divorce I think

[outofideas]

I need advise. My husband and I have been married for 16 years...for the most part wonderful and exciting years. The last year has been a heck of a ride though. We have been engaged in some risky business with some friends of ours on a few occasions....something he wanted to try. This has been going on about 1 year...maybe 4 times. Since the start of this he told me there is this girl at his work who he is interested in. He told me I am not the same person he knew...the same old lines. Anyway, i was jealous of couse, did a little investigating of my own and found it to be nothing. I dropped it. Then one night....playing our games, things got out of hand when he, our friend, kissed me when my husband wasn't there....needless to say my husband saw the whole thing....was very upset.....said it was cheating....which it is, but, I didn't see it that way. I thought what was a kiss when he had "watched" alot more??? Anyway...things got nasty and he called the police...bla bla bla ...I left. A week went by and he said to come home. Since I have been home he is really making things difficult. Playing mind games with me. One minute happy about I am here...the next telling me how he cant' stand to look at me and I better find a place of my own. Every disagreement we have had since, he blames on me...he expects me to back down because I am the one that "cheated" and should be lucky he is willing to take me back. He says things all the time in front of my kids about the situation and doesn't understand when I get mad that he does that....I have talked to my kids and they have told me exactly how I messed things up....and I took it. I didn't tell them any of the other details of couse. I could go on forever...about the situation.....ends up I find out he has seeked a lawyers advice....not telling them the "whole" truth...just that he caught me with another man. The lawyer told him he would get the kids, based on my behavior......what about his? Please help...if nothing else some advise or critism is fine............ :confused

 

[kat1963]

You know, I tell people all the time this stuff just NOT WORK...moral, immoral, right or wrong, I really don't care what you do in the bedroom, but the bottom line is it doesn't work. Now both YOU and YOUR HUSBAND know why and who is suffering here the most? The children. And I am totally floored that you two would be so selfish as to bring them into this. You are adults, conduct yourself as such. They have lived and therefore have NO understand and/or concept of what goes on in adult life. Who cares what your husbands lawyer says? And how do you actually know thats what he/she told your husband? You don't, so why are you letting it scare you? I highly suggest that you two get marriage counseling. It's pretty obvious that he is being childish because you got caught enjoying a game you weren't really suppose to....see, probably in his mind, you weren't having fun, you were only doing it to please him (and boost his ego). Make an appointment and try to work thru this....it's only been a few times, hopefully you two can put it behind you. Oh, and check your state laws, since you have returned and slept with him (I'm guessing) in some states, this is considered an act of forgiveness which pretty muchs his adultry point moot...but again, I have no idea on your states laws. NO MORE GAMES! And I slap both of your hands EQUALLY for this one and for heavens sake keep the kids out of it!!!!!...was the little bit of excitement worth your marriage & the effects it's having on the children?
KAT

 

[outofideas]

KAT

You are so right......the kids should never have been involved. And no it was not worth it to do this to what was a very good marriage.....I have felt your hand slap many times over.....thank you.....I am at the point where I don't know what to do....I love him and I know we can work through this, but, I am not going to take the verbal abuse that I have been getting as of late...I am no matter what suppose to take whatever he dishes out because after all...I am the one that took it to the next level....which was without him...Do you know what the laws are for Minnesota? He said his lawyer said we are no fault.....50 /50 other than the kids. He said I would not get the kids. I thank you for you comments and honesty.....I know what we did was dangerous.....regardless if it was his idea....I went along with it.....makes us both at fault. He doesn't even think that that has anything to do with "our kiss". But anyway....Thanks again....

 

[kat1963]

Listen, don't ask him, just make the counseling appointment...and trust me, I am NO big fan of counseling. My ex was a controlling fool, he was like your husband is now only he was like that for 12 years, just progressively got worse. Until I left. We had no kids together thank heavens and I settle for .20 on the dollar just to get away from that monster. On his instance we went (cause in his mind, I was wrong and he was right) when the shrink said to him that HE was the one with the problem, even going as far to say "How can you treat any woman, let alone your wife that way?" it make a hit that lasted 2 whole weeks. Not to say that counseling doesn't work, but at least you can say you tried right? I do!

You know something, you have me wondering ...you mentioned the work girlfriend. I'd check on that again....I've seen this before you know, one is having an affair then gets all p*ssy over something stupid that their spouse has done wrong so that all in all, they can be right....and use it as excuse for their bad behavior because after all, they are the REAL victim after all *sniffle* See what I'm getting at here?

Listen, to bottom line, you will be okay. Take it one day at a time. I'm sorry I'm not a lawyer nor do I know the laws of your state. You can do an on line search, should be able to find most of the laws these days! I think I'd at least get a consult with a divorce lawyer ..it doesn't sound like he has any interest in building a bridge to get over what happened.

Good Luck!

KAT

 

[outofideas]

You have said all the things in a few paragraphs that I have been feeling for years. I have suggested counseling for several years now, he said I should go....since I am the one that feels we need one. At times he can be soooo understanding about the situation that "I" have put us in, but then he can turn on a dime, tell me I need to leave, he is threatening the kids with me...telling me that they have made the decision to stay with him....I have not talked to my kids about this, because unless they need to decide I want them to get back to their normal life as much as possible. NOt that I want or think this should just be swept under the rug, but, which I actually wish it could be, LOL, but, I think him and I need to do the dealing and decision making right now. He feels bad for what happened on Friday...and I sincerely beleive that, but, when will it end? Will this blow up on the same day of the week that this happened on for the rest of my life? It has been one month since....and it isn't easy. He is pushing me away right now...I have actually decided that if he is going to continue this behavior.....I will leave. I will take your advice and check into the gal at work a little closer......Thanks again....this really helps...I thought twice about airing my problems out for all to read, but, I was ready for anything....what we did and I did was not right and I know that....thanks again....