex would be all pissed off if she got a decrease in support. Same with your ex, he is pissed off because now there is more money coming out of his pocket. No one likes to lose money. How would you feel if you got a decrease in support?
I am not saying you would feel this way-but my ex would be mad and talk around about what a dead beat i am. My input.

Perhaps you should have worded your speech a little better, maybe not so stereotypical....use the words "some step moms" instead of "the step mom"....I resent the evil stepmother icon being used in your example.

While I have no other knowlegde of your story than what you have provided for us in your post, I can maybe provide a stepmother's point of view for you. Sorry I cannot explain the child support theory you seem to have down so well as to what ALL stepmothers do....

Forget the hokey that was said above by Ladyblu in the article she forwarded to us. What that article was basically saying is to forget about parenting your stepkids. Forget about being any parental, adult figure to them, because they already have a mother, and most stepmoms have their own kids entering the relationship, so why should they even bother raising someone else's kids? Now, imagine if we all just "gave up" like that. Suppose we have weekend visitation with these kids and we do just give up....we have someone else's kids running around, disrespecting us, tearing up our homes, not caring about anything but what they want to care about, that is, if DH is not around on that particular day to do the disiplining.
This article is saying "divide your children.....you take care of yours, DH takes care of his".....why bother getting married then? What is the point of that? We are supposed to disengage ourselves from the world of parenting because of some backtalk, disrespect, and lack of respecting authority from these kids? Our own biological children pull that crap on a daily basis! That is giving the children ULTIMATE power, not the reverse effect. If these children are not taught to respect us in our own homes, how will they ever learn to respect others in the real world?

This article is ridiculous. It is up to stepmoms to take a stand and make the most out of your new family. Bond as much as you can with these kids. Make traditions. Respect them and they will respect you. It can and will happen if you work on it. Kids are not something we throw away if we can't make it work. How any person can be involved in a child's life and be disengaged from them is beyond me.

I am not trying to start any debates here, just putting in my two cents.

I am a step mom to three children. I also have 4 children of my own. I love them all dearly and I agree with alot of what Janice had to say. I also agree that disengaging may not always work. There tends to be many fights with all the children when they see that the step kids are getting away with more than they are. It tends to be a big mess. Someone has to be there to make peace and I don't know how to do it either. We have lots of problems every summer that the kids are all together under one roof. Step moms deal with alot and they are only trying to be a mom to your kids as well as there own. We want peace, but we can't do it alone. I have an ex husband as well and I don't run to him every time I need something, but my husband's ex is always on the phone telling him all about her problems and how broke she is and how she needs more money, she can't handle the boys, etc. I have to deal with that all the time. Every time she can't handle the kids she ships them off to us at our expense of course, and as soon as they cry and want to go back to their mom they are shipped back at out expense of course. I get so angry at Biological mothers that think they can force their way into their ex's life every time they have a little crisis. We have a life too and we would like to live it in peace for a change. Alot of Biological moms use their children as excuses to stay involved in their ex's life and this is what frustrates me every day. We pay child support, but it will never be enough. Not saying you do this, it is just saying that their are two sides

Yes, let me rephrase that too, alot of step moms do this. Yes, I have friends who are step moms and friends who deal with their kids step mom. ALOT of them do this.
By the way, with the post about me getting mad about getting less money in child support. If I got any less, I couldn't feed my children. I have four kids and my ex makes over $100000 a year and is paying less then $1000 a month in child support.
Yes, I am angry. He got a job after the divorce after quitting his last one so he wouldn't have to pay so much in CS. Then he gets one, buys a $300000+ house, a $900 a month car, gets married, takes a cruise, etc. Has never payed for school clothes, lunches or ANYTHING besides his CS, which by the way, is ALWAYS late. Now, like I said, I have four kids. They get less then $1000 a month. I have been a stay at home mom since I married him ten years ago. I have no education because I raised kids.
Yeah, I'd say it's time to pay for his kids. It's to bad that the step mother doesn't think it's fair. She has never even met me although I HAVE asked many, many times, LadyBlu.
Go Figure. I oppologize for catagorizing all step moms.

Originally posted by kallyjo
I am a step mom to three children. I also have 4 children of my own. I love them all dearly and I agree with alot of what Janice had to say. I also agree that disengaging may not always work. There tends to be many fights with all the children when they see that the step kids are getting away with more than they are. It tends to be a big mess. Someone has to be there to make peace and I don't know how to do it either. We have lots of problems every summer that the kids are all together under one roof. Step moms deal with alot and they are only trying to be a mom to your kids as well as there own. We want peace, but we can't do it alone. I have an ex husband as well and I don't run to him every time I need something, but my husband's ex is always on the phone telling him all about her problems and how broke she is and how she needs more money, she can't handle the boys, etc. I have to deal with that all the time. Every time she can't handle the kids she ships them off to us at our expense of course, and as soon as they cry and want to go back to their mom they are shipped back at out expense of course. I get so angry at Biological mothers that think they can force their way into their ex's life every time they have a little crisis. We have a life too and we would like to live it in peace for a change. Alot of Biological moms use their children as excuses to stay involved in their ex's life and this is what frustrates me every day. We pay child support, but it will never be enough. Not saying you do this, it is just saying that their are two sides

I have to say that I do sympathize with SOME Step Moms. Some I don't. That is my personal experiences speaking and nothing anyone says will ever change that. But, I would like to say this. When I hear the SM complain about how the BM always calls the DH to complain about a childs behavior, that is part of sharing parental responsibility. That is what DH is supposed to do, get involved with his children's upbringing. That is what DH has fought for rights to do through the courts, and now that they get those, there are complaints that the BM is including the DH.

