Wow... am I a sucker

[joedirt]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? California
Well, my wife of 3.5 years just gave me the boot. She said 'she didn't love me any more'. I then found out that she has had relationships with 2 different guys for the past year. She is following in her mother's footsteps... I should have seen it coming.
Well, this is the background and any advice would be helpful:
I have a 2 y/o girl and I have a step daughter (8) who is currently getting child support from her bio-dad ($3k a month). My main objective is to provide both kids with a stable enviornment (my wife has moved just about every 18 months for the past 15 years). Because we are in California, I make $200k, I work 70 hours a week, she has been a stay at home mom since I married her, she has no marketable skills, I am a stepdad to one of the girls and they won't split up the siblings (nor would I want them to), and there isn't anything wrong with adultery in the California courts, I figure that there isn't any chance that the courts will give me sole custody of the kids.
Initial reasearch on child support shows that I would only have to pay about $2200 per month... but she wouldn't be able to live in the house for that amount + alimony for a couple of years... and I feel that a home gives the kids stability in their lives.
I am willing to pay her MORE than she is entitled to, because I don't want to disrupt the kid's lives more than this already will.

This is what she wants me to agree to prior to mediation:
-She can live in the house and I will pay the mortgage ($2800)
-I can give her an additional $1250 chlild support + a cost of living adjustment annually
-She would keep the car that I gave her and pay the insurance/gas/maintenance
-I pay my biological kid's extra-curricular activities, healthcare, private school, etc on top of the $1250 + mortgage
-I have both kids one night a week and every other weekend, holidays, etc.
-When the house sells in the future, she & I would split the proceeds.

She is willing to go to mediation, but only if I agree to the above by the end of the day on Monday (a holiday). If not, she is meeting with her attorney first thing Tuesday morning who has promised to, in her words, 'take me to the cleaners'...also, if I change the basics in the above agreement during mediation, she will go to court.

I want to stay away from court because I'm sure that the kids and I will both lose and I know that if we go to court, I'm stuck with all of her legal bills... she knows it too.

The attorney that I am going to meet with isn't available until Wednesday, but she has given me the ultimatum to get back to her by Monday evening.
-Am I a fool to think that this will be enough?
-From what you see here, am I giving away too much?
-Should I just agree to anything and talk with the attorney that I have been referred to?
-She was molested by a few of her mother's overnight guests (one from when she was 8-16)... a real sad story. I wan't to protect my kids from the same thing happening to them... if she agrees to no overnight guests in the house when the kids are there, will that be enforceable?

Thanks for your help,
Joe Dirt

By the way, single guys reading this: don't think that they won't turn out just like their mother.

 

[Phnx02]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? California
Well, my wife of 3.5 years just gave me the boot. She said 'she didn't love me any more'. I then found out that she has had relationships with 2 different guys for the past year. She is following in her mother's footsteps... I should have seen it coming.
Well, this is the background and any advice would be helpful:
I have a 2 y/o girl and I have a step daughter (8) who is currently getting child support from her bio-dad ($3k a month). My main objective is to provide both kids with a stable enviornment (my wife has moved just about every 18 months for the past 15 years). Because we are in California, I make $200k, I work 70 hours a week, she has been a stay at home mom since I married her, she has no marketable skills, I am a stepdad to one of the girls and they won't split up the siblings (nor would I want them to), and there isn't anything wrong with adultery in the California courts, I figure that there isn't any chance that the courts will give me sole custody of the kids.
Initial reasearch on child support shows that I would only have to pay about $2200 per month... but she wouldn't be able to live in the house for that amount + alimony for a couple of years... and I feel that a home gives the kids stability in their lives.
I am willing to pay her MORE than she is entitled to, because I don't want to disrupt the kid's lives more than this already will.

This is what she wants me to agree to prior to mediation:
-She can live in the house and I will pay the mortgage ($2800)
-I can give her an additional $1250 chlild support + a cost of living adjustment annually
-She would keep the car that I gave her and pay the insurance/gas/maintenance
-I pay my biological kid's extra-curricular activities, healthcare, private school, etc on top of the $1250 + mortgage
-I have both kids one night a week and every other weekend, holidays, etc.
-When the house sells in the future, she & I would split the proceeds.

