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Deadbeat dad, gaming system, playing mind games with 7yo.

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TheGoodDad

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

My wife's ex is the biological father of our 7yo daughter. They were separated shortly after she became pregnant (he was cheating, and left when he found out they were going to have a baby). I've been helping raise her since she was 6 weeks old.

In that time, he only held a job for about 7 months during our daughter's first year; he's not worked since. He is an alcoholic, and prescription drug abuser who has some medical issues as a direct result. His visitation has been slowly restricted down to 6 hours every other saturday, supervised by his girlfriend (it's a new one every couple years, when the old one gets wise, he finds another no-self esteem woman to mooch off of, otherwise he'd be homeless); this one is a type of officer and she has had him committed as 5150 on multiple occasions.

During his limited visitation, which is ordered to be supervised by his girlfriend, who we don't trust, but it's better than nothing, and his almost nightly phone calls, which by court order we have to allow, he uses his time to fill her head with lies, tries to reiterate to her that I'm "not her daddy" (we've always distinguished myself as Daddy, and him as Dad, since he was out of the picture completely for the first year and a half of her life, and she was already calling me Daddy), he basically uses his time to mess with her head, vs. spending any quality time with her, or asking about her day, etc.. More often than not, his time with her results in her being confused, moody, and acting out of control, leaving us to try to calm her down, and restore a sense of normalcy for her ...it's thoroughly disheartening to see her mood swing after her visits with him.

As for his gaming the system, as I said, he never works. He continuously checks himself into various hospitals between LA & Ventura counties, to secure pain medications, then goes on a bender ...rinse and repeat.

By a standing court order from 5 years ago both parents were to attend co-parenting classes, and all communication was to be done in writing via Family Wizard. My wife instantly took the class, and signed up for family wizard that very night; he has still not complied with any of that court order! He also continues to cancel his visits at the last minute or even after he was scheduled to pick her up, leaving us (again) to try to explain why he won't visit her that day (supposed to be 24 hour notice by court order).

2 years ago he went to court for child support and was granted a "temporary" adjustment to $0 pending a disability hearing he was "trying to get". The judge stated at the time that we would reconvene in one year and a retroactive adjustment would be made based on the findings of his hearing, or be reinstated as-is, if there was no finding. Having heard nothing my wife calls the court and they stated that they "have a doctor's note that he is disabled" and the order stands at $0. This is a guy who goes to Vegas, and rides horses, etc., but he has a doctor's note saying he's too sick to work. On the other hand, just weeks apart from the support hearing, he had petitioned for more custodial time (denied) where he provided a different doctor's note that stated he didn't require supervision for his visitation, as he was perfectly healthy enough to take care of a (then) 6yo child by himself. He has blatantly lied in court, even perjured himself in documents he's filed with the court, yet they just don't care!

Ironically, we've gone to pick her up only to have her answer the door stating that Dad was upstairs in bed, or had been "throwing up all day".

It's heartbreaking, and more that a little frustrating. How can someone get away with violating a court order for years on end, for paying nothing in child support for years on end, and still get visitation, and still get to have his ongoing support set to zero without an official ruling of being disabled (if he was disabled, my wife would get at least some support from his disability).

As the "step dad" I have zero rights here. I'm not allowed to speak with the mediator at court, nor am I allowed to speak to the judge. ...but for 7 years I've been allowed to support, nurture, comfort, play & read books with, and love our little girl. I don't expect we'll ever see a dime of support from him, and frankly I wish he'd just drop off the face of the earth as he has shown no genuine affection for her, he just uses her as a pawn to exert some kind of control over my wife.

What can be done to hold him accountable in the state of California? ...a state which seems to have drawn a line that until he physically, seriously, harms her, he can get away with anything with no recourse whatsoever!!!
 


Silverplum

Senior Member
This is not your business. At best, you're a good STEPdad. We're not here to read your overlong complaint.



What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

My wife's ex is the biological father of our 7yo daughter. They were separated shortly after she became pregnant (he was cheating, and left when he found out they were going to have a baby). I've been helping raise her since she was 6 weeks old.

In that time, he only held a job for about 7 months during our daughter's first year; he's not worked since. He is an alcoholic, and prescription drug abuser who has some medical issues as a direct result. His visitation has been slowly restricted down to 6 hours every other saturday, supervised by his girlfriend (it's a new one every couple years, when the old one gets wise, he finds another no-self esteem woman to mooch off of, otherwise he'd be homeless); this one is a type of officer and she has had him committed as 5150 on multiple occasions.

During his limited visitation, which is ordered to be supervised by his girlfriend, who we don't trust, but it's better than nothing, and his almost nightly phone calls, which by court order we have to allow, he uses his time to fill her head with lies, tries to reiterate to her that I'm "not her daddy" (we've always distinguished myself as Daddy, and him as Dad, since he was out of the picture completely for the first year and a half of her life, and she was already calling me Daddy), he basically uses his time to mess with her head, vs. spending any quality time with her, or asking about her day, etc.. More often than not, his time with her results in her being confused, moody, and acting out of control, leaving us to try to calm her down, and restore a sense of normalcy for her ...it's thoroughly disheartening to see her mood swing after her visits with him.

