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Thread: will like custody of niece in foster care

  1. #31
    kkimberh is offline Junior Member
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    OP, have the foster parents started adoption proceedings? Have mother's rights been terminated? How many times have you actually physically seen your neice? Not pictures, etc., but have actually seen her? Why would you think it would be in her best interest to be taken away from the only family she's known, out of state by strangers??

    I can tell you what happened in our situation w/ my brother - he adopted 3 siblings from foster care. While they were in adoption proceedings, the social worker was contacted by the kids' family in another state - family they had never met. The social worker and their attorney did everything they could to get that adoption through and finalized before anything could happen. The kids had been there, were happy and settled in their family, and WERE their kids by that time.

    It turned out the drugged out mother had gone to her family out of state and told them a story, and talked them into trying to get the kids so she could get them back. The social worker said that's pretty common and was why she fought like heck to make sure the kids stayed where they were.

    I can tell you that your neice's social worker is working like crazy for that child - to keep that settled, happy child with her family - the one she has now, the one that she knows, in their own state.
    TheGeekess and PQN like this.
  2. #32
    MichaCA is offline Senior Member
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    OK, So what is your plan say you receive your - 3 year old perhaps - from her family. (you can accept they have been her family?)?

    Outside of your love, houseing, etc....

    Because say this is a single mom who has been full time caretaker to a infant/baby/toddler (the formative/attachment years) - and the dad just appears decides she wants a full on relationship with his child - its a pretty common story.

    The advice we give is to request reunification counseling (with the counselor, new parent, and the child)...some very short supervised visits for x period time (generally months) - so child is keeping his secure attachment to his primary caretaker but still getting to know - by legal right - the father. If dad successfully will jump through these hoops with the child...then unsupervised visits begin - but even then its partial visitation!!!!

    I know the foster family is not the really mommy. And I know the foster care has a different system than family law court. My question - is where in here does the child NOT get ripped from the only family he knows? How, as a prospective guardian, do you plan to deal with these parts of a child that Barry Brazelton calls "Irreducible Needs" ?

    Look - I think its right foster care is trying more and more to find relatives - and I sure wish they had that more in place in their system. But that didn't happen here.
  3. #33
    fediana is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ladyback1 View Post
    And that ladies and gentlemen is the real reason she wants her niece....
    And ladyback well I am not aware that I am unable to conceive so I dont think that is the issue on hand. Since you implied on my fertility I am going to explain why I dont have any kids. Maybe this reasoning doesnt apply or make sense to you:

    I decided to go to college to obtain an education so I am able to be a productive person in society. I know for some it may be an option but that is not how I was raised. So now that I am completed with my education and employed in a professional field, brought a home, I guess maybe (what do you think) I do plan in my own time to have kids. Some people want to get an education and obtain a career before they have babies and not have babies randomly or with different daddies. Well I wonder about those care givers like some on here that dont want kids to be placed with family because they dont have their own kids and want to keep other peoples kids, (you implied other peoples kids) I didnt. I do love this site. You guys are making me aware of what may be stated in court.
  4. #34
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fediana View Post
    And ladyback well I am not aware that I am unable to conceive so I dont think that is the issue on hand. Since you implied on my fertility I am going to explain why I dont have any kids. Maybe this reasoning doesnt apply or make sense to you:

    I decided to go to college to obtain an education so I am able to be a productive person in society. I know for some it may be an option but that is not how I was raised. So now that I am completed with my education and employed in a professional field, brought a home, I guess maybe (what do you think) I do plan in my own time to have kids. Some people want to get an education and obtain a career before they have babies and not have babies randomly or with different daddies. Well I wonder about those care givers like some on here that dont want kids to be placed with family because they dont have their own kids and want to keep other peoples kids, (you implied other peoples kids) I didnt. I do love this site. You guys are making me aware of what may be stated in court.


    I don't understand why you won't answer the very simple question posed several times.

  5. #35
    ecmst12 is online now Senior Member
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    Because this is a troll. Let's stop feeding it.
  6. #36
    fediana is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by MichaCA View Post
    OK, So what is your plan say you receive your - 3 year old perhaps - from her family. (you can accept they have been her family?)?

    Outside of your love, houseing, etc....

    Because say this is a single mom who has been full time caretaker to a infant/baby/toddler (the formative/attachment years) - and the dad just appears decides she wants a full on relationship with his child - its a pretty common story.

    The advice we give is to request reunification counseling (with the counselor, new parent, and the child)...some very short supervised visits for x period time (generally months) - so child is keeping his secure attachment to his primary caretaker but still getting to know - by legal right - the father. If dad successfully will jump through these hoops with the child...then unsupervised visits begin - but even then its partial visitation!!!!

