Rock and a hard place

[talisman]

What is the name of your state? Virginia.

Hi - here's my situation - it's a little unusual. I have a 1 month old daughter - never married and not on great terms with my ex although we both want the best for my daughter.

I make 70k she makes 50k. No issue with child support at 1k per month. We are trying to avoid going to court but now it looks unlikely. Here is what her dad proposed tonight (she wont speak to me anymore b/c she is too emotionally involved)

Originally she wanted 1700 per month in child care b/c her mom was going to watch our daughter - I have no prob with that except my share combined wtih support is over 1/2 my net income - i could not surrive. I offered $1100 per month and they said they would accept that but i would only get to see her for 4 hours supervised every two weeks (8 hours per month) - theres no way im accepting that so it looks like the courts for us.

Her dad did say that I could pay nothing and not have any rights to see her - I would never accept this but I wonder if this is even an option? or was it a set up to see if I would take that deal and they could hold it against me when we went to court.

Basically I'm willing to pay a reasonable amount in child care with reasonable visitation rights - they are basing my child care (not support) payment with how much time I will be able to see my daughter which is ludicrous.

please! any advice?

 

[Phnx02]

What is the name of your state? Virginia.

Hi - here's my situation - it's a little unusual. I have a 1 month old daughter - never married and not on great terms with my ex although we both want the best for my daughter.

I make 70k she makes 50k. No issue with child support at 1k per month. We are trying to avoid going to court but now it looks unlikely. Here is what her dad proposed tonight (she wont speak to me anymore b/c she is too emotionally involved)

Originally she wanted 1700 per month in child care b/c her mom was going to watch our daughter - I have no prob with that except my share combined wtih support is over 1/2 my net income - i could not surrive. I offered $1100 per month and they said they would accept that but i would only get to see her for 4 hours supervised every two weeks (8 hours per month) - theres no way im accepting that so it looks like the courts for us.

Her dad did say that I could pay nothing and not have any rights to see her - I would never accept this but I wonder if this is even an option? or was it a set up to see if I would take that deal and they could hold it against me when we went to court.

Basically I'm willing to pay a reasonable amount in child care with reasonable visitation rights - they are basing my child care (not support) payment with how much time I will be able to see my daughter which is ludicrous.

please! any advice?

You need to research what your state law guidelines are for child support. In some states it's a certain percentage of the NCP's net income (yours) - generally 20%. In other states, they take into account both your net income and the CP's income (mother) and come to a "middle ground" figure. If your income is $70K a year, and your state law says the NCP pays 20% of monthly net, then $1,000 is about right. Maybe a little high after deductions. Unless your ex actually pays her parents to babysit the child while she works, she cannot ask for extra daycare expenses. Then again, in some states, daycare costs can be in addition to the montly cs amount - but usually each parent pays 50/50. It all depends on your state guidelines! And in some states, the amount the NCP pays in child support is based on how much visitation time he/she gets. The more visitation time, the less the NCP pays. Each state is different.

As far as the father threatening you with no efforts to collect cs if you agree to no visitation or no parental rights.....he's calling your bluff. It's not this easy. A parent cannot give up his parental rights just to get out of paying child support. You have a moral and financial duty to support your child for the next 18 years. On the other hand, unless you establish legal paternity and the mother sues you for child support, then you have no visitation rights nor have to pay child support, respectively. The father may be saying "hey, if you just go away you don't have to pay child support"..... but you won't have any right to visit either. Although one is not dependant on the other in the eyes of the law, this is a catch 22. If you're proven to be the father, then the law will order you to pay child support. And luckily for you, you will also be awarded a set visitation schedule becasue you are the father. You will then have certain rights no matter what her father says. But you can only get legal visitation rights in the first place by filing for paternity which results in an order to pay child support. And even if you don't ever file for paternity (for whatever reason), she can do so herself at any time in the future. You will be obligated to pay support towards your daughter until she reaches 18.

 

[misslawli]

Not at all unusual unfortunately. Quite honestly Court is your best bet. For many reasons. 1) anything you pay in support with out a court order could be considered a "gift" and not count. 2) She is not legally obligated to let you see the baby at ALL!!! without the court order. Verbal agreements and agreements in writing NOT signed by a Judge are absolutely worthless. When you go to court Custody/visitation and Child support are two seperate issues. She can not legally with hold visitaion if you by chance get behind on support and you can not withhold support if she's not letting you see the baby. It is just safer for everyone through the courts. If I were you, I would RUN to the local court house and pick up the papers unless you have access to a lawyer. You can fill all the papers out your self and file them. If you file first it may look better in the judges eyes. Ask for Joint legal custody( then you will have equal decision making) and Joint physical custody. Pick up the packet for child support also. You may find that you are not "legally" required to pay $1,000 a month. But it would be really nice if you could. At 1 month old you will have to probably work your way up. Acouple of hours a week...then up to over nights then to multiple nights.
Even at 1 month 8 hours supervised is just rediculous. My son was spending the weekend with his dad by 4 months. The more time the baby spends with you now the easier the transition will be into overnights.

Good Luck!

 

[VeronicaGia]

To get an estimate of what support could be go here:

www.supportguidelines.com

I suggest you retain an attorney and file for a court ordered DNA test. If the test proves the baby is yours, file for support, and custody/visitation. Ask for more than you want, settle for what you want when it comes to custody/visitation.

Her father needs to keep his nose out of this; this is not his child.

 

[kat1963]

No way, 1100 is probably already above guidelines even with daycare. Since VA is a combined income share state if she doesn't return to work your support will actually be less. You need a very good family law attorney immediately. File for DNA testing, full custody & child support (gosh that will really set Daddy off eh?). Then settle for 50/50 joint parenting, you provide medical (since you have a higher income) splitting unpaids 50/50, 50/50 on daycare bill & each parent gets the income tax deduction every other year. VA is a presumed joint parenting state. There are support calculators for both sole parenting and joint parenting. What you probably won't find is that if you have student loans or union dues ect. then they get deducted from your monthly income prior to support being calculated. In addition, the first $250.00 of unpaid medical per year is already built into the child support amounts.
Mediation will be required. Have fun in that first class! (Hint: sit in the back, its fun to watch other couples smirking & making faces at each other.)
Here is ONE VA calculator:
http://www.dss.state.va.us/family/dcse_calc.cgi
Here is an example of a joint parenting plan:
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan4.htm
Articles:
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.htm
Good Luck!
KAT

 

[talisman]

thanks

thanks everyone - awesome advice! This forum is great.

Kat - would you be able to recommend a good family lawyer in the northern virginia area (alexandria)?

Thanks