Desertion

[pincushion]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY
Husband deserted me 2 days ago. Didn't see it coming and I'm in a state of panic. He left me, the home and the bills. He's behaving uncharateristically and wants nothing to do with me. I know everyone out there probably thinks I've left out my responsibility in this but I haven't. I have been faithful, conservative and I have always submitted to his every wish and desire. I swear I didn't see this coming. We're middle aged, married 15 years and have no dependent children of our own however he has 2 from a prev. marriage. He has been faithful with child support to them. I left the workforce at his request 14 years ago and he has forbidden me from even considering the thought of ever returning. He has been a good provider. But, he has obviously found greener pastures and I'm sure adultry is a factor. I need some answers. He's not providing any so I'm interested in seeking temporary alimony and my share of his pension he'll receive later on in life. We have nothing else that needs to be distributed. There will be debts as the house is now valued below what we owe. I have no assets of my own. Everything's in his name. I'm completely dependent on his support. I'm at his mercy and he's in control. All things considered, I'm trying to face the reality of no chance of reconcilliation and want to get on with my life and become self-supportive. Should I wait for him to file for divorce? I'm sure he's going to want to buy time in order to avoid the expense of divorce and the possibility of alimony payments, if the courts will even consider that. Will they? That's my question. Am I entitled? He's an alcoholic. Fell off the wagon once in our marriage but went to counseling and recovered. That was aprox. 5 years ago. He was a nobody when we married and he has advanced his confidence, career and quality of life with me standing faithfully by him all these years. I'm ready to go back into the workforce as I have always missed it but it's a tough market right now. I will need my car and time to figure out where I should land. The property will need to be sold (at a loss) and soon his income will be unable to support two separate lives. How are the NY courts going to view my situation? Any comments are appreciated.

 

[mistoffolees]

As you know, you need to get back into the workforce immediately. While it's difficult, there are still companies hiring.

Meanwhile, talk with an attorney. Most attorneys see situations like yours all the time and there are a number of options. They may be able to petition the court to be paid from marital assets. In some cases, they may be able to get the court to make your stbx pay. They may give you a repayment schedule. Or you may be eligible for legal aid. In any case, the first visit is free for many attorneys, so make some calls and talk to one.

As for assets, you will get 1/2 of marital assets and marital debt, in general. There are some exceptions - if you keep the car and there's a loan on it, you'll get the full loan, but will have to reimburse him for half of the equity. If the home is in his name, he may prefer to keep the home (and the mortgage) rather than selling it for a loss - which might be better for both of you. Just make sure that your name is not on the mortgage. If it is, do NOT give him a quit claim deed until the home value increases enough (or the mortgage decreases enough) for him to refinance in his hame only.

You will get 1/2 of the value of the marital portion of his pension. I would suggest that you get an order for it to be split now and put into your control rather than a future promise if that is possible (it really depends on the pension scheme). In any event, you want the order written in such a way that it's binding on his pension provider, not just on him. An attorney is important here.

Alimony is trickier. After 15 years of marriage, you're certainly eligible for alimony, but that's no guarantee that it will be awarded. Whether you get it depends on differences in income, among other things. If his income is much higher than yours (after you start working), then chances are pretty good. If you make nearly as much as him, you probably won't get it.

There's also a major adjustment you need to go through - which is very hard. Judges don't want to hear that he forced you to stop working. Unless he held a gun to your head, he didn't do that. You both made a choice 15 years ago not to work. The judge won't want a sob story - just the facts.

 

[Bali Hai]

As you know, you need to get back into the workforce immediately. While it's difficult, there are still companies hiring.

Meanwhile, talk with an attorney. Most attorneys see situations like yours all the time and there are a number of options. They may be able to petition the court to be paid from marital assets. In some cases, they may be able to get the court to make your stbx pay. They may give you a repayment schedule. Or you may be eligible for legal aid. In any case, the first visit is free for many attorneys, so make some calls and talk to one.

