How do I get a court to order a paternity test on my potential dad as an adult?

[bigheadnick]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ma

I wanst sure which sub forum to post this in but this seemed the closest to my situation. I guess I'll start from the top. A man (we'll call him john/not his name) dated/slept with my mother the summer before I was born as she told me. I was born in April. 9 months back lands in july. She has always denied john as being my father even though my siblings (of different fathers) are all convinced it's him. John used to come around when we were kids to do stuff with us and take us places and hang out with my mom. However my mom was and still is in a ltr with my younger brothers father. I think her reason for denying john as my father is simply out of fear it would screw her relationship with my little brothers father. Heres the thing The guy is a dead ringer for me or me for him i guess. Same facial features and body type as well. I'm 33 now and like him wear glasses and the older i get the more I think i look like him. The problem is he refuses to take a dna test which Ive offered to pay for. I'm not looking for money or anything and I'll sign anything to stipulate it but I cant even get him to talk to me anymore ever since i brought it up.

I think about this every day and I fear I'll never know if it is him. I want to know and I would very much like to know the other half of my family. I have kids of my own now and want them to know the other half of their family. I believe he thinks I'm out for money and I'm not but One way or another I need to find out. If I take the court route they WILL want money I think as we were welfare kids growing up so all that back child support would go right to the state I believe. I'm trying to do this the easy way without involving courts and potentially costing him tens of thousands which I dont want to do but if he refuses I will go that route. My question is if it comes to that, what steps do I take? Ive been talking to my mother and she seems a little warmer to the idea of him possibly being the guy but she still has doubts. Can I force his/her hand to get this test done? And as an aside, Am I wrong for this? I find myself weighing the importance of knowing against the potential cost for him but then I think if he's so convinced he's not the father what does he have to lose by taking a test ive offered to pay for? So i come to the conclusion that if it goes the hard way, he's bringing it upon himself. ANy help, advice and information on how to go forward is greatly appreciated thank you.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ma

I wanst sure which sub forum to post this in but this seemed the closest to my situation. I guess I'll start from the top. A man (we'll call him john/not his name) dated/slept with my mother the summer before I was born as she told me. I was born in April. 9 months back lands in july. She has always denied john as being my father even though my siblings (of different fathers) are all convinced it's him. John used to come around when we were kids to do stuff with us and take us places and hang out with my mom. However my mom was and still is in a ltr with my younger brothers father. I think her reason for denying john as my father is simply out of fear it would screw her relationship with my little brothers father. Heres the thing The guy is a dead ringer for me or me for him i guess. Same facial features and body type as well. I'm 33 now and like him wear glasses and the older i get the more I think i look like him. The problem is he refuses to take a dna test which Ive offered to pay for. I'm not looking for money or anything and I'll sign anything to stipulate it but I cant even get him to talk to me anymore ever since i brought it up.

I think about this every day and I fear I'll never know if it is him. I want to know and I would very much like to know the other half of my family. I have kids of my own now and want them to know the other half of their family. I believe he thinks I'm out for money and I'm not but One way or another I need to find out. If I take the court route they WILL want money I think as we were welfare kids growing up so all that back child support would go right to the state I believe. I'm trying to do this the easy way without involving courts and potentially costing him tens of thousands which I dont want to do but if he refuses I will go that route. My question is if it comes to that, what steps do I take? Ive been talking to my mother and she seems a little warmer to the idea of him possibly being the guy but she still has doubts. Can I force his/her hand to get this test done? And as an aside, Am I wrong for this? I find myself weighing the importance of knowing against the potential cost for him but then I think if he's so convinced he's not the father what does he have to lose by taking a test ive offered to pay for? So i come to the conclusion that if it goes the hard way, he's bringing it upon himself. ANy help, advice and information on how to go forward is greatly appreciated thank you.

You can't. You don't have standing to even bring the issue to court.

And no - if he was never ordered to pay CS, he doesn't owe anyone a dime.

