undisclosed
Junior Member
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Me and Her
I am 25, a software engineer, went to college, 4.0 gpa, high profile job, sole financial provider. I've had a few rough spots, but generally came from a good background and am a level headed person with a bright career path and optimistic outlook ( for the most part heh ). Up until I met her, I even had a clean legal record.
She is 21, formerly an exotic dancer, has dodged having an actual record, pregnant when I met her, aborted, became pregnant by me 3 more times, but didn't carry to term until after we were married after knowing each other for 6 months. Has spent at least 20% of our 2 year marriage in and out of rehab. We have 1 child, who is 10 months old, and she is now 6 months pregnant again.
Her parents were alcoholics, she was raised by her grandmother. She was raped when she was 12. She was smart, good grades, a gymnist, and a cheerleader. Things went downhill for her when she turned 18 and got into a lot of drugs -- outside of that, she is a rather intelligent person, with a few bad decisions under her belt... big deal, right?
Read on...
Foreshadowing Domestic Issues?
I found out a bit later on, that she had been charged with attempted homicide against her previous boyfriend that she had been pregnant to. She tried to leave the country early in our relationship - which she proposed to me as an adventure -- but I broke it off with her. In the end, she appeared in court and charges were dropped for lack of evidence. To this day, she confesses to me that she could have been in jail for a long time as she believes she was guilty of firing a gun in his direction in a rage.
Us Together
We met each other at a strip club at an after hours party. She was and still is VERY attractive. I was interested. Though, I literally met her at the low point of my life on a pile of cocaine. She was the entertainment for the night.
Things progressed, I left my long time girlfriend, and relocated. Shortly after, my now wife, moved in randomly - against my better judgement and against family cries for me to get far away from her.
Within a month, she confessed she had gotten into heroin while we were apart. I followed suit... I did it with her once in awhile. ( I had no idea she was doing it as much as she was.. for me it was a every few weeks thing, much later I discovered the extent of what she was in -- multiple times per day for months ).
We got married in a court house on a whim during this time when she proposed to me without a ring. I was on heroine at the time.
My career was advancing, I made a stance to get out of the bad life. It wasn't easy -- I had a friend in law enforcement put her drug dealer in jail. I convinced her to get help -- she spent months in and out of intensive rehab facilities. She eventually was "clean", and we actually had a very beautiful and healthy child together.
By this time, about a year had gone by since I met her. But to rewind a little back to the first 3 months of our marriage:
Early in the pregnancy, withdraw was a true nightmare. The fighting was common, at one point, I smacked her when I had reached my breaking point. It was oriented around her having sex with her drug dealer while we were together ( I always wondered how she was paying for it... she wasnt! ).
Never the less, she called the cops, I confessed. Though, after going through the court process, it was dismissed all together -- strangely enough.
Though -- before that charge was even dismissed an entire year later... we had gotten in MORE trouble. She attacked me one day, and I locked her out of the house while I guarded our newborn. She called the police from the neighbor's house claiming I had attacked her. Unfortunately they took ME to jail because of our shady domestic violence history at the time. Friends and family went through child services to protect our daughter as she had custody during this time. That seemed to work. While child services didn't find out -- friends and family found out that a few days before I went to jail, she had relapsed and was doing cocaine. Her therapist wanted to commit her for various reasons that week, but she was able to convince them to try a new medicine -- she had started a new anti depressant 3 days before the incident.
I spent a week in jail before being bailed out. My career moved on, I was on my own again -- though there was a no contact order in place by the magistrate. I had sought intensive therapy. My career did not discover what had happened to me at home -- I floated by safely, scared, but safely.
During the no contact order, she showed up in my new apartment -- I had relocated to Pennsylvania. I felt trapped. I was afraid to call the police to remove her, because I feared being arrested again and sacrificing drawing any attention to myself at work if they discovored what a mess I was in at home. Instead I allowed her to stay. Within a few days, I realized she had again moved all her belongings in on me.... the same cycle.
I consulted numerous lawyers ( I had 4 ). Amazingly enough, with their guidance, she remained hidden, as we relocated several times. We narrowly dodged further legal trouble. In the end, ALL charges were dropped very recently for even the 2nd charge against me.
