Not paying medical per custody agreement and not homeschooling

[flhusker33]

I live in Missouri. My boyfriend of 2 years has a 13 year old son. His mom has never worked. She says she has a medical condition, but this has not been diagnosed by anyone other than herself. The son acts somewhat like a ferrel animal, as he is "home-schooled" and never socialized. He often times does not get homeschooled because his mom doesn't feel good. He reads at a 4th grade level, at best. He often plays video games 12 hours per day. We try endlessly to read with him and to stress the importance, but she is the custodial parent because my boyfriend is active duty military and cannot therefore get custody. She doesn't harm the boy, except for educationally. The homeschool laws in MO are really loose so do we even have a leg to stand on? Also, she is supposed to pay 1/2 of all medical expenses not covered by insurance but since she has no job, she refuses to do so. We won't let the boy go without proper care and so we pay everything. We pay all clothing, all camps and academic needs (although it seems a waste) and we pay all medical. This child is quickly losing his ability to have a good future and we can't seem to get her to concede on anything. What can we do? A lawyer locally said the homeschooling is not worth fighting due to weak laws. This lady reads the textbooks to her kid and says he can just get waivers for reading in college. How nice...someone wants their child to be mediocre at best, and a problem for society? Uggh. SO frustrating. We want to help this child! Please help!

 

[LillianX]

You can do absolutely nothing. You have zero rights to this child in any way, shape, or form. You will also almost certainly not be able to answer some of the questions we will have for Dad.

Please read the sticky at the top of the forum, and have dad open a thread on the topic.

 

[Antigone*]

I live in Missouri. My boyfriend of 2 years has a 13 year old son. His mom has never worked. She says she has a medical condition, but this has not been diagnosed by anyone other than herself. The son acts somewhat like a ferrel animal, as he is "home-schooled" and never socialized. He often times does not get homeschooled because his mom doesn't feel good. He reads at a 4th grade level, at best. He often plays video games 12 hours per day. We try endlessly to read with him and to stress the importance, but she is the custodial parent because my boyfriend is active duty military and cannot therefore get custody. She doesn't harm the boy, except for educationally. The homeschool laws in MO are really loose so do we even have a leg to stand on? Also, she is supposed to pay 1/2 of all medical expenses not covered by insurance but since she has no job, she refuses to do so. We won't let the boy go without proper care and so we pay everything. We pay all clothing, all camps and academic needs (although it seems a waste) and we pay all medical. This child is quickly losing his ability to have a good future and we can't seem to get her to concede on anything. What can we do? A lawyer locally said the homeschooling is not worth fighting due to weak laws. This lady reads the textbooks to her kid and says he can just get waivers for reading in college. How nice...someone wants their child to be mediocre at best, and a problem for society? Uggh. SO frustrating. We want to help this child! Please help!

You should not be involved in this matter. This is NOT your child.

 

[flhusker33]

You can do absolutely nothing. You have zero rights to this child in any way, shape, or form. You will also almost certainly not be able to answer some of the questions we will have for Dad.

Please read the sticky at the top of the forum, and have dad open a thread on the topic.

Actually, Dad is reading this right along with me. I did not try to state that I would do anything, this is help for both of us, so we can help the child. First of all, my money is going to help support the child as well. Secondly, I am concerned about his future and his academic needs. Thanks for being abrupt with someone who actually CARES about a child and is trying to get help so this child can get the medical care he needs as well as have an opportunity for his future. I am not one of those people trying to give up or take something away from him. And, I take care of all financial issues....and share all of this with the child's dad....I would not have posted otherwise.

 

[flhusker33]

You should not be involved in this matter. This is NOT your child.

A simple question...I am preparing to marry this man and therefore will be part of this child's life. Would it be better for me not to give a darn about this kid? I know many women who get involved with men and don't care at all about their children and these marriages rarely work out. I am surprised that with MY money going to help this child...and my concern for his well being, I am at wrong here? I want to help...NOT hinder.

 

[Antigone*]

Actually, Dad is reading this right along with me. I did not try to state that I would do anything, this is help for both of us, so we can help the child. First of all, my money is going to help support the child as well. Secondly, I am concerned about his future and his academic needs. Thanks for being abrupt with someone who actually CARES about a child and is trying to get help so this child can get the medical care he needs as well as have an opportunity for his future. I am not one of those people trying to give up or take something away from him. And, I take care of all financial issues....and share all of this with the child's dad....I would not have posted otherwise.

If the child is failing academically, then dad is as much to blame as mom. What is dad doing to suppliment his child's schooling?

Now if YOU decide to pay anything towards the child's upbringing, consider it a gift and dad should consider himself lucky. The mere fact that you shell out funds for any reason does not give you a ticket to play in this legal matter. Dad is active military, if he is away serving his country then his son is being rightfully care for by his mother. If dad wants things differently then maybe dad should consider a job that keeps him stateside and local.

