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Abusive husband

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LoveAura

Junior Member
We live in Texas.

My sister recently married a man after five months of dating. After they married his long-time alcoholism was brought to light because he lost his job-- due to drinking on the clock several times. He had previously worked there for 11 years. He smokes marijuana for "anxiety" and can't get a job elsewhere because he won't pass a tox screen. She makes all the income and pays all his child support and bills.

Allegedly he's forced her to deposit her income into his bank account for him to dole out. He has destroyed her cell phone and the pay as you go phone she got afterward because he doesn't want her talking to people without his say. She and I work at the same location though not together: she recently had to defend herself to our boss for a sub par 90 day evaluation. The exchange happened via email, the husband read it and did not appreciate her sharing information about how difficult he's made her life so he cut the wiring so that no one in the home (she has five children in the home also, one an adult) has internet access anymore. She used to get injections for migraines until he found out our nurse is male -- she is now forbidden to get the injections and she's missed a lot of work because of pain.. hence the undesirable work eval. He also now drives her and the other family members to and from wherever they need to go but otherwise the vehicle is strictly for his own use. She's asked him to leave but he says since his name is on the lease and her money belongs to him, he's going nowhere.

She called me today from work and left a series of voice mails about these struggles and said she's made changes to her life insurance etc so that the kids will be taken care of "when I'm gone," that this is the "worst mistake" etc. I went by her house but she was gone. With her husband. Her kids didn't know where. Earlier this week my adult niece had complained about the husband's behavior. Her phone belongs to her and not the family so he did not destroy her phone and I drove her around to look at some apartments because she said she wanted to move out. I didn't know things were this dire.

My sister needs to divorce him and get a restraining order... but he's never physically hurt her. We live in a very small town and I don't know what resources are here or how to find them. What should she do? Am I able to intervene in any way or is this just legally her battle?
 


Silverplum

Senior Member
We live in Texas.

My sister recently married a man after five months of dating. After they married his long-time alcoholism was brought to light because he lost his job-- due to drinking on the clock several times. He had previously worked there for 11 years. He smokes marijuana for "anxiety" and can't get a job elsewhere because he won't pass a tox screen. She makes all the income and pays all his child support and bills.

Allegedly he's forced her to deposit her income into his bank account for him to dole out. He has destroyed her cell phone and the pay as you go phone she got afterward because he doesn't want her talking to people without his say. She and I work at the same location though not together: she recently had to defend herself to our boss for a sub par 90 day evaluation. The exchange happened via email, the husband read it and did not appreciate her sharing information about how difficult he's made her life so he cut the wiring so that no one in the home (she has five children in the home also, one an adult) has internet access anymore. She used to get injections for migraines until he found out our nurse is male -- she is now forbidden to get the injections and she's missed a lot of work because of pain.. hence the undesirable work eval. He also now drives her and the other family members to and from wherever they need to go but otherwise the vehicle is strictly for his own use. She's asked him to leave but he says since his name is on the lease and her money belongs to him, he's going nowhere.

She called me today from work and left a series of voice mails about these struggles and said she's made changes to her life insurance etc so that the kids will be taken care of "when I'm gone," that this is the "worst mistake" etc. I went by her house but she was gone. With her husband. Her kids didn't know where. Earlier this week my adult niece had complained about the husband's behavior. Her phone belongs to her and not the family so he did not destroy her phone and I drove her around to look at some apartments because she said she wanted to move out. I didn't know things were this dire.

My sister needs to divorce him and get a restraining order... but he's never physically hurt her. We live in a very small town and I don't know what resources are here or how to find them. What should she do? Am I able to intervene in any way or is this just legally her battle?
You have no basis to "intervene," legally. It's her battle, these are her choices and decisions.

But here is TX self-help divorce info: http://texaslawhelp.org/

And domestic violence prevention info: http://www.tcfv.org/
http://www.texasadvocacyproject.org/
http://avda-tx.org/
 
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not2cleverRed

Obvious Observer
We live in Texas.

My sister recently married a man after five months of dating. After they married his long-time alcoholism was brought to light because he lost his job-- due to drinking on the clock several times. He had previously worked there for 11 years. He smokes marijuana for "anxiety" and can't get a job elsewhere because he won't pass a tox screen. She makes all the income and pays all his child support and bills.

