Cought in a child custody battle

[bigguyj]

Ok, i recently found myself in a big mess due to my ex girlfriend lying. I live in Florida, she lives in Virginia. 5 years ago my girlfriend of the time became pregnant, she stated it wasnt mine she was cheating on me. She got together with this guy and they moved in together. She had the baby, put him on the birth certificate and he has been raising it since birth. They moved up to Virginia so on and so forth. Well now they are divorced and they are fighting over custody of the child and out of the blue my ex starts talking to me stating her attorney wants me to submit to a paternity test because he did one and is not the biological father. She stated they are loosing the court cases and her attorney feels this will somehow help them stop him from having full custody and full rights. She claims they want him off of the birth certificate and wants my help. Now having a family of my own now and finding out that this child is mine is blowing my mind. She is now re-married and claims she is not doing this to get back child support from me or anything, she wants the child to remain thinking that this other guy is her father as she doesnt want to put that on the child. She asked for my address so they can send the papers to have me go submit to the test. Now i just dont know what to do. I do want to help her but at this point she lied to me and i dont want to find myself in the middle of a big custody war for a daughter i have never seen. Will it change anything in their court case if i do submit to the test and come back as the biological father? What will that mean for me? Should i have her attorney write something up stating that they are not going to go after me for payments of child support for a child that i never even knew i had? Any advice would help i would be greatly appreciated.

 

[mistoffolees]

Ok, i recently found myself in a big mess due to my ex girlfriend lying. I live in Florida, she lives in Virginia. 5 years ago my girlfriend of the time became pregnant, she stated it wasnt mine she was cheating on me. She got together with this guy and they moved in together. She had the baby, put him on the birth certificate and he has been raising it since birth. They moved up to Virginia so on and so forth. Well now they are divorced and they are fighting over custody of the child and out of the blue my ex starts talking to me stating her attorney wants me to submit to a paternity test because he did one and is not the biological father. She stated they are loosing the court cases and her attorney feels this will somehow help them stop him from having full custody and full rights. She claims they want him off of the birth certificate and wants my help. Now having a family of my own now and finding out that this child is mine is blowing my mind. She is now re-married and claims she is not doing this to get back child support from me or anything, she wants the child to remain thinking that this other guy is her father as she doesnt want to put that on the child. She asked for my address so they can send the papers to have me go submit to the test. Now i just dont know what to do. I do want to help her but at this point she lied to me and i dont want to find myself in the middle of a big custody war for a daughter i have never seen. Will it change anything in their court case if i do submit to the test and come back as the biological father? What will that mean for me? Should i have her attorney write something up stating that they are not going to go after me for payments of child support for a child that i never even knew i had? Any advice would help i would be greatly appreciated.

You're not getting the whole story. Several things that your ex told you are huge red flags. She's playing you.

And an agreement from them not to go after child support isn't going to be worth the paper it's written on. First, it's unusual for back child support to be ordered at all, and especially when the child had a legal father. Second, even if they agree to something now, they're free to change their mind in the future.

You have two courses of action. No one can tell you which to choose, but either one is legally correct:

1. Do absolutely nothing until and unless you get a court order to submit to DNA testing. If you are found to be the father, you could then file for visitation and/or custody to go with the child support you'll probably be paying.

2. Be proactive and file for paternity, visitation, custody, and support and a court-ordered DNA test.

 

[bigguyj]

Well thats the thing, she isnt wanting me to be part of the childs life. She is hoping that by proving im the biological father that they will be able to get him off of the birth certificate. She claims she does not want him to be able to make any kind of decisions for the child. Her and her attorney are clawing for anything it seems because they are loosing the court case and they are just grabbing for roots now. This DNA test is just her attorney trying to show that other guy is not the father. I am not sure if the judge in the case will order me to take a test because atm im not really part of this case.

 

[Ohiogal]

Well thats the thing, she isnt wanting me to be part of the childs life. She is hoping that by proving im the biological father that they will be able to get him off of the birth certificate. She claims she does not want him to be able to make any kind of decisions for the child. Her and her attorney are clawing for anything it seems because they are loosing the court case and they are just grabbing for roots now. This DNA test is just her attorney trying to show that other guy is not the father. I am not sure if the judge in the case will order me to take a test because atm im not really part of this case.

OH so you think the only choice is to be a pawn? Why can't you make an adult decision and decide whether YOU want to be a father to this child. If you want to be a father then step up. If you want to turn your back on this child and never find out if you are dad, then turn tail and go.

Mom is trying to use you -- okay. But that doesn't mean you have to settle for being used. You could decide that you want to meet and get to know this child if she turns out to be YOUR daughter.

Or you can pretend the call never happened and not find out whether you are dad. Your choice.

