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I Manage Our Money/He Pays Child Support

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frostyisis

Guest
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? We live in Alaska, my stepdaughter lives in Florida with her mother.

My husband and I married 3 years ago. We are both active duty in the military and make a good amount of money each year. We had our first child together just over a year ago.

When we first got married I knew that he had a daughter from a previous relationship (not marriage) and that he sent money each month. Back then it was only about 400-450 a month. Once we got married it went up to 500 and in the past year we have been sending 550 a month (5,500 dollars this past year) to my 9 year old stepdaughter. We stopped sending the money for the two months out of the year that she comes to stay with us over the summer.

Some background:
My husband is 29 years old I am 21. They broke up right after their baby was born nearly 10 years ago, ever since he has sent money whenever he could and provided for her as best he could. This arrangement has worked overall as the mother and my husband have both agreed they do not want to go to court for custody/support battle. Every time we have decided to send more each month it was our decision not hers (she hasn't been too demanding). Though there have been occasions where she asks for extra. We have had the pleasure of hosting my stepdaughter for 2 month long visits over the past 2 summers. I have documented and know how much "extra" it costs to have another child live with us and pay for her daycare and fun activities and clothes etc. By not sending the $550 for each of those 2 months we had more than enough to take care of her. During the school year she lives with her mother in Miami FL. My stepdaughter's mother is married and unemployed with another 2 year old daughter, a husband and a mother in law all under the same roof. Her husband does work, though I'm not sure what he does.

Ok, well recently we had planned on spending between 200-300 on my stepdaughter's Christmas. Unfortunately she has been misbehaving and lying and was told she was not getting Christmas. So we allocated the money elsewhere, going off of the mother's wishes. However, just a week ago she called asking for "extra" money for a holiday outfit. Normally I wouldn't mind so much sending the extra money, except it IS the holiday season and we were told that she was NOT getting any gifts. I let the mother know that we couldn't afford to send "extra" right then and that she might have to wait till January to buy a new wardrobe for her daughter (as she is growing out of things and needs more than just one outfit). She went on to argue that she never ever asks for extra money and that we should oblige her. My husband was inclined to agree, saying if we are going to be donating to charities anyways, we may as well send some extra to his daughter's mother. In response I said, the money we send each month should cover 50-75% of her food, toiletries, lodging, entertainment, and clothing. We asked the mother how the $550 has been spent and how it has proven to not be enough for the little extra things (like the occasional brand new outfit). She replied that she doesn't track it that way. Pretty much that it gets thrown in a pot like the rest of the household income and spent willy-nilly. So if there was the off month where my stepdaughter didn't need all of the money for 50-75% of her living needs, instead of being set aside it could be spent on her baby sister, or grandma or step dad, who knows?
I want to be sure that we are sending enough money, but how can we know if its not enough if she doesn't even know where its going? She has agreed to do a budget over the next couple months and to try to keep track of it so we can really see if we need to readjust the money.

The stats are as such:
My husband makes $3k-ish a month
We provide her dental for $15 a month on a military plan
We provide her medical for $0 a month on a military plan
My stepdaughter mother makes $0 a month
There is no childcare cost at this time for my stepdaughter

Also consider:
We have our own child that needs full time child care
We are both active duty in the military

Also for those of you who think it is odd that I am the one asking this question instead of my husband the explanation is simple: I manage OUR money, it has always been OUR money since before we were even married. He has always had issues with money (debt, etc) and has always trusted me to take care of all of our bills, investing, debt, savings, etc. Therefore, when it comes to child support, though he is the father and the fiscal responsibility is on him, we are a unit and the managing of ALL of our money (including the nearly $6k a year we spend on his daughter) falls on me.
 


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frostyisis

Guest
Pretty much, my stepdaughter's mother should NEVER have to ask for extra and what we send should ALWAYS be enough... for my stepdaughter, not for everyone. Therefore if we need to up the amount I am more than happy to, as long as we know it is for my stepdaughter and not everyone else under that roof. They are not a charity house.
 
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momofrose

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? We live in Alaska, my stepdaughter lives in Florida with her mother.

