Mother took child, just located them, want contact but unsure about back support?

[NJDAD0123]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

About 20 years ago I had a child with someone who I was very much in love with while both living in NJ. I was named on the birth certificate (and was there for the birth) and fully believe and agree that I was/am the father. My child was given my last name. We fought quite a bit after our child was born. Mostly about money and living conditions as we were young, dumb, and not really ready.

One day I came home from work to find my girlfriend and our child gone. I had only a vague clue of where they might have gone (she had said her mother lived somewhere in the south but not where).

The loss of my child nearly destroyed me. I fell into use of drugs and alcohol for quite a bit and was back and forth for quite a while between stability and relapse.

During all that time I never gave up hope of contacting and finding them. I'd regularly use the internet scouring for them (even though at some times I probably was not in the best mind to do so).

Some years ago I was drunk and hit upon the mother of my girlfriend. I did contact her but only that night and never spoke to her again as I had been very blitzed.

Forward to today, I've been on the straight and narrow for a good number of years now. I've located my former GF. Through the links from her friends lists and pages I've also located my child. My child is now 20 years old and married.

It appears my ex-GF ran to Mississippi and raised my child. My child now lives in Kentucky with their spouse.

I would like to establish contact but I am concerned as to the risk of possible lawsuits for back child support. I do not know of any awarded Child Support order and it may be very likely that the mother never tried to get any Child Support.

The concern I have is now that I am an established person doing well, supporting my current family. I now have a wonderful wife who dragged me up out of those dark times and made me live again. Such a suit could possibly damage or hurt my current family which is something I do not want to happen.

So, can I be sued for Back Child Support (not support in arrears since I do think no child support was ever awarded)?

Thanks in advance for your time and insight.

Hopeful,
NJ DAD

 

[TheGeekess]

Short answer: No.

 

[Zigner]

In a nutshell, you don't care about the (now adult) child...you care about the money.

 

[mistoffolees]

Short answer: No.

Longer answer: No way.


For OP's benefit, a child support order must be put into place before the child turns 18 in most states and I think 19 in Mississippi. And even then, it is usually not retroactive - it only starts accruing on the date that the custodial parent files for support. (There are exceptions, but it won't matter since Mom apparently never filed for support).

So it's too late for Mom to file for support.

Now, it's possible that Mom did file a support order many years ago and arrears have been accruing. However, this seems unlikely - you probably would have heard about it by now.

So, in general, there's very little risk to contacting your daughter. Don't expect it to be cordial, though. Mom apparently didn't think enough of you to allow you to be part of the child's life and grandma is undoubtedly not saying nice things about you either (I hope that "hit upon" grandma doesn't mean what I think it does? Come on....). It is entirely possible that the girl will want nothing to do with you. You might consider having a mutual acquaintance make the first contact for you. Or maybe do it yourself, but just be very cognizant that you have 20 years of animosity to overcome.

 

[NJDAD0123]

In a nutshell, you don't care about the (now adult) child...you care about the money.

You have no idea how I feel about my now adult child. I do have my current wife and 5 year old child to think about though. I have no words to express the pain I've felt through the years due to that event. Even finally finding them I was brought such pain to find out my child had gotten married and I was not there, and that I was not there when they had a child of their own. I honestly would not wish any such pain on even my worst enemy, as I said it nearly destroyed me.

So, in general, there's very little risk to contacting your daughter. Don't expect it to be cordial, though. Mom apparently didn't think enough of you to allow you to be part of the child's life and grandma is undoubtedly not saying nice things about you either (I hope that "hit upon" grandma doesn't mean what I think it does? Come on....). It is entirely possible that the girl will want nothing to do with you. You might consider having a mutual acquaintance make the first contact for you. Or maybe do it yourself, but just be very cognizant that you have 20 years of animosity to overcome.

No, I meant hit upon as in found some information and attempted contact via that website (which no longer exists). Sorry, should have been more clear.

And yes I do realize I have 20 years of animosity to overcome. My only hope is that that the recent searches I did that found them this time were because in the birth announcement of what is my grandson I was named with my full un-abbreviated name (kind of long) as one of the grandparents on the announcement.

I was actually considering contacting the mother first to see if my child would even want me to contact as I do not feel it would be appropriate to just suddenly pop in out of the blue and say, "Hey, I'm the dad you never knew".

 

[ecmst12]

Don't expect your child to think highly of you or want anything to do with you. In fact, I don't see how it would be to her benefit in the slightest to suddenly pop up in her life after 20 years. If you do, expect a slap in the face - verbal if not literal.

 

[mistoffolees]

Don't expect your child to think highly of you or want anything to do with you. In fact, I don't see how it would be to her benefit in the slightest to suddenly pop up in her life after 20 years. If you do, expect a slap in the face - verbal if not literal.