    I know the foster family is not the really mommy. And I know the foster care has a different system than family law court. My question - is where in here does the child NOT get ripped from the only family he knows? How, as a prospective guardian, do you plan to deal with these parts of a child that Barry Brazelton calls "Irreducible Needs" ?

    Look - I think its right foster care is trying more and more to find relatives - and I sure wish they had that more in place in their system. But that didn't happen here.
    I know my niece knows her current foster parent as her family and will never say otherwise. I see your point of view and at least you presented in a constructive way compared to others on this site. If my niece is placed in my custody one day when she is older I will have to explain to her what happened when she was young. I know I am able to deal and provide the irreducible needs of a child like
    1.Ongoing nurturing relationships
    2.Physical protection, safety, and regulation
    3.Experiences tailored to individual differences
    4.Developmentally appropriate experiences
    5.Limit setting, structure, and expectations
    6.Stable communities and cultural continuity
    7.Adults to protect the future
    The foster system are trying to find more relatives placement and they are doing it but sometimes it is not explored enough. Its hard trying to find relatives and can be very time consuming. I myself at times had a really hard time finding relatives and sometimes I would have to ask the parents about family placements everytime we had a face to face and at times it took forever. Its a hard job, hard work. One situation I vividly remember is a new case I received and the aunt left a message on my telephone crying and stated she has tried effortly to reach the worker for four months in order to have her nephew placed with her and the worker never returned her phone call. I immediately called her back and she was still crying and I immediatley went out to her home and completed a homestudy. She was a great women and didnt really spend alot of time with nephew before because the mother kept him away but when she found out he was in foster care she immediately stepped forward. I didnt bash her for not knowing he was in foster care but rather listened to her end of the story and considered her before deciding to not return her phone calls. you are right they have been my niece family and have no problem saying their family and I am grateful they have taken care of her. My only problem I have is those individual who will say I am not family but a stranger. I have family members that I never met or met later in life for the first time and even if I didnt know them they are family and will always be considered family. I recently got in contact with my mothers sister and kids and even though I never knew them I was rather excited and happy that I have extended family and they are my family and Im looking forward to meeting them for the first time. Foster parents are also considered family especially those that have kids placed in their homes for an extended period of time too.
  7. #37
    ecmst12 is online now Senior Member
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    Your questions have been answered. You can go away now.
  8. #38
    fediana is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ecmst12 View Post
    Your questions have been answered. You can go away now.
    lol you really dont have to come to my thread and read anything. go reply on someone else thread so your the one that need to go away. enjoy your night
  9. #39
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fediana View Post
    I know my niece knows her current foster parent as her family and will never say otherwise. I see your point of view and at least you presented in a constructive way compared to others on this site. If my niece is placed in my custody one day when she is older I will have to explain to her what happened when she was young. I know I am able to deal and provide the irreducible needs of a child like
    1.Ongoing nurturing relationships
    2.Physical protection, safety, and regulation
    3.Experiences tailored to individual differences
    4.Developmentally appropriate experiences
    5.Limit setting, structure, and expectations
    6.Stable communities and cultural continuity
    7.Adults to protect the future
    The foster system are trying to find more relatives placement and they are doing it but sometimes it is not explored enough. Its hard trying to find relatives and can be very time consuming. I myself at times had a really hard time finding relatives and sometimes I would have to ask the parents about family placements everytime we had a face to face and at times it took forever. Its a hard job, hard work. One situation I vividly remember is a new case I received and the aunt left a message on my telephone crying and stated she has tried effortly to reach the worker for four months in order to have her nephew placed with her and the worker never returned her phone call. I immediately called her back and she was still crying and I immediatley went out to her home and completed a homestudy. She was a great women and didnt really spend alot of time with nephew before because the mother kept him away but when she found out he was in foster care she immediately stepped forward. I didnt bash her for not knowing he was in foster care but rather listened to her end of the story and considered her before deciding to not return her phone calls. you are right they have been my niece family and have no problem saying their family and I am grateful they have taken care of her. My only problem I have is those individual who will say I am not family but a stranger. I have family members that I never met or met later in life for the first time and even if I didnt know them they are family and will always be considered family. I recently got in contact with my mothers sister and kids and even though I never knew them I was rather excited and happy that I have extended family and they are my family and Im looking forward to meeting them for the first time. Foster parents are also considered family especially those that have kids placed in their homes for an extended period of time too.
    I am going to try one more time....

