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  1. #1
    irish_blue_eyes is offline Junior Member
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    Alcoholic, mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive....Should I file first?

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
    Texas

    I plan on getting a divorce from my alcoholic husband of 3 yrs (common-law for at least 5 yrs before that). He can be verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive at times. I have one 3.5 year old daughter. She is starting to be affected by him.

    We live in an extended stay hotel (his choice - but in my name because he does not have a valid DL or ID) and have one car in my name. I have a job and all of us are on insurance through this job.

    I did leave him once last year and went to a shelter - had no job and no money.

    Should I file before I leave him or just leave him first? I don't want him to try and take my (our) daughter.

    Don't really have any money saved up right now for a lawyer. Plan on seeing if I can move back in with parents, but they don't believe in divorce and probably won't let me stay.

    I'm scared to leave and scared more to stay.

    Again, should I file first or leave? If I just leave, how do I make sure he doesn't take my daughter and leave the country with her.

    I don't know what to do!!!!
  2. #2
    summerdawn is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by irish_blue_eyes View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
    Texas

    I plan on getting a divorce from my alcoholic husband of 3 yrs (common-law for at least 5 yrs before that). He can be verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive at times. I have one 3.5 year old daughter. She is starting to be affected by him.

    We live in an extended stay hotel (his choice - but in my name because he does not have a valid DL or ID) and have one car in my name. I have a job and all of us are on insurance through this job.

    I did leave him once last year and went to a shelter - had no job and no money.

    Should I file before I leave him or just leave him first? I don't want him to try and take my (our) daughter.

    Don't really have any money saved up right now for a lawyer. Plan on seeing if I can move back in with parents, but they don't believe in divorce and probably won't let me stay.

    I'm scared to leave and scared more to stay.

    Again, should I file first or leave? If I just leave, how do I make sure he doesn't take my daughter and leave the country with her.

    I don't know what to do!!!!
    Hi. Since your main concern is about yoru daughter, you could post this instead to the child custody & visitation forum, and see if you get more responses there. It seems much more active than this forum.

    Sorry that I can not give you advice myself aside from the above suggestion, I am not a legal professional.
  3. #3
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
    Texas

    I plan on getting a divorce from my alcoholic husband of 3 yrs (common-law for at least 5 yrs before that).
    WRONG. You were not common law married for five years before you got married three years ago. You have been married for THREE YEARS.

    He can be verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive at times. I have one 3.5 year old daughter. She is starting to be affected by him.
    What proof do you have that he is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive? I notice you have not alleged PHYSICAL abuse.

    We live in an extended stay hotel (his choice - but in my name because he does not have a valid DL or ID) and have one car in my name. I have a job and all of us are on insurance through this job.
    How long have you lived in an extended stay hotel? Does he work? When was the car bought? How was it paid for?


    I did leave him once last year and went to a shelter - had no job and no money.
    When did you come back? Why?

    Should I file before I leave him or just leave him first? I don't want him to try and take my (our) daughter.
    The child was born before the marriage? Did he sign the AOP? While you work where does your (plural) child stay?

    Don't really have any money saved up right now for a lawyer. Plan on seeing if I can move back in with parents, but they don't believe in divorce and probably won't let me stay.
    Where do your parents live?



    I'm scared to leave and scared more to stay.
    Okay.
    Again, should I file first or leave? If I just leave, how do I make sure he doesn't take my daughter and leave the country with her.

    Does your child have a passport? Why do you believe he will leave the country? Does he have notarized permission to leave the country with the child? What country would he go to? Why do you think that?
    I don't know what to do!!!!
    First answer my questions.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  4. #4
    irish_blue_eyes is offline Junior Member
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    To Answer your questions

    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    What proof do you have that he is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive? I notice you have not alleged PHYSICAL abuse.

    I don't have any. He is only this way when we are around other people (besides his family). His family knows he can get mean when he drinks, but they don't care.


    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    How long have you lived in an extended stay hotel? Does he work? When was the car bought? How was it paid for?
    We have lived there since October. Yes, he does work. The car, I believe, was bought two years ago. We both paid my parents for the car.


    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    When did you come back? Why?
    I was gone for a little over a week. My husband went to meetings every day (and when I did come back still went to meetings for a few months.) I know that wasn't very much time, but between everything I felt I had to come back. I came back for various of reasons the most important one was because I was told that he could have filed and got full custody of our daughter, because I didn't let him see her. I felt that my parents were pressuring me to stay married with words like "The Bible says no divorce" or "God doesn't believe in divorce". I was working for a temp agency and the shelter I lived in didn't understand that I needed to have outside babysitting in place - they only had babysitting during certain hours of the day (not enough to work in an office) - because that the agency could call me the day before. I was scared that my husband would follow through with his threat to kill himself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    The child was born before the marriage? Did he sign the AOP? While you work where does your (plural) child stay?
    Yes, our daughter was born in June, we were married in October. I'm not sure what the AOP is, but he did sign papers saying he is the father. He is also on the birth certificte. Our daughter stays with my mom. If my mom can't watch her she stays either with my sister or sometimes his sister (my sister-in-law).

