Rights of father vs happiness of 14 year old

[FinallyFree]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

Father and I currently share 50/50 custody. For the last 6 months our son hasn't wanted to go back to his fathers house when our week was over. He still goes sometimes but it's not 50/50 anymore for sure. Generally son will send a text to dad to ask if it's alright or tell him he's not coming and his father goes along with it without too much of a stink most of the time.

Son doesn't like the environment - it's often high stress being around his dad. They argue and his dad has a short fuse and likes to "maintain control" by getting physical: throwing/breaking stuff in sons room, yelling, charging at him, twisting his words, etc. I know all these things to be true because I lived this life for 10 years. Father says everything is fine and that son just doesn't want to do his chores. He says son is mouthy and lazy and that's why things get heated. Son IS mouthy, that is true... come on, he's 14. Kinda to be expected. During his last visit his dad grabbed his fists hard and while yelling in his face, banged sons own fist into his face and left a cut and bruise under his eye. While son may have set him off somehow, this reaction is scary and over the top. This is why he wants outta there.

His fathers reactions and behavior really bothers me - it's one of the reasons I divorced him. That being said, his dad does have 50% custody at the present moment so I don't want to get myself into hot water by backing my son in his refusal to go back to dads. I'm in a position now where I can't physically force him into the car, and I am not going to allow his dad to come drag him out of my house, so what am I expected to do? I understand where my son is coming from, so at what point does protecting his health and happiness become the #1 priority?

I realize I can petition the court and they will likely be willing to listen to our son. I guess the other option is that he just doesn't go over there anymore and we'll see what ex does about it, if anything. I doubt he wants to deal with court, and I don't particularly either but I don't want to be in contempt for protecting my kid.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

Father and I currently share 50/50 custody. For the last 6 months our son hasn't wanted to go back to his fathers house when our week was over. He still goes sometimes but it's not 50/50 anymore for sure. Generally son will send a text to dad to ask if it's alright or tell him he's not coming and his father goes along with it without too much of a stink most of the time.

Son doesn't like the environment - it's often high stress being around his dad. They argue and his dad has a short fuse and likes to "maintain control" by getting physical: throwing/breaking stuff in sons room, yelling, charging at him, twisting his words, etc. I know all these things to be true because I lived this life for 10 years. Father says everything is fine and that son just doesn't want to do his chores. He says son is mouthy and lazy and that's why things get heated. Son IS mouthy, that is true... come on, he's 14. Kinda to be expected. During his last visit his dad grabbed his fists hard and while yelling in his face, banged sons own fist into his face and left a cut and bruise under his eye. While son may have set him off somehow, this reaction is scary and over the top. This is why he wants outta there.

His fathers reactions and behavior really bothers me - it's one of the reasons I divorced him. That being said, his dad does have 50% custody at the present moment so I don't want to get myself into hot water by backing my son in his refusal to go back to dads. I'm in a position now where I can't physically force him into the car, and I am not going to allow his dad to come drag him out of my house, so what am I expected to do? I understand where my son is coming from, so at what point does protecting his health and happiness become the #1 priority?

I realize I can petition the court and they will likely be willing to listen to our son. I guess the other option is that he just doesn't go over there anymore and we'll see what ex does about it, if anything. I doubt he wants to deal with court, and I don't particularly either but I don't want to be in contempt for protecting my kid.

Why didn't you call CPS when your son came home with a cut and bruise on his face, caused by his father?

 

[Silverplum]

"Mouthiness" may be expected to be attempted by a teen.

How the parent/s handle the first, second, third, and subsequent attempts will or will not lead to "expected mouthiness."

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

Father and I currently share 50/50 custody. For the last 6 months our son hasn't wanted to go back to his fathers house when our week was over. He still goes sometimes but it's not 50/50 anymore for sure. Generally son will send a text to dad to ask if it's alright or tell him he's not coming and his father goes along with it without too much of a stink most of the time.

Son doesn't like the environment - it's often high stress being around his dad. They argue and his dad has a short fuse and likes to "maintain control" by getting physical: throwing/breaking stuff in sons room, yelling, charging at him, twisting his words, etc. I know all these things to be true because I lived this life for 10 years. Father says everything is fine and that son just doesn't want to do his chores. He says son is mouthy and lazy and that's why things get heated. Son IS mouthy, that is true... come on, he's 14. Kinda to be expected. During his last visit his dad grabbed his fists hard and while yelling in his face, banged sons own fist into his face and left a cut and bruise under his eye. While son may have set him off somehow, this reaction is scary and over the top. This is why he wants outta there.

His fathers reactions and behavior really bothers me - it's one of the reasons I divorced him. That being said, his dad does have 50% custody at the present moment so I don't want to get myself into hot water by backing my son in his refusal to go back to dads. I'm in a position now where I can't physically force him into the car, and I am not going to allow his dad to come drag him out of my house, so what am I expected to do? I understand where my son is coming from, so at what point does protecting his health and happiness become the #1 priority?