 

[nextwife]

So is Mom trying to get you to cooperate in DIS-establishing paternity of the only man this child has ever known as their father, now that she wishes to be with someone else than him?

To this child, their dad is the man they know AS DAD. Personally, I don't believe you should help mom play a new round of musical daddys to help her cut out the man who had been dad, just so she can prevail in her custody fight. If this man had not been legal dad, it is unlikely there would even be a custody issue with her ex..

 

[bigguyj]

OH so you think the only choice is to be a pawn? Why can't you make an adult decision and decide whether YOU want to be a father to this child. If you want to be a father then step up. If you want to turn your back on this child and never find out if you are dad, then turn tail and go.

Mom is trying to use you -- okay. But that doesn't mean you have to settle for being used. You could decide that you want to meet and get to know this child if she turns out to be YOUR daughter.

Or you can pretend the call never happened and not find out whether you are dad. Your choice.

I think your not understanding what im asking here. I didnt come here and ask for your moral views. If i wanted that i would go to some Yahoo christian forum. You fail to understand several things,
1-She will be living on the other side of the U.S
2-The mother obviously didnt want me there when she was born and her views did not change.
3-If i was "Turning Tail" then i wouldnt be looking into this as i know i can just ignore this until court ordered which honestly might never happen.

I guess i was looking to see if the judge will still rule in the favor of his ex husband. I know the law down here in FL is since he was on the birth certificate he would continue to be responsible for her. So i was curious if this would all be a waste of time on my part and her part and if her attorney is just leading her down dead end roads.

 

[bigguyj]

So is Mom trying to get you to cooperate in DIS-establishing paternity of the only man this child has ever known as their father, now that she wishes to be with someone else than him?

To this child, their dad is the man they know AS DAD. Personally, I don't believe you should help mom play a new round of musical daddys to help her cut out the man who had been dad, just so she can prevail in her custody fight. If this man had not been legal dad, it is unlikely there would even be a custody issue with her ex..

I agree with you 100% and that is the dilemma i am in. Yes she might be my biological daughter, but this child does not even know who i am. We never met, i never saw her. Her whole life she knew this other guy as her father, i am just trying to think of the impact it would have on the child. But mother now claims the father is mistreating her and has her sleeping in a room with an 11 yr old boy who is the son of the other guys girlfriend. I have my disbeliefs as i know the other guy and he was not that bad of a person but she claims he changed since the divorce. She has a record of being a liar, hence this whole situation.

 

[Ohiogal]

I think your not understanding what im asking here. I didnt come here and ask for your moral views. If i wanted that i would go to some Yahoo christian forum. You fail to understand several things,
1-She will be living on the other side of the U.S

And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.

2-The mother obviously didnt want me there when she was born and her views did not change.

And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.

3-If i was "Turning Tail" then i wouldnt be looking into this as i know i can just ignore this until court ordered which honestly might never happen.

And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.

I guess i was looking to see if the judge will still rule in the favor of his ex husband. I know the law down here in FL is since he was on the birth certificate he would continue to be responsible for her. So i was curious if this would all be a waste of time on my part and her part and if her attorney is just leading her down dead end roads.

You could file to establish paternity. You are the only one of the three that has power here quite frankly. YOU can choose to man up or you can choose to turn tail. That is a fair statement. The bigger question is, does it matter if this is your child or not?

Apparently it doesn't matter or you wouldn't be questioning wanting to establish paternity. So go along your merry way. Legally, your choices are do nothing until the court orders you to do so, OR file a motion to establish paternity/custody/visitation.

 

[mistoffolees]

Well thats the thing, she isnt wanting me to be part of the childs life. She is hoping that by proving im the biological father that they will be able to get him off of the birth certificate. She claims she does not want him to be able to make any kind of decisions for the child. Her and her attorney are clawing for anything it seems because they are loosing the court case and they are just grabbing for roots now. This DNA test is just her attorney trying to show that other guy is not the father. I am not sure if the judge in the case will order me to take a test because atm im not really part of this case.

See my previous post. You have 2 options. No one can tell you which one to choose - it comes down to whether you want to be part of the child's life (if it is your child, of course) or not.

 

[bigguyj]

And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.



And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.



And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.


You could file to establish paternity. You are the only one of the three that has power here quite frankly. YOU can choose to man up or you can choose to turn tail. That is a fair statement. The bigger question is, does it matter if this is your child or not?

Apparently it doesn't matter or you wouldn't be questioning wanting to establish paternity. So go along your merry way. Legally, your choices are do nothing until the court orders you to do so, OR file a motion to establish paternity/custody/visitation.

