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relinquishing parental rights/child support question

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smp76

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? MA

I am in the middle of a very messy situation right now and am looking for some legal advice and am wondering what I can expect to happen in court over the next few months. In order to get some input from you all, I'm going to have to share some personal information that I'm not proud to share. I'm not here for anyone to give me personal advice or to judge me. I hope that you will all respect this.

I recently found out that my husband had an affair while I was pregnant. The woman he had the affair with knew he was married and knew that he was not planning on leaving me. She ended up getting pregnant and made the decision to keep the baby, knowing that we were about to have a baby of our own and knowing that my husband did not want any involvement with her any longer. She told him that she wanted to have the baby and would never tell anyone he was the father. She asked him to just pay him whatever amount he could afford every month and gave him a bank account for him to make deposits into.

Now, the only reason I found out about this affair was because she brought it upon herself to tell me because he had told her that he wanted to work things out with me and was going to be a good husband and father to our child and she thought he was still cheating with someone else rather than with her...this was not the case, but because she thought he was cheating again, she thought I should know the truth.

Once I found all of this out, I advised my husband not to pay her a dime until he got a paternity test done. He does not want anything to do with this child as it was conceived with someone he had an affair with and wants to work things out with our family. Our baby and the baby conceived from the affair are 6 months apart in age.

So now we go to court this Friday to order the paternity test. After paternity is established, we will then go back to talk about support. Now 2 of our major concerns are:
1. Will the court take into consideration only my husband's salary or both or our household salary when figuring out support?

2. Since my husband and I are still married right now and there is no court order saying he pays support for our baby. I'm wondering will the court take into consideration that our child was born first and take into consideration that he is responsible for supporting our child when figuring out support for this other child?

Another thing is my husband wants to relinquish all his parental rights due to extreme disinterest in being a parent to this child due to the circumstances in which it was conceived and due to the type of interaction he has with the child's mother. The mother does not wish to have him involved in any way as well and wants him to work things out with me and our family. He is worried that by having his name on the birth certificate that the child will eventually track him down when it is older. He is also worried about the child's mother harassing him or our family sometime down the road out of spite. Is their a way to put a no contact order or something in place to help prevent these sorts of things from happening? Is it possible for his name to not be put on the birth certificate if paternity is established, he relinquishes his rights but still pays support?

Also, is it worth my husband bringing up the relationship him and the mother of this child had in court? I know it takes two to "tango", but she did make the decision to move forward with having this child knowing my husband was not going to be a father to the child and knowing he wanted to be with his family. Not sure if it would make any difference whatsoever.

Again, I'm not looking for anyone to judge my husband for what he did or to judge me for still being with him....this is all very new, so who knows what will happen down the road...but for now, we are still married. I'm just looking for legal advice or information regarding what we can expect in court.

Thanks for any input anyone can give me.
 
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CJane

Senior Member
Only his income will be considered in the support calculation.

Usually, the courts take into consideration children of the household... though it's a rather small credit.

He will not be able to relinquish his rights until/unless the mother of the child is married and her husband wishes to adopt.

He can choose not to have any contact w/the mother and his child (your child's younger sibling) at his discretion.

I'm not one to jump on the 'every child deserves to know his/her father/mother/siblings/aunts/uncles/whatever bandwagon... but it IS something that your husband should seriously consider - the consequences are enormous and far-reaching.
 

smp76

Junior Member
Only his income will be considered in the support calculation.

Usually, the courts take into consideration children of the household... though it's a rather small credit.

He will not be able to relinquish his rights until/unless the mother of the child is married and her husband wishes to adopt.

He can choose not to have any contact w/the mother and his child (your child's younger sibling) at his discretion.

I'm not one to jump on the 'every child deserves to know his/her father/mother/siblings/aunts/uncles/whatever bandwagon... but it IS something that your husband should seriously consider - the consequences are enormous and far-reaching.
Thanks for your quick response CJane. The only reason he is really concerned with relinquishing his rights was to possibly keep his name off the birth certificate and to make sure there would be no way for them to contact him for anything as long as he's paying his support.

So if he can choose not to have any contact with the mother and this child, does that mean that he can make sure that they cannot have any contact with us and have it all be legal?
 

CJane

Senior Member
Thanks for your quick response CJane. The only reason he is really concerned with relinquishing his rights was to possibly keep his name off the birth certificate and to make sure there would be no way for them to contact him for anything as long as he's paying his support.

So if he can choose not to have any contact with the mother and this child, does that mean that he can make sure that they cannot have any contact with us and have it all be legal?
No, not really.

He can expect that Mom will want a reassessment of child suport every 2 or three years, and that the state will grant it. He can also expect, at some point in the future, for a child to knock on his door and want to know why his/her father didn't want him/her.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
He is worried that by having his name on the birth certificate that the child will eventually track him down when it is older.
Yeah, those unwanted babies have a nasty habit of wanting to know who their PARENTS are - imagine the gall!

SMP - your post amazes and disgusts me. It is cold and calloused. Your loving husband created a HUMAN BEING with another woman. Apparently, he didn't think of the inconveniences BEFORE bedding that woman.
 

smp76

Junior Member
No, not really.