I realize I can petition the court and they will likely be willing to listen to our son. I guess the other option is that he just doesn't go over there anymore and we'll see what ex does about it, if anything. I doubt he wants to deal with court, and I don't particularly either but I don't want to be in contempt for protecting my kid.

What are you doing to correct your son's behavior?

Why does your son believe he has a choice here?

 

[FinallyFree]

Why didn't you call CPS when your son came home with a cut and bruise on his face, caused by his father?

I didn't think it was justification to call CPS. That's a big can of worms I'd be opening, let me tell you. I documented it and took pictures when he told me, which was earlier this week. The incident had happened a few days prior.

 

[Ladyback1]

I didn't think it was justification to call CPS. That's a big can of worms I'd be opening, let me tell you. I documented it and took pictures when he told me, which was earlier this week. The incident had happened a few days prior.

Really? Some adult, any adult, much less a parent intentionally inflicting bodily harm on your child doesn't justify involving the proper authorities?

 

[Ohiogal]

I didn't think it was justification to call CPS. That's a big can of worms I'd be opening, let me tell you. I documented it and took pictures when he told me, which was earlier this week. The incident had happened a few days prior.

Yet you are allowing your son to believe he has a right to be disrespectful to his parent (mouthiness to his father). Nah. He doesn't. There is a COURT ORDER. It is to be followed. Your son needs to comprehend respect to a parent. End of story. Unless of course you are going to file a motion for emergency orders (which may not be seen as an emergency) and have them granted by the next visitation.
And your child should be respectful to you that if you say go, he goes. No physical need necessary.

 

[Ohiogal]

Really? Some adult, any adult, much less a parent intentionally inflicting bodily harm on your child doesn't justify involving the proper authorities?

CPS should be a last resort. A parent IS different. Plain and simple. She has other legal options. CPS should be after those are exhausted. OP seems to want an excuse however.

 

[FinallyFree]

What are you doing to correct your son's behavior?

At my house he gets possessions taken away. That seems to be the most effective, but it's trial and error.

Why does your son believe he has a choice here?

Why? Probably because being at his dads house negatively affects him. Probably because he knows he has another parent that he could potentially live with. At 14 he's not completely oblivious to how these things work. Do you think children should have no say regardless of circumstance?

 

[FinallyFree]

Yet you are allowing your son to believe he has a right to be disrespectful to his parent (mouthiness to his father). Nah. He doesn't. There is a COURT ORDER. It is to be followed. Your son needs to comprehend respect to a parent. End of story. Unless of course you are going to file a motion for emergency orders (which may not be seen as an emergency) and have them granted by the next visitation.
And your child should be respectful to you that if you say go, he goes. No physical need necessary.

Where did you get that I am allowing it? Understanding that mouthiness is pretty normal for 14 year olds does not mean I "allow" it. There is a difference.

 

[Ohiogal]

At my house he gets possessions taken away. That seems to be the most effective, but it's trial and error.



Why? Probably because being at his dads house negatively affects him. Probably because he knows he has another parent that he could potentially live with. At 14 he's not completely oblivious to how these things work. Do you think children should have no say regardless of circumstance?

Or because you have allowed him to believe that he doesn't have to mind you because you won't physically move him to the car. Children have no say so when it comes to the law or court orders. END of story. YOU are the parent. PARENT. If you can't parent him effectively, that is on you. If you tell him to go to the car for his visit with his father, he should go. Unless you have received an emergency order saying he doesn't have to go.

So the question here is not about your son but rather about whether or not you are actually a parent. Are you?

 

[FinallyFree]

CPS should be a last resort. A parent IS different. Plain and simple. She has other legal options. CPS should be after those are exhausted. OP seems to want an excuse however.

I agree about CPS. I want an excuse? For what?

 

[Ohiogal]

Where did you get that I am allowing it? Understanding that mouthiness is pretty normal for 14 year olds does not mean I "allow" it. There is a difference.

Mouthiness does not have to be a) accepted or b) tolerated. There are things to be done to correct it. And quite frankly, if you are parenting your child effectively, you should not need physical force to put him in the car to obey a court order.

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree about CPS. I want an excuse? For what?

For not sending the child. You obey the court order UNTIL you get it changed. End of story.

 

[FinallyFree]

Or because you have allowed him to believe that he doesn't have to mind you because you won't physically move him to the car. Children have no say so when it comes to the law or court orders. END of story. YOU are the parent. PARENT. If you can't parent him effectively, that is on you. If you tell him to go to the car for his visit with his father, he should go. Unless you have received an emergency order saying he doesn't have to go.

So the question here is not about your son but rather about whether or not you are actually a parent. Are you?

Yes, which is why I posted my original question, which you have not answered. At what point AS A PARENT is it a bigger priority for me to back my son? Apparently your opinion is such that under no circumstances is a court order to be broken. Apparently your opinion is that I am not effectively parenting because I am not insisting he get into the car and go. Everything is black and white in your world?