What do I do about this person who hates me?

[Stargate404]

California - around five years ago I had a friend who confided in me. The things she told me were quite disturbing and I feared for her safety so I reported it to the school counselor. She regarded this as a betrayal and never spoke or acknowledged me again.

6 months ago I walked into one of my favorite restaurants. I had been going there for a full year and a half before she worked there. She served the people behind me before me (it was buffet style first come first serve), cleaned the counter and only then served me. I was annoyed so I asked to speak to the manager. He levied veiled accusations of harassment and refused my request (for him to speak to his employee and ask her to be professional). I decided to boycott his business and put it out of my mind.

In the past week I've seen her (the employee) around far more often. I tried contacting her both when I found out she started working there and after the incident to try and resolve things but she blocked me. I've seen her studying at the Starbucks near my apartment which I go to frequently. I've seen her at a fast food restaurant I frequent. I've started to get very anxious when I encounter her and it causes me to relive my embarrassment of being refused service and having a manager be so rude and mean to a me, a regular customer. The fact he used to word harassment when speaking to me. Makes me think that these now frequent encounters might give her the impression I'm somehow following her.

I want this sorted out and I'm not interested in repairing relations. I'm very upset and I just want to go about my life without having to worry if she's around the next bend. I want to go to the police and file a complaint but what am I supposed to say "she won't stop being near places in near" that makes no sense but I want a paper trail and I really just don't know what to do - if I should take action against the business, take action against her, I'm so confused and I'm extremely anxious and worried when I should be worrying about school.

 

[eerelations]

She isn't doing anything illegal, ergo you have no legal recourse. There's nothing you can do to sort this out. Ignore her and try to forget about the restaurant issue. If it continues to bother you, seek therapy.

 

[Stargate404]

Honestly I'm not worried about the restaurant issue, yea it's annoying but what I'm worried about is that if she can hold a grudge for five years and refuse service - she may get it in her head to accuse me of something such as harassment for merely going about my everyday life. As I'm sure everyone here knows, mere accusations of wrong doing no matter how false can be extremely damaging THATS what I want I'm worried about and that's why I want to at least file some kind of complaint so if something does happen, I have paper work to fall back on showing that I am the one feeling harassed here (even though she's not doing anything illegal)

 

[eerelations]

Until she does something illegal (and telling her boss you were harassing her is not illegal), you have nothing to report.

 

[Stargate404]

I see, well would doing any of the following be treading on illegal ground?

A) Resume going to the restaurant regardless of whether she is working there or not purely for the purpose of getting food.

B) contacting another mutual friend about the issue and seeing if they can do anything.

 

[I'mTheFather]

To me, your reaction at the restaurant was overreaction. Seriously, to go to the manager over that? I also find it odd that you would instruct the manager to tell her to 'be professional'. i don't get that at all.

As for advice, I agree with eerelations.

 

[Stargate404]

Well it was the style of the restaurant. It's a sort of like Subway. She was the only one serving food and so she served the people in front of me, skipped me, served all the people behind me (4 other customers) looked at me, decided she's start cleaning and then after several minutes ask me "what do you want?" Instead of her response to everyone else which was "What would you like?" So yea I was kinda annoyed that for trying to help her with her problems she was treating me this way after FIVE years. Especially since I had tried contacting her before twice to make sure there wouldn't be any issues

 

[commentator]

What you need to do is see a counselor, yourself, talk to someone and start working on your issues. What you did years ago was probably the right thing. But if she didn't take it as that, there's nothing you can do about it. That's long ago. Since then, the relationship has been ended by her choice, that's what it is, and that's how you should leave it.

Don't keep cultivating the whole idea of how much you want to get this all settled and worked out and about how badly this restaurant treated you by not giving her a lot of trouble over your complaint. By the way, you have no idea of what they said to her or what she has told them. And you know what? It really doesn't matter. Just avoid this restaurant. Move forward in your own life. You cannot make another person forgive you or work out something they don't want to deal with.