 

[Antigone*]

A simple question...I am preparing to marry this man and therefore will be part of this child's life. Would it be better for me not to give a darn about this kid? I know many women who get involved with men and don't care at all about their children and these marriages rarely work out. I am surprised that with MY money going to help this child...and my concern for his well being, I am at wrong here? I want to help...NOT hinder.

I was a stepmother to two very undisciplined boys. Their mother couldn't care less and moved far away. Dad did what he could but at the end of the day mom ruled.

Legally speaking you are NOT to give a darn. This is not your child, and you had nothing to do with creating the child. The raising of this child is between two people. You stepping in will create problems for dad. As hard as it was for me to stay on the sidelines, I had to because I was not mom.

As far as YOUR money going to help this child, either consider it a gift to dad or stop giving it but as I said before, it is not a ticket to play in this game.

 

[mistoffolees]

A simple question...I am preparing to marry this man and therefore will be part of this child's life. Would it be better for me not to give a darn about this kid? I know many women who get involved with men and don't care at all about their children and these marriages rarely work out. I am surprised that with MY money going to help this child...and my concern for his well being, I am at wrong here? I want to help...NOT hinder.

No one said you shouldn't care about the kid. But caring does not give you legal rights - which is what this site is about.

You said that Dad is reading it with you. Have him create his own account and post his questions here. There are reasons why most of the seniors don't deal with third parties.

 

[flhusker33]

I was a stepmother to two very undisciplined boys. Their mother couldn't care less and moved far away. Dad did what he could but at the end of the day mom ruled.

Legally speaking you are NOT to give a darn. This is not your child, and you had nothing to do with creating the child. The raising of this child is between two people. You stepping in will create problems for dad. As hard as it was for me to stay on the sidelines, I had to because I was not mom.

As far as YOUR money going to help this child, either consider it a gift to dad or stop giving it but as I said before, it is not a ticket to play in this game.

I agree with you entirely on your posts. Dad is just as much to blame on the education. Mom insists on homeschooling and Dad kind of just gave up and didn't push anything until recently when he realized how bad the problem was. I hold him as accountable. I also believe he could have chosen a career that would have left him stateside and therefore more involved in his son's life. He is taking accountability for those choices now, but unfortunately, he is in for a few years per his contract.

I am not trying to step in legally....was trying to gather information for him so that he can make the best choices for his son. I believe my financial assistance is just that, assistance and a gift and not a ticket to legal intervention or rights. I was simply trying to help you understand that I am not some jerk who is trying to make waves, rather a person who is trying to help.

I do need to step back more. Can I ask another question? As a stepmother, how did you deal with things with these children being in your home. Did you just have to completely sit back and let Dad handle all behavior/discipline, etc? Or, did you voice your concerns about behavior in your home to the dad and take it from there? I ask because this boy, while endeared to my heart, has played video games 12 hours per day and I worry he doesn't understand human life. He gets angry when he is disiciplined by his father and I worry that he doesn't understand that life is not a video game and if he does something, a person doesn't get another "life" at the end of the game. So, just trying to get all perspectives. Not trying to be a horrible person here.

 

[flhusker33]

No one said you shouldn't care about the kid. But caring does not give you legal rights - which is what this site is about.

You said that Dad is reading it with you. Have him create his own account and post his questions here. There are reasons why most of the seniors don't deal with third parties.

I will do so. I agree, I have no legal rights. I was simply trying to make people understand I'm not trying to hurt, only to help. I will definitely have dad create an account when he gets home today, as he is anxious to help his son as well.

 

[Antigone*]

I do need to step back more. Can I ask another question? As a stepmother, how did you deal with things with these children being in your home. Did you just have to completely sit back and let Dad handle all behavior/discipline, etc? Or, did you voice your concerns about behavior in your home to the dad and take it from there? I ask because this boy, while endeared to my heart, has played video games 12 hours per day and I worry he doesn't understand human life. He gets angry when he is disiciplined by his father and I worry that he doesn't understand that life is not a video game and if he does something, a person doesn't get another "life" at the end of the game. So, just trying to get all perspectives. Not trying to be a horrible person here.

When it came to the boys being in my home dad made sure they knew that we both reigned. Although I have to say the boys never outright disrespected me, they acted like any other kids would when they were told no. On the one occasion that the boys went home and told mom "tigi said..." the moment mom complained to dad, he told her what happens on his time is his business.

With regard to the video games, if you are not happy with the child playing video games in your home 12 hours a day set the limit you are comfortable with. If that means 2 hours and he pouts the other 10 then be ready to deal with the 10 hours of the day he isn't playing the games.