Adultery As Grounds After Marital Relations

[Betrayed7]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

I discovered my wife in an affair last week. I am contemplating filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery and seeking custody of my three children (teens)

She is desperate to reconcile and I am not totally deaf to it. But I have read that if 'marital relations" recommence, one can not then use adultery as grounds? I'd like to keep the adultery grounds if I can and go that route if I file.

Is there a way to get around that? If I file using adultery, and subsequently have "marital relations" do I lose the adultery as grounds? And is there some interim file/notice whatever that would keep it non-public?

 

[Farfalla]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

I discovered my wife in an affair last week. I am contemplating filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery and seeking custody of my three children (teens)

She is desperate to reconcile and I am not totally deaf to it. But I have read that if 'marital relations" recommence, one can not then use adultery as grounds? I'd like to keep the adultery grounds if I can and go that route if I file.

Is there a way to get around that? If I file using adultery, and subsequently have "marital relations" do I lose the adultery as grounds? And is there some interim file/notice whatever that would keep it non-public?

What advantages do you think it will give you to file based on adultery?

Do you have concrete proof of her adultery?

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Generally, if you knew your spouse committed adultery but continued to live and cohabit with your spouse, then adultery cannot be used as a ground. Once you resume marital relations, after you learned of the adulterous act, the courts feel that you have forgiven, or "condoned," the act. But, if your spouse starts having affairs again, you can then sue on grounds of adultery. Or, if your spouse has had several affairs and you knew of and condoned only one, you may file on adultery regarding the newly discovered affairs. In New Jersey, however, condonation does not necessarily bar the action for divorce; it now only a "factor for consideration."

http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/nj/njdivexpln.htm#Adultery

 

[>Charlotte<]

Are you aware that you don't need the adultery to have grounds for divorce? Even if you reconcile, you are not prohibited from divorcing your wife at any point in the future.

If you're using the adultery as leverage to keep custody of your children, I'm not aware of any law that specifies any sort of time limit, but whomever makes the final decision on that will probably wonder why it was a forgivable offense to you at one point, but now all of a sudden it's not. The credibility of the motive will probably come into play.

 

[Farfalla]

Are you aware that you don't need the adultery to have grounds for divorce? Even if you reconcile, you are not prohibited from divorcing your wife at any point in the future.

If you're using the adultery as leverage to keep custody of your children, I'm not aware of any law that specifies any sort of time limit, but whomever makes the final decision on that will probably wonder why it was a forgivable offense to you at one point, but now all of a sudden it's not. The credibility of the motive will probably come into play.

Apparently adultery will not help with custody either unless he can show that it has a had negative affect on the children. And I assume that is more than the normal negative affect of a family falling apart.

 

[Betrayed7]

Part of the reason for wanting to file as adultery is my psyche -- even if we reconcile, which is likely, i don't want to have gone down as a cuckold, and I actually think it will aid my ability to patch things up.

The question is, "how" public is a filing like that? I don't want to taint her name forever, I guess, despite the pain she has given me, assuming we reconcile.

If I file and withdraw, I suppose I can not put adultery as the grounds but say I would have used it in custody.

She brought the guy secretly around my kids like 20 times, and they had sex in my house, so, to me that's a case.

(PS: see why I don't want to go down quietly?)

 

[Farfalla]

Whatever you file is public record. It will always be there.

Having dealt with an adulterous spouse I can understand your hurt. But the harder you go after her, the less chance you have to reconcile. If you want a divorce get one. If you want to reconcile than you need to look deeply at your marriage and find out where the huge crack happened and fix it. “Punishing her’ is not going to fix it. (Just my input based on my life experience.. take it or leave it as you will )

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Before you act on ANYTHING, you may want to talk with a counselor. You sound very hurt; rightfully so.

Regardless of anything, this is the mother of your children. when you put down their mother, you are putting down half the genes of your children.

What was done was wrong. But don't act foolishly since sometimes we cannot undo our foolishness and only hurt the children the most.

 

[>Charlotte<]

Apparently adultery will not help with custody either unless he can show that it has a had negative affect on the children. And I assume that is more than the normal negative affect of a family falling apart.

