Allegations of Same Sex Adultery

[WestHall]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ct

I am starting to research the divorce process for a long overdue divorce. I have been married for 16 years and am a sahm to 4 children, ages 8, 9, 11 and 13.

I left work after my first child was born (now 13 years ago). Recently, I started to discuss going back to work and H was hostile about this. Very resistant to my working, calling it "selfish" even though my children are in school much of the year. In addition, he has been putting checks made out in both of our names into his own account and only puts a minimal amount of money in our joint account. This is the only money to which I have access and I feel severaly limited.

We have had long standing problems in our marriage, going back to the first couple of years when we were in counseling.

My H has noticed me distancing myself from him and has confronted me on the lack of sex. I told him that I feel controlled, and am upset with the inequities in our relationship and confided that I'd even spoken with an attorney.

Now that he is aware that I am seriously considering divorce, he has decided that I am in a lesbian relationship with someone I met a few years ago. When I first became friends with this woman, I discussed my new friendship openly with him. He, however, does not want me to have new friendships or friendships with women who are not married. He is very controlling about my friendships and social activities despite the fact that I've been a very actively engaged stay at home mother for 13 years.

I admit that I have spent time with this friend without his knowledge. I have not had a sexual relationship with her, but feel a close frieindship as she has been most supportive and has a different perspective on things (we live in a very conservative/religious community). My H is quite determined to use adultery as a ground for both decreasing alimony and for messing with custody (I don't know how he'd have the children without turning them over to a full time nanny as he chooses to work insane hours even though he owns his own business.)

Has anyone ever heard of such cases? I am quite blown away by this. I am amazed at how things can be taken out of context. What are the adultery "laws" in ct. and how is it defined? How would he "prove" to a judge that this is adultery?

Thanks in advance.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ct

I am starting to research the divorce process for a long overdue divorce. I have been married for 16 years and am a sahm to 4 children, ages 8, 9, 11 and 13.

I left work after my first child was born (now 13 years ago). Recently, I started to discuss going back to work and H was hostile about this. Very resistant to my working, calling it "selfish" even though my children are in school much of the year. In addition, he has been putting checks made out in both of our names into his own account and only puts a minimal amount of money in our joint account. This is the only money to which I have access and I feel severaly limited.

We have had long standing problems in our marriage, going back to the first couple of years when we were in counseling.

My H has noticed me distancing myself from him and has confronted me on the lack of sex. I told him that I feel controlled, and am upset with the inequities in our relationship and confided that I'd even spoken with an attorney.

Now that he is aware that I am seriously considering divorce, he has decided that I am in a lesbian relationship with someone I met a few years ago. When I first became friends with this woman, I discussed my new friendship openly with him. He, however, does not want me to have new friendships or friendships with women who are not married. He is very controlling about my friendships and social activities despite the fact that I've been a very actively engaged stay at home mother for 13 years.

I admit that I have spent time with this friend without his knowledge. I have not had a sexual relationship with her, but feel a close frieindship as she has been most supportive and has a different perspective on things (we live in a very conservative/religious community). My H is quite determined to use adultery as a ground for both decreasing alimony and for messing with custody (I don't know how he'd have the children without turning them over to a full time nanny as he chooses to work insane hours even though he owns his own business.)

Has anyone ever heard of such cases? I am quite blown away by this. I am amazed at how things can be taken out of context. What are the adultery "laws" in ct. and how is it defined? How would he "prove" to a judge that this is adultery?

Thanks in advance.

You need to get yourself an attorney and stop listening to your husband. You need to beg or borrow the money to do so, or find and attorney who is willing to be paid out of marital assets once they are divided.

It would be up to your husband to prove adultery...if adultery even matters in CT.

 

[mistoffolees]

You need to get yourself an attorney and stop listening to your husband. You need to beg or borrow the money to do so, or find and attorney who is willing to be paid out of marital assets once they are divided.

It would be up to your husband to prove adultery...if adultery even matters in CT.

Adultery does matter in CT. It can be used as one of the grounds for divorce (although there are also no-fault grounds). More importantly, adultery can affect both property division and spousal support in CT. Without adultery, OP would almost certainly be entitled to some level of spousal support. Adultery could eliminate that. Adultery should not, in theory, affect custody in most states, but if the behavior is visible to the children, it can. In addition, there are some very conservative judges in many locations who would take adultery into account.