Then with the BM calling to talk to DH about her financial situation, or lack thereof. Have you stopped to think of why this pattern has continued? Have you stopped to think that maybe this is something that your DH has allowed to happen and continue to happen? If you really think about it, you will see what I am saying is true. My ex's I knew from day 1 would not cooperate and help me out any more then paying their support. So, I never call and ask for anything extra. If they had given me any indication that they would have helped me out more at any point, it would have been very easy to pick up the phone and buzz them each time I had a financial crisis. But I KNEW they wouldnt help if they could.

So please stop and think before you blame it all on one person for the wrongdoing. It is a co-dependency pattern, and yes most times the kids are the tools used to make the DH feel obligated. But, that doesn't mean that only one person is to blame for the pattern. Both are to blame.

Does that mean DH is a bad person? No, it just means that he continues to feel obligated to the mother of his children for whatever reason. Or maybe it is just because he wants to be assured his children do not have to suffer because the mother makes bad judgements periodically. Whatever the reason, if he allows it to continue, it will.

I must say that being a stepmom, I resent the attitude that I receive from a lot of people. I have been my sd's primary caretaker since her mother gave her up several years ago. The bio mom also pays no child support because she refuses to work. I understand that each person is different, and there is more than one side to every story...but come on. To lump all stepmothers together as bad or out to get the bio mom, it is just not true. I have tried very hard to not step on any toes as I know this is a very difficult situation for all. Ladyblu, I'm sorry that you had a bad experience, but not everyone does. It would help if everyone involved would act like the adult they are supposed to be. Just take a long hard look at yourself before you act and ask yourself, how will this look to the kids? Nicermom, I'm sorry about your situation. That does sound tough and wish for you and your children that you would not have to go through it. I wish I had some advise that would change everything, but all I can say is that your kids will know you are trying. Just please don't lump all of us "stepmoms" into one group, as I'm sure you would not want any of us to do.

Sorry for being so blunt, but if you cant feed four children on 1000 a month, then get a job. Besides, his child support isn't supposed to be the only money contributed towards the children-you are also supposed to contribute $$$ to the kids.
You said he doesn't give any other money for anything like school, clothes, etc--that's what child support is for.
And why just because he gets a raise or makes more money does that mean that it cost more for your kids to eat? No. He should not be punished for trying to better himself.

[MySonsMom]

This is the reason I jumped in when I did to explain that this article about "disengaging" as a step parent, does not work for all step families. You have to be in a certain position to have this work. I won't get into it, as it would be a long post; and I am sick with barely any strength today.

Disengaging can be a God send, or it can become a nightmare...That is why if you choose this alternative be very careful and make sure it is the right choice for you and your family. It should only be used in complex step situations.

We all know not all step parents are evil. We all have our own encounters and stories of step parenting, some good, some not so good. So theorizing about step families is not a safe topic for an everyday chat.

But leave this post remembering this.....Disengaging is NOT for every step family, in fact it should be used with precaution. If it IS for your family, it will be a God send.

Good luck all.

EXCUSE ME??? He is trying to better himself and so I shouldn't ask for more CS? He QUIT his job to lower child support and when it was set, he gets practically the same job as the one he quit.
Do you have four kids? Do you know what it costs to raise and feed four kids? By the way, since you have no idea who I am, you do not know that I DO in fact have a job that allows me to stay at home and take care of my children.
HE can better himself. But not at the expense of his four children.
How about bettering himself by, oh let's say, paying for his kids once and a while.
This is what I am talking about. Hey, he's the dad. He can do what ever he wants and live in luxury while not paying for his kids! Let him live up to his potential on the backs of his kids. Good idea. Obviously from a bitter step mom.

[I have four kids and my ex makes over $100000 a year and is paying less then $1000 a month in child support.
He got a job after the divorce after quitting his last one so he wouldn't have to pay so much in CS. Then he gets one, buys a $300000+ house, a $900 a month car, gets married, takes a cruise, etc. s kids. It's to bad that the step mother doesn't think it's fair. She has never even met me although I HAVE asked many, many times, LadyBlu.
Go Figure. I oppologize for catagorizing all step moms. [/b][/quote] Sounds like your husband is better with money than you are. If hes the type of man that CAN make 100,000 yr. or buy a $900 a month car, or takes cruises., either you lived that kind of life too when you were married to him and should have got some kind of settlement or money OR his new wife inspires him or maybe she is better with his money.