Legal responsibilities after 17 years

[lewispt6]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Idaho
17 years ago I knew I got my girlfriend pregnant. She took off before the baby was born and moved out of state. I tried to fight and get custody/visitation, but I was shut down because she stated that I was not the father. She then married someone else before the baby was born and put his name on the birth certificate. 17 years later, shes getting a divorce, he doesn't want to pay child support on a child that isn't his, and they came clean and I was finally introduced to my son last week. He now hates the man he thought was his father, wants to change his last name to mine, and wants to move in with me when his mother moves out of town again next month. My name is not on the birth certificate and although she stated verbally she doesn't want child support or anything else other than for her son and I to try and catch up on 17 years, my wife of 15 years is skeptical. She is concerned that she will attack us with child support, and medical bills and so on. The ex has agreed to sign papers declaring she wont come after us. We cant afford a lawyer, and we know some things can be done with out a lawyer. If we were to draw up our own contract and have it signed in front of a notary, what should it say? What specifics should we cover? Can we have it filed with the court? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[TigerD]

You can't afford to not talk to a lawyer.

TD

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Idaho
17 years ago I knew I got my girlfriend pregnant. She took off before the baby was born and moved out of state. I tried to fight and get custody/visitation, but I was shut down because she stated that I was not the father. She then married someone else before the baby was born and put his name on the birth certificate. 17 years later, shes getting a divorce, he doesn't want to pay child support on a child that isn't his, and they came clean and I was finally introduced to my son last week. He now hates the man he thought was his father, wants to change his last name to mine, and wants to move in with me when his mother moves out of town again next month. My name is not on the birth certificate and although she stated verbally she doesn't want child support or anything else other than for her son and I to try and catch up on 17 years, my wife of 15 years is skeptical. She is concerned that she will attack us with child support, and medical bills and so on. The ex has agreed to sign papers declaring she wont come after us. We cant afford a lawyer, and we know some things can be done with out a lawyer. If we were to draw up our own contract and have it signed in front of a notary, what should it say? What specifics should we cover? Can we have it filed with the court? Any advice would be appreciated.

The legal father is the only person other than Mom who is financially responsible for this teen.

Signed papers are completely worthless. You don't owe her anything to begin with - why are you offering to pay? The court isn't going to disestablish paternity at this late stage, so why the perceived threat?

Again, you're not the father and the court is not going to get Dad off the birth certificate and add your name. Not. Going. To. Happen.

 

[lewispt6]

I guess I shlould have said more.

The legal father is the only person other than Mom who is financially responsible for this teen.

Signed papers are completely worthless. You don't owe her anything to begin with - why are you offering to pay? The court isn't going to disestablish paternity at this late stage, so why the perceived threat?

Again, you're not the father and the court is not going to get Dad off the birth certificate and add your name. Not. Going. To. Happen.

I am not sure what I can do, but I do know that the reason I was introduced to my son after 17 years is because the father listed is contesting child support. I guess he knew the entire time, but he is claiming in the divorce that he was duped by her, she tricked him into believing he was his son, and is somehow getting away with not paying child support on him, which is why my wife believes that by removing his name off the birth certificate, leaving an open spot, and the fact shes on welfare, they will go after someone when they can. I should also mention that the main reason she fears this is because we had the name of our oldest child's biological father removed from her birth certificate and I adopted her, putting my name on there. It was easy for us to do. This is the same but backwards. I was told by the judge at the adoption hearing that in the case of a divorce or separation I was responsible for my daughter, which I accepted. In this case, where the ex husband claims he was tricked, and the kid has had extensive medical issues, I just want to make sure that by allowing this child to take my name (last name), that I did attempt to be a part of the childs life earlier on but was blocked, that a judge or the mother cant saddle me with something that I had no control over. Its bad enough that the mother has five other children with this other man, and he is now asking for reimbursement of the last 17 years, my wifes other fear is him taking us to court to reimburse him. This is America after all and we can sue anyone for anything.