    What are your earliest memories? Do your remember your bond with your mother and father at that age or even somewhat later? Can you put yourself into the shoes of a child who has someone who is mommy and daddy and imagine what kind of traumna it would be to be ripped from that mommy and daddy?

    What people here are trying to make you understand is that if you go forward with this, and prevail, you are going to be ripping a child from the people who form that child's primary bond. CPS has to do that all the time when children are not safe with their parents...and it damages them then even if they have been abused or neglected, which is one reason why the primary goal of CPS is to provide services to the parents so the reunification can happen.

    Yes, kinship care is also something that CPS works towards when possible, because that keeps children with people who are at least their secondary bonds, if not almost primary. However, you are NOT that for this child. To this child, you are a stranger. This child does not know you from adam...this child won't care that you are a blood relation. All this child will know is that you ripped them from the people who formed their primary bond. Yes, eventually you will likely develop a primary bond with the child, but it will still traumatize the child to be ripped from the people who are their primary bond now.

    So...you have to decide what you are going to do based on what is in the best interest of the child...not you...not your family...but what is best for the child.

    If you had had a close relationship with the child I doubt that anyone would fault you for what you are doing...but you didn't and don't. It wasn't your fault, but its reality. This child is a human being with emotions and feelings all of her own. She may be young, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have feelings and emotions. It doesn't mean that she doesn't identify people as "her people". So, please make sure that whatever you do is based on what is really best for HER.
  10. #40
    ecmst12 is online now Senior Member
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    You are wasting your time and energy, Ld.
  11. #41
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LdiJ View Post
    I am going to try one more time....

    What are your earliest memories? Do your remember your bond with your mother and father at that age or even somewhat later? Can you put yourself into the shoes of a child who has someone who is mommy and daddy and imagine what kind of traumna it would be to be ripped from that mommy and daddy?

    What people here are trying to make you understand is that if you go forward with this, and prevail, you are going to be ripping a child from the people who form that child's primary bond. CPS has to do that all the time when children are not safe with their parents...and it damages them then even if they have been abused or neglected, which is one reason why the primary goal of CPS is to provide services to the parents so the reunification can happen.

    Yes, kinship care is also something that CPS works towards when possible, because that keeps children with people who are at least their secondary bonds, if not almost primary. However, you are NOT that for this child. To this child, you are a stranger. This child does not know you from adam...this child won't care that you are a blood relation. All this child will know is that you ripped them from the people who formed their primary bond. Yes, eventually you will likely develop a primary bond with the child, but it will still traumatize the child to be ripped from the people who are their primary bond now.

    So...you have to decide what you are going to do based on what is in the best interest of the child...not you...not your family...but what is best for the child.

    If you had had a close relationship with the child I doubt that anyone would fault you for what you are doing...but you didn't and don't. It wasn't your fault, but its reality. This child is a human being with emotions and feelings all of her own. She may be young, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have feelings and emotions. It doesn't mean that she doesn't identify people as "her people". So, please make sure that whatever you do is based on what is really best for HER.


    Bless you for trying, LdiJ.
  12. #42
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    OK, So what is your plan say you receive your - 3 year old perhaps - from her family. (you can accept they have been her family?)?
    Actually legally they have not been. She has been in the custody of the state and unless the foster family has been lying to her this child knows who her mother and father are. The foster family has NO rights unless they have adopted the child.

    Outside of your love, houseing, etc....

    Because say this is a single mom who has been full time caretaker to a infant/baby/toddler (the formative/attachment years) - and the dad just appears decides she wants a full on relationship with his child - its a pretty common story.
    Big difference.
    The state is MANDATED to place the child in the least restrictive environment -- which is with family instead of a foster caregiver -- if appropriate family is available before mother's rights are terminated.

    The advice we give is to request reunification counseling (with the counselor, new parent, and the child)...some very short supervised visits for x period time (generally months) - so child is keeping his secure attachment to his primary caretaker but still getting to know - by legal right - the father. If dad successfully will jump through these hoops with the child...then unsupervised visits begin - but even then its partial visitation!!!!
    Big difference in situations. If she is appropriate, the state MUST start transitioning the child -- not with a counselor necessarily. And reunification does NOT come into play automatically in these situations due to the differences involved.

    I know the foster family is not the really mommy. And I know the foster care has a different system than family law court. My question - is where in here does the child NOT get ripped from the only family he knows? How, as a prospective guardian, do you plan to deal with these parts of a child that Barry Brazelton calls "Irreducible Needs" ?
    If the state had done its job in looking for family and working hard to place the child with family, this would not be an issue. You are not understanding the differences.
    Nor are most of the people on this thread.

