Army Wife With Child Needs Help On Divorce

[gemmy05]

What is the name of your state? Virginia

I'm 21 y/o. I got married when I was 18, and shortly after we had a beautiful baby boy. My son is now 2 years old. My husband just joined the Army in April 2008. Before he left, he constantly cheated on me, and had issues with drugs. When he was going through processing, the Army asked whether or not he had ever done drugs, he lied. In fact, he had just done drugs back in Sept 2007, months before he decided to enlist.

Now, I found out that he's been cheating on me again. I know now that I need a divorce, not only for my sanity but for the sake of my son. I CAN NOT and WILL NOT ever give my soon to be ex-husband the chance of breaking my baby's heart the way he has mine.

I have forgiven him 9 or 10 times of cheating, hitting on other women, dating other women. I forgave me when he left me when I was 4 months pregnant to go see his ex wife(whom he cheated on too). I forgave him for all those times he didn't come home because he was out doing drugs. I forgave him for spending our rent money on drugs. I AM DONE WITH IT.

I need some legal advice on what I should do.

1. Is there any way I can get him in trouble within the Army?

2. We've only been married for 3 years, so is there a way I can get alimony? In Virginia, especially around Fairfax and other major cities, the cost of living is extremely expensive.

3. I would like to still have benefits for both myself and my son through the Army.

4. I want to have full custody with limited visitation and child support.

I need to know what else I can do to help build myself up. I feel so lost and dead inside right now. I want to be strong for my son but every time I look into his beautiful eyes, I start bursting out in tears because I don't understand how someone would want to hurt someone so young and innocent!! Please help soon.What is the name of your state?

 

[Ohiogal]

Posting TWICE is not going to get you different answers. Please lock this post.

 

[deathbydiva]

(sorry, double post)

 

[deathbydiva]

Oh, boy.

I realize that you're young and therefore partial to drama. But I'm going to give you some tough love, because it's time to grow up and take responsibility for your own decisions. Your initial post shows a tendency to ask "questions" in such a way that you will only get the response you want to hear. Unfortunately, what you want to hear and reality are sometimes not in the same time zone.

1. Is there any way I can get him in trouble within the Army?

I have news for you: Hurting him will only hurt you, AND your son - you know, the precious angel with the eyes that make you bawl? Although you may hate him right now or really want to get back at him, such schemes only backfire. Also, commanding officers have a *bit* of experience dealing with disgruntled spouses, and they don't have a lot of tolerance for personal matters becoming a military affair. I wouldn't expect a lot of sympathy if you go trying to drag your dirty laundry in and dump it on the CO's desk.

2. We've only been married for 3 years, so is there a way I can get alimony? In Virginia, especially around Fairfax and other major cities, the cost of living is extremely expensive.

No. The only way you'd get spousal support is if you're able to show that the earning capacity is completely unbalanced. I don't know if you've noticed yet, but entry pay in the Army isn't exactly buying anyone vacations to the south of France. You're young and healthy; there's no reason on earth why you can't work and earn at least as much as he makes. And for crissakes, don't ask me who's supposed to watch your son while you work. That's why God invented daycare, and your son is NOT too special to be entrusted to someone else's care while you earn the money to put food on his table.

3. I would like to still have benefits for both myself and my son through the Army.

Your benefits end the day your divorce is final. Your son will continue to be covered until your husband discharges or your son turns 18.

4. I want to have full custody with limited visitaion and child support.

There's a concept that you need to start getting comfortable with right now: That you happen to no longer like your son's father, has absolutely NO BEARING on his rights as a parent, which are completely and totally equal to yours in the eyes of a family court judge. He's pissed you off and hurt you and that's all very sad, but frankly, you're the one who decided to sleep with him in the first place. BTW, on a related note - please get on birth control IMMEDIATELY and stay on it, and keep firmly in mind that every man you ever have sex with, you are auditioning for a permanent role in your life as a father of one of your children, no matter how much birth control you use.

That said, it's certainly possible that you will be the parent who is entitled to establish the child's primary residence, which would mean that you would get the lion's share of the time with him; but do not expect that the court will take away any of his rights as a parent, simply because he turned out to be a crappy husband. They are completely separate issues legally speaking. Which is why it's best for everyone involved, including you, to not make things any uglier than they have to be.

I need to know what else I can do to help build myself up. I feel so lost and dead inside right now. I want to be strong for my son but every time I look into his beautiful eyes, I start bursting out in tears because I don't understand how someone would want to hurt someone so young and innocent!! Please help soon.