Leave this man alone.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ma

I wanst sure which sub forum to post this in but this seemed the closest to my situation. I guess I'll start from the top. A man (we'll call him john/not his name) dated/slept with my mother the summer before I was born as she told me. I was born in April. 9 months back lands in july. She has always denied john as being my father even though my siblings (of different fathers) are all convinced it's him. John used to come around when we were kids to do stuff with us and take us places and hang out with my mom. However my mom was and still is in a ltr with my younger brothers father. I think her reason for denying john as my father is simply out of fear it would screw her relationship with my little brothers father. Heres the thing The guy is a dead ringer for me or me for him i guess. Same facial features and body type as well. I'm 33 now and like him wear glasses and the older i get the more I think i look like him. The problem is he refuses to take a dna test which Ive offered to pay for. I'm not looking for money or anything and I'll sign anything to stipulate it but I cant even get him to talk to me anymore ever since i brought it up.

I think about this every day and I fear I'll never know if it is him. I want to know and I would very much like to know the other half of my family. I have kids of my own now and want them to know the other half of their family. I believe he thinks I'm out for money and I'm not but One way or another I need to find out. If I take the court route they WILL want money I think as we were welfare kids growing up so all that back child support would go right to the state I believe. I'm trying to do this the easy way without involving courts and potentially costing him tens of thousands which I dont want to do but if he refuses I will go that route. My question is if it comes to that, what steps do I take? Ive been talking to my mother and she seems a little warmer to the idea of him possibly being the guy but she still has doubts. Can I force his/her hand to get this test done? And as an aside, Am I wrong for this? I find myself weighing the importance of knowing against the potential cost for him but then I think if he's so convinced he's not the father what does he have to lose by taking a test ive offered to pay for? So i come to the conclusion that if it goes the hard way, he's bringing it upon himself. ANy help, advice and information on how to go forward is greatly appreciated thank you.

Sorry, but because you are a legal adult it is no longer possible for a court to compel him to do a paternity test. Either you convince him to do it voluntarily, or its not going to happen at all.

 

[bigheadnick]

You can't. You don't have standing to even bring the issue to court.

And no - if he was never ordered to pay CS, he doesn't owe anyone a dime.

Leave this man alone.

So just forget it? Even though I'm convinced he is my father?
You seem to be missing the greater issue here atleast for me and that is that I need to know and I believe I have a right to know. I bring up the child support because I figured thats how it would play out but if thats not the case I guess the only card I have to play is hoping he grows a heart? Based on your response though my guess is you would tall me that knowing who my father is means nothing and that I shouldnt care even if I'm convinced. Well i guess I'm just crazy.

 

[bigheadnick]

Sorry, but because you are a legal adult it is no longer possible for a court to compel him to do a paternity test. Either you convince him to do it voluntarily, or its not going to happen at all.

Ok your response Is better than the other guys so I will ask you. Why is he so standoffish about this if not for fear of having to pay. I see no other reason he wouldnt voluntarily take a test I would pay for.

 

[TheGeekess]

So just forget it? Even though I'm convinced he is my father?
You seem to be missing the greater issue here atleast for me and that is that I need to know and I believe I have a right to know. I bring up the child support because I figured thats how it would play out but if thats not the case I guess the only card I have to play is hoping he grows a heart? Based on your response though my guess is you would tall me that knowing who my father is means nothing and that I shouldnt care even if I'm convinced. Well i guess I'm just crazy.

Time for him to be legally established as your father has passed. A court will not get involved at this point. If you can convince him to take an OTC DNA test, then that's fine.

 

[sandyclaus]

So just forget it? Even though I'm convinced he is my father?
You seem to be missing the greater issue here atleast for me and that is that I need to know and I believe I have a right to know. I bring up the child support because I figured thats how it would play out but if thats not the case I guess the only card I have to play is hoping he grows a heart? Based on your response though my guess is you would tall me that knowing who my father is means nothing and that I shouldnt care even if I'm convinced. Well i guess I'm just crazy.

No one is saying you don't have strong motivation for knowing where you came from. However, there is no LEGAL motivation to compel this man to submit to DNA testing so that you can satisfy your curiosity. Simply put, your need to know (for the benefit of the child) is no longer superior to this man's right to privacy. There is nothing you NEED from him that he is still obligated to provide you since you are an adult now. The legal system is no longer an option to get you what you are looking for.