She is willing to go to mediation, but only if I agree to the above by the end of the day on Monday (a holiday). If not, she is meeting with her attorney first thing Tuesday morning who has promised to, in her words, 'take me to the cleaners'...also, if I change the basics in the above agreement during mediation, she will go to court.

I want to stay away from court because I'm sure that the kids and I will both lose and I know that if we go to court, I'm stuck with all of her legal bills... she knows it too.

The attorney that I am going to meet with isn't available until Wednesday, but she has given me the ultimatum to get back to her by Monday evening.
-Am I a fool to think that this will be enough?
-From what you see here, am I giving away too much?
-Should I just agree to anything and talk with the attorney that I have been referred to?
-She was molested by a few of her mother's overnight guests (one from when she was 8-16)... a real sad story. I wan't to protect my kids from the same thing happening to them... if she agrees to no overnight guests in the house when the kids are there, will that be enforceable?

Thanks for your help,
Joe Dirt

By the way, single guys reading this: don't think that they won't turn out just like their mother.

Seems to me your ex is asking for an awful lot (this is coming from a woman's perspective). She wants you to move out of the house but still pay the entire mortgage? Plus pay $1250 in CS for your child together, in addition to the $3,000 she already recieves for the other.....plus keep the car and you pay for gas? And private schools? She'll be living 100% free while you'll end up with $100 a month if you're lucky. While she probably is entitled to some of this, I personally think this is too much based on an income of $200k. 3 times as much.....maybe, but this is just my opinion.

I applaud you for wanting to keep the kids together and continue a relationship with your step-daughter. This is very admirable. It's up to you to "just agree" to her demands or fight it out. Depends on how much time, money, and ENERGY you're willing to spend. But remember, mediation is just that.......a meeting with a 3rd party to "referee" while you negotiate things. A mediation hearing is for negotiating! If you're willing to just agree to everything she wants, then there's no need to attend the mediation in the first place (which I'm sure you'll be charged an exhorbirant fee to attend!)

 

[nextwife]

I think you need to back up and think a bit. Take a breath and really think about all this. First, she may up and move, and you may be stuck with high travel costs to see your child. Also, a 70 hr/weekly schedule cannot go on indefinately- you are asking for a heart attack or severe exhaustion. Your kid will not want that.

Do NOT lock yourself into such a schedule for the next 18 years- you will have neither the time nor energy to see your daughter.

Consider this, agree to let her keep the a house (if that is what you finally decide) IF you can split custody evenly, and that will give you more time to see your daughter. Also, do you want to end up paying for some place she moves her newest guy into? And end up supporting HIM? If you subsidize the house, I'd sure as heck put a co-habitation clause in the agreement so you aren't providing a boyfriend a house.


And perhaps retain and interest (and mmake the paymnets yourself, so you KNOW they are being made). That way, your share of equity eventually goes back to you, and potentially to your child someday (instead of maybe to a future stepdad).

Personally, I do NOT believe bad behavior like CHEATING should be REWARDED so generously. If I were alone, and hubby not around, i'd sure condider buying down to a smaller home in my neighborhood, as I'd need less space. Kiddo would still have the same school, same friends, I'd just live in a different place nearby. And remember, YOU will also now need to pay for a place to stay.

Maybe instead of subsidizing the house (and consider doing that ONLY for a year or two) consider helping to pay for a tuition assist for a two year technical school, or RE school for mom so she HAS the ability in the future to support herself!

 

[LdiJ]

I think you need to back up and think a bit. Take a breath and really think about all this. First, she may up and move, and you may be stuck with high travel costs to see your child. Also, a 70 hr/weekly schedule cannot go on indefinately- you are asking for a heart attack or severe exhaustion. Your kid will not want that.

Do NOT lock yourself into such a schedule for the next 18 years- you will have neither the time nor energy to see your daughter.

Consider this, agree to let her keep the a house (if that is what you finally decide) IF you can split custody evenly, and that will give you more time to see your daughter. Also, do you want to end up paying for some place she moves her newest guy into? And end up supporting HIM? If you subsidize the house, I'd sure as heck put a co-habitation clause in the agreement so you aren't providing a boyfriend a house.