 

[Proserpina]

I am not sure what I can do, but I do know that the reason I was introduced to my son after 17 years is because the father listed is contesting child support. I guess he knew the entire time, but he is claiming in the divorce that he was duped by her, she tricked him into believing he was his son, and is somehow getting away with not paying child support on him, which is why my wife believes that by removing his name off the birth certificate, leaving an open spot, and the fact shes on welfare, they will go after someone when they can. I should also mention that the main reason she fears this is because we had the name of our oldest child's biological father removed from her birth certificate and I adopted her, putting my name on there. It was easy for us to do. This is the same but backwards. I was told by the judge at the adoption hearing that in the case of a divorce or separation I was responsible for my daughter, which I accepted. In this case, where the ex husband claims he was tricked, and the kid has had extensive medical issues, I just want to make sure that by allowing this child to take my name (last name), that I did attempt to be a part of the childs life earlier on but was blocked, that a judge or the mother cant saddle me with something that I had no control over. Its bad enough that the mother has five other children with this other man, and he is now asking for reimbursement of the last 17 years, my wifes other fear is him taking us to court to reimburse him. This is America after all and we can sue anyone for anything.

The daughter you mention is the child of you and your wife, yes? And not your ex and her husband? You weren't exactly clear there.

Next question: Have you actually seen copies of what your ex has filed in court?

 

[RRevak]

And third: Are you 100% sure this kid is even yours? As in, DNA test sure?

 

[lewispt6]

Sorry for not being clear.

The daughter you mention is the child of you and your wife, yes? And not your ex and her husband? You weren't exactly clear there.

Next question: Have you actually seen copies of what your ex has filed in court?

Yes the second child I mentioned is a child belonging to my wife and I. No I have not seen the court papers, only hearing second hand from both her, the other child (son), and the sister of the ex girlfriend (maternal aunt of son).

 

[single317dad]

I am not sure what I can do, but I do know that the reason I was introduced to my son after 17 years is because the father listed is contesting child support. I guess he knew the entire time, but he is claiming in the divorce that he was duped by her, she tricked him into believing he was his son, and is somehow getting away with not paying child support on him, which is why my wife believes that by removing his name off the birth certificate, leaving an open spot, and the fact shes on welfare, they will go after someone when they can. I should also mention that the main reason she fears this is because we had the name of our oldest child's biological father removed from her birth certificate and I adopted her, putting my name on there. It was easy for us to do. This is the same but backwards. I was told by the judge at the adoption hearing that in the case of a divorce or separation I was responsible for my daughter, which I accepted. In this case, where the ex husband claims he was tricked, and the kid has had extensive medical issues, I just want to make sure that by allowing this child to take my name (last name), that I did attempt to be a part of the childs life earlier on but was blocked, that a judge or the mother cant saddle me with something that I had no control over. Its bad enough that the mother has five other children with this other man, and he is now asking for reimbursement of the last 17 years, my wifes other fear is him taking us to court to reimburse him. This is America after all and we can sue anyone for anything.

Most of these things you should not be worried about. The one wild card, IMO, is the Mom being on welfare. The State might pursue some reimbursement from anyone they can get their hands on. How long Mom receives benefits and the exact age of the child when/if her stbx does manage to disestablish paternity would be relevant.

If I were you, I wouldn't be in any hurry to change anything right now. Every day that goes by is another day you're not responsible for. Given that, you're still getting to spend some time with the child and begin to establish a relationship with him. As was suggested, I would want to find out 100% for sure that this was or was not my child before getting too involved.

As far as the kid moving in with you, hating his legal father, etc., that's a lot of teen melodrama and you'd do well not to feed it.

 

[Proserpina]

Yes the second child I mentioned is a child belonging to my wife and I. No I have not seen the court papers, only hearing second hand from both her, the other child (son), and the sister of the ex girlfriend (maternal aunt of son).

Then I strongly suggest you do NOTHING. Cut off contact. She's either flat out lying or completely inept. You can decide which.

If you want a quick run-down, here's how it goes.