IF this man truly is your father, then your mother is doing what she feels is best for her by protecting that delicate bit of information. Your desperate need to know ALSO does not outweigh your mother's right to maintain her own privacy as far as this is concerned. Have you considered what damage it could do to HER for such information to be revealed if it is true?

As has been stated, both clearly and succinctly, the only way you can satisfy your raging curiosity is to have this man voluntarily submit to DNA testing to verify whether or not he is your biological father. It may not be fair, but it IS their right to say no here.

 

[Proserpina]

So just forget it? Even though I'm convinced he is my father?
You seem to be missing the greater issue here atleast for me and that is that I need to know and I believe I have a right to know. I bring up the child support because I figured thats how it would play out but if thats not the case I guess the only card I have to play is hoping he grows a heart? Based on your response though my guess is you would tall me that knowing who my father is means nothing and that I shouldnt care even if I'm convinced. Well i guess I'm just crazy.

The person you need to be mad at is your Mom.

Not the alleged father. Not us.

As an adult, you actually don't have any rights in this matter.

Seriously - leave this guy alone. You don't know who is or isn't telling the truth anyway.

 

[LdiJ]

Ok your response Is better than the other guys so I will ask you. Why is he so standoffish about this if not for fear of having to pay. I see no other reason he wouldnt voluntarily take a test I would pay for.

He may very well have some fear of financial issues...even if they are misguided. If he is married and has a family he may have a fear of their reaction...or of his extended family's reaction. There are many emotional issues involved as well as potential fear of financial issues.

Perhaps if you hired an attorney to write him a letter assuring him of your complete silence on the issue unless he is willing to release the information and of his complete lack of financial responsibility he might feel better about the situation.

 

[bigheadnick]

No one is saying you don't have strong motivation for knowing where you came from. However, there is no LEGAL motivation to compel this man to submit to DNA testing so that you can satisfy your curiosity. Simply put, your need to know (for the benefit of the child) is no longer superior to this man's right to privacy. There is nothing you NEED from him that he is still obligated to provide you since you are an adult now. The legal system is no longer an option to get you what you are looking for.

IF this man truly is your father, then your mother is doing what she feels is best for her by protecting that delicate bit of information. Your desperate need to know ALSO does not outweigh your mother's right to maintain her own privacy as far as this is concerned. Have you considered what damage it could do to HER for such information to be revealed if it is true?

As has been stated, both clearly and succinctly, the only way you can satisfy your raging curiosity is to have this man voluntarily submit to DNA testing to verify whether or not he is your biological father. It may not be fair, but it IS their right to say no here.

I wasn't arguing the factual response that I have no legal standing, I can plainly see its a consensus here.I accept that. I just didn't like that little line "leave the man alone" as If Im at his door everyday trying to sell him frikkin timeshares. I place a lot of value on family and cant comprehend why any man would have sex with a woman and 9 months later see a baby pop out and not think it was his kid and furthermore not want it to be his kid. As a father my pride and joy are my sons, period. So Its hard for me to wrap my head around his unwillingness to help me to know. Or he himself not wanting to find out. There are 2 possibilities here that I can see. He is so convinced its not him for whatever reason that he's offended by the mention of it., which seems illogical to me when he acknowledges his history with my mother and even the time frame. Or 2 he is afraid that its him and I thought his fear stemmed from financial reasons. Maybe he's unaware that He wouldnt owe me anything or the state I dont know. BUt the fear makes sense as a reason to be so adamant.