My husband and I married 3 years ago. We are both active duty in the military and make a good amount of money each year. We had our first child together just over a year ago.

When we first got married I knew that he had a daughter from a previous relationship (not marriage) and that he sent money each month. Back then it was only about 400-450 a month. Once we got married it went up to 500 and in the past year we have been sending 550 a month (5,500 dollars this past year) to my 9 year old stepdaughter. We stopped sending the money for the two months out of the year that she comes to stay with us over the summer.

Increases in child support should be expected as inflation and cost of living goes up.

Some background:
My husband is 29 years old I am 21. They broke up right after their baby was born nearly 10 years ago, ever since he has sent money whenever he could and provided for her as best he could.

Sounds like a saint...he should be sending money on a regular basis not whenever he could - the child needs to eat and live in a home every day - not just whenever she can


This arrangement has worked overall as the mother and my husband have both agreed they do not want to go to court for custody/support battle.

They need to get to court for court ordered support and visitation times - it does not have to be a battle if both parties go in with an agreement in place. It is really very stupid on both parts to not have a court ordered ruling on visitation and child support amounts.


Every time we have decided to send more each month it was our decision not hers (she hasn't been too demanding). Though there have been occasions where she asks for extra. We have had the pleasure of hosting my stepdaughter for 2 month long visits over the past 2 summers. I have documented and know how much "extra" it costs to have another child live with us and pay for her daycare and fun activities and clothes etc. By not sending the $550 for each of those 2 months we had more than enough to take care of her. During the school year she lives with her mother in Miami FL. My stepdaughter's mother is married and unemployed with another 2 year old daughter, a husband and a mother in law all under the same roof. Her husband does work, though I'm not sure what he does.

None of this has anything to do with anything you are inquiring about

Ok, well recently we had planned on spending between 200-300 on my stepdaughter's Christmas. Unfortunately she has been misbehaving and lying and was told she was not getting Christmas.

So we allocated the money elsewhere, going off of the mother's wishes. However, just a week ago she called asking for "extra" money for a holiday outfit. Normally I wouldn't mind so much sending the extra money, except it IS the holiday season and we were told that she was NOT getting any gifts. I let the mother know that we couldn't afford to send "extra" right then and that she might have to wait till January to buy a new wardrobe for her daughter (as she is growing out of things and needs more than just one outfit). She went on to argue that she never ever asks for extra money and that we should oblige her. My husband was inclined to agree, saying if we are going to be donating to charities anyways, we may as well send some extra to his daughter's mother. In response I said, the money we send each month should cover 50-75% of her food, toiletries, lodging, entertainment, and clothing. We asked the mother how the $550 has been spent and how it has proven to not be enough for the little extra things (like the occasional brand new outfit). She replied that she doesn't track it that way.

She is right - she has no obligation to tell you where the money goes - how dare you!!! Do you honestly think $550.00 supports a teenage girl with housing, food, heat, utlities, clothes and school???

Pretty much that it gets thrown in a pot like the rest of the household income and spent willy-nilly.

You mean on rent, food, school, utilities, after school functions - all that sort of "willy nilly" stuuf?

So if there was the off month where my stepdaughter didn't need all of the money for 50-75% of her living needs, instead of being set aside it could be spent on her baby sister, or grandma or step dad, who knows?


Ahhh - so therein is the issue - you want the money for YOUR child. Sorry honey - your prince charming had a baby before you and your baby takes not one bit of importance away from her just cause you decided to breed.

I want to be sure that we are sending enough money, but how can we know if its not enough if she doesn't even know where its going? She has agreed to do a budget over the next couple months and to try to keep track of it so we can really see if we need to readjust the money.