Your right, this is not a question of me wanting to establish paternity. I will be honest, i have no emotional ties to a child that i never met. When we split i tried to make it work though all the cheating and such, she on the other hand was not having that. Now she finds out the other guy is in stage 2 liver failure she is calling me. I am sorry but i have 3 of my own kids that i am raising and im not the "go to" guy simply because i might be the biological father. None of the responses you have given me help. Your licensed to practice law so you can answer the question i am asking. Be it that i have no moral, or am a terrible person or whatever you want to say. The question that i am asking is simple. I take the test, i am the father, does the other guy keep his rights since he raised the child since birth? That is all i want to know. I know there are attorneys that like to lead clients down dead ends to keep the clock ticking so to say.

 

[nextwife]

And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.



And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.



And if you wanted to be the father or find out if your sperm is the one who impregnated her, then you would find a way to make it work and not use this excuse.


You could file to establish paternity. You are the only one of the three that has power here quite frankly. YOU can choose to man up or you can choose to turn tail. That is a fair statement. The bigger question is, does it matter if this is your child or not?

Apparently it doesn't matter or you wouldn't be questioning wanting to establish paternity. So go along your merry way. Legally, your choices are do nothing until the court orders you to do so, OR file a motion to establish paternity/custody/visitation.

What is the definition of "his child"? This child has a legal father, and it is NOT the poster. The man who is that father is the one to whom this is "his child".

Personally, I don't think "manning up" includes helping mom discard this child's dad now that Mom wants to trade him in for a new model. One is no less MAN if they are allowing the child to be parented by their legal father. Is a mom who allows a different woman to become and remain the legal parent of her biological child less "woman"?

Being bio wouldn't make him better. If a child has and has had a legal dad, interferring in that relationship would be a stinky thing to do. IMHO. Being a non biological parent is being no less of a parent. This child's legal dad is no less of a parent, and likely doesn't deserve to be ousted at mom's whim.

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the definition of "his child"? This child has a legal father, and it is NOT the poster. The man who is that father is the one to whom this is "his child".

Personally, I don't think "manning up" includes helping mom discard this child's dad now that Mom wants to trade him in for a new model. One is no less MAN if they are allowing the child to be parented by their legal father. Is a mom who allows a different woman to become and remain the legal parent of her biological child less "woman"?

Being bio wouldn't make him better. If a child has and has had a legal dad, interferring in that relationship would be a stinky thing to do. IMHO. Being a non biological parent is being no less of a parent. This child's legal dad is no less of a parent, and likely doesn't deserve to be ousted at mom's whim.

I think it depends.

If OP has no interest in the child and is not going to play a role in the child's life, then I agree with you.

OTOH, if OP is going to step up to the plate and actually be a father, then I don't think there's anything wrong with him doing so. Of course, the tone of his post and previous inaction suggests that this won't be the case.

 

[nextwife]

I think it depends.

If OP has no interest in the child and is not going to play a role in the child's life, then I agree with you.

OTOH, if OP is going to step up to the plate and actually be a father, then I don't think there's anything wrong with him doing so. Of course, the tone of his post and previous inaction suggests that this won't be the case.

But the result of dis-establishing dad would be MORE than "playing a role". It would be cutting off legal dad at the knees. It would be discarding legal dad and stripping his rights. It would be saying "You were always dad to this child, but we don't give a rip about you, your feelings or the child's feelings because, since you don't share DNA with the child, you aren't good enough anymore to continue being dad. It says that, because we NOW, finally have the dna provider we don't need or want you anymore, so go away and forget you had a child: you are no longer needed.

I find the whole idea of undoing legal dad's dadhood at this point repulsive. I cannot imagine taking one's child away from them at this point. If DNA didn't matter then, why should it matter now?

You all seem to be saying that having a dad who isn't your biodad isn't good enough if you can get the biodad at some point. Trade in the inferior model for the supposedly better one.

 

[bigguyj]

That is not the case, i know how she is. If i did actually step up and go for split custody she would then turn around and fight me as the child would have to travel from Virgina to Florida to visit. If it is mine and i know there would be no trouble or big mess started i would have no problem taking it slowly, i am in no rush to jump into her life and be the "new" dad and destroy her whole vision of her father figure now.

 

[ecmst12]

I don't think refusing to participate in mom's scheme to strip the legal father of rights/responsibilities means he's not being a man. It isn't in the child's best interests to take legal dad off the birth certificate or out of his life at this point, and wanting OP to establish paternity without actually establishing a presence in the child's life is insane and stupid. I say, don't play the game, child has a father and that is how things should stay. Ignore ex unless you get a court order. If you DO get a court order, and are established as the father, don't be content to just write checks for the rest of his childhood, make an effort to get to know him - if his world is going to be rocked, might as well have the end result still be a father that gives a crap about him. But I wouldn't advise pushing the issue yourself.