 

[TheGeekess]

I wasn't arguing the factual response that I have no legal standing, I can plainly see its a consensus here.I accept that. I just didn't like that little line "leave the man alone" as If Im at his door everyday trying to sell him frikkin timeshares. I place a lot of value on family and cant comprehend why any man would have sex with a woman and 9 months later see a baby pop out and not think it was his kid and furthermore not want it to be his kid. As a father my pride and joy are my sons, period. So Its hard for me to wrap my head around his unwillingness to help me to know. Or he himself not wanting to find out. There are 2 possibilities here that I can see. He is so convinced its not him for whatever reason that he's offended by the mention of it., which seems illogical to me when he acknowledges his history with my mother and even the time frame. Or 2 he is afraid that its him and I thought his fear stemmed from financial reasons. Maybe he's unaware that He wouldnt owe me anything or the state I dont know. BUt the fear makes sense as a reason to be so adamant.

Alrighty then.

 

[LdiJ]

I wasn't arguing the factual response that I have no legal standing, I can plainly see its a consensus here.I accept that. I just didn't like that little line "leave the man alone" as If Im at his door everyday trying to sell him frikkin timeshares. I place a lot of value on family and cant comprehend why any man would have sex with a woman and 9 months later see a baby pop out and not think it was his kid and furthermore not want it to be his kid. As a father my pride and joy are my sons, period. So Its hard for me to wrap my head around his unwillingness to help me to know. Or he himself not wanting to find out. There are 2 possibilities here that I can see. He is so convinced its not him for whatever reason that he's offended by the mention of it., which seems illogical to me when he acknowledges his history with my mother and even the time frame. Or 2 he is afraid that its him and I thought his fear stemmed from financial reasons. Maybe he's unaware that He wouldnt owe me anything or the state I dont know. BUt the fear makes sense as a reason to be so adamant.

You are not the first adult who "needs to know" with a potential bio-father who refuses to find out, and you won't be the last. This is an all too common scenario. I have a personal friend who was in the same boat that you are in.

If you somehow manage to convince him to cooperate, you also have to be prepared for him to reject you even if it turns out that he is your father. Are you prepared for that?

 

[bigheadnick]

He may very well have some fear of financial issues...even if they are misguided. If he is married and has a family he may have a fear of their reaction...or of his extended family's reaction. There are many emotional issues involved as well as potential fear of financial issues.

Perhaps if you hired an attorney to write him a letter assuring him of your complete silence on the issue unless he is willing to release the information and of his complete lack of financial responsibility he might feel better about the situation.

Well he is married but has no kids unless of course like me theyre just *******s. Your suggestion of a letter is a good one, My brother actually said something similar. I think thats probably my best course of action. As far as I know he is still on good terms with my brother and its funny he's the one he liked to treat like the son he never had but I say "hey you're probably my father" and he wipes his hands of me and wont talk to me long enough for me to finish a sentence. Its kind of ironic.

 

[bigheadnick]

You are not the first adult who "needs to know" with a potential bio-father who refuses to find out, and you won't be the last. This is an all too common scenario. I have a personal friend who was in the same boat that you are in.

If you somehow manage to convince him to cooperate, you also have to be prepared for him to reject you even if it turns out that he is your father. Are you prepared for that?

Absolutely. If it turns out to be him anyway I'm as likely to tell him to pound sand anyway once I find out. I really cant say for sure how I would react but its not just about him or i or our relationship. I would like to know the other half of my family and my kids to know as well.

 

[Proserpina]

I wasn't arguing the factual response that I have no legal standing, I can plainly see its a consensus here.I accept that. I just didn't like that little line "leave the man alone" as If Im at his door everyday trying to sell him frikkin timeshares. I place a lot of value on family and cant comprehend why any man would have sex with a woman and 9 months later see a baby pop out and not think it was his kid and furthermore not want it to be his kid. As a father my pride and joy are my sons, period. So Its hard for me to wrap my head around his unwillingness to help me to know. Or he himself not wanting to find out. There are 2 possibilities here that I can see. He is so convinced its not him for whatever reason that he's offended by the mention of it., which seems illogical to me when he acknowledges his history with my mother and even the time frame. Or 2 he is afraid that its him and I thought his fear stemmed from financial reasons. Maybe he's unaware that He wouldnt owe me anything or the state I dont know. BUt the fear makes sense as a reason to be so adamant.

There is actually a 3rd possibility

Your Mom could be lying. I know, I know, that's not what you want to hear. But it is a possibility regardless.