Financial debacle

[needoutnow]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OHIO
I need feedback please. I am married to a verbally and financially abusive husband. We have two children, 15 & 2.5. He works full time in a labor position and averages $45,000/yr. Sometimes less in recent years, but last year was $45; one year it was $70k, but that was quite a while back. I am a self-employed stay at home mom. I have a college degree; he does not. After all the deductions I'm allowed to take, I only claim about $9-$14k in annual income. Our oldest child is in a private school that charges about $12k, but we receive some offset/grant and we pay about $6200 over 9-10 months.
Husband filed bankruptcy about five years ago. I did not. In fact, I paid off the one thing in both our names to preclude myself from filing. Without extensive detail, my spouse nickels and dimes us to broke. WE were separated seven years ago and he signed (forged) my name on loan documents - which is the loan I paid off ($7k). The bankruptcy court came back a year after BK was final and demanded that I pay back almost $11k in tax return money (two years worth), even though I did not file BK, b/c I was married to him. I had our accountant verify and submit that about $9500 of the refund was a result of my home based biz deductions. To no avail, I had to pay the tax return amount to the BK court anyhow.
I had my husband to Dave Ramsey, tried to set up weekly meeting with him about finances. He literally waves me off. Doesn't believe what I print out of his bank account in b&w (we have separate accts for seven yrs) and I have basically borrowed from Peter to pay Paul for the last few years. We went from $28k in credit card debt to around $40 with the paying of the BK court. NOW, we have approximately $73,000 in credit card debt, almost all in my name b/c of his BK filing. The dynamic is difficult to explain of how I transfer $. But due to his overspending DAILY/WEEKLY now...I borrow from my till so to speak, I keep like 95% (instead of 50% that I actually profit) to pay bills. NOTHING illegal and again, difficult to explain. He also regularly steals physical money out of my money bag where I've collected payment from people at my shows and steals his oldest child's $$ that saving/put away. Yes, seriously!
I am preparing to leave with our children. Husband does not BELIEVE I will do this and I simply don't discuss it... I am quiet now (most of time) b/c I am done arguing. He does not want to hear of our debt, does not believe that we owe what we owe... says I "drain his account" that I "rob" him every Friday (this is when I try to pay bills out of his automatically deposited check before he blows it all b4 Monday).. Since early April, I've been lucky to get $150-$200 per week to pay bills. As of Jan this year, I stopped CYA-ing him when he overdrafts, so now he has racked up about $2000 in OD charges this year. We owe about $4700 per month. Sometimes I’ve only brought in $1000, up to $2500.. But he spends the same.
Most of the above verbiage I quoted above (among MANY MANY more things) is said to my eldest child.
When winter gets here the verbal abuse will become paralyzing for my older child and a tongue-lashing on me. Husband is very cyclical - summer is the "honeymoon" - ha-ha - period = least verbal abuse...
I want to keep my child in the private school. I have been upping my hb-biz workload and am prepared to work it to the max potential. I originally did not want any CS or spousal but due to all the financial mismanagement particularly this year, I NEED it now.
I want to know what I can expect in child support and if I could get any spousal? Married 15 years. Only savings was about $11500 in a 401k that has now lost 45%...
Oh, we are currently refi house into his name only (loan) and taking out $12k cash (85% LTV) that will pay some of my biz cc and a personal loan to a family member. I am trying to wait to leave until this closes. The new mortgage loan payment will be about $750 include t&i.
I AM AFRAID. He will stalk at first, then put me down to our children, berate, belittle, ANTAGONIZE child(ren) and blame me. I am as mentally prepared as I can be. So what financial advice do you have?
Along with would any judge consider his ability to care for our 2 year old - he smokes like a train, he cusses worse than ANY sailor ever KNOWN to man, he degrades, antagonizes our children, instigates, etc. But it will only be my word and my oldest child's (which may be tricky /b/c it is dad and doesn't want to hurt him...)
I know this was really long- so sorry. More detailed/personal than I intended, but overflowing with emotion right now. THANKS very much!