    Look - I think its right foster care is trying more and more to find relatives - and I sure wish they had that more in place in their system. But that didn't happen here.
    And quite frankly the STATE is held responsible for that because the state is mandated to make sure that relatives are found if they are available. This child can be transitioned to OP's home and the child can transition there in a healthy manner.

    All of you stating foster care is where the child should remain are quite frankly clueless about the laws and need to understand them.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  13. #43
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LdiJ View Post
    I am going to try one more time....

    What are your earliest memories? Do your remember your bond with your mother and father at that age or even somewhat later? Can you put yourself into the shoes of a child who has someone who is mommy and daddy and imagine what kind of traumna it would be to be ripped from that mommy and daddy?

    What people here are trying to make you understand is that if you go forward with this, and prevail, you are going to be ripping a child from the people who form that child's primary bond. CPS has to do that all the time when children are not safe with their parents...and it damages them then even if they have been abused or neglected, which is one reason why the primary goal of CPS is to provide services to the parents so the reunification can happen.

    Yes, kinship care is also something that CPS works towards when possible, because that keeps children with people who are at least their secondary bonds, if not almost primary. However, you are NOT that for this child. To this child, you are a stranger. This child does not know you from adam...this child won't care that you are a blood relation. All this child will know is that you ripped them from the people who formed their primary bond. Yes, eventually you will likely develop a primary bond with the child, but it will still traumatize the child to be ripped from the people who are their primary bond now.

    So...you have to decide what you are going to do based on what is in the best interest of the child...not you...not your family...but what is best for the child.

    If you had had a close relationship with the child I doubt that anyone would fault you for what you are doing...but you didn't and don't. It wasn't your fault, but its reality. This child is a human being with emotions and feelings all of her own. She may be young, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have feelings and emotions. It doesn't mean that she doesn't identify people as "her people". So, please make sure that whatever you do is based on what is really best for HER.
    Lovely. Bravo. None of that has ANYTHING to do with what the law mandates in this situation. If this woman is appropriate and family, the state MUST attempt to transition the child to her rather than terminating the parents' rights. Try to learn the law in this area before spouting off about it.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  14. #44
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ecmst12 View Post
    You are wasting your time and energy, Ld.
    Especially since this is a legal site and there was nothing in what she stated that was LEGALLY relevant or accurate.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  15. #45
    fediana is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LdiJ View Post
    I am going to try one more time....

    What are your earliest memories? Do your remember your bond with your mother and father at that age or even somewhat later? Can you put yourself into the shoes of a child who has someone who is mommy and daddy and imagine what kind of traumna it would be to be ripped from that mommy and daddy?

    What people here are trying to make you understand is that if you go forward with this, and prevail, you are going to be ripping a child from the people who form that child's primary bond. CPS has to do that all the time when children are not safe with their parents...and it damages them then even if they have been abused or neglected, which is one reason why the primary goal of CPS is to provide services to the parents so the reunification can happen.

    Yes, kinship care is also something that CPS works towards when possible, because that keeps children with people who are at least their secondary bonds, if not almost primary. However, you are NOT that for this child. To this child, you are a stranger. This child does not know you from adam...this child won't care that you are a blood relation. All this child will know is that you ripped them from the people who formed their primary bond. Yes, eventually you will likely develop a primary bond with the child, but it will still traumatize the child to be ripped from the people who are their primary bond now.

    So...you have to decide what you are going to do based on what is in the best interest of the child...not you...not your family...but what is best for the child.

    If you had had a close relationship with the child I doubt that anyone would fault you for what you are doing...but you didn't and don't. It wasn't your fault, but its reality. This child is a human being with emotions and feelings all of her own. She may be young, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have feelings and emotions. It doesn't mean that she doesn't identify people as "her people". So, please make sure that whatever you do is based on what is really best for HER.
    thanks for trying again but I do not have any memory of anything at age 23 months, Do you have any memory of anything at that age? I only have one or two memory when I was about 4 years old and I remember playing outside in front of my home. Most people dont have any memory at 23 months. My niece does not know me as blood relative but how can a person explain to a child when they are older that were not actually abandon by their family but rather their family fought tooth and nail for them. I clearly know for a fact that alot of kids that are adopted feel that they were not wanted by their biological family. I have a sibling that was raised in a great home and to this day she feels she was left behind by her mom and still wished she was not left behind. I have stated and will say it again adoption should be an option when there is no suitable family member able to provide care, love, and a home for the child.

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