Do I need a lawyer, yet?

[dean5665]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
North Carolina

My wife wants me to move out so she can have time to "work" on herself and for me to "deal" with my issues. She says she is emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. She says that she wants us to reconcile but the only way we can begin that process is for us to be apart from each other to heal. There has been no criminal activity on the part of either one of us, no cheating or anything. Only two very unhappy people. I have a beautiful 15-year-old step-daughter. My wife and I have a 4-year-old little princess. They deserve more.

However, should I protect myself by getting a lawyer before I move out, eventhough my wife and I have both indicated we would like to reconcile?

Thanks so much!
Still in Love

 

[Mass_Shyster]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
North Carolina

My wife wants me to move out so she can have time to "work" on herself and for me to "deal" with my issues. She says she is emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. She says that she wants us to reconcile but the only way we can begin that process is for us to be apart from each other to heal. There has been no criminal activity on the part of either one of us, no cheating or anything. Only two very unhappy people. I have a beautiful 15-year-old step-daughter. My wife and I have a 4-year-old little princess. They deserve more.

However, should I protect myself by getting a lawyer before I move out, eventhough my wife and I have both indicated we would like to reconcile?

Thanks so much!
Still in Love

Short answer: Yes, see a lawyer.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
North Carolina

My wife wants me to move out so she can have time to "work" on herself and for me to "deal" with my issues. She says she is emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. She says that she wants us to reconcile but the only way we can begin that process is for us to be apart from each other to heal. There has been no criminal activity on the part of either one of us, no cheating or anything. Only two very unhappy people. I have a beautiful 15-year-old step-daughter. My wife and I have a 4-year-old little princess. They deserve more.

However, should I protect myself by getting a lawyer before I move out, eventhough my wife and I have both indicated we would like to reconcile?

Thanks so much!
Still in Love

What do you want to protect yourself from?

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
North Carolina

My wife wants me to move out so she can have time to "work" on herself and for me to "deal" with my issues. She says she is emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. She says that she wants us to reconcile but the only way we can begin that process is for us to be apart from each other to heal. There has been no criminal activity on the part of either one of us, no cheating or anything. Only two very unhappy people. I have a beautiful 15-year-old step-daughter. My wife and I have a 4-year-old little princess. They deserve more.

However, should I protect myself by getting a lawyer before I move out, eventhough my wife and I have both indicated we would like to reconcile?

Thanks so much!
Still in Love

Definitely see an attorney before moving out. Be aware that moving out can significantly impact your chances of obtaining custody in the future.

While it would be great if the two of you find that you really want to reconcile and things work out for a happy future, don't count on it (just read this board for a while and you'll find out what sometimes happens when two people 'plan' to reconcile). This is definitely a case of 'hope for the best, but plan for the worst'.

 

[dean5665]

What do you want to protect yourself from?

Well, according to other advice givers, both family and friends, I need to obtain a lawyer before moving out so my wife can not claim this is a case of abandonment.

 

[dean5665]

Be aware that moving out can significantly impact your chances of obtaining custody in the future.

While it would be great if the two of you find that you really want to reconcile and things work out for a happy future, don't count on it (just read this board for a while and you'll find out what sometimes happens when two people 'plan' to reconcile).

If I am being asked to leave by my wife, how does this impact my chances of obtaining custody in the future?

In addition, I understand that once couples reach this point things are not in their favor for working out. We are both Christians (and I know many Christian couples get divorced, too). If my wife and I have planned our counciling and are, as Christians, keeping our children in mind, as well as, what God intends for us. Do you think that gives us a little better chance to reconcile. I know this part isn't legal advice, but the hoplessness of "don't count on it" made me reflect. Statistically, I know you are right. It just makes me sad.

Thank you for responding.

 

[Zigner]

Why doesn't SHE move out to find herself?

 

[Mass_Shyster]

If I am being asked to leave by my wife, how does this impact my chances of obtaining custody in the future?

If things get ugly in the future, she may remember things differently. She won't remember asking you to leave, but she'll remember you leaving.

 

[LdiJ]

Well, according to other advice givers, both family and friends, I need to obtain a lawyer before moving out so my wife can not claim this is a case of abandonment.

That is completely untrue and basically irrelevant should you end up divorcing.

Your chances of primary custody of your child would lessen if you move out, as Misto said, but that is all. The act of moving out does not lessen your chances for some form of joint custody...basically whatever the two of you can agree to...or what a judge would impose, which would be at least your state's minimum guideline and possibly more. On top of that, if the two of you properly share your child during your separation, then status quo will effect a judge's order.

For abandonment to even remotely be a factor, you would have to move out and 1) completely abandon all financial responsibility for your child and your joint debts, and 2) completely disappear from your child's life. It doesn't sound like you have any intention of doing that nor does your wife have any intention of attempting to force you do do so. On top of that, the "abandonment" has to go on for quite a long time.

