Boy did I screw up

[mrbluesky]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

For several years now, I failed to pay our mortgage and mishandled money. The biggest mistake was not telling my wife any of it. She found out about 18 months ago when I filed Chapter 13 to protect our house from foreclosure. I failed to comply with the terms of the chapter 13 (again, without her knowledge) and here we are again facing foreclosure.

I know I f*ed up, and I'm surprised she hasn't thrown me out. She wants to take over the bills (I agree) and has enlisted legal help to stop the foreclosure.

One of her terms is that I surrender all access to our jointly held checking account. No checks, no ATM card, no credit card, nothing. Any and all financial transactions will go through her.

I know that I completely screwed up and proved that I cannot handle money. However, am I being paranoid about her cutting me off from ALL finances? I worry that she will "right the ship" and then file for divorce, leaving me with zero access to any money!

Should I acquiesce and allow her to freeze me out of our joint account? This is happening on Sunday (of course, so I can't even call a lawyer if I wanted to!) PLEASE ADVISE!!

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

For several years now, I failed to pay our mortgage and mishandled money. The biggest mistake was not telling my wife any of it. She found out about 18 months ago when I filed Chapter 13 to protect our house from foreclosure. I failed to comply with the terms of the chapter 13 (again, without her knowledge) and here we are again facing foreclosure.

I know I f*ed up, and I'm surprised she hasn't thrown me out. She wants to take over the bills (I agree) and has enlisted legal help to stop the foreclosure.

One of her terms is that I surrender all access to our jointly held checking account. No checks, no ATM card, no credit card, nothing. Any and all financial transactions will go through her.

I know that I completely screwed up and proved that I cannot handle money. However, am I being paranoid about her cutting me off from ALL finances? I worry that she will "right the ship" and then file for divorce, leaving me with zero access to any money!

Should I acquiesce and allow her to freeze me out of our joint account? This is happening on Sunday (of course, so I can't even call a lawyer if I wanted to!) PLEASE ADVISE!!

Interestingly enough, if *she* were here asking for advice, that may well be the recommendation!

 

[RRevak]

Look, you have demonstrated without a doubt that you can't manage finances. You've not only demonstrated you cannot handle finances, you've done it on a colossal level which has placed the both of you in an extremely difficult position (again). If I were her, I too wouldn't let you anywhere near your joint finances. You want to screw yourself thatS fine, but your handling (or having access to) your joint finances screws the both of you and that isn't fair to her. If you want to keep your wife then I suggest you do as she wants. If you're afraid of being left without any access to money, then I suggest you get yourself a prepaid card and allow her to reload it as needed. If she files for divorce, then accept that you made your bed and will then need to lie in it. Grow up.

 

[single317dad]

As to whether she "can" cut you off from all finances, the answer is no. While she may take your debit card, that won't stop you form going to the bank for a new one. It would be quite difficult for her to use any method to keep money away from you, if you were determined to get at it.

As to whether she "should", and whether you should tolerate it, I suppose that depends on whether you'd like to stay married and keep your belongings. If she's better at managing the money, you should let her if you are incapable. If you don't really care about your marriage or your house, and just like blowing money, by all means fight her tooth and nail.

 

[TigerD]

I deserve bonus points for skipping the obvious "cut off" jokes.

DC

 

[NYCTeacher]

do you both work or just you? What i would suggest is to open a bank account for your money a bank account for her money and a joint account SHE can draw from to pay bills and expenses(if you're feeling generous you can even add a little extra to that account for an allowance for her), you can setup the joint account to directly deposit a specific amount from your paycheck each pay period....You both can contribute equally to that account to cover all bills and expenses, but you will still have your money to do as you please with. That way she doesn't have to cut you off completely from your money and she still has control over the finances.

If she doesn't work, grow a pair, tell her to get a job or let you take care of the bills the way YOU want to take care of the bills, she has no right to control any of the money if she earns NONE of it. If she leaves, she'll need a job then anyway and the financial problems you are having now will only help you when it comes to maintenance and spousal support.

Notice neither of my suggestions say to give complete control of all the money over to the wife. IMO, that is just dumb, sure you're bad with money, but that doesn't mean you don't work hard for that money and deserve to have a voice in how it is spent.

 

[Ladyback1]

do you both work or just you? What i would suggest is to open a bank account for your money a bank account for her money and a joint account SHE can draw from to pay bills and expenses(if you're feeling generous you can even add a little extra to that account for an allowance for her), you can setup the joint account to directly deposit a specific amount from your paycheck each pay period....You both can contribute equally to that account to cover all bills and expenses, but you will still have your money to do as you please with. That way she doesn't have to cut you off completely from your money and she still has control over the finances.

If she doesn't work, grow a pair, tell her to get a job or let you take care of the bills the way YOU want to take care of the bills, she has no right to control any of the money if she earns NONE of it. If she leaves, she'll need a job then anyway and the financial problems you are having now will only help you when it comes to maintenance and spousal support.

Notice neither of my suggestions say to give complete control of all the money over to the wife. IMO, that is just dumb, sure you're bad with money, but that doesn't mean you don't work hard for that money and deserve to have a voice in how it is spent.

REALLY???? an allowance for "her"? Do you think it's the 1950s/1960s??

You are so offensive and just plain arrogant that I don't see how someone hasn't smacked you upside your little head!

Using your analogy of she doesn't work: If she has stayed home, birthed and raised the children--well then, he really doesn't have any right to the kids! I mean she's put in all the effort and work. OP hasn't done anything but work and cause financial ruin to the family...

 

[NYCTeacher]

Using your analogy of she doesn't work: If she has stayed home, birthed and raised the children--well then, he really doesn't have any right to the kids! I mean she's put in all the effort and work. OP hasn't done anything but work and cause financial ruin to the family...