Go to a lawyer to have him/her figure it out - this does not take a rocket scientist


The stats are as such:
My husband makes $3k-ish a month
We provide her dental for $15 a month on a military plan
We provide her medical for $0 a month on a military plan
My stepdaughter mother makes $0 a month
There is no childcare cost at this time for my stepdaughter

Also consider:
We have our own child that needs full time child care
We are both active duty in the military

Also for those of you who think it is odd that I am the one asking this question instead of my husband the explanation is simple: I manage OUR money, it has always been OUR money since before we were even married. He has always had issues with money (debt, etc) and has always trusted me to take care of all of our bills, investing, debt, savings, etc. Therefore, when it comes to child support, though he is the father and the fiscal responsibility is on him, we are a unit and the managing of ALL of our money (including the nearly $6k a year we spend on his daughter) falls on me.

it comes through loud and clear that you think 6K is an enormous anount to send to raise a child - honey it is clear you are only 21 - you are a child who had a child - you have no idea how much it costs to raise a child - but you will soon find out when your's get a bit older.



Tell hubby to see a lawyer to have child support calculations done - this protects himself as well as the child. -
 
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frostyisis

Guest
"Increases in child support should be expected as inflation and cost of living goes up."

Therefore we increased the amount. No argument here.

"Sounds like a saint...he should be sending money on a regular basis not whenever he could - the child needs to eat and live in a home every day - not just whenever she can."

He is pretty close. The fact was the she was happy with the agreement. He provided for her well enough that his daughter's mother was able to provide a nice and steady home for her child. He has ALWAYS sent money, when I say whenever he could I mean sometimes it was on a weekly basis, sometimes it was monthly, sometimes biweekly. But whenever he could does not mean there were long periods of time when there was no money sent.

"They need to get to court for court ordered support and visitation times - it does not have to be a battle if both parties go in with an agreement in place. It is really very stupid on both parts to not have a court ordered ruling on visitation and child support amounts."

I will not go so far as to call my husband stupid, however I do agree that it is a wise idea to go to court, what if somone were to die... or deploy... etc. However, going to court is not my decision at all.

"None of this has anything to do with anything you are inquiring about"

It has a lot to do with what I am inquiring about as I believe FL state law calculates child support based on both parents incomes. And I know in some cases they count the spouses incomes as well.

"She is right - she has no obligation to tell you where the money goes - how dare you!!! Do you honestly think $550.00 supports a teenage girl with housing, food, heat, utlities, clothes and school???"

Is it not a parent's right to know that the money sent for his daughter is being spent on his daughter and not his daughter's stepfather or grandma or half sister? I do honestly believe that definitely covers 50-75% of the aforementioned needs. She does not currently go to a private school, therefore "free". Considering that there are 5 people under one roof, it would cover 1/5 of the rent/utilities/heat. I know how many groceries it takes to feed this child (as I have fed her over the past two summers) and the monthly support we send covers 50-75% of that as well. With money left over for supplies/clothes/toiletries and entertainment. I do understand that some people don't budget as well as I though.

"You mean on rent, food, school, utilities, after school functions - all that sort of "willy nilly" stuuf?"

I mean, if you don't budget properly, your money is bound to go willy nilly whether you notice it or not.

"Ahhh - so therein is the issue - you want the money for YOUR child. Sorry honey - your prince charming had a baby before you and your baby takes not one bit of importance away from her just cause you decided to breed."

You completely misunderstood me here. When I said baby sister, I meant by her mother, not by me. I don't want her mother spending money we send for my stepdaughter to be spent on her half sister (that lives with her). I know, obviously, that my darling husband had a baby before me and I obviously do not put any importance above her when it comes to money. Hence me trying to figure out how much is reasonable.

"Go to a lawyer to have him/her figure it out - this does not take a rocket scientist."

I would love to go to a lawyer, I have set up a couple meetings for my husband, he's just not ready, neither is his ex, to go down the "court" road.

"It comes through loud and clear that you think 6K is an enormous anount to send to raise a child - honey it is clear you are only 21 - you are a child who had a child - you have no idea how much it costs to raise a child - but you will soon find out when your's get a bit older."

I am glad that comes through loud and clear, the cost of raising a child is ridiculously high. I know this because while I was pregnant with my own child we saved up enough money for the entire first year's expenses (a budget I created and made and stuck to). We did not have to spend a penny of our income on my child's first year of life because we had planned and budgeted so well. I know how far $6k can stretch for a child. Diapers will soon be replaced by different acitivies, wipes for cell phone bills, etc etc. I understand budgeting and how much things cost, which is why I manage our money. And why we have no debt. at all.