I didn't mean to imply that adultery would have any legal bearing on custody (I don't know if it would or not), my post was poorly worded. I was only wondering why OP seems to insist on keeping the adultery as an option, followed by my suggestion that there is no "time limit" on those grounds.

Although I do believe that, depending on the nature of the adultery, Mommy's little indiscretions could very well be symptomatic of a lifestyle that would give OP quite a lot of leverage in a custody issue.

 

[Farfalla]

I didn't mean to imply that adultery would have any legal bearing on custody (I don't know if it would or not), my post was poorly worded. I was only wondering why OP seems to insist on keeping the adultery as an option, followed by my suggestion that there is no "time limit" on those grounds.

Although I do believe that, depending on the nature of the adultery, Mommy's little indiscretions could very well be symptomatic of a lifestyle that would give OP quite a lot of leverage in a custody issue.

This is all I know....

"In New Jersey, adultery may impact custody if the adultery is proven to have harmed or impaired the children."

New Jersey Divorce Law

 

[>Charlotte<]

Wow. According to that link:

Adultery is sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than the spouse. In New Jersey, neither cunnilingus nor fellatio, which the law defines as sodomy, is a ground for divorce and generally neither is considered adultery.

For some reason, I apparently think that's funny because it made me laugh.

 

[Farfalla]

Wow. According to that link:

Adultery is sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than the spouse. In New Jersey, neither cunnilingus nor fellatio, which the law defines as sodomy, is a ground for divorce and generally neither is considered adultery.

For some reason, I apparently think that's funny because it made me laugh.

Yea i read that too.... made me think of some high profile case a few years ago

 

[LdiJ]

Part of the reason for wanting to file as adultery is my psyche -- even if we reconcile, which is likely, i don't want to have gone down as a cuckold, and I actually think it will aid my ability to patch things up.

The question is, "how" public is a filing like that? I don't want to taint her name forever, I guess, despite the pain she has given me, assuming we reconcile.

If I file and withdraw, I suppose I can not put adultery as the grounds but say I would have used it in custody.

She brought the guy secretly around my kids like 20 times, and they had sex in my house, so, to me that's a case.

(PS: see why I don't want to go down quietly?)

Someone else suggested counseling, and I am going to suggest marriage counseling. If you go into a reconciliation with the idea that somehow she has to be punished your reconciliation may very well fail.

Your kids are going to need to see a counselor too. Your screaming session with you and the three teenagers trying to force your wife to leave the house, is going to have an ongoing impact on them. They never should have known about this.

 

[Betrayed7]

Well, I talked to a marital attornet and got a wake up call. She'd probably get the kids plus spousal support, so I'm probably not wise to make her lawyer up and hear that.

<sigh> God this sucks so bad....

 

[Ohiogal]

Well, I talked to a marital attornet and got a wake up call. She'd probably get the kids plus spousal support, so I'm probably not wise to make her lawyer up and hear that.

<sigh> God this sucks so bad....

Why would she get spousal support?

 

[penelope10]

Just a thought. Do the grounds for a divorce have to be adultery in order to bring up adulterous behavior in court?(Since Op seems somewhat interested in trying to work out things with the ex and , in reality, he may be filing simply as a wake up call for the spouse).

As a spouse whose ex didn't "behave" himself during the end of the marriage, I had the choice to file under adultery or otherwise. I chose the otherwise. (And while my kiddos weren't around the dating situation, they knew the paramour. My eldest worked in Dad's office pt around the lady). This lady decided to send a dozen red roses to my now ex at our home. Eldest was at home when the flowers were delivered. Thought they were from her bf, opened the card, and surprise!

Needless to say I was a little upset. Had no idea this was going on myself, and had to deal with an extremely upset child. However, the damage was done. Rather than rake Dad over the coals publicly in court, I chose to use a different grounds to file for. Believe it or not, it was kind of a amicable divorce.

So if this be a question of gaining "leverage" for custody etc.(if indeed this does end up in the dissolution of the marriage) does the petition have to say the grounds for divorce is adultery? (In other words these behaviors cannot be brought up unless the grounds for filing for divorce so states). After all, it's my understanding that this information becomes part of the public record. Just for the kiddos' sake, I wouldn't want just "anyone" to have access to this information.