And perhaps retain and interest (and mmake the paymnets yourself, so you KNOW they are being made). That way, your share of equity eventually goes back to you, and potentially to your child someday (instead of maybe to a future stepdad).

Personally, I do NOT believe bad behavior like CHEATING should be REWARDED so generously. If I were alone, and hubby not around, i'd sure condider buying down to a smaller home in my neighborhood, as I'd need less space. Kiddo would still have the same school, same friends, I'd just live in a different place nearby. And remember, YOU will also now need to pay for a place to stay.

Maybe instead of subsidizing the house (and consider doing that ONLY for a year or two) consider helping to pay for a tuition assist for a two year technical school, or RE school for mom so she HAS the ability in the future to support herself!

You need to remember that he is in California....with homes priced accordingly. I doubt that 2800.00 a month buys a very large home there.

At 200,000 gross....and an approximate 17% for one child, he would be looking at somewhere in the area of 34,000 a year which would just about be the mortgage payment.

 

[nextwife]

You need to remember that he is in California....with homes priced accordingly. I doubt that 2800.00 a month buys a very large home there.

DEpends on how much equity is locked up in the home. I am on a block with homes that are over a million dollars, and my monthly P&I is not even 25% of $2800/month. So one CAN live in a million dollar neighborhhod with even less than $2800/month payment,

Also, that CS payment is based upon his working 70 hours a week. Nobody should be forced to keep that up. Especially so Mom has time to run around and find men to have affairs with. WHEN would he even see his kid, as he won't any longer see them before of after work?

 

[nextwife]

You need to remember that he is in California....with homes priced accordingly. I doubt that 2800.00 a month buys a very large home there.

At 200,000 gross....and an approximate 17% for one child, he would be looking at somewhere in the area of 34,000 a year which would just about be the mortgage payment.

Yes, I know CA RE prices, I'm helping my sis buy a place now. I am in the RE field. Regardless, if they are in three bedroom now, I am sure a two bedroom would cost less and knock a chunk off the payment. I shared a room with my sis growing up, and we both grew up just fine. The point is, his wife cheated and that should NOT put him in the position of literally killing himself working so his STBXs life remains unchanged and she sits on her derrière forever. What does THAT teach his daughter? I want mine to grow up knowing that all women should be self-sufficient before they start creating children.

 

[joedirt]

Thanks for the input...

Thanks for all of the input, it was all very much appreciated.
I have decided to tell her that sure, I will agree to everything to keep her at bay. What I really do will have to wait until my attorney advises me.

-A few of you mentioned my work schedule... yes, right now, I am working over 70 hours a week, but that will change in a couple of months and I'll go to 50 or so which will be more manageable.
-The equity question came up... I have about $500k equity in our home. It is a 5 bedroom victorian, so I hate to give it up and it would be so handy for her to keep a daughter in two bedrooms and boyfriends in the others (just trying to keep a sense of humor here). If I go the route of keeping her in the house, I will definately put in a co-habitaion clause as suggested. If I say 'sell the house', then I don't think that I would have any say in who her overnight guests (with my daughters around) are. She can do whatever or whoever she wants when they aren't there, but I want to protect them with as safe and stable an enviornment that I can provide.
-I like the idea of helping her to find a trade... she has been getting by on looks and great acting ability to this point. But the looks are begining to fade, which will likely make the acting more transparent.
-Just curious if anyone knows the answer to this question: Can I lock this deal in stone? My income doubles every four or five years and while I don't mind giving my daughter as much as she needs (without spoiling her), I hate to see my soon to be ex getting some pretty serious dollars in CS in just a few years. Can I lock something in and give it an annual Cost of Living Adjustment? I'm thinking that if I can lock that in through mediation, she wouldn't be smart enough to think of the future potential. She has said 'whatever we agree upon in mediation will go up every year, you'll have to adjust for inflation' which is fine by me and is exactly what my step-daughter's biological dad did. I'm sure that if she got an attorney involved, this would never get by.

Thanks

 

[karma1]

My suggestion.....

wait to talk to your attorney and do not let her intimidate you into making a hasty decision. You are talking about a lot of "what if's" and demands on both sides that need to be addressed by a professional. And understand that although you want to stay out of court, unless a judge stamps a court order, nothing is legal or binding for either party.
I believe another poster said you did not have to attend mediation if you agree--that is a false. In CA, no matter what is intitially filed, if you have mediation assigned (in almost all cases), you HAVE to attend and it is free.
Do some more research and tell her you will not agree to anything til you talk to your attorney.

