can stbx evict me? (long, but please help! I am sick with worry)

[bigdnswtma]

What is the name of your state? PA

Hello Good People.

I have many many questions and concerns (many of which I realize I will have to take up with an attorney). I appreciate any and all feedback to the following, but I'll ask my immediate question first and provide background thereafter. Let me qualify this all by saying that I'm a good guy with a big heart and all I want out of life is to be a good provider, give my children all the love & care they need and deserve, and be happy in our life together. Sometimes it seems these simple things are just too much to ask for. {{{sigh}}} I'm sure many of you know what I mean.

OK - sorry this is going to be long winded. Please bear with me - I am scared to death right now and this is therapeutic for me to write it all out. Thanks in advance.

My stbx wife told me last night that she has retained an attorney and that I will be receiving papers this week that will essentially begin the process of having me evicted from my home & kids. This sounds so completely crazy -- can this be possible? I need some serious advice here folks. Please.

OK, here is the background info ... I'll try to be thorough yet concise.

• I've been married 8 years and own a home with my stbx. We have two fabulous sons, ages 2 & 6.
  
  I filed (pro se) for a no-fault divorce on January 11 and served my stbx on the same day. She has since said that she won't sign off after the 90-day period PA requires and that she has two years.
  
  My stbx is not handling our separation well ... waffling between cooperation and threatening behavior. Her ambivalence stems from my relationship with our longtime friend and my eldest son's best-friend's mother. We are in a warm (but platonic) relationship and I intend to marry her as soon as I'm able.
  
  We are still living in the same house, but I have been staying in the basement since mid-December. There is a separate entrance, full bath and kitchenette ... so it is much like my own apartment.
  
  I am currently working on closing off the basement staircase (temporarily) and finishing a bedroom for the boys to stay when they "visit" me downstairs. It's nearly completed (should be ready Monday!) and they will have everything they need here, same as they would if I was renting an apartment outside the home. My goal is for both of us to be able to see our children every day. I have established a visitation schedule that I'm going to (or rather, was going to) present to my stbx to put into practice immediately.
  
  I am (and always have been) a very involved father - I do as much as, if not more, of the caretaking of them as their mother, including meals, bathing, bedtime, homework, shopping, cleaning, transporting, etc. She has nothing on me in that department except for the fact that I work more hours during the daytime than she does.
  
  I am gainfully employed full-time and have a flexible schedule (outside sales). I am available to my children and their care at all times.
  
  My stbx has worked as a waitress for a large chain restaurant for our entire marriage and has the ability to make a decent living. The number of hours she works has varied throughout the years, mostly dependent upon our financial obligations at the time.
  
  Just prior to our separation, she began another job at a local ski resort, where she makes $6/hour (actually $5/hour, as $1/hour goes to pay for the on-site daycare for our 2 year old). She took this position for the skiing benefits and works considerably more hours than she did before, for much less money. She says she chooses to do this because she likes it.
  
  (BTW, I hate that my sons are in daycare so she can have a job that is more fun. Maybe I'm wrong, but we've always had the agreement that she works nights and/or weekends so one of us can always be with our children. I am also uncomfortable with my boys being in daycare at her place of employment, as I've heard and heard of her (18 year old) co-workers speaking poorly of me and I don't know what is being said to my children about me.)
  
  She still works one or two nights a week at the restaurant, but her seniority allows her to choose the best and as many shifts as she likes.
  
  It's funny how when I read back over this, it sounds like she is hardworking and conscientious. Not. She is lazy, irresponsible, slovenly and selfish. She sleeps many hours each day (while the children are awake, at times). She doesn't communicate with me re: where she (and/or the children) is/are; in fact, she's now lying about if/when she is working and stayed out one night this weekend all night. No call, no number, no idea where she was. This doesn't bother me except for the irresponsibility of it as to my kids and an emergency, etc. If she'd just meet someone else .... Aaaaaanyway .............
  