It is correct that the husband would have to prove adultery. There are a couple of unique features here. First, in some states, homosexual activities (even if they really DID occur) are not legally adultery. I found one reference that says that CT law defines adultery as sex between a married man and a woman other than his spouse, so adultery wouldn't apply (however, I didn't look very hard and that was a questionable source, so make sure to confirm this with a CT attorney). The other factor is that in most states, adultery doesn't actually have to be proven. If a man spends the night in a woman's home, that may be enough evidence - even if both the man and woman state that nothing happened.

So, yes, it is critical to get a good attorney. The next few months will be critical in OP's future. There are obviously a lot more details, but the most likely scenario is that OP files for divorce, requests temporary possession of the marital home, requests temporary custody of the children, and requests temporary spousal support while the divorce is pending.

In the end, the most common scenario is that OP would receive half of all marital assets (depending on the circumstances, this could include the value of the business). She can certainly make a strong case for primary physical custody (my personal advice is to not fight too much over trying to get sole legal custody. Ask for it, but then be willing to back down to joint legal custody. In most cases, legal custody isn't really all that meaningful and it gives stbx a 'win' on something relatively unimportant).

16 year marriage, 4 children, SAHM at husband's request because he's working very long hours suggest that spousal support might well be awarded for several years after the divorce, but again, there are a lot more details that affect that.

Until OP has talked with an attorney, I'd suggest limiting contact with the 'other woman' to public situations, phone calls, etc. I would NOT spend the night there under any circumstances. That may be overly cautious, but there is too much at stake to risk losing everything. Your attorney will give you more specific advice. If you need someone to talk to, do it by phone - or see a professional counselor.

And time to start thinking about how you're going to support yourself. Even if you get child support AND spousal support (and many self-employed people are good at avoiding that), that won't last forever. You are likely to be in good shape for 3-5 years, but what about after that? Maybe going back to school to prepare for your own career?

 

[WestHall]

Thank you both. Yes, I have a lawyer and my parents will give me money for the process. I've also been told I need a forensic accountant, so this will not be inexpensive.

I have not yet retained the attorney as I'm waiting to work up the courage to file...so until then I can only speak with the attorney on an hourly basis. I have done this for a couple of hours, but mainly about the whole process.

All I've read is that adultery is defined as "intercourse" which I can firmly say did not happen. I have not seen the person in question for months...in fact, she doesn't even live in this country. I have not even spent a night away from my children in several months. Anyway, any "evidence" he has has been taken from my private emails and intentionally distorted. My friend is also upset that such allegations may be made and she is willing to speak on my behalf that there was not a physical relationship.

My H also wanted to accuse me of being an alcoholic. Funny thing is....I don't even drink. At all. I did some research and see that some courts will allow hair sampling in for alcohol consumption analysis. Can show patterns of drinking for 3 months or more. When I told H that this technology exists he shut up about that.

After H violated my computer I took several measures to give myself more privacy, as I feel as an adult, NOT doing anything illegal, I am entitled to such. Are there no laws for stealing someone's email? I know the internet is a fast changing concept and the law has had a hard time keeping up.

Thanks again for your responses.

 

[WestHall]

Given what I've stated above, I plan to file soon. I had hoped to keep things civil and file without grounds (I can most definitely use grounds of hiding assets), but as he seems to be "building a case" against me, would it be wise to file with grounds? Thanks again.

 

[Ohiogal]

How do you know he is HIDING assets? If all the assets are accounted for then he is not hiding them. Not allowing you open access to them is not hiding them.

 

[mistoffolees]

How do you know he is HIDING assets? If all the assets are accounted for then he is not hiding them. Not allowing you open access to them is not hiding them.

And even if he IS hiding assets, that's not clear grounds for divorce in CT:
Connecticut Divorce Source: State Divorce Laws: Connecticut

Granted, you could make the claim that it falls under one or two of them, but why bother? File for a no-fault divorce. It will be cheaper and easier. PLUS, if you file for a fault divorce, you're starting out on an adversarial basis and gives him more of an excuse to escalate with his own accusations.

It's a painful enough process at the best of times. There's no reason to make it more so - especially when there's nothing to be gained by doing so.