Abusive ex wife and custody of my kids

[Ziggishark]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I have 2 boys, one is 3years old and I am his father but me and my soon to be ex wife were not married when he was born, and the other is 14 months old and me and her were married when he was born.

I am seeking advice on how to go about custody and an opinion on whether or not my wife should get major visitation rights.

Their mother keeps the boys in a very small room that is so very cluttered my son cannot walk out the 3 foot path from the crib to the wall to get to the door from his bed, the house has health violations from how dirty it is including mold from leaving food out for weeks, has assaulted me while holding my 3 year old because I came to pick him up (she had agreed to me getting him but changed her mind), refuses to fill out forms to ensure the boys get child care (they have been denied 4 times because of her), she cannot keep a steady job and currently works from 8-9 every day, she has made multiple threats to take away my children and never allow me to see them again if I don't do exactly what she says when she says it (dropping everything to take the boys to an appointment because she didn't want to, pay her phone bill, pay to fix her crashed car etc), refused to make payments to the boys childcare facility and medical bills, plans to take the boys only for 2 days but then changes that to over a week without notice, regularly fights with me in front of the children and on one occasion that I'm aware of refused to feed the boys lunch because she didn't feel like cooking. The assault, dirty home, and refusal to feed the boys has been reported with child services with little help though and I have documented proof of the incidents. When I spoke to a police officer (about the assault) he stated that I could be charged with child endangerment because I tried to take the boys from their mother and she has 'momma bear syndrome' and told her she has 100% legal rights to my older son and can forcibly take him at any point and if I say she can't take both of my boys (she won't just take my oldest) to immediately call the police.

Their mom wants the boys with full custody or joint custody where she gets them for a full week every other week although she has made it clear she can't take them that long and still work and absolutely refuses to even consider any other option that would work best for the boys. (I proposed she get them Friday at 6 after her work, to Monday at 4 and I will get them from daycare, as well as have them when she is off work and I have a break from college) What should I do? Should I fight for my boys in court or just let her win? She was a good mother at one point about a year or so ago then her dad died and she became a mess for lack of better wording. She claims to be bipolar and makes the excuse she can't take care of the boys or clean the house because of her depression as well as self medicates. Is it possible she could get full custody/week on week off? Could I even get custody of my boys? Help me please

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I have 2 boys, one is 3years old and I am his father but me and my soon to be ex wife were not married when he was born, and the other is 14 months old and me and her were married when he was born.

Are you on the birth certificate of the three-year old?
How long have you been separated from your wife?

I am seeking advice on how to go about custody and an opinion on whether or not my wife should get major visitation rights.

Their mother keeps the boys in a very small room that is so very cluttered my son cannot walk out the 3 foot path from the crib to the wall to get to the door from his bed, the house has health violations from how dirty it is including mold from leaving food out for weeks,

What have you done about that? Have you filed for emergency custody? Was CPS called in? Who stated the house has health violations? Was mom cited? Why have you returned the children to that situation?

has assaulted me while holding my 3 year old because I came to pick him up (she had agreed to me getting him but changed her mind),

Did you call the police? How did she assault you?

refuses to fill out forms to ensure the boys get child care (they have been denied 4 times because of her),

What forms has she not completed? Why can't you complete them?

she cannot keep a steady job and currently works from 8-9 every day,

One hour or thirteen hours? How often do you work?

she has made multiple threats to take away my children and never allow me to see them again if I don't do exactly what she says when she says it (dropping everything to take the boys to an appointment because she didn't want to, pay her phone bill, pay to fix her crashed car etc),

Why have you tolerated the threats and caved?

refused to make payments to the boys childcare facility and medical bills,

What court orders exist?

plans to take the boys only for 2 days but then changes that to over a week without notice, regularly fights with me in front of the children and on one occasion that I'm aware of refused to feed the boys lunch because she didn't feel like cooking.

What did you do about it?

The assault, dirty home, and refusal to feed the boys has been reported with child services with little help though and I have documented proof of the incidents.

What is the documented proof?

When I spoke to a police officer (about the assault) he stated that I could be charged with child endangerment because I tried to take the boys from their mother and she has 'momma bear syndrome' and told her she has 100% legal rights to my older son and can forcibly take him at any point and if I say she can't take both of my boys (she won't just take my oldest) to immediately call the police.

