Feeling Hopeless

[BABYLUV1983]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? TEXAS
Hi everyone! I am in a real bad spot. I am 21 years old and i have a 3 year old from a previous abusive relationship. My husband and I got married this year, we had our baby a month later, a month after that he was deployed to Iraq and a month after that our baby died.( all of that in 4 months) After he went back to Iraq, I was still trying to cope with our daughters death. Our marriage seemed to have nothing left anymore. I was hanging around one of my bestfriends and, she had just moved in around were I had lived. Well I evetually became involved with her roomate. He made me feel alot better about the things I was going through, and I started to fell that I was in love with him and no longer the man I married. The Basic reasons we got married to begin with was because he was due to deploy a month after I had the baby. You see he would get more money out of it that way.I also felt he married me because it was the "right thing" to do being I was pregnant. There is alot of misunderstandings about what really happened and what was really going on in his head during our 9 day engagment.
I eventually told him I was seeing someone else and of course he was mad. I should have expected this, and he claims he is going to file adultry. I live in a no fault state, whatever that means. for 5 months he hasnt given us anymoney for me and my daughter and kicked us out of the house, not showing any emotion for the girl he wanted to adopt. I understand this is probably what I get, although i have been suffering alot of depression since my baby died. He is going to take all the things he owns. his car, furnature, everything. I will not have anything. I am not expecting a positive response from this, I am just wondering if there is any hope in my situation. Does anyone know if I am able to recieve any sort of alomony from him, or maybe get a car from him or benifit from this, or if I just land up high and dry.

[rmet4nzkx]

I'm sorry for your loss.
If you were engaged for 9 days and the baby was born 1 month later, was it his child?
How did your baby die? Did you get grief counseling?
Texas has both no-fault and fault, of which Adultery is one of the grounds, although with the brief marriage, it is unlikely there would be much advantage to using Adultery other than for his edification. But he controls the game from this point on because of the SSCRA. Although, you comiting adultery puts you on the short end of the stick, leaving you and your child with what you came with. Are you getting child support for your child? Have you applied for welfare, medicaide, WIC, Food Stamps, are you working or looking for work? Have you checked with FA on base, were you thrown out of on base housing or just not money to pay rent?

Here is a link to information about Texas divorce written for military families.
[url]www.cs.amedd.army.mil/sja/txdivinfo2.htm[/url]

[BABYLUV1983]

WOW!!! someone listened to me...lol...

Yes it was his child, we got married a month before she was born. He only knew her 2 weeks before he left to Iraq.After she died, I went to counceling one time and the lady made me mad and I never went back, I want to find another one but I just never have the time. When we were having dissaggreements, I feel they were from the stress and the after affects of my daughter that passed away surfacing. They got so bad that when we talked we were always mad at each other, and it was sad because we are so far apart we should cherish the time we ever got. We didnt though. He had my mom and a few people move all of his stuff out of the house we lived in and put it all in storage. ( this is before I was seeing someone else) Left us with just an epmty house. So me and my daughter had no other choice but to stay with my friend, there after is when the affair took place.I am not recieving any support from my other daughters father he has been in prison her whole life. (never can win). I cant get any of that assistance being married, they all need proof that I am not living off of his income, and all there is is words, i cant really proove that I dont recieve his money. I was told I could get his BAH ( the married pay they get extra)I tried all of this before i actually told my husband about the affair.so nothing is really going to help me now. I am looking for a job high and low, but because of the holidays it is real hard to find one, i have a few lined up for next month. it is just real tough, and even more tough when people just dont understand that sometimes you just forget who you are when someone dies or leaves for a long period of time. What is SSCRA? any help is appriciated. Thanks for listening!!!