 

[futuredust]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OHIO
I need feedback please. I am married to a verbally and financially abusive husband. We have two children, 15 & 2.5. He works full time in a labor position and averages $45,000/yr. Sometimes less in recent years, but last year was $45; one year it was $70k, but that was quite a while back. I am a self-employed stay at home mom. I have a college degree; he does not. After all the deductions I'm allowed to take, I only claim about $9-$14k in annual income. Our oldest child is in a private school that charges about $12k, but we receive some offset/grant and we pay about $6200 over 9-10 months.
Husband filed bankruptcy about five years ago. I did not. In fact, I paid off the one thing in both our names to preclude myself from filing. Without extensive detail, my spouse nickels and dimes us to broke. WE were separated seven years ago and he signed (forged) my name on loan documents - which is the loan I paid off ($7k). The bankruptcy court came back a year after BK was final and demanded that I pay back almost $11k in tax return money (two years worth), even though I did not file BK, b/c I was married to him. I had our accountant verify and submit that about $9500 of the refund was a result of my home based biz deductions. To no avail, I had to pay the tax return amount to the BK court anyhow.
I had my husband to Dave Ramsey, tried to set up weekly meeting with him about finances. He literally waves me off. Doesn't believe what I print out of his bank account in b&w (we have separate accts for seven yrs) and I have basically borrowed from Peter to pay Paul for the last few years. We went from $28k in credit card debt to around $40 with the paying of the BK court. NOW, we have approximately $73,000 in credit card debt, almost all in my name b/c of his BK filing. The dynamic is difficult to explain of how I transfer $. But due to his overspending DAILY/WEEKLY now...I borrow from my till so to speak, I keep like 95% (instead of 50% that I actually profit) to pay bills. NOTHING illegal and again, difficult to explain. He also regularly steals physical money out of my money bag where I've collected payment from people at my shows and steals his oldest child's $$ that saving/put away. Yes, seriously!
I am preparing to leave with our children. Husband does not BELIEVE I will do this and I simply don't discuss it... I am quiet now (most of time) b/c I am done arguing. He does not want to hear of our debt, does not believe that we owe what we owe... says I "drain his account" that I "rob" him every Friday (this is when I try to pay bills out of his automatically deposited check before he blows it all b4 Monday).. Since early April, I've been lucky to get $150-$200 per week to pay bills. As of Jan this year, I stopped CYA-ing him when he overdrafts, so now he has racked up about $2000 in OD charges this year. We owe about $4700 per month. Sometimes I’ve only brought in $1000, up to $2500.. But he spends the same.
Most of the above verbiage I quoted above (among MANY MANY more things) is said to my eldest child.
When winter gets here the verbal abuse will become paralyzing for my older child and a tongue-lashing on me. Husband is very cyclical - summer is the "honeymoon" - ha-ha - period = least verbal abuse...
I want to keep my child in the private school. I have been upping my hb-biz workload and am prepared to work it to the max potential. I originally did not want any CS or spousal but due to all the financial mismanagement particularly this year, I NEED it now.
I want to know what I can expect in child support and if I could get any spousal? Married 15 years. Only savings was about $11500 in a 401k that has now lost 45%...
Oh, we are currently refi house into his name only (loan) and taking out $12k cash (85% LTV) that will pay some of my biz cc and a personal loan to a family member. I am trying to wait to leave until this closes. The new mortgage loan payment will be about $750 include t&i.
I AM AFRAID. He will stalk at first, then put me down to our children, berate, belittle, ANTAGONIZE child(ren) and blame me. I am as mentally prepared as I can be. So what financial advice do you have?
Along with would any judge consider his ability to care for our 2 year old - he smokes like a train, he cusses worse than ANY sailor ever KNOWN to man, he degrades, antagonizes our children, instigates, etc. But it will only be my word and my oldest child's (which may be tricky /b/c it is dad and doesn't want to hurt him...)
I know this was really long- so sorry. More detailed/personal than I intended, but overflowing with emotion right now. THANKS very much!

This is an awful lot for others to weed through to try and help you.