"Tell hubby to see a lawyer to have child support calculations done - this protects himself as well as the child."

I will definitely pass this along, unfortunately I doubt they will want to have child support calculations done by a lawyer (they don't like courts or lawyers). Which is why I am here seeking advice. Not judgement. Thank you for that last line of actual advice.
 
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CSO286

Senior Member
Please read the sticky at the top of the Family Law/Child Custody and Visitaiton Forum.

Purpose of Child Support:

To REIMBURSE the custodial parent for the expenses of the child. This includes food, clothing, shelter, school fees, utilities, transportation, misc expenses and a myriad of other child related items.

As long as the child has a roof over her head, food in her tummy, and clothes on her back, the custodial parent doesn't need to account for one red cent of how the child support is spent (Barring a court order, of course).


If your husband is not ready to/willing to take the trouble of going through the courts, then this is none of your business. Actually, it really is none of your business at all.
 
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frostyisis

Guest
Please read the sticky at the top of the Family Law/Child Custody and Visitaiton Forum.

Purpose of Child Support:

To REIMBURSE the custodial parent for the expenses of the child. This includes food, clothing, shelter, school fees, utilities, transportation, misc expenses and a myriad of other child related items.

As long as the child has a roof over her head, food in her tummy, and clothes on her back, the custodial parent doesn't need to account for one red cent of how the child support is spent (Barring a court order, of course).


If your husband is not ready to/willing to take the trouble of going through the courts, then this is none of your business. Actually, it really is none of your business at all.
The way my husband explains that this is my business is:

If your spouse were to invest or spend nearly $6-7k a year on something, would you not consider that your business, as it comes from your household income? Assuming of course, the fact that as a married couple you share income (as we do) and you work and live as a unit (as one).

What you first said is very good to know. But how do we then know that we are sending enough? This child has ALWAYS been fed, clothed, roof over her head, happy. But we haven't always sent as much as we send now.
 

CSO286

Senior Member
The way my husband explains that this is my business is:

If your spouse were to invest or spend nearly $6-7k a year on something, would you not consider that your business, as it comes from your household income? Assuming of course, the fact that as a married couple you share income (as we do) and you work and live as a unit (as one).

What you first said is very good to know. But how do we then know that we are sending enough? This child has ALWAYS been fed, clothed, roof over her head, happy. But we haven't always sent as much as we send now.
Frankly, if Hubby is not sure that ENOUGH is sent, then send more. Better to send too much than not enough. And if Hubby wants to know how much enough is--then hubby needs to go to court and get a child support order established. If he wants to send more than what CSED recommends, he can always do that.



You are here on a legal advice forum. and what I provided to you is legal advice in regard to your situation. Legally, this is none of your business. You are not a part in the case, and my advice is how this kind of situation is viewed by the courts.



This is the legal reality you and your Dear Husband are in.
 
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frylover

Senior Member
How does HE know if HE is sending enough? Go to court and have support calcuated and ordered by the court.

But a few things:

When all is said and done, he may pay MORE than the amount you have decided is sufficient to support his child...and the judge is not going to be interested in your Excel spreadsheet showing what you think his support obligation should be.

Mom will not be required to inform dad how the money is spent.

Dad will not be allowed to just arbitrarily decide not to send support when kiddo is with him.

And yes, if your husband decides tomorrow he wants to buy a llama farm, you might have some say-so. But his child, and therefore his obligation to support her, came before your marriage, so it's really his business to handle it, with his ex. If, for whatever reason, they insist on not getting their agreemsnt firmed up in court, THEY should discuss it and THEY should make the decisions about THEIR child.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
How does HE know if HE is sending enough? Go to court and have support calcuated and ordered by the court.

But a few things:

When all is said and done, he may pay MORE than the amount you have decided is sufficient to support his child...and the judge is not going to be interested in your Excel spreadsheet showing what you think his support obligation should be.