So -- while with her, I've been to jail twice, charged with 1st and 2nd offenses for domestic violence, never found guilty ( and the 2nd one was completely warped... I never touched her, I tricked her outside, and she lied to the police... Part of the legal dodging was to avoid her being charged for falsifying a report... it was a legal trap.. one of us would go to jail one way or another -- but amazingly we made it ).
Today
I've had 4 lawyers and 3 therapists in just under 2 years. My career has advanced incredibly -- I co-own a 2 year old profitable internet business, I have equity in a separate multi million dollar company, I'm financially independent and at this time, financially stable at young age of 25. I have a car, and pay all the bills. I live in a wonderful neighborhood, my family is "starting" to accept that I am married to this girl and chastize me less and less. Her family adores me and begs me in private conversations to not leave her. I do feel close with her family -- they are good people.
My wife is pregnant again, 6 months... her most recent relapse was 6 months ago. She is a nightmare to deal with and incredibly immature.
Just today, I was home from work for the first time in a long time ( I tend to work 7 days a week ). I had the day with my daughter. I gave my wife a few hundered dollars to go visit family. I found myself doing a bit of work, and missed feeding my daughter mid-afternoon. My wife arrived home shortly after and was irrate when I told her that I missed a meal. I just can't understand where the anger comes from -- she starts to shake and scream. I remain very calm... All the charges were dropped just last week, the last thing I need is ANOTHER out burst from her.
This seems like daily behavior -- I spend enough time away from home, that I can avoid it -- but when I am home, I deeply realize how much I truly HATE this girl -- and it's only a matter of time before she ruins our family's future.
What do I do?
I want nothing to do with her, but I feel she will do anything to "win". I'm afraid to leave her, because I feel she will either harm me physically, or if it plays out long enough to the divorce -- she'll put me in a long and painful custody battle.
If I just give up on our daughter, she'll drain me financially for our daughter and unborn child.
This strange hope inside me says we can work it out in time... but a bigger voice says "get real man.".
I know that was a lot to write, but it also acts as a little diary to myself in addition to maybe a person out there sparking an idea.
Do I have any options here? What are my realities?
Me and Her
I am 25, a software engineer, went to college, 4.0 gpa, high profile job, sole financial provider. I've had a few rough spots, but generally came from a good background and am a level headed person with a bright career path and optimistic outlook ( for the most part heh ). Up until I met her, I even had a clean legal record.
She is 21, formerly an exotic dancer, has dodged having an actual record, pregnant when I met her, aborted, became pregnant by me 3 more times, but didn't carry to term until after we were married after knowing each other for 6 months. Has spent at least 20% of our 2 year marriage in and out of rehab. We have 1 child, who is 10 months old, and she is now 6 months pregnant again.
Her parents were alcoholics, she was raised by her grandmother. She was raped when she was 12. She was smart, good grades, a gymnist, and a cheerleader. Things went downhill for her when she turned 18 and got into a lot of drugs -- outside of that, she is a rather intelligent person, with a few bad decisions under her belt... big deal, right?
Read on...
Foreshadowing Domestic Issues?
I found out a bit later on, that she had been charged with attempted homicide against her previous boyfriend that she had been pregnant to. She tried to leave the country early in our relationship - which she proposed to me as an adventure -- but I broke it off with her. In the end, she appeared in court and charges were dropped for lack of evidence. To this day, she confesses to me that she could have been in jail for a long time as she believes she was guilty of firing a gun in his direction in a rage.
Us Together
We met each other at a strip club at an after hours party. She was and still is VERY attractive. I was interested. Though, I literally met her at the low point of my life on a pile of cocaine. She was the entertainment for the night.
Things progressed, I left my long time girlfriend, and relocated. Shortly after, my now wife, moved in randomly - against my better judgement and against family cries for me to get far away from her.
Within a month, she confessed she had gotten into heroin while we were apart. I followed suit... I did it with her once in awhile. ( I had no idea she was doing it as much as she was.. for me it was a every few weeks thing, much later I discovered the extent of what she was in -- multiple times per day for months ).
We got married in a court house on a whim during this time when she proposed to me without a ring. I was on heroine at the time.