Allegedly he's forced her to deposit her income into his bank account for him to dole out. He has destroyed her cell phone and the pay as you go phone she got afterward because he doesn't want her talking to people without his say. She and I work at the same location though not together: she recently had to defend herself to our boss for a sub par 90 day evaluation. The exchange happened via email, the husband read it and did not appreciate her sharing information about how difficult he's made her life so he cut the wiring so that no one in the home (she has five children in the home also, one an adult) has internet access anymore. She used to get injections for migraines until he found out our nurse is male -- she is now forbidden to get the injections and she's missed a lot of work because of pain.. hence the undesirable work eval. He also now drives her and the other family members to and from wherever they need to go but otherwise the vehicle is strictly for his own use. She's asked him to leave but he says since his name is on the lease and her money belongs to him, he's going nowhere.

She called me today from work and left a series of voice mails about these struggles and said she's made changes to her life insurance etc so that the kids will be taken care of "when I'm gone," that this is the "worst mistake" etc. I went by her house but she was gone. With her husband. Her kids didn't know where. Earlier this week my adult niece had complained about the husband's behavior. Her phone belongs to her and not the family so he did not destroy her phone and I drove her around to look at some apartments because she said she wanted to move out. I didn't know things were this dire.

My sister needs to divorce him and get a restraining order... but he's never physically hurt her. We live in a very small town and I don't know what resources are here or how to find them. What should she do? Am I able to intervene in any way or is this just legally her battle?
Hopefully they're back home now.

Remind her: there's this thing called the Emancipation Proclamation. It's in the Constitution, and regardless of how your brother-in-law feels about the outcome of the War Between the States, it applies to TX and your sister.

Listen to Silver's advice. You can't make your sister do anything; only she can leave.

What you can do is let her know you're there for her, no matter what, and encourage her to make steps in the right direction. She needs to feel less ashamed about making a mistake, and realize that if she doesn't stand up for herself it certainly won't get better.

He might not be hitting her, but he is destroying her property and controlling her money and who she associates with, which is a form of abuse.
 
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Silverplum

Senior Member
Hopefully they're back home now.

Remind her: there's this thing called the Emancipation Proclamation. It's in the Constitution, and regardless of how your brother-in-law feels about the outcome of the War Between the States, it applies to TX and your sister.

Listen to Pro's advice. You can't make your sister do anything; only she can leave.

What you can do is let her know you're there for her, no matter what, and encourage her to make steps in the right direction. She needs to feel less ashamed about making a mistake, and realize that if she doesn't stand up for herself it certainly won't get better.

He might not be hitting her, but he is destroying her property and controlling her money and who she associates with, which is a form of abuse.
I'm not Lisa,
My name is Julie...
Lisa left you
years ago...

;)
 

anearthw

Member
Aside from the above advice, this just my experience (dealing in the mental health and DV field) and in no way a certainty, but her behavior also mirrors typical behavior when one gets involved with a substance abusing partner and starts using substances themselves. Are you aware of whether or not your sister is using as well? That does not exclude domestic abuse, but those are very peculiar behaviors for such a new relationship/marriage with a substance user. If there are minor children involved, you may have to use your judgement as to getting authorities involved, even if she refuses to seek help.
 

LoveAura

Junior Member
I don't know for CERTAIN my sister isn't using, however, she is subject to random drug testing in our field. She also takes a lot of medication for her health (aside from just injections for migraines) and I know specifically that alcohol really messes that up. She could be smoking weed.

All I know as far as her mindset is that she left a long time partner for this man after an affair started. "I've made my bed" kind of thing. He's also got a two year old son that she cares for and is unwilling to abandon. In the past she has been dependent on family members to bail her out, even so far as to move her to georgia from texas without her cooperation, in order to "save" her from her own careless choices. I can't sweep in and save her but I feel like if we can get the process started she would go through with it.

I worry about the suicidal ideation and I worry about her children not having access to their mother. He is with her every second. He escorts her to the bathroom and waits for her at the door. The more I hear from her kids the more I am sickened.

She has three minor children technically, a fourth child has a mental health/developmental delay diagnosis and he's not competent. I don't know if that counts. If it is possible to get authorities involved on behalf of her kids, to what extent would this change things and how would one go about doing this? What would it entail? No one in the family can house the kids together, so if they were removed from the home... eh, that's an undesirable outcome too.
 

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