child custody

What is the name of your state? Virginia
i am avtive duty military and will be going on a 6 months deployment. i do not wish to leave my 11 month old with her father, i do not trust his wife to treat her the way she should be treated, plus she has some mental conditions, her father also does not show any incentive to be in her life. is there anything i can do to keep him from getting her? i have custody, and he pays child support, but i cant trust him to take care of her. please help me!!!!!

[ellencee]

I don't mean to sound cruel or add to your obvious heartache, but if I were you, I'd be trying to get out of the military and stay with my child. Separation from you at this point in her life is going to be difficult for the first few days or weeks. She won't remember you in 6 months, not at the current age of 11 months. Then, when you return this child will have to leave the only mother and dad she knows and come back to you--unless dad goes for custody at that time.

Are you married, or single? Does your family, such as your parents, take an active role in this child's life? If so, you would want to get visitation secured for these family members with the child during your absence.

I know you are worried, but the stepmother will probably do an excellent job of caring for your child. Babies have a way of bringing out the best in most people.

I understand where you are comming from, but for one i cannot get out of the military...it had been a great career and it has helped me to figure out what i need to do with my life, BUT with my daughter.....i just found out that i wont be going for quit a while...but i would still like to have my options covered. Also this woman(stepmom) has some mental issues, she has stolen my ATm card and the paperwork to my car, and has ran her head in to a tree because of a man, now her father, who has only seen her 3 days since she has been born and since he left here a month ago he has never called to see how she is doing or anything....he just wanted to know if i mad rank because he thought he would have to pay less child support. I have tried to trust him, but when he does not show any initiave to be a father, he also says that the child support also pays for he B-Day and Christmas presents, so can you see where i am comming from?
V/R
Margaret

[ellencee]

I do understand where you are coming from; we have quite a few military people in our family; thankfully, they are all married and any children would remain in their homes and not be sent to live with people they don't know.
I still think you have some tough decisions to make and one of them being which is more important, military career or your daughter? Unless you are able to legally prevent your daughter from having to go to her father in your absence, the day is going to come when you have to hand her over to him and leave her for 6 months, maybe longer. With the current state of world affairs, the call that requires you to do leave your daughter with her father could come any minute.
Right now, you have no choice but to hand her over to him. All I can suggest is that you work overtime to build a good relationship with your daughter and her father and her stepmother. You will have to overlook their negative qualities and focus on developing a healthy and loving relationship. I'm sure we've all done stupid things that make us look like incompetent fools when only our negative behavior is used in forming opinions of us.

The definition posted for no-fault divorce is a little misleading. It states that no-fault divorce is characterized by BOTH spouses agreeing that the marriage has suffered irreconcilable differences. What is misleading is the statement that "both spouses agree. Both spouses do not have to agree. The fact is that the spouse who disagrees with the divorce has little power to stop a no-fault divorce. Please change that definition.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH HER GETTING TO KNOW HIM IS THAT HE LIVES IN FLORIDA AND I AM IN VA, I STIIL CANT GET USED TO THE FACT THAT HE HAS NO CONCERNS FOR HER, SO HOW CAN I TRUST HIM WITH HER, I DONT EVEN THINK HE REALLY KNOWS WHEN HER BIRTHDAY IS???? HAYLEE(MY DAUGHTER) KNOWS MY MOM MORE THEN SHE KNOWS HE FATHER, HOW CAN I SEND HER TO HIM WHEN SHE DOESNT KNOW HIM, AND AS FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP....WE HAVE THE BEST RELATIONSHIP A MOTHER AND CHILD CAN HAVE, FOR HER AGE.....SHE IS MY PRIDE AND JOY, AND I DO WHAT I DO TO SUPPORT HER(MY JOB), AND SHE LOVES HER MOMMY TOO, AND I HAVE MENY PEOPLE TO BACK ME UP ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A HAPPY BABY SHE IS!!!! AND I TRULEY HOPE THAT A JUDGE WOULD NOT MAKE A CHILD GO TO SOMEONE HE OR SHE DONT KNOW...THEY SAY ITS WHATS IN THE BEST INTREST OF THE CHILD RIGHT??? I JUST CANT SEND MY DAUGHTER TO SOMEONE SHE DONT KNOW AND TECHNICALLY SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT CARE ABOUT HER. ALSO.....HIS WIFE DIDNT EVEN WANT HIM TO COME UP HERE TO MEET HIS DAUGHTER, SO HOW AM I SUPPOST TO FEEL ABOUT THAT????

[ellencee]

OK--those caps are really hard to read, but I get the message that you are yelling at me and that's OK with me. I'm so cranky today, I suppose I deserve to be yelled at! (I'm ending sentences with 'at'!!! I must need more Nyquil.)

What I'm trying to get you to see is that the courts are going to send your daughter to her father unless you find a way to legally secure another custodial person for your child. Naturally, Florida to VA is too far for facilitating visitation. Maybe, just maybe, since he and his wife have no real concern for this child, he would voluntarily forfeit his right to receive custody and two of you can get a court order for the same and naming your mother as the custodial person if and when you are deployed. If he won't do it voluntarily, then you need to get an attorney, or some legal assistance, and get this resolved before it is a crisis situation and you are on your way to board a military jet bound for who-knows-where.

[kat1963]

Truman or Roosevelt? They are the next going out. I can pick her up at Cinkland tomorrow, she’d have great fun with my 30 month old. *S* He’d never find her. Other then that, the only thing you can do is hand her over to a relative and wait for him to file, which he will if he finds out, rightfully or not and it will be expensive..…I believe you have options available to you within the service as far as legal counsel & such. You need to seek those out. He does have his ALL rights as her father. You aren't available to parent, so he will probably win a court order to step it while you are gone. Then it will be a fight to get her back since she's been established where he is. As you know, floats are gone longer then they first said they would be anyway...*sigh*

KAT

i know that he has all rights to her, i fully understand that, but i have to keep stressing the main point....he doesnt even care about her, he wont call and he says that the child support he pays is also for her B-Day and Christmas...the family he has now is more important to him and he even commited adultry in this relationship, his wife already does not like me and thinks my daughter is a burdon...so can anyone tell me how i can go on a 6 month cruise and trust him, for one she doesnt know who he is and two his wife has mental problems, how can i be out to sea and not worry about this on a day to day basis, when she can go to my mom and be happy and with family (grandma) who loves her and would be greatful to take her. I will not be going on cruise for a while now, i am awaiting new orders. please dont anyone think i am yelling at you, this is just a very upsetting matter!

[ellencee]

As someone pointed out, the military has legal counsel and assistance available for you. You need to make changes to custody in your absence if you feel this strongly about your daughter's being placed with her father. Until you make the changes, she will go to him and you will worry yourself sick and be less competent in your military duties because of worrying. That constitutes placing your fellow soldiers, airmen, crewmen, shipmates, etc. in danger.