Mom will not be required to inform dad how the money is spent.

Dad will not be allowed to just arbitrarily decide not to send support when kiddo is with him.

And yes, if your husband decides tomorrow he wants to buy a llama farm, you might have some say-so. But his child, and therefore his obligation to support her, came before your marriage, so it's really his business to handle it, with his ex. If, for whatever reason, they insist on not getting their agreemsnt firmed up in court, THEY should discuss it and THEY should make the decisions about THEIR child.
I want to give extra emphasis to the bolded items.

A court will never require mom to explain how the child support money is spent, and a judge would be highly irritated with dad if he even tried to make a motion for such. What's more, dad would get a serious bootkicking from the judge if the judge ever found out that YOU questioned mom as to how the child support was spent. The judge will not care that you feel that you need to know because you are the one managing your family money. Its legally none of your business at all.

With a court order they take parenting time into consideration in the whole calculation for the year, which is them divided monthly and is still paid during any extended time the child spends with the NCP. Therefore once there is a court order your husband will not be permitted to not pay during the two summer months the child is with him, because he will be receiving credit throughout the whole 12 months of the year.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
AND if I remember correctly, my stepdad was paying $500 a month year round back in 1992. Also on the military, also in Alaska (it was pretty out there).
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
The way my husband explains that this is my business is:

If your spouse were to invest or spend nearly $6-7k a year on something, would you not consider that your business, as it comes from your household income? Assuming of course, the fact that as a married couple you share income (as we do) and you work and live as a unit (as one).

What you first said is very good to know. But how do we then know that we are sending enough? This child has ALWAYS been fed, clothed, roof over her head, happy. But we haven't always sent as much as we send now.
If you had sex with the ex causing her to become pregnant then it is your business. If you did not impregnate her, then it is not your business. Seriously, unless you participated in the act, you didn't participate in the investment so back off.
 
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frostyisis

Guest
If you had sex with the ex causing her to become pregnant then it is your business. If you did not impregnate her, then it is not your business. Seriously, unless you participated in the act, you didn't participate in the investment so back off.
Unnecessary, seriously. Though oddly enough I have asked those questions. But still unnecessary. All of the debt he had from before we got married became mine, his daughter became my stepdaughter, his bills my bills, his worries, my worries, his investments became my investments. Legally maybe not and I see that. But essentially yes.
 
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Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Unnecessary, seriously. Though oddly enough I have asked those questions. But still unnecessary. All of the debt he had from before we got married became mine, his daughter became my stepdaughter, his bills my bills, his worries, my worries, his investments became my investments. Legally maybe not and I see that. But essentially yes.
NOpe. Not unnecessary. And you seriously asked him how he had sex with her to impregnate her? REALLY? You still weren't there and you still have nothing to do with the "investment" he made by impregnating the ex.
His debt DID NOT become yours when you got married unless you cosigned on all of it. His daughter is your stepdaughter but you are still a legal stranger.
His investments did NOT become your investments and his bills did not magically become your bills. Sorry but not. You may have a marital interest in them but they are NOT yours.

Just to let you know.
 
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frostyisis

Guest
NOpe. Not unnecessary. And you seriously asked him how he had sex with her to impregnate her? REALLY? You still weren't there and you still have nothing to do with the "investment" he made by impregnating the ex.
His debt DID NOT become yours when you got married unless you cosigned on all of it. His daughter is your stepdaughter but you are still a legal stranger.
His investments did NOT become your investments and his bills did not magically become your bills. Sorry but not. You may have a marital interest in them but they are NOT yours.

Just to let you know.
I agree none of these things are "mine" bad choice of words. They are all OURS. We are both signed onto everything TOGETHER. Accounts, bills, everything and it has always been that way since even before we got married. With the case of his daughter, as I said, legally perhaps I do not have any business to discuss the child support issue, but essntially it is his choice to have me deal with all of our money matters, including the matter of his daughter's child support. I don't think how the act happened matters, though yes I did really ask about all of his previous relationships, including sexual details.
 
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