mammogram

[ellencee]

What is the name of your state? the Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma
Bombeck Writing Competition (1st place in Humor category
was won by Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon):

"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire. That's what happened to me.

The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister--right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body).

Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body. "Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are, perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional.

Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, "The machine's on fire" are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's YOUR MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds, trying to get free, but even Houdini
couldn't have escaped.

I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working). I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions.

But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this.
What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hachet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.

"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again.

"This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!" he said.

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine.
"Sorry! This is the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said, but I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher this time. The end.

That was a great one!

I saved this e-mail from several weeks ago. Thought it might be "cute" here (and appropriate).


> > There is a serious message at the end,
> > you get to laugh on the way to it.
> >
> > Finally, something other than smiley faces....
> >
> > Perfect breasts
> >
> > (o)(o)
> >
> >
> > Fake silicone breasts
> >
> > ( + )( + )
> >
> >
> > Perky breasts
> >
> > (*)(*)
> >
> >
> > Big nipple breasts
> >
> > (@)(@)
> >
> >
> > A cups
> >
> > o o
> >
> >
> > D cups
> >
> > { O }{ O }
> >
> >
> > Wonder bra breasts
> >
> > (oYo)
> >
> >
> > Cold breasts
> >
> > ( ^ )( ^ )
> >
> >
> > Lopsided breasts
> >
> > (o)(O)
> >
> >
> > Pierced Breasts
> >
> > (Q)(O)
> >
> >
> > Hanging Tassels Breasts
> >
> > (p)(q)
> >
> >
> > Grandma's Breasts
> >
> > \ o /\ o /
> >
> >
> > Against The Shower Door Breasts
> >
> > ( )( )
> >
> >
> > Android Breasts
> >
> > | o | | o |
> >
> >
> > Martha Stewart's Breasts
> >
> > ($)($)
> >
> >
> >
> > And God created woman and she had 3 breasts.
> > He then asked the woman,
> > "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
> > She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle
> > breast?"
> > And so it was done, and it was good.
> >
> > Then the woman exclaimed as she was
> > holding the third breast in her hand,"
> >
> > What can be done with this useless boob?"
> >
> > And God created man.
> >
> >
> >
> > OK Girls--now that you have had your laugh,
> > remember breast cancer awareness
> > -- so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy.
> >
> > NOW LAST BUT NOT LEAST THE**************
> >
> > Mammogram Breasts
> >
> > || ||
> >
> > CORRECTION
> >
> > Mammogram Breasts
> >
> > || || and = =
> >
> >
> >


hmmbrdzz

[ellencee]

I laughed so hard at the first one, I had to post share it and now this second one! I've got to print it!
Thanks for the extra laughs!

Originally posted by ellencee
I laughed so hard at the first one, I had to post share it and now this second one! I've got to print it!
Thanks for the extra laughs!

======================================

I know I sure needed the laugh you provided, and I was hoping both of us might need a good laugh between the two of us! Perhaps you can accept my apologies for being a butt over here towards you at times, (sure hope so). I guess you can say I "filed a motion" to be "bossom buddies" (and not an enemy to you)!

I'm getting ready to take advantage of this sun that just crept into the day (after weeks, it seems, of nothing but rain), and hit the garden.

Have a good day, ellencee!


hmmbrdzz

[ellencee]

apologies--yours, mine, ours--given and accepted!
I feel like a grown-up again since we put this BS behind us.
We're headed out to the flower beds and such, too and now I feel ready to get my hummingbird feeders, plants, and garden ready for spring and summer; didn't think those little birds were going to have much of a garden this year! considered never having another hummingbird fly over my property! lol! such is life---

Let me tell ya'll dis story bout deese twice (2) nurses. No dare names ain't Boudreaux and Thibodeaux!!

Nah, never mind**************.glad to see you two have not lost your sense of humor!! I printed both of those!!

Keep it up, ya'll!!

Dowop