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Too little too late?

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Dukefandad

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? Virginia

I have been divorced for almost 2 years and have two kids, ages 17 and 14. At the time, I made some very difficult decisions and sacrifices, that I knew would be totally unfair to me, solely for the purpose of trying not to hinder my children_s relationship with their mother. Given the things that my ex did, and going against the advice of everyone I know, they may not have been the right decisions. My question is whether it is too late to make any changes, so first I will give some basic facts of the situation, beginning with the actions of my ex in sequential order:

1) Just prior to asking for the separation, my ex met & had an affair with a 28 yr. old guy at the beach, whom she would have move in with her approx. just over a month after the separation. He continued to live with her approx. 1 yr. 2) During the time she was still with him, I met and dated someone for the first time, towards the end of the year she was with him. When she found out I was seeing someone, she flipped, came to a friend_s house where I was with my date & my children, she pushed her way through the front door, screaming & ranting, threatening my date, threatening to tear her car up & our house, etc., & I finally had no choice to call the police. This incident is on record. 3) During Christmas, 2004, she totaled her car, flipping it 4 times, and was charged with DUI with a high blood alcohol level & subsequently sentenced to weekend jail, car lock breathalyzer & probation for 1 yr.

There is no written agreement on custody or child support, of which I am currently paying $650/mo. We basically split custody, but she tips being the _custodial_ parent since the kids stay with her overnight during the week; I have them every other weekend and two nights during the school week, but not over night on weekday/schooldays. We have basically adhered to this agreement without a written order. Finally, my question_given the past events and her actions, record, etc., do I have any chance of having custody & child support changed in my favor?
 
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CJane

Senior Member
Well, if there's no custody order, there's no order to change. You CAN file for custody/more liberal vistation (overnights during the week) and in your situation, I'd certainly recommend that you do so. Nothing that you've listed though is enough to convince the courts that mom is unfit, especially if you've continued to leave the children in her care after these actions.

Also, the kids are of an age that honestly... the youngest might be 17 by the time an order comes through. Only you can decide if it's worth the fight. There are a lot of people on this board who went through YEARS of battles just to establish custody orders.
 

thefid

Member
This is what you do... file for a request for change in custody with you as the primary custodian! If she is/was convicted of a DUI, then you stand a better chance of getting it if you act now.

Read your state divorce laws regarding a request to modify custody. I have the kids 40% of ALL nights and pay her based on SOLE custody. If you have an attorney and they don't know how to do this, then FIRE them... I did, now I am doing it the way it should have been done years ago and without a lawyer. Don't trust your lawyers to do all the leg work for you, that gets too expensive. I had to read every Utah law regarding divorce... talk about an eye opener.

thefid
 
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thefid

Member
Maybe I should directly answer the questions this time...
Q: My question is whether it is too late to make any changes.
A: Not at all... do it now.

"There is no written agreement on custody or child support"
A: oops... Unless you are making 70k+ a year, you are paying too much for split custody. If you have them up to half the time, it will usually be about $200-$300 for about $40k (based on your state laws... In Utah from 132+ days you pay considerably less, especially when you get closer to 50%). Once you go even a day (acutally courts count nights only) over 50%, you pay nothing. She won't pay you either, unless you can get what is called "Primary Residency". If you never request it you never will get it. Most states will let you back date all arrearages to the date of the first filing. Meaning if you file tomorrow for the changes, even if it takes you 5 years to settle, you get all the money back (or difference of what you paid) starting from tomorrow. $650 a month sounds like it would be worth it to me. Worst case, you will get your current situation in writing and most likely pay less either way.

Regardless of the end result, go back to court and get the court to put it in writing. Once again, read all your state's laws regarding the issue. It will help you build/present your case.

thefid
IamNOTaVisitor.
 
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E

eme76

Guest
thefid said:
This is what you do... file for a request for change in custody with you as the primary custodian! If she is/was convicted of a DUI, then you stand a better chance of getting it if you act now.

Read your state divorce laws regarding a request to modify custody. I have the kids 40% of ALL nights and pay her based on SOLE custody. If you have an attorney and they don't know how to do this, then FIRE them... I did, now I am doing it the way it should have been done years ago and without a lawyer. Don't trust your lawyers to do all the leg work for you, that gets too expensive. I had to read every Utah law regarding divorce... talk about an eye opener.

thefid
:rolleyes: get off the box i need some soap:rolleyes:
 

thefid

Member
eme76 said:
:rolleyes: get off the box i need some soap:rolleyes:
You need more than soap... I can smell it from here. :eek:

At least someone is trying to help answer questions. What useful knowledge can you provide? Or are you just a wannabe critic for these forums? Sounds like to me that you are one of these moms who run around screaming your ex is a deadbeat and all men are evil. 90% of all fathers who have shared custody actually PAY CS regularly (most the rest are unemployed). Maybe you should give your ex more time with the kids and stop poisoning their minds with slander.

If you are not asking or trying to help asnwer questions, keep your unwelcome sarcastic comments to yourself.

thefid
IamNOTaVisitor.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
thefid said:
In Utah from 132+ days you pay considerably less, especially when you get closer to 50%). Once you go even a day (acutally courts count nights only) over 50%, you pay nothing.
Utah law is completely irrelevant in this situation. VA guidelines would govern.
 

