Could really use some help

[Jeff423]

Nope, not being sarcastic at all. I assume you require her to wear skirts, rather than pants. Why?

I'll address the rest later. After you've answered my question.

You know what they say about people who assume, right? How does what she wears in my home have any relevance to the subject at hand? You're obviously trying to turn this into something it isn't based upon your line of questioning, for whatever reason I do not know. But if you must know sometimes she wears dresses, when you go to church, most often she wears shorts (and no not short shorts) or capris. In the wintertime she wears pants. You know because its cold!

It's obvious I need to watch how I word things on this forum because I didn't ever imagine anyone would think I literally meant she wasn't allowed to wear pants in my home. Wow.

 

[Jeff423]

I wouldn't allow, and never have allowed, my minor children to have "co-ed" steepovers. I can't control what they do as an adult and out of the house...but in MY HOME? My word is law.
I've been a Mother for almost 26 years and still not a Grammy.

It's never going to be allowed in my home either. If that makes me the bad guy in her eyes, so be it. I'd rather be seen as the bad guy as seen as a Papaw right now lol. I'm like you, in my home, my word is law as well. To many people, my ex included, allow children to run all over them. Not me and not here

 

[Zigner]

By the time my young un's were 17, we rarely saw them either. That's the nature of a 16/17 year old teen. (Just sayin')

 

[stealth2]

You know what they say about people who assume, right? How does what she wears in my home have any relevance to the subject at hand? You're obviously trying to turn this into something it isn't based upon your line of questioning, for whatever reason I do not know. But if you must know sometimes she wears dresses, when you go to church, most often she wears shorts (and no not short shorts) or capris. In the wintertime she wears pants. You know because its cold!

It's obvious I need to watch how I word things on this forum because I didn't ever imagine anyone would think I literally meant she wasn't allowed to wear pants in my home. Wow.

Oh please. Why would you even mention the not wearing of pants in your home if it wasn't an issue? You know, along the lines of "She wears pants at her mother's!" and "she has co-ed sleepovers at her mother's!" NOT in my house! Yes, it very often does turn on being a religious issue - and there is nothing wrong with that. But when there is a issue wrt a teen suddenly refusing (even if the refusal isn't in your face), the reasons behind it - and rules which MAY be spurring it - are important. Your strident response makes me (and I am sure others) think that there is more to the issue.

I'm a first gen American, from two relatively conservative cultures. I was allowed to wear pants to school - on gym days. And THEN? They were polyester "old lady" pants. Oh hell no. That was embarrassing. Put my foot down when I hit HS, and was then allowed to wear jeans. On Fridays. I wear a dress/skirt now only on Church occasions.

As for the sleepovers.... Diff'rent strokes. Both of mine (21 and 23, both genders) had friends of both genders sleep over. Sometimes there was a significant other in the mix.Funny - I have no grandchildren. I arranged it so that there was no getting by me in the middle of the night.

I'll be honest - it amuses me how you blame Mom for baby-girl not wanting to come, but only provide details (disrespect, destruction, etc) when you're asked questions. Where is YOUR part in (not) parenting the child properly? Because yes, you own part of this.

 

[Zigner]

Oh please. Why would you even mention the not wearing of pants in your home if it wasn't an issue?

Stealth - you're really nitpicking this one a bit much...

"Wearing the pants" is a pretty darn common idiom. From http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/wear+the+pants: "Exercise controlling authority in a household..."

 

[TigerD]

I've read this. Entire. Thread.

OP: You absolutely need an attorney. Now.

TD

 

[Just Blue]

Oh please. Why would you even mention the not wearing of pants in your home if it wasn't an issue? You know, along the lines of "She wears pants at her mother's!" and "she has co-ed sleepovers at her mother's!" NOT in my house! Yes, it very often does turn on being a religious issue - and there is nothing wrong with that. But when there is a issue wrt a teen suddenly refusing (even if the refusal isn't in your face), the reasons behind it - and rules which MAY be spurring it - are important. Your strident response makes me (and I am sure others) think that there is more to the issue.

I'm a first gen American, from two relatively conservative cultures. I was allowed to wear pants to school - on gym days. And THEN? They were polyester "old lady" pants. Oh hell no. That was embarrassing. Put my foot down when I hit HS, and was then allowed to wear jeans. On Fridays. I wear a dress/skirt now only on Church occasions.

As for the sleepovers.... Diff'rent strokes. Both of mine (21 and 23, both genders) had friends of both genders sleep over. Sometimes there was a significant other in the mix.Funny - I have no grandchildren. I arranged it so that there was no getting by me in the middle of the night.

I'll be honest - it amuses me how you blame Mom for baby-girl not wanting to come, but only provide details (disrespect, destruction, etc) when you're asked questions. Where is YOUR part in (not) parenting the child properly? Because yes, you own part of this.

Stealth...Please reread OP postings. He is not a misogynist that requires his child to wear a dress. It was a "turn of phrase".

 

[stealth2]

Perhaps. I'd prefer OP to say so. But thanks for giving him the words.