  We have very little property to divide and no savings or retirement to share.
  
  In our marriage, she was responsible for paying (writing and mailing checks) our bills (although she rarely shared any of her income) and had told me that everything was up to date. Since our separation, I have taken over the debts and was shocked to learn that our house payment was two months behind, our car payment was behind and other various bills had been neglected. I filed our income taxes online and had our refund direct-deposited into our joint account. She is asking for half of the money, but I have already put it all towards these back debts. She is now claiming that she won't sign the form that I'm supposed to mail in to IRS; that she will re-file separately & I'll owe (can she do this??).
  
  We had an agreement (post-separation) that I would pay 2/3 of the bills and she would be responsible for 1/3. That has dwindled down to next to nothing ... she is responsible for groceries now (and I haven't seen much in that regard either). I am paying for everything.
  
  My stbx will (most days) agree that we need to look out for the best interest of our children, (i.e., staying in the home together until the divorce, remaining in the school district, sharing physical custody 50/50, working out our custody and property without attorneys, etc.) then threatens me with any number of things the next day.
  
  She repeatedly threatens to take my two boys away from me, then comes back hours later saying she'd never do that because she knows that I'm a great father and she'd never want to do anything to destroy the bond I have with my kids. She's always said, "you can be a great father without being a great husband" when we spoke of our failing marriage.
  
  We agreed to attend counseling together (for the children's benefit - co-parenting) and had one session with a mediator. She has since cancelled further scheduled appointments.
  
  She unilaterally decided, in a moment of rage on the evening she was served the divorce papers, to tell our 6 year old that we were breaking up. This was without my consent and in spite of a previous agreeement as to how we would talk to him about it.
  
  She has threatened to kill (put a bullet in her head, slam her head against a window, etc.) my stb-wife (while holding my 2 year old). Stbx says that she doesn't want "her" around our children, then allows our 6 year old to ride the bus home to spend the afternoon with "her" child. Both of our children have a loving and close relationship with my stbW.
  
  She says she is going to sue me for adultery and take my kids away.
  
  She is listening in on phone conversations, has broken into my email account & is snooping through my apartment. I don't know if she's hired a private detective, but she has her friends following me and my STBW.

I can't afford an apartment right now AND pay all the utilities AND pay for her to live in our home AND pay our car payments. What are my rights? What can she do to me? Can she take my kids away from me? I've read that adultery can be proven even if there isn't any actual proof of copulation - that is nuts! Is this true? My STBW and I haven't ever been alone together in any private setting ... always other adults or the children there or always in public. We hold hands, kiss and cuddle. Does any of this prove disposition & opportunity?

Do I have to stop spending time/talking with my STBW? I have cut off all of my friends (hopefully temporarily) because of her unstable behavior. I am so afraid that casual conversation will be taken out of context, get back to her and twisted into something awful. My STBW is the only person I have left besides my kids and I don't know if I can go through all this without her. My family is wonderful, but out of state and I hate to worry them with any of this mess.

Is there any chance that I can fight for and win custody? Ideally, I want my boys to live with me and my stbw's two boys once we're married. I don't want to take my boys away from their mother - but if she pushes this, I don't know that I will have any choice. I can't live without them, and, although I don't begrudge her for her feelings of hurt and anger -- I get that, I really do -- but her spitefullness indicates that she can't see what is best for the boys. It is just all about her.

I realize these are questions that I need to pose to my attorney. I will be retaining one tomorrow (if they aren't closed for the holiday), but I can't eat and I can't sleep and I'm hopeful that someone will have some answers for me that can help me get through the next 48 hours.

Thank you. Thank you.
Sorry so long and not real pointed in all my questions. Please infer what you can and any and all help is greatly appreciated.

~Grif

 

[stealth2]

Do you seriously not understand why your WIFE may have some issues about you having a GIRLFRIEND - one you are already talking about marrying? One who is not only a mutual friend but the mother of your son's best friend? Do you REALLY expect this to be an amicable split? Are you a total moron?

