Divorce questions from frazzled mom

[irony's favor]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NH

I am a daily visitor and sometime poster, but registered under a new ID to make it harder for my STBX to find info.

I'll try to give the points briefly:

8 year marriage, 1 child from a previous relationship. My income = $70K, his = $50K. Assets include mortgage roughly equal to what is owed, no debt, $20K vacation property, two cars. At the time, I thought we had $150K liquid (inheritance from my father), but in actuality, we had less than half the liquid funds (spent down by him within the past year).

I filed for divorce Nov 09, told I may have to wait until January for hearing. Atty told me not to touch liquid funds, and she would serve STBX not to touch, either.

A month later, STBX receives mailed (NOT served) documents in the mail about the divorce and frozen accounts. He is verbally abusive and physically threatening (breaking down doors, physically restraining me, calling my son in the room to ask if he knows how much of a whore his mother is). Son and I fled house without any belongings mid Jan and have been staying in hotel ever since. In informed my atty on next business day via phonecall and rec'd an email 8 days later telling me she just got the message. Told me to "hang in there". We have been back to the house on several occasions when he is not there to get basic necessities. We have no family within 1000 miles.

In this time, STBX cancels me from all mutual credit cards, threatens to call my employer to have me fired, and calls CPS on behalf of my son (because I am such an "unstable" parent).

Checked in with atty two weeks later, STBX still hadn't been served. Informed her that I just discovered that starting the day after I met with attorney, STBX took an additional $31K from common funds over the next three months. Atty told me she'd work on getting him served and try to set up a negotiation meeting with STBX and his atty.

STBX finally served Feb 9. On Feb 18, I discovered a future bank transfer for an additional $36K from common funds into his private bank account to happen on the following day. I stopped transfer and got permission from atty to move the remaining funds to another account that he can not access. STBX informs me that his "master plan" is to drain all of the money and force the house into foreclosure, thereby wrecking my credit. I tell atty I no longer want to "negotiate" with him and wish this to be decided by a judge.

I contacted atty today, requesting an update. Was informed that we have a temp hearing on the status of who stays in the house on Apr 22 (over five months after filing).

As it stands, STBX cannot refinance with what he makes (but I may be able to just squeek by) and no houses are selling in our area. It is also very difficult for me to find rental housing within my son's school district. I am hopeful that these factors would cause the judge to award me temporary exclusive use of the marital home.

Are my attorney's actions reasonable? Am I wrong to expect some sort of relief sooner? Should I be shopping for a new lawyer, or will that just put me further behind? Does anyone know what the next legal steps are after the temp hearing?

I am torn between leasing a house in the district and waiting. I'd hate to sign a lease for a year (all I can find) and purchasing all new furniture, only to have judge award me the house in April. In the meantime, I am sharing a one-room hotel room with my teenage son and shuttling him to and from school. I also worry that STBX will stop paying the mortgage and I will have to pay that AND my lease in order to keep the house (though this could happen while we are staying at the hotel, too).

I am just scared and frustrated and looking for any advice I can find. Thank you all in advance for anything you can offer.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NH

I am a daily visitor and sometime poster, but registered under a new ID to make it harder for my STBX to find info.

I'll try to give the points briefly:

8 year marriage, 1 child from a previous relationship. My income = $70K, his = $50K. Assets include mortgage roughly equal to what is owed, no debt, $20K vacation property, two cars. At the time, I thought we had $150K liquid (inheritance from my father), but in actuality, we had less than half the liquid funds (spent down by him within the past year).

I filed for divorce Nov 09, told I may have to wait until January for hearing. Atty told me not to touch liquid funds, and she would serve STBX not to touch, either.

A month later, STBX receives mailed (NOT served) documents in the mail about the divorce and frozen accounts. He is verbally abusive and physically threatening (breaking down doors, physically restraining me, calling my son in the room to ask if he knows how much of a whore his mother is). Son and I fled house without any belongings mid Jan and have been staying in hotel ever since. In informed my atty on next business day via phonecall and rec'd an email 8 days later telling me she just got the message. Told me to "hang in there". We have been back to the house on several occasions when he is not there to get basic necessities. We have no family within 1000 miles.

In this time, STBX cancels me from all mutual credit cards, threatens to call my employer to have me fired, and calls CPS on behalf of my son (because I am such an "unstable" parent).

Checked in with atty two weeks later, STBX still hadn't been served. Informed her that I just discovered that starting the day after I met with attorney, STBX took an additional $31K from common funds over the next three months. Atty told me she'd work on getting him served and try to set up a negotiation meeting with STBX and his atty.

STBX finally served Feb 9. On Feb 18, I discovered a future bank transfer for an additional $36K from common funds into his private bank account to happen on the following day. I stopped transfer and got permission from atty to move the remaining funds to another account that he can not access. STBX informs me that his "master plan" is to drain all of the money and force the house into foreclosure, thereby wrecking my credit. I tell atty I no longer want to "negotiate" with him and wish this to be decided by a judge.