    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    Where do your parents live?
    less than 10 minutes from where we live

    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    Does your child have a passport? Why do you believe he will leave the country? Does he have notarized permission to leave the country with the child? What country would he go to? Why do you think that?
    First off, I think I let my emotions get ahold of me yesterday. No my daughter does not have a passport and my husband can't leave the country. I just don't want him to try and take our daughter. Don't get me wrong, I want him to have visitation rights. I just want to have physical custody (?) and have her living with me most of the time.
    Last edited by irish_blue_eyes; 01-08-2009 at 08:06 AM.
  5. #5
    mistoffolees is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by irish_blue_eyes View Post
    First off, I think I let my emotions get ahold of me yesterday. No my daughter does not have a passport and my husband can't leave the country (no passport or valid id). I just don't want him to try and take our daughter. Don't get me wrong, I want him to have visitation rights and for him to see her whenever he would like to (within reason). I just want to have physical custody (?) and have her living with me most of the time.
    OK. Keeping all the emotional stuff out (which you'll need to learn to do in the process)...your situation is not very different from dozens that have been posted here.

    The situation you have to deal with is that the court will do its best to do whatever is in the best interest of the child. One parent taking the child away from the other is clearly not good.

    I would advise that you talk with an attorney before doing anything. Many will give initial consultations free and you can sometimes arrange for the attorney to accept his payment from marital assets when they are split, so you MAY not have to spend much (or any) money up front.

    Unless your attorney suggests otherwise:
    1. If you want a divorce, file for divorce. Ask the judge for temporary possession of the marital residence (although this may not be an issue unless you've signed a longer term lease) and temporary physical custody. Be prepared to explain why it is in the child's best interest for that to happen (for example, if you've been the primary caregiver, then it will generally be in the best interest of the child to stay with you).

    Do NOT just leave. I don't know how your particular court will view it, but in almost all cases, if you just leave the child with the father and go somewhere else, it can have very bad consequences on custody. First, the court figures you don't care enough about the child to stay. Second, you lose any argument you might make about the other person being an unfit parent (if they're such a bad parent, why did you leave the child with them?).

    2. Ask the court for temporary orders that the child not be moved out of state - aside from short term visits of a week or less (or however you want to word this. You may simply say no taking the child out of state at all. My ex had an order that she couldn't take the children out of the COUNTY).

    3. Be prepared to justify why the permanent custody should be awarded to you. Your saying that your stbx is abusive is worthless. You need evidence other than your word. If that's not possible, you may wish to ask for a custody evaluation. Again, argue this from the child's perspective, NOT what's best for you.

    4. Prepare for your life post-divorce. After a 3 year marriage, you're not going to get alimony. So how are you going to support yourself? Get your affairs in order so you are working and making enough to support you and your child. Then, figure out where you're going to live.

    5. The car is marital property. One of you will get it and the other will be reimbursed for half of its value. Figure out whether you want the car and you pay him half its value or vice versa. Then figure out what you're going to do for transportation (and child care) going forward.

    Good luck.
  6. #6
    irish_blue_eyes is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by mistoffolees View Post
    Do NOT just leave. I don't know how your particular court will view it, but in almost all cases, if you just leave the child with the father and go somewhere else, it can have very bad consequences on custody. First, the court figures you don't care enough about the child to stay. Second, you lose any argument you might make about the other person being an unfit parent (if they're such a bad parent, why did you leave the child with them?). .
    I would never just leave - what I meant is leave with my daughter. I figured that I probably shouldn't just take her either. That might look bad in the courts "eyes".

    Quote Originally Posted by mistoffolees View Post
    4. Prepare for your life post-divorce. After a 3 year marriage, you're not going to get alimony. So how are you going to support yourself? Get your affairs in order so you are working and making enough to support you and your child. Then, figure out where you're going to live.
    I have a great perminant job that I can support my daughter and myself. As of now, I am looking for an apartment that I can afford without struggling.

    Quote Originally Posted by mistoffolees View Post
    5. The car is marital property. One of you will get it and the other will be reimbursed for half of its value. Figure out whether you want the car and you pay him half its value or vice versa. Then figure out what you're going to do for transportation (and child care) going forward.
    So I guess it doesn't matter whether or not he has a driver's license? Would the value be the blue book value or what we paid for it?

    And if I still wanted my mom to watch her, would that be ok?

    Quote Originally Posted by mistoffolees View Post
    Good luck.
    Thanks again for your help.
  7. #7
    djenn434 is offline Junior Member
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    Your married and have a kid**************you should have made better decisions on you who married and had kids with, either way your kid is going to be affected. I'd say try to work it out, go see a marriage counseling or soemthing.
  8. #8
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    I would never just leave - what I meant is leave with my daughter. I figured that I probably shouldn't just take her either. That might look bad in the courts "eyes".
    It could look bad. However you need to realize that she is not "my daughter" -- she is YOUR (plural) child.
    I have a great perminant job that I can support my daughter and myself. As of now, I am looking for an apartment that I can afford without struggling.
    Have you tried credit counseling? Because if you can afford a weekly hotel room then you should be able to afford a cheap apartment.