I understand, and I'm sorry. What your husband's behavior HAS cost your son is the peace of a harmonious home life, and that is a very real concern. If you do proceed with divorce, then your son has been sentenced to a full childhood of alternating holidays, explaining why his mom has a different last name, and feeling responsible for every disagreement that you ever have with his father.

Your husband JUST joined the Army. I am here to tell you from personal experience, that you could just possibly be amazed at the transformation that your husband will go through as he assimilates. Not every man does - obviously there are total jerks in the military - but most men I've known have been vastly improved character-wise from service.

My honest suggestion would be this: Army bases have enormous resources for spouses, including support groups, free or sliding-scale counseling, job assistance, and assistance with affordable child care. You need to get out there and start taking advantage of every single program that you can. Hook up with other wives who have been where you're at. Find a job, even if it's a part time one, so you will start to feel like a human being again. Get a hobby or develop friendships that will allow you to get your mind OFF of the miserable state of your marriage for a couple of hours a day. If you can, get him to participate in counseling with you; if he won't go, go alone.

Dr. Phil says the way he knows if someone is 100% ready to end a marriage: is if they can leave without anger or rage or a need for revenge. You are obviously not at that point, so you still have emotional homework to do before you make a final decision here. You've had a rough time so far but I can also tell you from experience that divorce is NOT the easy way out of this, it's the hard way; and you can't ever undo it once it's done. Whether you stay with him or not, you will have to find a way to have a civil relationship with him, or the damage you will both do to your child will be immeasureable; so maybe stick around for a little while and see how things pan out.

I do wish you luck. You've bought a ticket on the Express Train to Adulthood, and it blows, but there are wonderful things about it too. You can do this, and you WILL be happy again, no matter how impossible it seems now.

 

[Ohiogal]

Okay deathbydiva who the heck are you?

 

[LdiJ]

Okay deathbydiva who the heck are you?

Obviously someone with a heck of a lot of common sense.

 

[Bali Hai]

Obviously someone with a heck of a lot of common sense.

I thought so too until they quoted that Dr. Phil dink!!

 

[mistoffolees]

Obviously someone with a heck of a lot of common sense.

Absolutely. That post was right on the money. I hope the OP learns from it.

 

[Bali Hai]

Absolutely. That post was right on the money. I hope the OP learns from it.

You mean learning things like trying to convince her spouse that he is getting 17% more in the property settlement when it's really only 8%???

 

[kimberlywrites]

Wow, where did Diva come from??? I like her line of thinking.

Maybe she's a senior in diguise?

 

[Bali Hai]

Wow, where did Diva come from??? I like her line of thinking.

Maybe she's a senior in diguise?

Yeah, and maybe she's a HE!!!

I certainly know now what YOUR gender is!!

 

[LdiJ]

Yeah, and maybe she's a HE!!!

I certainly know now what YOUR gender is!!

The term "diva" generally indicates female...although there can be some exceptions to that.

 

[Silverplum]

The term "diva" generally indicates female...although their can be some exceptions to that.

I often find myself highly amused by "the exceptions."

 

[deathbydiva]

I often find myself highly amused by "the exceptions."

In this case, I am not an exception; I'm female. 35 years old, newlywed, step-mother, step-grandmother (GAH!), mother of 3, and was a family law paralegal and also a military wife in a former life. I will insert the standard disclaimer here that nothing I say should be construed as legal advice because I'm not qualified to give it; the only thing I dispense freely - to the point that I will annoy people - is life experience. So I guess take that for what it's worth LOL ... you know what they say about opinions! But thank y'all for the kind words.

I've personally been through every type of family law case imaginable. But the bulk of my point of view comes from years of watching people go through the worst parts of their lives in our offices, and the vastly different outcomes in each situation. The outcome is determined 100% by the attitude of the adults involved.

When you have a child, you automatically give up the right to be concerned with your own heartaches/disappointments/romantic issues. They simply don't matter anymore, at least for the foreseeable future. If you have time to indulge them after the child is in bed for the night then great; otherwise, your responsibility is to put their interests first. If that means staying with a spouse who irritates the crap out of you but is otherwise a great parent, then so be it. If it means biting your tongue and smiling sincerely at someone you'd happily strangle in a perfect world, then you bite and smile away. I have a "fake it till you make it" policy with regard to getting along with exes ... you act like they don't bother you, and one day you'll wake up and realize that they really DON'T bother you anymore. If I can do it, anyone can LOL.

BTW I really can't stand Dr. Phil The TV Personality either, but he really does have a way with words and some wisdom to give when it comes to getting down to the bottom line.

 

[Silverplum]

Welcome!

If you can keep your friendly attitude here for longer than 2 weeks, I'll be impressed!