1. They file for a divorce.
2. There is a 17 year minor. The minor is a child of the marriage.

Next part:

3. Dad decides that he doesn't want to be Dad any more and files a motion to disestablish paternity, requesting a DNA test. He is also requesting reimbursement of monies paid. This can take several months.

Now for the court.

4. The court must make a decision here. Will they allow a paternity test 17 years after the fact when the father in question was a willing participant? I'd say the chances are less than the chances I'll become President next year.
5. Dad wants to be reimbursed for... what, exactly? He's not going to be reimbursed.

Finally - I think someone is lying their backside off.

Why? Because what they're telling you is a bucket of garbage so huge it's unfathomable.

Out of interest, what did they tell you would happen?

 

[LdiJ]

Then I strongly suggest you do NOTHING. Cut off contact. She's either flat out lying or completely inept. You can decide which.

If you want a quick run-down, here's how it goes.

1. They file for a divorce.
2. There is a 17 year minor. The minor is a child of the marriage.

Next part:

3. Dad decides that he doesn't want to be Dad any more and files a motion to disestablish paternity, requesting a DNA test. He is also requesting reimbursement of monies paid. This can take several months.

Now for the court.

4. The court must make a decision here. Will they allow a paternity test 17 years after the fact when the father in question was a willing participant? I'd say the chances are less than the chances I'll become President next year.
5. Dad wants to be reimbursed for... what, exactly? He's not going to be reimbursed.

Finally - I think someone is lying their backside off.

Why? Because what they're telling you is a bucket of garbage so huge it's unfathomable.

Out of interest, what did they tell you would happen?

Its his wife that has him so worried about financial issues. I do not think she is lying, I just think she is misinformed.

I do think its highly unlikely that legal dad is going to get paternity disestablished...and how little it would help him considering that there are 5 other children born of that marriage that he will be responsible to support.

However, even if all parties thoroughly cooperated in the process (mom, legal dad, bio dad and son) its unlikely that it would all happen before the child turns 18.

 

[Proserpina]

Its his wife that has him so worried about financial issues. I do not think she is lying, I just think she is misinformed.

I do think its highly unlikely that legal dad is going to get paternity disestablished...and how little it would help him considering that there are 5 other children born of that marriage that he will be responsible to support.

However, even if all parties thoroughly cooperated in the process (mom, legal dad, bio dad and son) its unlikely that it would all happen before the child turns 18.

I was referring to this:

17 years ago I knew I got my girlfriend pregnant. She took off before the baby was born and moved out of state. I tried to fight and get custody/visitation, but I was shut down because she stated that I was not the father. She then married someone else before the baby was born and put his name on the birth certificate. 17 years later, shes getting a divorce, he doesn't want to pay child support on a child that isn't his, and they came clean and I was finally introduced to my son last week. He now hates the man he thought was his father, wants to change his last name to mine, and wants to move in with me when his mother moves out of town again next month. My name is not on the birth certificate and although she stated verbally she doesn't want child support...

I think OP's wife is the best possible advocate - she obviously smells a rat, too.

 

[LdiJ]

I was referring to this:



I think OP's wife is the best possible advocate - she obviously smells a rat, too.

I dunno...I would be surprised if the 17 year old did NOT hate legal dad at this point. There would be almost no way to keep it from him that his "dad" doesn't want to be his dad anymore. It also does not surprise me that after finding out that "dad" is not his biological father that he would want to know his biological dad. I also does not surprise me that he wants his last name changed. It would also not surprise me that he would also be angry with his mother and not want to move out of the area and would see living with this new "dad" as greener grass. The poor kid is probably a big mess of hot anger and hurt right now.

Now, after all the hurt and anger dies down the 17 year old might feel differently...but I can believe he feels that way now.

I also can believe that mom would see bio-dad as someone who could help restore her son's self esteem after being dumped by "dad"...and her encouraging a relationship for that reason. If mom is relatively smart I could also see he realizing that trying to forcibly establish paternity and child support at this point would cost her more than she could ever recoup in actual child support...if she could even get anything ordered before the child aged out.

I would be more suspicious of things if the child was younger.