 

[Zigner]

Perhaps. I'd prefer OP to say so. But thanks for giving him the words.

Stealth - when someone has a "sky is falling" attitude, do they really think the sky is falling? When someone "cries wolf", do they really run around town yelling "WOLF!" so the townspeople know to protect their sheep? When someone "kicks the bucket", do they really kick over the water bucket?


When one "wears the pants" in a family, it means that they are the controlling force in the family. It's just an expression.

 

[Just Blue]

Perhaps. I'd prefer OP to say so. But thanks for giving him the words.

No one had to "give him the words" as it was a very apparent "turn of phrase".

 

[Jeff423]

By the time my young un's were 17, we rarely saw them either. That's the nature of a 16/17 year old teen. (Just sayin')

I agree, they have lives. But considering I only got to see her every other weekend I'd like to think she could have set aside 96 hours a month to visit.

 

[Zigner]

I agree, they have lives. But considering I only got to see her every other weekend I'd like to think she could have set aside 96 hours a month to visit.

Yeah I know...it sucks that teenagers want to live their own lives.

Go ahead and push this issue and see how much she visits a year from now...or two years...or three years...

 

[Jeff423]

Oh please. Why would you even mention the not wearing of pants in your home if it wasn't an issue? You know, along the lines of "She wears pants at her mother's!" and "she has co-ed sleepovers at her mother's!" NOT in my house! Yes, it very often does turn on being a religious issue - and there is nothing wrong with that. But when there is a issue wrt a teen suddenly refusing (even if the refusal isn't in your face), the reasons behind it - and rules which MAY be spurring it - are important. Your strident response makes me (and I am sure others) think that there is more to the issue.

I'm a first gen American, from two relatively conservative cultures. I was allowed to wear pants to school - on gym days. And THEN? They were polyester "old lady" pants. Oh hell no. That was embarrassing. Put my foot down when I hit HS, and was then allowed to wear jeans. On Fridays. I wear a dress/skirt now only on Church occasions.

As for the sleepovers.... Diff'rent strokes. Both of mine (21 and 23, both genders) had friends of both genders sleep over. Sometimes there was a significant other in the mix.Funny - I have no grandchildren. I arranged it so that there was no getting by me in the middle of the night.

I'll be honest - it amuses me how you blame Mom for baby-girl not wanting to come, but only provide details (disrespect, destruction, etc) when you're asked questions. Where is YOUR part in (not) parenting the child properly? Because yes, you own part of this.

With all due respect I came here seeking advice, not for my words to be misconstrued. This has nothing to do with religion. If she can't handle rules then that is her problem & not mine. Part of what is wrong with kids today is they have no rules. In life you have rules, laws, etc. you have to live by. What kind of parent would I be if I allowed my child to think life had none of those? Should I allow her to just do whatever, whenever? To leave home & think "I don't have to live by rules because Mom & Dad never made me". I'll have my rules & if she doesn't want to visit because of those then so be it. But I will fight to keep my credit days simply because SHE chooses not to come here with my very few rules. I do not keep her under lock & key when she was here. I allowed friends over, took them places, did things with them, etc. The only thing I did not allow was her boyfriend to sleep over. And honestly, when she was with me, for the short amount of time I had her, I didn't have to allow friends over period. That was our time together. Not our time & 3 other friends.

I am not blaming just Mom for her not coming but Mom could also see to it she is at home when I come to pick her up. Isn't she suppose to have her ready for me to pick up? Isn't she suppose to help enforce the order for visitation? Is she suppose to leave with her so I can't pick her up? I will certainly own any part of this that I am at fault for but if I am where I am suppose to be when I am suppose to be & they have left the home am I to hunt them down? It's also kind of hard to parent or "not" parent a child when the child isn't in your home. Her acting like she does with her Mom is an issue her & Mom need to work out. I can't control what happens in that home.

Again, with all due respect to you & any other member of this forum, I don't feel the need to defend my choice of words anymore. That is not why I came here.

 

[Just Blue]

I agree, they have lives. But considering I only got to see her every other weekend I'd like to think she could have set aside 96 hours a month to visit.

You are gifting her with an adult "emotional intellect". Most 17 year olds just don't have it.

Your DD has, per your postings, been allowed to roam free. She WILL learn, someday, that this is not in her OWN best interest (I hope). Try to be supportive when her epiphany hits.

 

[Jeff423]

Yeah I know...it sucks that teenagers want to live their own lives.

Go ahead and push this issue and see how much she visits a year from now...or two years...or three years...

Push the issue of wanting to see my child? Of course I am going to push the issue. I want to see my child! If I didn't push the issue then I'd be a pos Dad who never saw his kid. It's really a no win situation. Damned if you do & damned if you don't. But I will fight to see my child whether she be 7 or 17. I have that right. Period! She can still have a life & visit me but honestly, is it really asking to much to spend some time with your Dad when you can spend all the time in the world with your friends any other time? I don't think so but to each his own.