[rmet4nzkx]

Yes someone listens and you answered some of my questions but I need to know a few more things.
How did your daughter die? This is especially important because if he was already moving things out before he knew of the affair, or you were forced to seek shelter because of him moving the furnature out and denying you income, he contributed to this happening also. Is he blaming you for the death of your child?
People often react to this kind of loss in very extreem ways and few marriages survive least of all one such as your's.
Did you actually apply for welfare, because you should at least be able to get it for your daughter.
Did you apply for WIC, medicaid, housing etc?
Have you gone to FA, chaplin?
Were you getting an allotment at all? His records can be examined to prove he isn't giving you any support.
Are/were you living on base housing?
Do you still have access to that housing and in need of furnishing, there are places to get assistance, didn't you have anything before you got married?
Have you called the domestic violence hotline, they can give referrals and some assistance for resettlement, this is a form of violence.
SSCRA is Soldiers and Sailors Civil Relief Act, this allows him to delay civil proceedures while deployed or stationed overseas, so if you file for divorce or separation, he can delay the whole thing until he returns, have you filed for anything in family court, perhaps you can get an emergency order, have you contacted legal aid?

[LdiJ]

I do believe that you can get welfare. Your husband has basically "left" you, not because he is gone overseas but because he has cut off financial support. Please go down and apply.

[BABYLUV1983]

yes I beleive that he did contribute to this happening. She passed away, she sufficated in her crib, the first night I ever put her in it. She rolled over half way and was stuck on her arm so she couldnt push her self back to her back, she sufficated against the bumper pad. This has caused alot between us, alot of tension because I blame my self and I feel like he will blame me when he comes home. I did get housing though on post , because me and my daughter had no other place to stay. He is furious. He took the POA away. I have gone to apply for assistance, but because I live on base I think they will turn me down because I am still sort of being suporrted by him right? As for my other daughter there is alot that has to be done, alot of searching for her father and getting information about were he is and what prison he is and so on, that it will be a wait until I actually can get the AFDC. I am trying to get things together. For a while there, it was starting to drive me crazy, there is only so much a person can handle, especially in 1 year. Now that I have talked with you, things have started to look up. I am in the process of finding out how I can get a car, then I will give him his back and we can proceed with the divorce, but he wont send me the papers until I give him his car, and I wont give him his car because I despratley need it. He even wants his reing back. Give me a break. I will we glad when this is all over, I just need that boost you know.
I got rid of everything of mine when we moved in together, because he said his stuff was better, i was living in Low income housing, mind you he is an E6 and he had alot of nice things so I did get rid of my stuff to move his in. I have nothing at all that is mine except for this computer. I pawned my tv for some money and there really isnt nothing left, i have a room full of stuff for my daughter her at the house on post that is all the furnature that is here, i sleep on a air matress and i have a few dishes and a little food from the church and stuff. It really boils me that I am suffering all this, i feel i have suffered enough from my daughers death but apprently not. i guess I shouldnt complain though its a roof for us right now. He makes a good 3000.00 a month and is so cold blooded to help us at all. he really dont have any bills i know he could afford it, but he is doing it despite I was with some one else while we were "separated". He is the one who left us out though. in the long run it still looks bad on me, I just want to gain something from all this pain I have been going through. There really isnt much I could get, as bad as I wish I could get his car, but I know I cant
He isnt trying to delay it, he wants his car, and then he will send me the papers, but I need the car to get my life together. Its a no win situation.

[snodderly]

First of all, I'm sorry. I can't even try to imagine the pain of that kind of loss. You say you are living in housing on post, is that right? Have you contacted the chaplains office about getting some counseling through them? It would be free to you as a dependent wife and it sounds as if you need someone to talk to and work through your pain with.

Who exactly have you contacted in the military as far as help with your situation? Have you been to his commanding officer or the unit he is attached with? Have you talked to the first shirt of his unit there? Have you gone to Family Advocacy and spoken with anyone there?

There are so many avenues and so much help offered via the military. If you are still a dependent and living in housing I'm sure, if you find the right person you will get help with your situation. Good luck!!

[BABYLUV1983]

i talked to his captain when he first cut us off of his money, and he said there was a romor going that I was cheating on him. There for I wasnt going to be able to get the money that I should get from him. Now that I have actually admitted to my husband I have been with some one else that is reason enough for me to not get anything right?