I contacted atty today, requesting an update. Was informed that we have a temp hearing on the status of who stays in the house on Apr 22 (over five months after filing).

As it stands, STBX cannot refinance with what he makes (but I may be able to just squeek by) and no houses are selling in our area. It is also very difficult for me to find rental housing within my son's school district. I am hopeful that these factors would cause the judge to award me temporary exclusive use of the marital home.

Are my attorney's actions reasonable? Am I wrong to expect some sort of relief sooner? Should I be shopping for a new lawyer, or will that just put me further behind? Does anyone know what the next legal steps are after the temp hearing?

I am torn between leasing a house in the district and waiting. I'd hate to sign a lease for a year (all I can find) and purchasing all new furniture, only to have judge award me the house in April. In the meantime, I am sharing a one-room hotel room with my teenage son and shuttling him to and from school. I also worry that STBX will stop paying the mortgage and I will have to pay that AND my lease in order to keep the house (though this could happen while we are staying at the hotel, too).

I am just scared and frustrated and looking for any advice I can find. Thank you all in advance for anything you can offer.

Its a shame that you ever comingled your inheritance, because it would have been separate property and he wouldn't have had any right to it. However, that is water under the bridge.

What you need to argue now is that he has already received more than his fair share of liquid assets.

Its also too bad that you didn't call the cops when he got physically abusive, because you and your son would be in the marital home and he would have a restraining order against him. However again, that is water under the bridge.

Don't sign a lease anywhere at this point. You really might be better off selling the house and getting something that you can afford without squeaking by.

 

[irony's favor]

Its a shame that you ever comingled your inheritance, because it would have been separate property and he wouldn't have had any right to it. However, that is water under the bridge.

What you need to argue now is that he has already received more than his fair share of liquid assets.

Its also too bad that you didn't call the cops when he got physically abusive, because you and your son would be in the marital home and he would have a restraining order against him. However again, that is water under the bridge.

Don't sign a lease anywhere at this point. You really might be better off selling the house and getting something that you can afford without squeaking by.

I hear you about comingling the funds...and I originally did keep it separate. However, we had just gone through a successful round of marraige counseling and he said that there was no way we could give it a real chance if I was holding back the money.

Unfortunately for me, I am even more gullible than he is manipulative.

I thought about the restraining order at the time, but I also know that a piece of paper wouldn't stop him if he wanted to hurt me, and I would always be waiting for him to show up. One thing that we have going for us is that he does not know where we are staying.

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'll stay with the current lawyer and keep pushing.

 

[irony's favor]

Besides my mistakes in all of this, does anyone else want to weigh in on my lawyer's actions? Is this what I should expect?

Is it normal for it to take almost three months to serve someone in a divorce? Is the money he took before service still part of the amount we will divide? Or is it now his money because he took it before being officially notified not to?

My lawyer has acted when I pushed her, and she has now told me she resents me pushing her.

 

[LdiJ]

Besides my mistakes in all of this, does anyone else want to weigh in on my lawyer's actions? Is this what I should expect?

Is it normal for it to take almost three months to serve someone in a divorce? Is the money he took before service still part of the amount we will divide? Or is it now his money because he took it before being officially notified not to?

My lawyer has acted when I pushed her, and she has now told me she resents me pushing her.

Unless your ex is avoiding service, three months to get the initial paperwork filed and to get him served is too long.

 

[Golfball]

I am in agreement on the attorney taking too long. I hope my attorneys (during my divorce, and the plural is correct) didn't mind me riding their butts, but I think I was reasonable in my expectations. (On the other hand, they met the expectations below, for the most part, so I have no complaint with them.)

This is more musing out loud (minor derail), but a good attorney does the following for their clients, and to a lesser degree (possibly), the opposing counsel:
* Follows up promptly (at least acknowledge what was said.)
* Delivers incoming paperwork/correspondence promptly to the client
* Sends outgoing correspondence when they say they will, or if they cannot comply, have a decent reason for it, and do the job as soon as they are able. (In addition, the client is Cc'd on everything, and signs off on most correspondence before it goes out.)
* Doesn't make outlandish promises on what will happen. (Or if they do, they say what can happen if X, what can happen if Y.)
* Will tell the client if something is not (necessarily) in their best interests, but lets the clients ultimately call the shots.

But it's a two-way street. (NOTE: OP, I'm not implying that you didn't do anything below, but I have seen open letters from family law attorneys who have had clients that didn't, so pleasepleaseplease don't take this the wrong way.)
A good client needs to:
* Be truthful, and complete in the truth. Attorneys hate surprises. The time for surprises is in the initial consultation(s), not hearing prep, or the hearing itself. Answer the attorney's questions and review documents promptly, too.
* Keep the attorney informed about incoming events that they are not necessarily informed of.
* Look over the bill, ask questions, and pay promptly.
* Be reasonable in the expectations of how the proceedings will go.
* Be involved in your divorce. You're the one that has to live with it, not the attorney.