Please take a moment to relax and then post clear, short, well thought out questions.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OHIO
I need feedback please. I am married to a verbally and financially abusive husband. We have two children, 15 & 2.5. He works full time in a labor position and averages $45,000/yr. Sometimes less in recent years, but last year was $45; one year it was $70k, but that was quite a while back. I am a self-employed stay at home mom. I have a college degree; he does not. After all the deductions I'm allowed to take, I only claim about $9-$14k in annual income. Our oldest child is in a private school that charges about $12k, but we receive some offset/grant and we pay about $6200 over 9-10 months.
Husband filed bankruptcy about five years ago. I did not. In fact, I paid off the one thing in both our names to preclude myself from filing. Without extensive detail, my spouse nickels and dimes us to broke. WE were separated seven years ago and he signed (forged) my name on loan documents - which is the loan I paid off ($7k). The bankruptcy court came back a year after BK was final and demanded that I pay back almost $11k in tax return money (two years worth), even though I did not file BK, b/c I was married to him. I had our accountant verify and submit that about $9500 of the refund was a result of my home based biz deductions. To no avail, I had to pay the tax return amount to the BK court anyhow.
I had my husband to Dave Ramsey, tried to set up weekly meeting with him about finances. He literally waves me off. Doesn't believe what I print out of his bank account in b&w (we have separate accts for seven yrs) and I have basically borrowed from Peter to pay Paul for the last few years. We went from $28k in credit card debt to around $40 with the paying of the BK court. NOW, we have approximately $73,000 in credit card debt, almost all in my name b/c of his BK filing. The dynamic is difficult to explain of how I transfer $. But due to his overspending DAILY/WEEKLY now...I borrow from my till so to speak, I keep like 95% (instead of 50% that I actually profit) to pay bills. NOTHING illegal and again, difficult to explain. He also regularly steals physical money out of my money bag where I've collected payment from people at my shows and steals his oldest child's $$ that saving/put away. Yes, seriously!
I am preparing to leave with our children. Husband does not BELIEVE I will do this and I simply don't discuss it... I am quiet now (most of time) b/c I am done arguing. He does not want to hear of our debt, does not believe that we owe what we owe... says I "drain his account" that I "rob" him every Friday (this is when I try to pay bills out of his automatically deposited check before he blows it all b4 Monday).. Since early April, I've been lucky to get $150-$200 per week to pay bills. As of Jan this year, I stopped CYA-ing him when he overdrafts, so now he has racked up about $2000 in OD charges this year. We owe about $4700 per month. Sometimes I’ve only brought in $1000, up to $2500.. But he spends the same.
Most of the above verbiage I quoted above (among MANY MANY more things) is said to my eldest child.
When winter gets here the verbal abuse will become paralyzing for my older child and a tongue-lashing on me. Husband is very cyclical - summer is the "honeymoon" - ha-ha - period = least verbal abuse...
I want to keep my child in the private school. I have been upping my hb-biz workload and am prepared to work it to the max potential. I originally did not want any CS or spousal but due to all the financial mismanagement particularly this year, I NEED it now.
I want to know what I can expect in child support and if I could get any spousal? Married 15 years. Only savings was about $11500 in a 401k that has now lost 45%...
Oh, we are currently refi house into his name only (loan) and taking out $12k cash (85% LTV) that will pay some of my biz cc and a personal loan to a family member. I am trying to wait to leave until this closes. The new mortgage loan payment will be about $750 include t&i.
I AM AFRAID. He will stalk at first, then put me down to our children, berate, belittle, ANTAGONIZE child(ren) and blame me. I am as mentally prepared as I can be. So what financial advice do you have?
Along with would any judge consider his ability to care for our 2 year old - he smokes like a train, he cusses worse than ANY sailor ever KNOWN to man, he degrades, antagonizes our children, instigates, etc. But it will only be my word and my oldest child's (which may be tricky /b/c it is dad and doesn't want to hurt him...)
I know this was really long- so sorry. More detailed/personal than I intended, but overflowing with emotion right now. THANKS very much!

I am going to be honest with you. I really don't see any way out of your financial debacle without you going ahead and declaring bankruptcy yourself. Even if you double your business, you are not going to be able to service all of that debt. Even if the court orders your husband to pay half of it, its all in your name, he is NOT going to pay willingly so you will always have to be chasing him for the money and may never collect any of it.