Police were wrong.

Their mom wants the boys with full custody or joint custody where she gets them for a full week every other week although she has made it clear she can't take them that long and still work and absolutely refuses to even consider any other option that would work best for the boys. (I proposed she get them Friday at 6 after her work, to Monday at 4 and I will get them from daycare, as well as have them when she is off work and I have a break from college)

Do you work?

What should I do? Should I fight for my boys in court or just let her win? She was a good mother at one point about a year or so ago then her dad died and she became a mess for lack of better wording. She claims to be bipolar and makes the excuse she can't take care of the boys or clean the house because of her depression as well as self medicates. Is it possible she could get full custody/week on week off? Could I even get custody of my boys? Help me please

Ohio has a presumption of shared parenting. Why would you just "let" her win? Are you a horrible father? It is possible that either of you could get full custody or you could share custody. Answer my questions.

 

[stealth2]

Have you explored what mental health care she could get? Between two toddlers and her father passing - whether she has BPS or not - she needs help. It wouldn't surprise me if she is suffering from post-partum and general depression. How hove you helped your wife?

 

[Ziggishark]

Answers to your questions

I am on the birth certificate and all forms as the father. We have been sepersted for almost 1.5 years.

I did call cps about the house, assault and refusal to feed the boys. They offered me counseling advice for the assault, told me I cannot get emergency custody, and said they will file it but they can't do nothing else. I clean her house before I let the boys go now because it's not safe for them and she won't do it.

I did call the police and so did she. She held my son while sitting on the couch, kicked me in the throat 3 times while my son cried, punched me and scratched me. Police told me I have zero parental rights to my older son because me and her weren't married when he was born and stated I should be charged with child endangerment.

She won't fill out the paperwork on her side for childcare. We are still married legally and apparently if she doesn't fill out her side of the forms (work schedule, income etc) the boys are denied child care regardless if I send mine in because they say I have zero rights to one of my children.

13 hours a day and I'm in college from 8-2 and get payments from VA, I work at home on my own time selling life insurance.

I have been told I don't have a choice but to tolerate them from lawyers and cops and family because if I don't I lose my children.

No court orders we are not divorced at all yet that's why I'm seeking help on how exactly to go about this beforehand. But she is listed as their mother and thus has to fill out forms for the children to receive care or else they get denied care.

I called child protective services and they said if it happens again they will start an investigation. This is the instance where I came to pick them up and she assaulted me because I tried to pick them up when I was told to.

Documented proof as in pictures, text messages, Facebook posts,police reports,statements from their daycare.

I work on my own time and I have a girlfriend who works part time.

I have been told by lawyers and police that if I don't comply and let her get what she wants then I will lose my children permanently because she's their mother and has full custody of one of my children and the court won't separate the boys like that so she will be given both. I want to fight for my boys and get primary custody but I've been told to not fight because it's likely if I do I won't get them at all

 

[Ziggishark]

Reply

I have offered to get her help I have taken her to paid therapy sessions and talked to her doctor and she refuses to go stating she doesn't need help and certainly not from me

 

[Proserpina]

I'm sorry, but I'm finding it difficult to believe that a bunch of attorneys have told you that she will automatically get full custody because she's Mom and if you fight for custody you'll lose the children permanently.

There's something very, very odd about that.

So what are we missing?

 

[Ziggishark]

They are saying she will get full custody because she already has it over one of my sons. And they won't seperate the boys. The cops have said she will get full custody and I'll get special visitation rights

 

[Proserpina]

They are saying she will get full custody because she already has it over one of my sons. And they won't seperate the boys. The cops have said she will get full custody and I'll get special visitation rights

Seriously, cops are not attorneys. Really. Quit listening to them, and get yourself to an attorney.