    So I guess it doesn't matter whether or not he has a driver's license? Would the value be the blue book value or what we paid for it?
    The value would be blue book value in present condition.

    And if I still wanted my mom to watch her, would that be ok?
    If he agrees there is not a problem.

    A few things you need to realize:

    Dad will have a right to custody and visitation and someone will most likely be paying the other child support. Dad will have the child unsupervised unless you can PROVE with admissible evidence that he is an immediate danger to the child. Doesn't sound like you can. Who was the primary caregiver of the child? Who was with the child most? Who was the one who took the child to the doctor and what not?
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  9. #9
    Silverplum is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by djenn434 View Post
    Your married and have a kid**************you should have made better decisions on you who married and had kids with, either way your kid is going to be affected. I'd say try to work it out, go see a marriage counseling or soemthing.

    How very thrilling to hear from the newbie who posted this:

    Quote Originally Posted by djenn434 View Post
    I'm going through the same thing you did. I got pulled over and charged with having over 1.4 grams ina motor vehicle but I know for a fact there was not that much in the bag. I was just wondering what happened with you? Also, the police came up to my car, opened my door, told me to get out, then started searching the car without my consent. Know anything about that? And if there was a less charge for having under 1.4 grams in a motor vehicle, what would thecharge be? Thanks.
    [url]http://forum.freeadvice.com/drug-charges-28/mn-possession-mv-441628.html#post2136026[/url]

    How 'bout this, newbie: you handle your problems, and the poster here will handle hers. Mmmmkay?
  10. #10
    irish_blue_eyes is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    Dad will have a right to custody and visitation and someone will most likely be paying the other child support. Dad will have the child unsupervised unless you can PROVE with admissible evidence that he is an immediate danger to the child. Doesn't sound like you can. Who was the primary caregiver of the child? Who was with the child most? Who was the one who took the child to the doctor and what not?
    I want him to have visitation, etc. That is as long as he doesn't get drunk when he has her. I'm not saying he's a danger to her, he just drinks too much sometimes.

    My mom spends all day with her, etc. On the weekends, our daughter and I go shopping or etc. Sometimes, he works or does side jobs. Sometimes we all go shopping or stay home. I sometimes will go out one day a week (shopping or spending time with co-workers hanging out) It's about 50/50.

    If it is a regular check up or an non emergency, my mom used to take her to the doctor. When she was little, I went with them a lot. My husband can't stand when she gets hurt - even minor bumps he will leave the room. So I take care of this.

    I have insurance for her, so either I go or sign a waiver saying my mom can take her. I try to find doctors open on weekends, but that is hard to do. Now, in case of an emergency I will go or take her to the hospital or doctors.
  11. #11
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    I want him to have visitation, etc. That is as long as he doesn't get drunk when he has her. I'm not saying he's a danger to her, he just drinks too much sometimes
    .


    What proof do you have that he drinks too much around her? Does he have DUIs? Public intox charges?

    My mom spends all day with her, etc. On the weekends, our daughter and I go shopping or etc. Sometimes, he works or does side jobs. Sometimes we all go shopping or stay home. I sometimes will go out one day a week (shopping or spending time with co-workers hanging out) It's about 50/50.
    Then he has equal footing to get primary custody.

    If it is a regular check up or an non emergency, my mom used to take her to the doctor. When she was little, I went with them a lot. My husband can't stand when she gets hurt - even minor bumps he will leave the room. So I take care of this.
    Why wouldn't a parent take her? Did your mother have a POA?

    I have insurance for her, so either I go or sign a waiver saying my mom can take her. I try to find doctors open on weekends, but that is hard to do. Now, in case of an emergency I will go or take her to the hospital or doctors.
    Which really doesn't help much. You and dad are looking at being tied for primary custody.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  12. #12
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    I am going to weigh in my two cents. Which will be a little different than what you have heard so far.

    You absolutely CAN leave with your daughter. You absolutely should not leave without her. It will only look bad if you don't allow her father to see her, and even that isn't an absolute if circumstances are serious/dangerous enough that you shouldn't let him see her. However if that is the case, then you should immediately rush to court and try to convince a judge to agree with you. You would need to be proactive. If the judge doesn't agree with you, then you follow whatever the judge orders.

    If you keep living with a mean drunk, the odds are that eventually its not going to stop at verbal abuse, its going to get physical. If that happens then do not be one of those stupid women who doesn't call the police.

    You may simply end up with orders that state that he isn't to drink when he has the child. If that happens it may be difficult to enforce, but you will have to live with that.
  13. #13
    irish_blue_eyes is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks and to answer a question.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    . What proof do you have that he drinks too much around her? Does he have DUIs? Public intox charges? .
    He doesn't drink and drive. He does have medical records (at a local hospital) on the drinking. Also, the doctor he goes to and the pharmacist at the pharmacy we usually get our prescriptions all know he can drink way too much.

    I don't want to have to use this against him per say. I guess I could ask for a claus saying he can't drink when he has her.

    Anyways, thanks for all your help. I appreciate all who gave advice. I decided that I got to let go of the emotions - which I will be working on.

    Thanks Again, Irish Blue Eyes

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