My career was advancing, I made a stance to get out of the bad life. It wasn't easy -- I had a friend in law enforcement put her drug dealer in jail. I convinced her to get help -- she spent months in and out of intensive rehab facilities. She eventually was "clean", and we actually had a very beautiful and healthy child together.
By this time, about a year had gone by since I met her. But to rewind a little back to the first 3 months of our marriage:
Early in the pregnancy, withdraw was a true nightmare. The fighting was common, at one point, I smacked her when I had reached my breaking point. It was oriented around her having sex with her drug dealer while we were together ( I always wondered how she was paying for it... she wasnt! ).
Never the less, she called the cops, I confessed. Though, after going through the court process, it was dismissed all together -- strangely enough.
Though -- before that charge was even dismissed an entire year later... we had gotten in MORE trouble. She attacked me one day, and I locked her out of the house while I guarded our newborn. She called the police from the neighbor's house claiming I had attacked her. Unfortunately they took ME to jail because of our shady domestic violence history at the time. Friends and family went through child services to protect our daughter as she had custody during this time. That seemed to work. While child services didn't find out -- friends and family found out that a few days before I went to jail, she had relapsed and was doing cocaine. Her therapist wanted to commit her for various reasons that week, but she was able to convince them to try a new medicine -- she had started a new anti depressant 3 days before the incident.
I spent a week in jail before being bailed out. My career moved on, I was on my own again -- though there was a no contact order in place by the magistrate. I had sought intensive therapy. My career did not discover what had happened to me at home -- I floated by safely, scared, but safely.
During the no contact order, she showed up in my new apartment -- I had relocated to Pennsylvania. I felt trapped. I was afraid to call the police to remove her, because I feared being arrested again and sacrificing drawing any attention to myself at work if they discovored what a mess I was in at home. Instead I allowed her to stay. Within a few days, I realized she had again moved all her belongings in on me.... the same cycle.
I consulted numerous lawyers ( I had 4 ). Amazingly enough, with their guidance, she remained hidden, as we relocated several times. We narrowly dodged further legal trouble. In the end, ALL charges were dropped very recently for even the 2nd charge against me.
So -- while with her, I've been to jail twice, charged with 1st and 2nd offenses for domestic violence, never found guilty ( and the 2nd one was completely warped... I never touched her, I tricked her outside, and she lied to the police... Part of the legal dodging was to avoid her being charged for falsifying a report... it was a legal trap.. one of us would go to jail one way or another -- but amazingly we made it ).
Today
I've had 4 lawyers and 3 therapists in just under 2 years. My career has advanced incredibly -- I co-own a 2 year old profitable internet business, I have equity in a separate multi million dollar company, I'm financially independent and at this time, financially stable at young age of 25. I have a car, and pay all the bills. I live in a wonderful neighborhood, my family is "starting" to accept that I am married to this girl and chastize me less and less. Her family adores me and begs me in private conversations to not leave her. I do feel close with her family -- they are good people.
My wife is pregnant again, 6 months... her most recent relapse was 6 months ago. She is a nightmare to deal with and incredibly immature.
Just today, I was home from work for the first time in a long time ( I tend to work 7 days a week ). I had the day with my daughter. I gave my wife a few hundered dollars to go visit family. I found myself doing a bit of work, and missed feeding my daughter mid-afternoon. My wife arrived home shortly after and was irrate when I told her that I missed a meal. I just can't understand where the anger comes from -- she starts to shake and scream. I remain very calm... All the charges were dropped just last week, the last thing I need is ANOTHER out burst from her.
This seems like daily behavior -- I spend enough time away from home, that I can avoid it -- but when I am home, I deeply realize how much I truly HATE this girl -- and it's only a matter of time before she ruins our family's future.
What do I do?
I want nothing to do with her, but I feel she will do anything to "win". I'm afraid to leave her, because I feel she will either harm me physically, or if it plays out long enough to the divorce -- she'll put me in a long and painful custody battle.
If I just give up on our daughter, she'll drain me financially for our daughter and unborn child.
This strange hope inside me says we can work it out in time... but a bigger voice says "get real man.".
I know that was a lot to write, but it also acts as a little diary to myself in addition to maybe a person out there sparking an idea.
Do I have any options here? What are my realities?