 

[Ziggishark]

I have gotten myself an attorney and they are saying relatively the same thing. They have told me that we can get shared custody as long as she agrees to it.
But if she doesn't then the court decides and she will get primarily for visitation and such. That's what I'm concerned about. Right now I have the boys 90% of the time and I pay for everything and take them to almost all their appointments because she will not. I'm worried about visitation because I don't believe it's safe for her to have them the way she wants to have them and if she doesn't agree to a visitation schedule then what the courts will provide as the schedule

 

[Ziggishark]

This is also my second marriage and I've been through this system once before with my daughter. I provided proof of neglect and the courts awarded her mother with full custody of my daughter. I worry it will happen again and am trying to get answers

 

[commentator]

Quote: I have been told by lawyers and police that if I don't comply and let her get what she wants then I will lose my children permanently because she's their mother and has full custody of one of my children and the court won't separate the boys like that so she will be given both. I want to fight for my boys and get primary custody but I've been told to not fight because it's likely if I do I won't get them at all[/QUOTE]

Okay first of all, I am not sure I believe you. Numerous lawyers, huh? Did you hire an attorney and that attorney tell you this? Seriously? Or are you sure they didn't tell you something like, "right now, as the situation is, she has full custody of one child. You are not divorced and have no orders on the other child. So as it is right now, you have NO control of the situation." If you've been told by all these multiple lawyers that there's no hope for you, what in the heck are you doing on the internet trying to get us to tell you something to do that bypasses the courts and every attorney in your county? I think you are woofing us.

Honestly, I watched something seriously similar to this play out in a close family member's life. Postpartum depression may also have been a factor. But the biggest problem was that my family member was too darn cheap. He 'couldn't afford' a good lawyer, so he spent four or five years in total misery with no court orders, fussing and fighting with his ex, calling CPS till they were bored with it all, having those little scenes where she held the child behind her and clawed and scratched....same demons.

In capitol letters here, sell your blood, your car, your tv, take a semester off from school and work if you have to, but GET A LAWYER, and a good one at that. Get a divorce. This relationship is over. You are already moving on, as in the girlfriend, but frankly, being old and wise, I wouldn't touch you and all your child custody and undivorced condition and all the upset all the time and on the phone fighting with somebody about your children and the money and the visits! Aaaugh! Hope you're otherwise very charming, because you're poison, personally, because your life is in shambles.

And you, not your separated wife (not even ex yet!) is not the one who can fix it. CPS can't fix it. The police can't fix it. A judge can't fix it, but they'd come closer to helping than anybody else, because if things were spelled out in ANY fashion, then it would be more predictible and more enforceable, and there'd be parameters that your ex-wife (sounds sweeter, doesn't it?) would have to meet or everyone would be able to see that she was at fault.

For a person who's seeking higher education you come across as very misinformed by this huge contingent of lawyers, doctors, police officers and CPS workers (oh, and I forgot, family members!) about child custody and parenting issues. No, mothers do not always get custody. And please, let your lawyer guide you, but lay off the "abuse" adjective and verb. What your wife does to the kids is what might generally be called neglect, she's probably guilty of not being a very good mother, and keeping the kids in a dirty house and being a very poor manager of their lives right now, but "abuse" has been over used, it's a little over dramatic for what you've described here, and it's losing you ground with all the social agencies you work with and will not stand you well in court. But discuss it all with YOUR lawyer. The one you're going to get to help you repair this situation now, before you or your children get a minute older, please! The sooner it's done, the sooner you can start having a real positive influence in your children's life instead of standing around on the corners bitching and moaning.

 

[Silverplum]

Girlfriend? You have a girlfriend going, too?

 

[commentator]

Yep, even says so right up front. She must be the really misguided one. In my family situation that I mentioned, it was the next wife who actually hired the attorney that finally put an end to the terrible drama. I actually think my family member was quite addicted to the situation.

 

[Ohiogal]

They are saying she will get full custody because she already has it over one of my sons. And they won't seperate the boys. The cops have said she will get full custody and I'll get special visitation rights

Wrong. She doesn't have full custody unless there was a court order on that child. And Mt. Vernon may be a small town but the cops are not that educated. Try again. Furthermore, your girlfriend is a bit of an issue and will end up with a no paramour order prohibiting her from being around the children. I quite frankly don't believe what you have been told. Unless of course you are mom and trying to find out if dad has a shot.

 

[Ziggishark]

I don't live in Mt. Vernon. And would that also mean my wife's fiancé wouldn't allowed around the children either?