Did he mention kids? Because if their are kids involved it changes my whole stance. The wife isn't a child, if she wants to have a say in the finances, she needs to get a job. I think the best solution is the 3 accounts as i mentioned above, if you don't want to call it an allowance that fine, call it 'shoe money' whatever, just make sure you control your money and let her control her's and the joint money.

 

[stealth2]

do you both work or just you? What i would suggest is to open a bank account for your money a bank account for her money and a joint account SHE can draw from to pay bills and expenses(if you're feeling generous you can even add a little extra to that account for an allowance for her), you can setup the joint account to directly deposit a specific amount from your paycheck each pay period....You both can contribute equally to that account to cover all bills and expenses, but you will still have your money to do as you please with. That way she doesn't have to cut you off completely from your money and she still has control over the finances.

If she doesn't work, grow a pair, tell her to get a job or let you take care of the bills the way YOU want to take care of the bills, she has no right to control any of the money if she earns NONE of it. If she leaves, she'll need a job then anyway and the financial problems you are having now will only help you when it comes to maintenance and spousal support.

Notice neither of my suggestions say to give complete control of all the money over to the wife. IMO, that is just dumb, sure you're bad with money, but that doesn't mean you don't work hard for that money and deserve to have a voice in how it is spent.

Uuuuhhh... She'd be an IDIOT to allow him unfettered access to the household funds. If anything, SHE should give HIM an allowance. OP has been playing fast and loose with HER credit, as well as his. He now needs to prove that he can manage money on a very limited basis. Which part of his not paying the mortgage OR the Chapter 13 settlement did you not understand?

I have to know - what subject do you teach and where?

 

[NYCTeacher]

Uuuuhhh... She'd be an IDIOT to allow him unfettered access to the household funds. If anything, SHE should give HIM an allowance. OP has been playing fast and loose with HER credit, as well as his. He now needs to prove that he can manage money on a very limited basis. Which part of his not paying the mortgage OR the Chapter 13 settlement did you not understand?

I have to know - what subject do you teach and where?

The part about her not having a job was added more as an after thought then the actual point of my post, but that seems to be the only part you guys are reading...I didn't really believe that some deadbeat that can't even hold a job would be giving a husband who supports her 100% a hard time about money....I mean really, what kind of person wouldn't be working when they are having financial difficulties at home. If that's true, he should run from her as quick as possible.

I really do think the best way would be the three accounts method, not giving him 'unfettered access to the household funds' They both hold accounts in their own names, but have a joint account that they both contribute to, but only she has access to, that way he still has HIS money she still has HER money but she controls the bills and household funds.

No one seems to disagree with the three account method, they just disagree with me calling out a non-working, lazy spouse.

 

[stealth2]

The part about her not having a job was added more as an after thought then the actual point of my post, but that seems to be the only part you guys are reading...I didn't really believe that some deadbeat that can't even hold a job would be giving a husband who supports her 100% a hard time about money....I mean really, what kind of person wouldn't be working when they are having financial difficulties at home. If that's true, he should run from her as quick as possible.

I really do think the best way would be the three accounts method, not giving him 'unfettered access to the household funds' They both hold accounts in their own names, but have a joint account that they both contribute to, but only she has access to, that way he still has HIS money she still has HER money but she controls the bills and household funds.

No one seems to disagree with the three account method, they just disagree with me calling out a non-working, lazy spouse.

You are, once again, inserting your own ideas and conclusions. First it was the moving guy's wife being unfit, now it is this guy's wife not working. WHERE did you get that? And yes, it IS possible for a spouse to not know that certain bills aren't being paid. BTDT. She already gave OP a chance to do better w/the Chap 13 settlement, and he messed up again. SO he can choose - she leaves, or he hands over the reins and allows her to sort it out while he figures out how to regain her trust. It's not that complicated.

But you need to stop inserting your own conclusions and giving people lousy advice.

p.s. I'd be really ticked if I found out you were teaching one of my kids.

 

[single317dad]

No one seems to disagree with the three account method, they just disagree with me calling out a non-working, lazy spouse.

Non-working doesn't necessarily equate to lazy. Perhaps the stay-at-home spouse raises the children, operates a homestead, and/or handles other chores the working party would rather not be involved in. Maybe they were chosen just for their looks. Either way, it's not relevant to this discussion, and if someone marries someone else just to have consistent arm candy for public functions then lets them sit at home and eat ice cream by the gallon, well, that's their business.

The multi-account method works great for couples who are past treating marriage as a relationship of love and trust and are to the point of making it a business relationship. "These are the monthly bills. You pay half, I pay half, into this account. Leave me and the rest of my money alone." You might as well just get a roommate.

 

[stealth2]

Again, though, s317d - OP's spouse not working is something NYCTeach made up.

 

[Ladyback1]

Uuuuhhh... She'd be an IDIOT to allow him unfettered access to the household funds. If anything, SHE should give HIM an allowance. OP has been playing fast and loose with HER credit, as well as his. He now needs to prove that he can manage money on a very limited basis. Which part of his not paying the mortgage OR the Chapter 13 settlement did you not understand?

I have to know - what subject do you teach and where?

Ya know? Mr. teacher man has yet to answer what exactly teaches, and at sort of educational institution....

I think OP should go w/ the one account method, and be given a weekly allowance either in cash or on a pre-paid card--letting the "little missus" take care of the really important financial stuff (like, oh, I don't know: paying bills, taking care of the Chap 13 "stuff", etc.) If he wants to spend outside his weekly allowance he would have to ask for more...

 

[single317dad]

Again, though, s317d - OP's spouse not working is something NYCTeach made up.

Yeah, I know, I was speaking more generally, as I feel NYT's soapbox amounts to a general statement made across all forums without regard to context.