As for his gaming the system, as I said, he never works. He continuously checks himself into various hospitals between LA & Ventura counties, to secure pain medications, then goes on a bender ...rinse and repeat.

By a standing court order from 5 years ago both parents were to attend co-parenting classes, and all communication was to be done in writing via Family Wizard. My wife instantly took the class, and signed up for family wizard that very night; he has still not complied with any of that court order! He also continues to cancel his visits at the last minute or even after he was scheduled to pick her up, leaving us (again) to try to explain why he won't visit her that day (supposed to be 24 hour notice by court order).

2 years ago he went to court for child support and was granted a "temporary" adjustment to $0 pending a disability hearing he was "trying to get". The judge stated at the time that we would reconvene in one year and a retroactive adjustment would be made based on the findings of his hearing, or be reinstated as-is, if there was no finding. Having heard nothing my wife calls the court and they stated that they "have a doctor's note that he is disabled" and the order stands at $0. This is a guy who goes to Vegas, and rides horses, etc., but he has a doctor's note saying he's too sick to work. On the other hand, just weeks apart from the support hearing, he had petitioned for more custodial time (denied) where he provided a different doctor's note that stated he didn't require supervision for his visitation, as he was perfectly healthy enough to take care of a (then) 6yo child by himself. He has blatantly lied in court, even perjured himself in documents he's filed with the court, yet they just don't care!

Ironically, we've gone to pick her up only to have her answer the door stating that Dad was upstairs in bed, or had been "throwing up all day".

It's heartbreaking, and more that a little frustrating. How can someone get away with violating a court order for years on end, for paying nothing in child support for years on end, and still get visitation, and still get to have his ongoing support set to zero without an official ruling of being disabled (if he was disabled, my wife would get at least some support from his disability).

As the "step dad" I have zero rights here. I'm not allowed to speak with the mediator at court, nor am I allowed to speak to the judge. ...but for 7 years I've been allowed to support, nurture, comfort, play & read books with, and love our little girl. I don't expect we'll ever see a dime of support from him, and frankly I wish he'd just drop off the face of the earth as he has shown no genuine affection for her, he just uses her as a pawn to exert some kind of control over my wife.

What can be done to hold him accountable in the state of California? ...a state which seems to have drawn a line that until he physically, seriously, harms her, he can get away with anything with no recourse whatsoever!!!
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Thank you for that helpful reply. ...very informative!
The reality of things is that unless he is proven to be a serious danger to the health or safety of child, despite supervision, nothing is going to change.

The child would be better served if mom got her into regular counseling to help deal with the overall situation.

Another reality is if dad is really as bad as you believe that he is, eventually death or prison will take him out of the picture. If he is not really that bad then either the child will figure that out on her own, or he might finally grow up some day and be an adequate parent.
 

TheGoodDad

Junior Member
The reality of things is that unless he is proven to be a serious danger to the health or safety of child, despite supervision, nothing is going to change.

The child would be better served if mom got her into regular counseling to help deal with the overall situation.

Another reality is if dad is really as bad as you believe that he is, eventually death or prison will take him out of the picture. If he is not really that bad then either the child will figure that out on her own, or he might finally grow up some day and be an adequate parent.
Thank you. She has been seeing a counselor for some time now.

In short my questions boil down to this:

1. What, if anything, should the state be doing to enforce the long standing court order? If there are no repercussions, what is the point?

2. If the change in support to zero was supposed to be contingent on him being classified as disabled by the state, why would there be no follow up in two years?

We are simply frustrated that the courts don't seem to care, and it costs us $200 every time we want to speak to the mediator about it (you have to arrange a court date).

Again, I really do appreciate the response. Thanks.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Thank you. She has been seeing a counselor for some time now.

In short my questions boil down to this:

1. What, if anything, should the state be doing to enforce the long standing court order? If there are no repercussions, what is the point?

2. If the change in support to zero was supposed to be contingent on him being classified as disabled by the state, why would there be no follow up in two years?

We are simply frustrated that the courts don't seem to care, and it costs us $200 every time we want to speak to the mediator about it (you have to arrange a court date).

Again, I really do appreciate the response. Thanks.

1. The state will do what it feels is appropriate for the individual case. That's it.

2. Do you have any clue how long it can take to be approved for disability? Any clue? Not even a teeny bit?

You need to tread very carefully. You're not Daddy - and if her actual Daddy starts objecting to it, your wife may end up quite unhappy about things.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

My wife's ex is the biological father of our 7yo daughter. They were separated shortly after she became pregnant (he was cheating, and left when he found out they were going to have a baby). I've been helping raise her since she was 6 weeks old.
She is NOT your daughter.
In that time, he only held a job for about 7 months during our daughter's first year;
Still not your daughter.

he's not worked since. He is an alcoholic, and prescription drug abuser who has some medical issues as a direct result. His visitation has been slowly restricted down to 6 hours every other saturday, supervised by his girlfriend (it's a new one every couple years, when the old one gets wise, he finds another no-self esteem woman to mooch off of, otherwise he'd be homeless); this one is a type of officer and she has had him committed as 5150 on multiple occasions.
So? not your business.