As for assets, you will get 1/2 of marital assets and marital debt, in general. There are some exceptions - if you keep the car and there's a loan on it, you'll get the full loan, but will have to reimburse him for half of the equity. If the home is in his name, he may prefer to keep the home (and the mortgage) rather than selling it for a loss - which might be better for both of you. Just make sure that your name is not on the mortgage. If it is, do NOT give him a quit claim deed until the home value increases enough (or the mortgage decreases enough) for him to refinance in his hame only.

You will get 1/2 of the value of the marital portion of his pension. I would suggest that you get an order for it to be split now and put into your control rather than a future promise if that is possible (it really depends on the pension scheme). In any event, you want the order written in such a way that it's binding on his pension provider, not just on him. An attorney is important here.

Alimony is trickier. After 15 years of marriage, you're certainly eligible for alimony, but that's no guarantee that it will be awarded. Whether you get it depends on differences in income, among other things. If his income is much higher than yours (after you start working), then chances are pretty good. If you make nearly as much as him, you probably won't get it.

There's also a major adjustment you need to go through - which is very hard. Judges don't want to hear that he forced you to stop working. Unless he held a gun to your head, he didn't do that. You both made a choice 15 years ago not to work. The judge won't want a sob story - just the facts.

Well written Misty, clear and concise.

 

[pincushion]

I Need a Clear Vision

Well written Misty, clear and concise.

Thanks for the input. Absolutely clear and concise and helpful. I had a hunch that a judge will not want to hear about my sad state of unemployment and marketability. I did make a choice to obey him and honor his request. His demand, my decision to obey and obviously, a bad one. Nevertheless, his income is good now and will be far higher than I will ever make. That's okay. I will only have myself to worry about and support. Don't need the high life just don't want to be homeless. Will see an attorney to be sure the pension provisions are done with my future welfare in mind. The mortgage loan is in his name but I'm on the deed with him. The car loan is new and I will take it on. But I just need the time to get a job to be able to pay the car payments. I believe I'm entitled to maintenance or alimony on temporary basis. Hope I can get through this. Thanks.

 

[LdiJ]

I would suggest that you also consider the option of going to school to upgrade your skills and marketability. During the period of time that you are receiving spousal support would be the best time to do that. You could get student loans to cover tuition, and part of your living expenses, and work part time to add additional income. An associates degree would only take you two years...or, if you already have a college degree, you could get a master's in about the same amount of time, that would give you more current skills.

 

[pincushion]

Spousal Support

Again, good advice. Have already considered that. Thanks again to all.

 

[pincushion]

Retainer Fee

I have seen an attorney for an initial consoltation. He says I should not delay action at this point. Husband has broken his word about taking care of expenses since his departure and I'm now broke. I had to borrow money from my son who's disabled and living on a fixed income. I feel like crap that I've sank to this level. Now I'm faced with raising $ for a retainer fee. I trust this attorney and want to move forward. Any ideas on how I can raise the money? I just don't have the funds. Does it seem feasible that I may be able to get a bank loan or line of credit? I'm not employed. Just husband is and he's not providing support anymore. I'm seeking temporary spousal support at this time. I am planning on filing for divorce. I plan on moving forward and have begun looking for employment. It will never be what my husband's level of income is unless I can go back to school and get my degree. It's all going to take time. The attorney said the longer I wait the more vulnerable I will be to damages my husband can do. I hope it will be possible for me to do that. But what to do in the meantime? I need cash now. Lots. Any ideas on how I can raise this? It will take time to sell jewelry, etc. and I need the money in 3 days! I told my attorney this will be impossible. I asked him if he will work with me. He just said I would be able to get it and once I do I can call him and he will start the ball rolling. He said my husband has made some stupid decisions and with the money he makes he's sure the judge will decide that my husband needs to anty up

 

[nextwife]

How long were you married to him?

 

[pincushion]

How long were you married to him?

14 years. 15 in common.