[snodderly]

Tell his captain to jump up your butt!! Divorce and the reason for the divorce is a civil matter. It's not his captains business why you two are divorcing and it certainly does not matter when it comes to you getting continued support. You need to call the chaplain's office, then call Family Advocacy and then call his first shirt...the 1st sargeant in his unit.

Your husband left you in a lurch before there was any adultery on your part. Anyone else tries to get into a discussion with you over the reasons for the divorce tell them that it's between you and him and that all you are concerned about at this time is taking care of yourself and your daughter.

Another question...Does your daughter have an I.D. card. Do you take her to the Dr. on post? Did he declare her to be a dependent? If so then be sure you tell whoever you talk to about this too.

Don't sit around and wait for these people to come help you and don't walk away and give up just because you run into some jerk of a captain that is trying to intimidate you. Get on the phone and get busy getting yourself some help.

[BABYLUV1983]

Yeah, sometimes its easier said than done. I have tried all I can try. I just want a boost, and I can be on my way. I know I will be fine once I am up and out. Its just getting up is what is hard. It really hurts to see nothing in the fridge and try to find something to eat for my baby. I have tried to comprimise with him, he is saying that he will bring a girl he has been talking to down here and sleeping with her and then we can take it from there. Its not a game. Mean while we are here struggleing and trying to survive. I am done with him, at the time we needed him most he rather sit back and be satisfied that we are screwed and need him more than ever. I just wish that there was a way I can get something out of him during the divorce because he was so greedy and selfish. Knowing damn well I cant get anything from the state because we are married. I have been on the assistance in the past and have tried to get it now, no one is going to fall for it. They think its a scam. I am still trying though dont get me wrong, but it is so hard when the tank is empty and the phone is fixing to get shut off. you know? Plus its the holidays and it makes things more depressing when I look at my daughter and feel like a faliure whe she has to see her mom this way. There is alot going on emotionally too, and I just feel like giving up sometimes. I am so tired of the stress. There has been nothing good going on this year except my daughter birth, but she isnt even here anymore. Im sorry I am feeling really down today. I just had to let this out. Thanks for listening again!

[BABYLUV1983]

ok.. I know this is totally off subject. Since I cared for both of my children while my husband was in Iraq and the baby died at 2 months old, I would still be able to file my taxes married filing sepratley and claim both of my kids. This would be fair being he really hasnt been supporting me the past 4 or 5 months that we have been having this conflict right?

[BABYLUV1983]

Also, when we got on post housing my husband had already revoked the POA and he told me to just use the POA I had and claim that I still had POA. I am hoping I dont get into trouble for this later on. Also I want to get a used car, a friend that works at a car lot said that he can get me 1 0 down. I used both me and my husbands credit being I have no Job and he is in the military and we were financed. I want to get this car and have it put in my name, so when he gets home he can take his car and we can move on with our lives, although I need to take the POA in and let them make a copy of it. Would I get into any trouble with that? I mean could my husband take away the cara if it is in my name and I am making the payments and stuff? I just need a vehicle fast and this is the only way I can get one, so that I can get on my feet and the hell out of this marriage before it drives me nuts!!!

[BABYLUV1983]

Just when you think thing cant get anyworse. On christmas I just found out I am pregnant from the guy I was seeing. He is in Jail now... OMG what am I supossed to do now?

[stealth2]

Originally Posted by BABYLUV1983

Just when you think thing cant get anyworse. On christmas I just found out I am pregnant from the guy I was seeing. He is in Jail now... OMG what am I supossed to do now?

Uuuuuhhhh.... Start making better choices?

[AHA]

Originally Posted by BABYLUV1983

Just when you think thing cant get anyworse. On christmas I just found out I am pregnant from the guy I was seeing. He is in Jail now... OMG what am I supossed to do now?

Have you tried using birthcontrol? You really shouldn't bring more kids into your life before you are emotionally and financially able to give them the care they need. What are your plans with this new guy? I think you are moving things waaaaaaaay to fast, and that's a recepie for disaster pretty much every time.
If you are against abortion there's always adoption to provide the best for your baby. You need to seriously slow down with men and babies, and build a life on your own two feet or you'll risk being stuck in less desirable living and situations for many many years.