He can expect that Mom will want a reassessment of child suport every 2 or three years, and that the state will grant it. He can also expect, at some point in the future, for a child to knock on his door and want to know why his/her father didn't want him/her.
Lovely. I just hate how he is going to be made to be the only bad guy in all of this when she knew what she was getting herself into. She chose to have an affair with a married man and chose to keep the baby knowing she was going to be on her own. Sorry, just a small vent.:mad:
 

CJane

Senior Member
Lovely. I just hate how he is going to be made to be the only bad guy in all of this when she knew what she was getting herself into. She chose to have an affair with a married man and chose to keep the baby knowing she was going to be on her own. Sorry, just a small vent.:mad:
And honestly? He CHOSE to have sex with another woman while YOU were carrying his child. He obviously KNEW that sometimes, when you have sex, people get pregnant.

He made his choices. He will pay the consequences - and perhaps unfortunately... so will his entire family.

Would you be feeling bad for him had you decided not to stand by him and he was whining about owing the both of you child support?

If you choose to divorce him, will you expect him to have a relationship with YOUR child?
 

smp76

Junior Member
Yeah, those unwanted babies have a nasty habit of wanting to know who their PARENTS are - imagine the gall!

SMP - your post amazes and disgusts me. It is cold and calloused. Your loving husband created a HUMAN BEING with another woman. Apparently, he didn't think of the inconveniences BEFORE bedding that woman.
I happen to be adopted and I don't sit here day in and day out and dwell on who my biological parents are and whether I was wanted or unwanted and under what circumstances I was given up...it is what it is...so i pray that this child will have the same attitude and just feel blessed to be alive and have a good life. unfortunately you cannot force relationships with people who do not want them.
 

smp76

Junior Member
Would you be feeling bad for him had you decided not to stand by him and he was whining about owing the both of you child support?

If you choose to divorce him, will you expect him to have a relationship with YOUR child?
Honestly, I have not really given any thought to what would happen if we end up getting a divorce, however I do know that our child was conceived out of love and not from an affair, so of course I'd expect him to have a relationship with my child.

This woman actually said she'd get an abortion if he wanted her to, but he felt it was not his place to decide because it was her body but he did make it clear that he did not feel comfortable with having any type of relationship with her or the child. She made a choice as well. I'd be saying this whether we were divorced or married still.
 

smp76

Junior Member
Exactly - and your husband CHOSE to have a relationship (albeit, a very short one) with the mother of his child.
right and your point is? oh wait, let me guess, so ultimately that makes him responsible for this child. let me make this clear...he is taking responsibility by supoorting the child financially which was what they agreed to when she made the decision to move forward with the pregnancy. oh i know, i'm so cold...i've gotten the answers that i feel i need to move forward. thanks for taking the time to judge my situation, me and my husband...it's been real! now you can all move on to the next victim!
 
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TinkerBelleLuvr

Senior Member
OP - he's not going to be kept off the birth certificate because he will be adjucated to be the daddy. He can choose NOT to establish any parenting time AT THIS TIME. He may feel differently down the road. There are court orders out there for only child support with NO parenting time.
 
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mb94

Member
Please, go into court and make a big deal about how this woman dared to get pregnant by a married man. That she, and the child, should be punished because she knew what she was getting into. If you think the reactions you've gotten here are harsh, wait till you hear it from the judge.

Because your husband chose to have unprotected sex (or at least not protected enough) with someone he didn't want to be around. Although, if you believe that when he was knocking boots with her he was telling her how much he can't stand her and how he really wants to be with his wife, I sort of feel bad for you. Because that's probably not how it went down. And I know it's hard to accept (I've been cheated on before) he was probably telling her all the sweet things he said to you.

At least until she got knocked up and wasn't as much fun as a play thing anymore.

Take a step back. What difference does it make if his name is on the birth certificate or not. This isn't an adoption where the parents raising the child have no idea who the bio parents are. Even if he isn't on the birth certificate Mom can just, say, tell the kid his name. Or give him the court records. Or the canceled child support checks.

He doesn't have to have contact with the kid. But you also can't get an RO based on what might happen. You'll have to wait until she actually does something harrassing before you can do anything.

You may want to rethink that "no contact" thing, since along with child support Dad is also going to be responsible for 1/2 the daycare and medical expenses. So, he might want to have some imput in deciding if the kid gets the diamond studded braces, or regular ones. Unless he doesn't mind acting like an ATM who is giving out money with no say on how it is used or seeing the results of it.

You know, there's a big difference between a child who is lovingly placed for adoption and one who grows up knowing that their father doesn't mind sending money but wants nothing to do with them.

I hope you're planning on telling your own child about their half-sibling when they are old enough. Because eventually this is all going to come out (even if it's just the kid wondering why Dad is complaining about child support payments) and it's better if it doesn't come as some type of huge shock.
 

CJane

Senior Member
our child was conceived out of love and not from an affair
He didn't love you enough to honor the vows he took. Might want to think about that.

But, as the mother of a fatherless child who is perfectly happy w/the father never having any contact as long as he drops his check in the mail every week, I think the fact that your husband doesn't want anything to do with his child is pretty far down on the list of reasons he's a worthless a$$hole.
 

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