Hell yes, she can get an order to have you move out of the house. And yes - you should cool your "platonic" relationship until you are actually divorced AND you have helped your sons cope with their family being destroyed before you decide to remarry.

And no - I was not cheated on, before you think I'm a bitter b*tch. I just think you're not placing your sons' best interests at the forefront either.

 

[bigdnswtma]

sure sound bitter ...

Hey BB,

First, she isn't my wife and hasn't been in any sense of the word for a very long time. I get more love from strangers on a daily basis. I don't think that anything I said implied that I didn't understand my stbx wife's issues with our divorce. I'm sure it really sucks to realize that the great guy you married, abused and took for granted finally got fed the hell up and walked. I'd hate to be her. I am not, however, a moron. I realize that this is a complicated situation for my boys and my girlfriend's boys, but I am not a little lust puppy, off to have a good time at everyone else's expense. Our boys are adjusting quite well and we have PROFESSIONALS working with them proactively to ensure that they continue to have an outlet for their feelings, questions, etc.

Fact is, you are being ugly without having a clue what it is you speak of. I said that I don't begrudge her feelings - but the fact is that my boys are both going to be much better off in a loving home rather than the hell they were subjected to each day living with us together. In fact, they are reaping the benefits already. I refuse to raise them in a loveless home. I made a mistake 8 years ago -- marrying someone I knew after only 17 days. Then I compounded the mistake by making babies with her. DO NOT try to read that as my thinking my children were mistakes. They are the one and only thing that kept me plugged in for so long.

You really ought not judge that which you can't presume to know anything about. I AM doing what is best for my boys - when you read these posts, you just have to assume them to be true since you are out in Internet Lala Land judging people you don't know for sport. Perhaps you should get a life of your own to concern yourself with? Hmmm? There's an idea. Have a great day

 

[stealth2]

Hey BB,

Read again.

Maybe you'll get some responses you like better.

 

[Rushia]

Hey BB,

First, she isn't my wife and hasn't been in any sense of the word for a very long time. I get more love from strangers on a daily basis. I don't think that anything I said implied that I didn't understand my stbx wife's issues with our divorce. I'm sure it really sucks to realize that the great guy you married, abused and took for granted finally got fed the hell up and walked. I'd hate to be her. I am not, however, a moron. I realize that this is a complicated situation for my boys and my girlfriend's boys, but I am not a little lust puppy, off to have a good time at everyone else's expense. Our boys are adjusting quite well and we have PROFESSIONALS working with them proactively to ensure that they continue to have an outlet for their feelings, questions, etc.

Fact is, you are being ugly without having a clue what it is you speak of. I said that I don't begrudge her feelings - but the fact is that my boys are both going to be much better off in a loving home rather than the hell they were subjected to each day living with us together. In fact, they are reaping the benefits already. I refuse to raise them in a loveless home. I made a mistake 8 years ago -- marrying someone I knew after only 17 days. Then I compounded the mistake by making babies with her. DO NOT try to read that as my thinking my children were mistakes. They are the one and only thing that kept me plugged in for so long.

You really ought not judge that which you can't presume to know anything about. I AM doing what is best for my boys - when you read these posts, you just have to assume them to be true since you are out in Internet Lala Land judging people you don't know for sport. Perhaps you should get a life of your own to concern yourself with? Hmmm? There's an idea. Have a great day

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with stealth here. I understand that you may not want to live in a loveless home (been there, done that), but irregardless of the fact the children are in therapy, they are very young. Mom and Dad still live in the same house. You are seeing the best friends mother. Your WIFE has every reason to be upset. Just because you aren't feeling the love anymore doesn't make her any less your WIFE. You are still legally married you moron. You are NOT thinking of your children. If you were then you would have waited to start a new relationship after you divorced and not beforehand. Personally, I hope that her motion is granted and you are forced to move out.