Zephyr

Senior Member
I don't think any of what you mentioned is enough to change custody

her affair- nothing to do with parenting ability

the disorderly conduct and DUI were from well over a year ago, if you were actually concerned with how your kids maybe treated or affected in her presence then the time to do something was immediately after the incidents. You did not, you continued to follow the schedule.....implying that you were ok with the kids being with mom.....these items are not smoking guns, nor your ace in the hole


the children are however old enough that there preference for where they live could
notice that says could, not would, be given some weight, so what do they want?
 
E

eme76

Guest
sorry to hijack...

thefid said:
You need more than soap... I can smell it from here. :eek:

At least someone is trying to help answer questions. What useful knowledge can you provide? Or are you just a wannabe critic for these forums? Sounds like to me that you are one of these moms who run around screaming your ex is a deadbeat and all men are evil. 90% of all fathers who have shared custody actually PAY CS regularly (most the rest are unemployed). Maybe you should give your ex more time with the kids and stop poisoning their minds with slander.

If you are not asking or trying to help asnwer questions, keep your unwelcome sarcastic comments to yourself.

thefid
IamNOTaVisitor.

look..#1 the "knowledge" you provided was not that useful to this dad...it is very clear that your only reason for being on this forum is to promote your point of view...which seems to be that everyone should have 50/50 custody and that is just not realistic!
#2 i am not a critic just sick of reading all your crap today
#3 i dont go running around screaming about anything...but ...if you must know...my ex has no intrest in spending any time with our daughter (or his son from his 1st marriage either for that matter) he has paid all of a whopping $249.63 in the almost 3years we have been divorced and that was only because CSEA finaly caught up with him at one of the 6 (or more im not sure) jobs he has had in that same amount of time..... he refuses to follow the simplist of court orders (such as giving me his address when he moved...to another state!) i think that he more than qualifys as a "deadbeat"
if he were a responsible person and put his children before himself and his drugs i would be more than happy to let him be more involved
as for "poisining their minds with slander" i have never nor will i ever say a single slanderous/negative/wrong/bad/etc... thing to my child about her father
she loves him and i want to keep it that way for as long as possible...unfortunatly, just as her brother has, she will figure out what an a$$ he is all on her own

i have soooo much more i could say to you but i have to go tuck my daughter in bed
 

thefid

Member
stealth2 said:
Utah law is completely irrelevant in this situation. VA guidelines would govern.
Exactly, that is why I suggested to read his own state's laws for further guidance. :) I was amazed at what was in there, it was quite useful. I used that as an example of what to help look for and I hope he gets it.
 

thefid

Member
eme76 said:
#1 the "knowledge" you provided was not that useful to this dad...it is very clear that your only reason for being on this forum is to promote your point of view...which seems to be that everyone should have 50/50 custody and that is just not realistic!
#2 i am not a critic just sick of reading all your crap today
#3 i dont go running around screaming about anything...but ...if you must know...
My point of view is answering this man's questions the best I can.

#1 Let Dukefandad be the judge of useful information on his thread. 50/50 is reasonable if both parents are "capable". Children need BOTH parents. If this man wants more time with his kids, then he deserves it. Who are you to tell him or anyone else that they are not worthy of rearing their own kids?
#2 Then don't read it.
#3 Thank you for proving my point! Go ahead and call me evil as well and complete my observation.

If you would have read my .com site, you would have understood what my point of view really is. If you have more to say to me, send me a PM and don't use this guy's thread.

thefid
IamNOTaVisitor.
 

aud

Member
which seems to be that everyone should have 50/50 custody and that is just not realistic!
And why is that just not realistic....I have to take issue with that. I think, with the exception of some one being unfit, 50/50 visitation and no CS on either end would be a fine goal. The family courts make all sorts of other unreasonable rulings....I have always maintained that this is the way it should be!

Just my 2 cents
 

ceara19

Senior Member
thefid said:
This is what you do... file for a request for change in custody with you as the primary custodian! If she is/was convicted of a DUI, then you stand a better chance of getting it if you act now.

Read your state divorce laws regarding a request to modify custody. I have the kids 40% of ALL nights and pay her based on SOLE custody. If you have an attorney and they don't know how to do this, then FIRE them... I did, now I am doing it the way it should have been done years ago and without a lawyer. Don't trust your lawyers to do all the leg work for you, that gets too expensive. I had to read every Utah law regarding divorce... talk about an eye opener.

thefid
ONE year old DUI is nowhere NEAR enough to get a change of custody unless the children were in the car when mom got the DUI.
 

thefid

Member
Zephyr said:
I don't think any of what you mentioned is enough to change custody

her affair- nothing to do with parenting ability

the disorderly conduct and DUI were from well over a year ago, if you were actually concerned with how your kids maybe treated or affected in her presence then the time to do something was immediately after the incidents. You did not, you continued to follow the schedule.....implying that you were ok with the kids being with mom.....these items are not smoking guns, nor your ace in the hole


the children are however old enough that there preference for where they live could
notice that says could, not would, be given some weight, so what do they want?

Good points Zephyr, you are correct it would have been much more effective a year ago. Yet it may still be referenced as to her character if it *somehow* came up in court. ;)

As for the age of the children many states have an age where their voices can be heard in court without a guardian ad litem. In Utah (once again, this is Utah law and will not/may not be the same as VA laws) that age is 16 years old. It would be up to the child at that time as to what s/he wants. Warning... If the judge gets a hint of the child being coerced, (IE: I get a car if I go to daddy's!) it will not go over well.

** Edit ** ceara19, you are correct, I was wrong.

good luck
thefid
 
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