Good luck

 

[Ambr]

Regardless if you let her keep the house or you request the sale of the marital home --- you CAN put a no-cohabitation clause in the parenting plan.

It does not say that she can't EVER have over night guests, just that she can't have them when the children are in the home. Leaving her alone time, when the kids are with you, hers.

 

[LdiJ]

Regardless if you let her keep the house or you request the sale of the marital home --- you CAN put a no-cohabitation clause in the parenting plan.

It does not say that she can't EVER have over night guests, just that she can't have them when the children are in the home. Leaving her alone time, when the kids are with you, hers.

However just remember that if you get in in there...it will apply to YOU too.

And no...you can't lock in a child support amount now that would never be subject to change. Unfortunately is doesn't work that way.

 

[Phnx02]

I may be totally off base here, but My God, I can't believe someone can be married for only 3 years.....with or without children.......and be given as much as this woman demands at divorce time! If the man were a millionaire - sure - he'd have LOTs more money to throw around.....but he's only making $200K a year. Yes, this is well above the national average - but many, many people earn this and more. My G/F was married for 15 years as a stay at home mom with 2 kids, who worked part-time jobs periodically, and upon her divorce of similiar circumstances, she only got $1,200 a month in CS and $1,000 a month in alimony. The house was sold and proceeds were split. I guess it all depends on the state, the attorneys, and how willing the ex is to give.

 

[LdiJ]

I may be totally off base here, but My God, I can't believe someone can be married for only 3 years.....with or without children.......and be given as much as this woman demands at divorce time! If the man were a millionaire - sure - he'd have LOTs more money to throw around.....but he's only making $200K a year. Yes, this is well above the national average - but many, many people earn this and more. My G/F was married for 15 years as a stay at home mom with 2 kids, who worked part-time jobs periodically, and upon her divorce of similiar circumstances, she only got $1,200 a month in CS and $1,000 a month in alimony. The house was sold and proceeds were split. I guess it all depends on the state, the attorneys, and how willing the ex is to give.

If the house were sold and the proceeds split mom probably wouldn't need alimony...lol. Half of 500,000 equity would be a very nice "nest egg". Seriously though...mom is probably asking for too much....however dad's gross income is over 16,650 a month, so its not nearly as much as it sounds.

I do agree that dad can't maintain that kind of work schedule for very long...been there, done that.

 

[nextwife]

Half of 500,000 equity would be a very nice "nest egg". Seriously though...mom is probably asking for too much....however dad's gross income is over 16,650 a month, so its not nearly as much as it sounds.

Yes it IS a lot. It's not like she was the "force behind the man" while he climbed the corporate ladder. They have a two year marriage! I have old magazines that have been around longer than that.

What he has, what he makes, that occured PRIOR to the marriage has NOTHING to do with her. And, no, she is likely NOT entitled to HALF of $500,000! Betcha most of that was his BEFORE the marriage.

IF he wants mom to have a nice house for kiddo's sake, he should retain control over that "extra money" so it goes back to his kid someday- like maybe having a part of the house held by a children's trust for his kid's sake. But not just hand over a house as a reward for cheating on him!

 

[LdiJ]

Yes it IS a lot. It's not like she was the "force behind the man" while he climbed the corporate ladder. They have a two year marriage! I have old magazines that have been around longer than that.

What he has, what he makes, that occured PRIOR to the marriage has NOTHING to do with her. And, no, she is likely NOT entitled to HALF of $500,000! Betcha most of that was his BEFORE the marriage.

IF he wants mom to have a nice house for kiddo's sake, he should retain control over that "extra money" so it goes back to his kid someday- like maybe having a part of the house held by a children's trust for his kid's sake. But not just hand over a house as a reward for cheating on him!

Isn't CA a community property state?

 

[Ambr]

hours....

If dad has been working those hours for an extended period of time, then a good lawyer could convince a judge that is the "norm" for dad.

outrageous amounts......

I thought it was a given, one side demands the outrageous and the other demands the minimums and the lawyers get paid to negotiate a middle.