Bifurcation?

[essvee]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA
hi. a lawyer friend tried to explain this to me earlier...here's my sitch: married over 7 years, have 3 kids and have decided to "seperate" except that neither of us has anywhere else to go (i have a college education but stayed home with the kids for the last 7 years) so i have no money to go anywhere else. we've decided to peacefully cohabitate for as long as possible but he keeps reverting and unless i'm a total hag he acts like we're "ok" again so i want to do SOMETHING to get throught to him that this marriage is no more even tho divorce is not an option right now strictly for monetary reasons (splitting assests on rentals we own, etc.). so, can someone plz enlighten me on this bifurcation idea?? TIA

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA
hi. a lawyer friend tried to explain this to me earlier...here's my sitch: married over 7 years, have 3 kids and have decided to "seperate" except that neither of us has anywhere else to go (i have a college education but stayed home with the kids for the last 7 years) so i have no money to go anywhere else. we've decided to peacefully cohabitate for as long as possible but he keeps reverting and unless i'm a total hag he acts like we're "ok" again so i want to do SOMETHING to get throught to him that this marriage is no more even tho divorce is not an option right now strictly for monetary reasons (splitting assests on rentals we own, etc.). so, can someone plz enlighten me on this bifurcation idea?? TIA

So, to clarify: the marriage you want is a business relationship wherein you continue to stay home and he pays your way?

 

[essvee]

hi, mean attitude much? no, that's not what i want but it's my only option right now... i started working again and am looking for a second job and am looking to go back for my masters in the fall so that i can eventually live seperately and take care of myself and kids. why don't we just stick to the help and advice part of the forum and not jump to conclusions, deal? i'm not here to bash my "ex", he's a good guy, good father, we've just grown in seperate directions and it's time to move on.

 

[mistoffolees]

hi, mean attitude much? no, that's not what i want but it's my only option right now... i started working again and am looking for a second job and am looking to go back for my masters in the fall so that i can eventually live seperately and take care of myself and kids. why don't we just stick to the help and advice part of the forum and not jump to conclusions, deal? i'm not here to bash my "ex", he's a good guy, good father, we've just grown in seperate directions and it's time to move on.

What do you hope to accomplish? You're going to create a huge mess for yourself if you continue as you are. You want to be separate, but you want to continue to take advantage of being together.

Make up your mind what you want and then act accordingly.

And "I don't have any money" is a lousy excuse. You say you have a job - start supporting yourself. You say you own 'rentals' (plural) so there are plenty of assets to get you started.

As Silverplum pointed out, it's obvious that you want to have your cake and eat it to. He has every right to object to that.

 

[LdiJ]

What she wants to do isn't that unheard of lately. I have been reading news stories all over the country about people doing the same sort of thing for economic reasons.

However, the bifurcation idea won't help you. Bifurcation is where you are divorced, but property settlements haven't been done yet, nor things like child custody decided. I personally think that Bifurcation is a bad idea in most circumstances, because it generally removes any motivation to cooperate with property settlements by one of the parties.

You would need to divorce entirely if you want everything divided.

Living as roommates generally doesn't work out well either. Some rare couples have been able to manage it, but most don't last very long living in the same home, particularly if either of you wishes to date.

I can understand why you want to get your masters. Its the best way to prep yourself careerwise after a long absence from the workplace.

However, if you are going into a career that is lucrative enough, taking out a big enough student loan so that you can both support yourself and the kids, and finish in a year, can be the better way to go.

 

[IrishLady47]

What she wants to do isn't that unheard of lately. I have been reading news stories all over the country about people doing the same sort of thing for economic reasons.

However, the bifurcation idea won't help you. Bifurcation is where you are divorced, but property settlements haven't been done yet, nor things like child custody decided. I personally think that Bifurcation is a bad idea in most circumstances, because it generally removes any motivation to cooperate with property settlements by one of the parties.

You would need to divorce entirely if you want everything divided.

Living as roommates generally doesn't work out well either. Some rare couples have been able to manage it, but most don't last very long living in the same home, particularly if either of you wishes to date.

I can understand why you want to get your masters. Its the best way to prep yourself careerwise after a long absence from the workplace.
However, if you are going into a career that is lucrative enough, taking out a big enough student loan so that you can both support yourself and the kids, and finish in a year, can be the better way to go.

Agree with all said except bolded. That will depend on the field & the hiring situation now. There are many people leaving off advanced degrees on their resumes to get hired & not be told they are "over qualified".

I'm not saying you shouldn't get the degree--but if your marriage is dead, end it as soon as possible. Otherwise, you are hurting not only your husband but your children also. You are both going to have to adjust to a lower standard of living initially--but good financial planning can remedy that in a few years.

It can be better to get a position, letting the company know you're working on the degree part-time (even now, many will provide some assistance), which encourages the company to consider you a long-term investment as an employee (and pay you accordingly).

 

[LdiJ]

Agree with all said except bolded. That will depend on the field & the hiring situation now. There are many people leaving off advanced degrees on their resumes to get hired & not be told they are "over qualified".

I'm not saying you shouldn't get the degree--but if your marriage is dead, end it as soon as possible. Otherwise, you are hurting not only your husband but your children also. You are both going to have to adjust to a lower standard of living initially--but good financial planning can remedy that in a few years.

It can be better to get a position, letting the company know you're working on the degree part-time (even now, many will provide some assistance), which encourages the company to consider you a long-term investment as an employee (and pay you accordingly).

I understand about the bolded. However even if you leave it off your resume its still basically the best way to refresh skills that were lost or got shaky during the time away from the marketplace.

 

[mistoffolees]

I understand about the bolded. However even if you leave it off your resume its still basically the best way to refresh skills that were lost or got shaky during the time away from the marketplace.

That may have been true 20 years ago. I'm not so sure it's true now.

Instead of taking 2 years to get a Masters, OP might be better off getting 2 years of work experience - even in a slightly less important role. It all depends on the particular career. There are certainly some careers where additional education is not particularly helpful, especially in today's climate. In many cases, it's actually detrimental to have a higher degree.

Not to mention, of course, that "I want a divorce, but I can't do it until xxxx" is generally a formula for simply extending the pain (where xxx is "the children are grown" or "we have some money in the bank" or "I get a new job" or any of the other excuses that people use). I agree with the poster who said that if they want a divorce, they should do it and get started with their new lives.

 

[LdiJ]

That may have been true 20 years ago. I'm not so sure it's true now.

Instead of taking 2 years to get a Masters, OP might be better off getting 2 years of work experience - even in a slightly less important role. It all depends on the particular career. There are certainly some careers where additional education is not particularly helpful, especially in today's climate. In many cases, it's actually detrimental to have a higher degree.

Additional education may be unhelpful on a resume but its NEVER unhelpful to the person getting educated as far as skills are concerned.

Not to mention, of course, that "I want a divorce, but I can't do it until xxxx" is generally a formula for simply extending the pain (where xxx is "the children are grown" or "we have some money in the bank" or "I get a new job" or any of the other excuses that people use). I agree with the poster who said that if they want a divorce, they should do it and get started with their new lives.

I wasn't suggesting putting off the divorce...hence my suggestion that she consider taking out a high enough student loan.