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Mother Keeping Child, Birth Father wants to be excluded

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S

Solveig

Guest
What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?:confused: North Carolina

Hi, I'm new to this forum and hope y'all will redirect me if I'm posting this in an inappropriate spot. I am 10 weeks pregnant. The father is an old boyfriend of mine from college, after many years of random Christmas cards (we parted amicably going to live in different cities many years ago) --we saw each other in July at a weekend-long wedding, we are both single (he has never married, I am widowed), we rekindled the flame (poor judgement, I know, please don't judge) and even though we were careful, I am now pregnant. It took me a few weeks to tell him, but I did this week. He lives out of my state (has three homes, all over the eastern coast) At first he was supportive of my decision to have the child, I'd very much like to have the baby, he'd prefer that it be placed in adoption, but said (at first) that he'd contribute financially but was not in an "emotional" place to have a child.

After this first conversation, I let myself stand still and figure things out. However, this morning he called while I was out and left a voice mail that he thinks I'm making a mistake having the baby and if I choose to keep it, he wanted no part of it -- his exact words are "we are two different people, and I don't want any sort of relationship with you or the child."

That was it. I realize this is early on, and I hate fighting with anyone, much less someone whom I feel is behaving recklessly.

I'm financially in a good place, am 38, widowed, have a ten year old daughter and am retired, I have the time and resources to offer a good home. I feel the father is flattering himself that I would *want* a relationship with him after these comments, but that's another song all together.

That's background for you: my concern lies with the child and if he/she ever wants to know their dad. I feel his name should be on their birth certificate (and he obviously doesn't care whether the child has his last name, etc.)

Do I just leave him alone and let his ego back over his karma with this decision to not participate or contribute? Is there a legal path I need to follow, should I have him terminate his rights?

I realize this isn't the most savory of circumstances but really appreciate any help or insight available. Thanks!
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
Solveig said:
What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?:confused: North Carolina

Hi, I'm new to this forum and hope y'all will redirect me if I'm posting this in an inappropriate spot. I am 10 weeks pregnant. The father is an old boyfriend of mine from college, after many years of random Christmas cards (we parted amicably going to live in different cities many years ago) --we saw each other in July at a weekend-long wedding, we are both single (he has never married, I am widowed), we rekindled the flame (poor judgement, I know, please don't judge) and even though we were careful, I am now pregnant. It took me a few weeks to tell him, but I did this week. He lives out of my state (has three homes, all over the eastern coast) At first he was supportive of my decision to have the child, I'd very much like to have the baby, he'd prefer that it be placed in adoption, but said (at first) that he'd contribute financially but was not in an "emotional" place to have a child.

After this first conversation, I let myself stand still and figure things out. However, this morning he called while I was out and left a voice mail that he thinks I'm making a mistake having the baby and if I choose to keep it, he wanted no part of it -- his exact words are "we are two different people, and I don't want any sort of relationship with you or the child."

That was it. I realize this is early on, and I hate fighting with anyone, much less someone whom I feel is behaving recklessly.

I'm financially in a good place, am 38, widowed, have a ten year old daughter and am retired, I have the time and resources to offer a good home. I feel the father is flattering himself that I would *want* a relationship with him after these comments, but that's another song all together.

That's background for you: my concern lies with the child and if he/she ever wants to know their dad. I feel his name should be on their birth certificate (and he obviously doesn't care whether the child has his last name, etc.)

Do I just leave him alone and let his ego back over his karma with this decision to not participate or contribute? Is there a legal path I need to follow, should I have him terminate his rights?

I realize this isn't the most savory of circumstances but really appreciate any help or insight available. Thanks!
Having him terminate his rights is probably not the way that you would want to go on this. You are financially sound enough that a judge might be willing to allow it (normally they won't unless there is a stepparent who is willing to adopt and take over the legal responsibilities) however some day he may realize that he has made a mistake, and may choose to be involved with his child.

He is probably pretty freaked out at the moment. He also may have some concern for his wallet.

I would recommend just leaving him alone for now. Relax and let your pregnancy be as stress free as possible, and worry about the future in the future.
 
M

Missychelle26

Guest
First off I am no expert this is just what I know from paying attention to other posts and so on. Right now you can not do anything. After the baby is born paternity would have to be established. In most states if not all the father would have to sign for his name to be on the birth certicate. You can use whatever last name you wish however. After paternity is established you can go after him for child support if you file for it. It doesnt matter if he wants to help or not it is his responsibility. BUT beware if you do go after for child support he may decide to fight for visitation rights to get back at you. If you think he will be a good father then you shouldnt have a problem with that. Even if he never chooses to see the child though he cant decide that he just doesnt want to pay child support. But you have to get it set through the courts. As for him terminating his rights even if both parties are agreeable normally the courts want someone else to step in such as a step father willing to adopt. If every man could just give up his rights so he didnt have to pay child support it would happen in most cases. It is not that simple to terminate rights. I hope some of this helps and good luck for now though enjoy the pregnancy and the little life growing inside you dont let any thing take away from that happiness
 
S

Solveig

Guest
Thanks, y'all. Granted, I'm a little freaked out too! His message sounded so angry it left me feeling I should just never ever be in contact with him again. While I can't fathom anyone just abandoning their offspring, I see now that it is indeed a real idea. I'll try to get my head around that. I've been reading a bit around the threads, and it looks like unless he signs the birth certificate and/or I request DNA/paternity, that I might be the sole parent? And if in the future the child would like to find/meet their father something similar. It's funny how far apart the heart (of the father in this case) is from legal reality.

I will take your advice of simply standing still and taking care of myself and my daughter for now.
 

VeronicaGia

Senior Member
Solveig said:
Thanks, y'all. Granted, I'm a little freaked out too! His message sounded so angry it left me feeling I should just never ever be in contact with him again. While I can't fathom anyone just abandoning their offspring, I see now that it is indeed a real idea. I'll try to get my head around that. I've been reading a bit around the threads, and it looks like unless he signs the birth certificate and/or I request DNA/paternity, that I might be the sole parent? And if in the future the child would like to find/meet their father something similar. It's funny how far apart the heart (of the father in this case) is from legal reality.

I will take your advice of simply standing still and taking care of myself and my daughter for now.
Yes, until he establishes paternity by taking a court ordered DNA test, signing the birth certificate or signing an acknowledgement of paternity, he has no rights to visitation and no obligation to pay support.
 

Grace_Adler

Senior Member
As far as naming him on the birth certificate, you can do that in this state. There is nowhere on the birth certificate for the father to sign. In fact,the actual Birth Certificate doesn't have the mother's or father's signature. The only signing that is done is by the mother on the application for the birth certificate.

Second in this state, there is no adoption required to terminate parental rights and it is not done by a judge, it's done by the Clerk of Court.

Third, once parental rights are terminated, he is under no obligation to pay future support.

Fourth, it does have to be shown it is in the child's best interest and there has to be like a year of no support OR 6 months no contact prior to filing the petition. There are other reasons it can also be filed under.

It's really up to you. If you get a paternity test done, he can file for visitation and custody. Although, he probably won't get custody or at least full custody if he doesn't have anything to do with the child initially, provided you're a fit parent.

Until he establishes paternity, he has no rights to the child.

Once paternity is established, both of you have equal rights to the child so always keep in mind, if the child left for visitation and he didn't bring the child back, there is really not much you can do except try to file an emergency custody order, if that would even fly. Not saying he would do this but I always try to remember to tell people this because you just never know what may happen.

So there are just a lot of things to consider.

Best wishes.
 

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