During his limited visitation, which is ordered to be supervised by his girlfriend, who we don't trust, but it's better than nothing, and his almost nightly phone calls, which by court order we have to allow, he uses his time to fill her head with lies, tries to reiterate to her that I'm "not her daddy" (we've always distinguished myself as Daddy, and him as Dad, since he was out of the picture completely for the first year and a half of her life, and she was already calling me Daddy),
You are NOT her daddy. You are doing your best to force dad out of the picture however. You should have corrected her and she should call you by your name.
he basically uses his time to mess with her head, vs. spending any quality time with her, or asking about her day, etc.. More often than not, his time with her results in her being confused, moody, and acting out of control, leaving us to try to calm her down, and restore a sense of normalcy for her ...it's thoroughly disheartening to see her mood swing after her visits with him.
I can understand her mood swings since you and her mom are lying to her and misleading her about the fact that you her "daddy" when you aren't.



As for his gaming the system, as I said, he never works. He continuously checks himself into various hospitals between LA & Ventura counties, to secure pain medications, then goes on a bender ...rinse and repeat.
And?

By a standing court order from 5 years ago both parents were to attend co-parenting classes, and all communication was to be done in writing via Family Wizard. My wife instantly took the class, and signed up for family wizard that very night; he has still not complied with any of that court order! He also continues to cancel his visits at the last minute or even after he was scheduled to pick her up, leaving us (again) to try to explain why he won't visit her that day (supposed to be 24 hour notice by court order).
You don't have to do anything. Your wife could file contempt if she so chose.


2 years ago he went to court for child support and was granted a "temporary" adjustment to $0 pending a disability hearing he was "trying to get". The judge stated at the time that we would reconvene in one year and a retroactive adjustment would be made based on the findings of his hearing, or be reinstated as-is, if there was no finding. Having heard nothing my wife calls the court and they stated that they "have a doctor's note that he is disabled" and the order stands at $0. This is a guy who goes to Vegas, and rides horses, etc., but he has a doctor's note saying he's too sick to work. On the other hand, just weeks apart from the support hearing, he had petitioned for more custodial time (denied) where he provided a different doctor's note that stated he didn't require supervision for his visitation, as he was perfectly healthy enough to take care of a (then) 6yo child by himself. He has blatantly lied in court, even perjured himself in documents he's filed with the court, yet they just don't care!
Interesting.
Ironically, we've gone to pick her up only to have her answer the door stating that Dad was upstairs in bed, or had been "throwing up all day".
And yet the girlfriend is there so the child is being supervised.

It's heartbreaking, and more that a little frustrating. How can someone get away with violating a court order for years on end, for paying nothing in child support for years on end, and still get visitation, and still get to have his ongoing support set to zero without an official ruling of being disabled (if he was disabled, my wife would get at least some support from his disability).
Because your wife has done nothing to enforce anything.

As the "step dad" I have zero rights here. I'm not allowed to speak with the mediator at court, nor am I allowed to speak to the judge. ...but for 7 years I've been allowed to support, nurture, comfort, play & read books with, and love our little girl. I don't expect we'll ever see a dime of support from him, and frankly I wish he'd just drop off the face of the earth as he has shown no genuine affection for her, he just uses her as a pawn to exert some kind of control over my wife.
You have zero rights. Your wishes don't count. Your alienation can definitely hurt though. YOU ARE NOT DADDY. You are in the wrong.

What can be done to hold him accountable in the state of California? ...a state which seems to have drawn a line that until he physically, seriously, harms her, he can get away with anything with no recourse whatsoever!!!
You can't do anything. You are no one in this situation. You are engaging in alienation. Your wife needs to enforce her court order by filing a motion to show cause. However expect your wife to be reprimanded if dad brings up the fact that HIS child is calling you daddy.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
1. The state will do what it feels is appropriate for the individual case. That's it.

2. Do you have any clue how long it can take to be approved for disability? Any clue? Not even a teeny bit?

You need to tread very carefully. You're not Daddy - and if her actual Daddy starts objecting to it, your wife may end up quite unhappy about things.
Dad has already objected and tried to correct the child which is part of what is upsetting the child according to OP. It is also part of "messing with the child's head" -- which quite frankly OP and his wife are the ones doing that.
 
The first stage of the Disability claim can take 3-6 months, another 2-3 months for an appeal, and about a year for a Administrative hearing in front of a Judge. These would vary by location. If he gets SSDI there would be back pay and a monthly benefit to his daughter.
 

single317dad

Senior Member
As the "step dad" I have zero rights here. I'm not allowed to speak with the mediator at court, nor am I allowed to speak to the judge. ...but for 7 years I've been allowed to support, nurture, comfort, play & read books with, and love our little girl. I don't expect we'll ever see a dime of support from him, and frankly I wish he'd just drop off the face of the earth as he has shown no genuine affection for her, he just uses her as a pawn to exert some kind of control over my wife.
Welcome to stepparenting!

Continue to be supportive and nurture. Otherwise, keep out of the business of the child's parents. Good luck!
 

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