Its honestly Ok for a couple to separate temporarily without either party losing their rights. What's not ok is for a parent to conceed with not seeing their children for months or to abandon their financial responsibility for child support and joint debts for months.

 

[Banned_Princess]

If things get ugly in the future, she may remember things differently. She won't remember asking you to leave, but she'll remember you leaving.

How true.

Memories are funny like that.

 

[commentator]

I have lived a loooong time, and in that time, I have very very seldom ever seen a situation where a person wanted time alone, wanted someone to give them space, wanted 'time alone to clear my head' or 'find myself' when they did not either have someone else they wanted to date, someone else in mind they think may be available, or they are hot in the midst of an affair already.

Don't be dumb. Don't be the last to know here. Get an attorney, tell her if she wants space, she can't work on your issues toward reconciliation while you are still living together, she needs to move out and "find herself" in a trailer park. By the way, this happens to Christian couples very often, simply because they are less likely to see it coming or expect it. You don't have to push her for a divorce, but do be wise as a fox (scriptural advice here) and protect your interests and the interests of your child.

 

[mistoffolees]

Your chances of primary custody of your child would lessen if you move out, as Misto said, but that is all. The act of moving out does not lessen your chances for some form of joint custody...

This is terrible advice.

It is becoming more and more common for couples to have 50:50 shared custody. If that is arranged while they are still together, and if circumstances permit, there's a good chance of that.

If OP moves out, the chances for 50:50 shared custody drop dramatically.

Do NOT move out until you've talked with an attorney and worked out all the custody issues.

 

[dean5665]

Don't be dumb. Don't be the last to know here. Get an attorney, tell her if she wants space, she can't work on your issues toward reconciliation while you are still living together, she needs to move out and "find herself" in a trailer park. By the way, this happens to Christian couples very often, simply because they are less likely to see it coming or expect it. You don't have to push her for a divorce, but do be wise as a fox (scriptural advice here) and protect your interests and the interests of your child.

Wow! Telling her to move out and "find herself" in a trailer park?

Someone has issues! I think this would totally work against my choice of reconciliation! Just as someone wisely stated earlier, "she won't remember asking you to leave but she will remember me leaving". I think she will remember me telling her to "find herself in a trailer park."

Thanks everyone! Good news! Because of the good and bad advice, I will be getting a lawyer!

Take Care!

 

[commentator]

Wow! Telling her to move out and "find herself" in a trailer park?

Someone has issues! I think this would totally work against my choice of reconciliation! Just as someone wisely stated earlier, "she won't remember asking you to leave but she will remember me leaving". I think she will remember me telling her to "find herself in a trailer park."

Take Care!

Remember, she is the one who wants this space. She is the one who demands that you leave, so she can be alone, who doesn't think she can work toward a reconciliation if you remain in the same location. Yet she doesn't want to give up HER comfort, her child time, her personal space in this home. In other words, dude, she's suggesting you conveniently disappear for a while, so she can explore her personal options. Don't be found later looking back on this slapping your head going "DUH!"

Be firm with her in your refusal to conciliate or pamper her since you are not the one who is pushing for this move, and she will have much more respect for you. She will also realize that getting what she wants in terms of her personal space may involve reducing her standard of living somewhat, accepting realities like you can't have your cake and eat it ..... oh well. I hope it works out for you, talk to us in about six months.

 

[mistoffolees]

Remember, she is the one who wants this space. She is the one who demands that you leave, so she can be alone, who doesn't think she can work toward a reconciliation if you remain in the same location. Yet she doesn't want to give up HER comfort, her child time, her personal space in this home. In other words, dude, she's suggesting you conveniently disappear for a while, so she can explore her personal options. Don't be found later looking back on this slapping your head going "DUH!"

Be firm with her in your refusal to conciliate or pamper her since you are not the one who is pushing for this move, and she will have much more respect for you. She will also realize that getting what she wants in terms of her personal space may involve reducing her standard of living somewhat, accepting realities like you can't have your cake and eat it ..... oh well. I hope it works out for you, talk to us in about six months.

I agree with you completely.

I think the issue was the comment about sending her to live in a trailer park - which sounded a bit vindictive. The point is that if she wants time on her own, it should be entirely her choice and SHE is the one who should suffer the consequences. There's no reason that her husband and children should be forced to make sacrifices because of her inability to decide what she wants.

Bottom line, OP should stay where he is and firmly refuse to leave. If she wants time alone, then she can do it - but it's up to her to find a place to live - at hear own expense. Whether that's a mansion, moving in with her parents, or a trailer park isn't OP's choice, nor is it his concern. She wants to move out - let her.