So you should completely let this whole issue drop, get it out of your mind, get away, forget about it (perhaps the counselor can help you) and move on with your life. It sounds VERY much like you are the one who is keeping this alive.

I am sure that if you want to, you can avoid her. No she cannot get into her head to file some sort of complaint about you five years later---unless you give her the privilege, by actually doing something like stalking HER. It is her right to hold a grudge for what you did then if she wants to, you cannot change this. You cannot "work this out with her" if she doesn't want to work it out. If she just doesn't want anything to do with you, you comply with this, to the very best of your abilities, and the situation will work itself out.

 

[Stargate404]

*sigh* see this is what I was worried about, I go about my life and she shows up in places I frequent and now you say that she can talk legal action if I'm stalking her which would imply that I was following her to these places. If I really wanted to avoid her I could. I could stop going to the restraurants I frequent and stop going to places I've been going to for years but I honestly just want to continue with my life like normal. The thing that bugs me is for trying to help her - I'm now stuck in this crappy situation.

You guys are telling me to see a counselor/therapist but that's not the issue here, the issue is I'm worried that I'll be accused of something that I am not guilty of, which would include staking as you just suggested for going about my life as normal. I'm worried that if she does get it in her head to do something - the police and courts will take her side (because statistically the police and courts are biased towards women)

 

[Stargate404]

And to make things perfectly clear, the issue with the restraurant happened six months ago, I put it out of mind six months ago. What prompted this post is her popping up by places I frequent, first Starbucks earlier this week and yesterday at a fast food restaurant I frequent. Could I stop going to these places? Sure, but I don't want to stop going to my favorite spots just because she's there.

 

[Proserpina]

*sigh* see this is what I was worried about, I go about my life and she shows up in places I frequent and now you say that she can talk legal action if I'm stalking her which would imply that I was following her to these places. If I really wanted to avoid her I could. I could stop going to the restraurants I frequent and stop going to places I've been going to for years but I honestly just want to continue with my life like normal. The thing that bugs me is for trying to help her - I'm now stuck in this crappy situation.

Note your own words here.

You guys are telling me to see a counselor/therapist but that's not the issue here, the issue is I'm worried that I'll be accused of something that I am not guilty of, which would include staking as you just suggested for going about my life as normal. I'm worried that if she does get it in her head to do something - the police and courts will take her side (because statistically the police and courts are biased towards women)

You are the only one in control of how you act and react. Own it. Ignore her existence; avoid her. If you're in a public place it would be difficult for her to throw around wild accusations, agreed? The burden of proof would be on her if she contacted the police.

I agree with my fellow volunteers that this is actually an issue for your therapist to help you address.

 

[eerelations]

If you go to the restaurant for any purpose other than to obtain food, that would be considered stalking. So don't do that.

If you try to contact her in any way, that would be considered stalking. So don't do that.

If you get a mutual friend to intervene, that would be considered stalking. So don't do that.

Continue not doing any of the above things, and she will have nothing to tell the police about.

 

[Proserpina]

And to make things perfectly clear, the issue with the restraurant happened six months ago, I put it out of mind six months ago. What prompted this post is her popping up by places I frequent, first Starbucks earlier this week and yesterday at a fast food restaurant I frequent. Could I stop going to these places? Sure, but I don't want to stop going to my favorite spots just because she's there.

What do you want us to say? :

You're in control here. You're letting her occupy far too much of your head space.

 

[Stargate404]

Ah you guys are right, it's just it really gets me freaked out when I see her and read about the mountains of false accusations thrown around now-a-days. I try to make myself as secure as possible and sometimes that puts me in positions that are actually detrimental to my security. You are however right, I'm letting this get to me.

 

[Stargate404]

So to be clear if I go to the restaurant only for food (which is what I was doing in the first place) that would be okay? I honestly really like their food and was bummed when I had to stop going.