It sounds like OP is aware of that and willing to take his chances.

I'm actually somewhat sympathetic to the father in the situation where a mother grabs the child and flees out of state. Particularly if she moves in with someone else fairly quickly, it can be very hard to track someone down - especially if they're in one of the 'cash only' cultures. And many people, particularly from lower socioeconomic groups or who have some drug history as OP does, are scared of pushing to hard in the system and may not be aware of their legal options.

If Dad really has made a diligent effort to find the child for 20 years, then I don't think it's fair to hold it against him. OTOH, if he never really tried other than googling the name every couple of years, then I'd agree with you.

 

[ecmst12]

Even if he DID make an effort, she won't know that.

 

[Isis1]

It sounds like OP is aware of that and willing to take his chances.

I'm actually somewhat sympathetic to the father in the situation where a mother grabs the child and flees out of state. Particularly if she moves in with someone else fairly quickly, it can be very hard to track someone down - especially if they're in one of the 'cash only' cultures. And many people, particularly from lower socioeconomic groups or who have some drug history as OP does, are scared of pushing to hard in the system and may not be aware of their legal options.

If Dad really has made a diligent effort to find the child for 20 years, then I don't think it's fair to hold it against him. OTOH, if he never really tried other than googling the name every couple of years, then I'd agree with you.

i have no sympathy in these situations. my mom did the same to my dad. dad claims all sorts of anguish. but i also know my mother holds alot of the responsibility as well. they both screwed up.

OP, go contact your daughter. don't worry about the money. just do it. she may need to lash out at you for not trying hard enough. and yes, you did a piss poor job. but the best thing you can ever give her is the oppurtunity to forgive you.

 

[LdiJ]

Longer answer: No way.


For OP's benefit, a child support order must be put into place before the child turns 18 in most states and I think 19 in Mississippi. And even then, it is usually not retroactive - it only starts accruing on the date that the custodial parent files for support. (There are exceptions, but it won't matter since Mom apparently never filed for support).

So it's too late for Mom to file for support.

Now, it's possible that Mom did file a support order many years ago and arrears have been accruing. However, this seems unlikely - you probably would have heard about it by now.

So, in general, there's very little risk to contacting your daughter. Don't expect it to be cordial, though. Mom apparently didn't think enough of you to allow you to be part of the child's life and grandma is undoubtedly not saying nice things about you either (I hope that "hit upon" grandma doesn't mean what I think it does? Come on....). It is entirely possible that the girl will want nothing to do with you. You might consider having a mutual acquaintance make the first contact for you. Or maybe do it yourself, but just be very cognizant that you have 20 years of animosity to overcome.

There is one scenario that you didn't take into consideration Misto. If mom was on any kind of state aid, and they were unable to locate dad, the state may still be looking for someone to reimburse them for that aid. However, if that is the fact then they would still be looking for him anyway, and making contact with his daughter wouldn't make any difference.

However, he needs to approach this gently and back off if she is not interested.

 

[mistoffolees]

There is one scenario that you didn't take into consideration Misto. If mom was on any kind of state aid, and they were unable to locate dad, the state may still be looking for someone to reimburse them for that aid. However, if that is the fact then they would still be looking for him anyway, and making contact with his daughter wouldn't make any difference.

I thought of that but you're right - I should have mentioned it. I came to the same conclusion - if the state wanted money from him, they could probably find him - he hasn't been making any effort to hid and grandma, at least, had heard from him.

 

[NJDAD0123]

Correct, I've made no effort to hide. My address and phone number have been matters of public record the entire time since she left. I'll admit even a few times my address was a place of public control (due to the aforementioned going off the deep end). Further some of my family still live at the same address that she knew me from all those years ago thus any contact attempt at that address would have been given to me.

As for any outstanding possible balances from state aid or if she had filed claim for child support then I have no fear of paying those monies owed as awarded by a court or for what the state/country may have done to aid in my child's support.

I was more concerned with the idea that may-hap the mother might try something based on the idea she could make money now. Having had that concern alleviated I am now trying to decide how best to approach the matter as I've made the decision that I do want contact. However, I also do not want to disturb my adult child's life if that is not their wish.

Isis1, thank you for your insight. Having some thoughts from your perspective may be very beneficial. You appear very insightful as I've attempted throughout to not state the gender of my adult child but you've figured it out correctly. Yes, I have made my share of mistakes and I'll gladly take whatever beating may come if it would help to establish a relationship with her.

Additional information acquired today shows that my grandson who was born before my daughter got married to a different man than the father bears my last name as well, not the birth father's last name.

 

[ecmst12]

Incorrect, she gave her child HER last name, not yours. It is incidentally the same name but I am certain it had nothing to do with any connection to you, since she has none.

 

[NJDAD0123]

You are correct, call it foolish hope.