If he is a regular employee, or stays a regular employee, you will be able to collect child support because it can be garnished from his paycheck. However, based on how you describe him, he sounds like the type that would quit his job to work under the table, or to take on a subcontractor job, so that money cannot be withheld from his check.

You are going to have to plan to budget your money as if you get no help from him, and consider any help that you DO get, to be a "bonus".

Your husband most likely has some sort of an addiction. I may be drugs, it may be gambling or it may be something else. However that is the only real explanation for where all his money is going.

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree with LD and what she wrote but there are other things that stood out to me.

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OHIO
I need feedback please. I am married to a verbally and financially abusive husband. We have two children, 15 & 2.5. He works full time in a labor position and averages $45,000/yr. Sometimes less in recent years, but last year was $45; one year it was $70k, but that was quite a while back. I am a self-employed stay at home mom. I have a college degree; he does not. After all the deductions I'm allowed to take, I only claim about $9-$14k in annual income. Our oldest child is in a private school that charges about $12k, but we receive some offset/grant and we pay about $6200 over 9-10 months.

Time to move the oldest child to public school.

I had my husband to Dave Ramsey, tried to set up weekly meeting with him about finances. He literally waves me off. Doesn't believe what I print out of his bank account in b&w (we have separate accts for seven yrs) and I have basically borrowed from Peter to pay Paul for the last few years. We went from $28k in credit card debt to around $40 with the paying of the BK court. NOW, we have approximately $73,000 in credit card debt, almost all in my name b/c of his BK filing.

WHY on earth would YOU take out $73000 in credit card debit? WHY would YOU put your name to that much debt?

The dynamic is difficult to explain of how I transfer $. But due to his overspending DAILY/WEEKLY now...I borrow from my till so to speak, I keep like 95% (instead of 50% that I actually profit) to pay bills. NOTHING illegal and again, difficult to explain. He also regularly steals physical money out of my money bag where I've collected payment from people at my shows and steals his oldest child's $$ that saving/put away. Yes, seriously!

And you have stayed with him why?

I am preparing to leave with our children. Husband does not BELIEVE I will do this and I simply don't discuss it... I am quiet now (most of time) b/c I am done arguing. He does not want to hear of our debt, does not believe that we owe what we owe... says I "drain his account" that I "rob" him every Friday (this is when I try to pay bills out of his automatically deposited check before he blows it all b4 Monday).. Since early April, I've been lucky to get $150-$200 per week to pay bills. As of Jan this year, I stopped CYA-ing him when he overdrafts, so now he has racked up about $2000 in OD charges this year. We owe about $4700 per month. Sometimes I’ve only brought in $1000, up to $2500.. But he spends the same.

And those OD charges are MARITAL debt.

I want to keep my child in the private school. I have been upping my hb-biz workload and am prepared to work it to the max potential. I originally did not want any CS or spousal but due to all the financial mismanagement particularly this year, I NEED it now.

Don't expect to get spousal support. Seriously. Don't. Your husband does NOT earn a LOT of money and I have seen judges not award ANY spousal support.

I want to know what I can expect in child support and if I could get any spousal? Married 15 years. Only savings was about $11500 in a 401k that has now lost 45%...

A 401k is NOT a savings account.

Oh, we are currently refi house into his name only (loan) and taking out $12k cash (85% LTV) that will pay some of my biz cc and a personal loan to a family member. I am trying to wait to leave until this closes. The new mortgage loan payment will be about $750 include t&i.

And? He will be entitled to some of your business by the way.

I AM AFRAID. He will stalk at first, then put me down to our children, berate, belittle, ANTAGONIZE child(ren) and blame me. I am as mentally prepared as I can be. So what financial advice do you have?

YOU need to make wiser decisions. Seriously. Your child should go to PUBLIC school. You should find a small apartment and live on what YOU yourself can make.

Along with would any judge consider his ability to care for our 2 year old - he smokes like a train, he cusses worse than ANY sailor ever KNOWN to man, he degrades, antagonizes our children, instigates, etc. But it will only be my word and my oldest child's (which may be tricky /b/c it is dad and doesn't want to hurt him...)

Smoking doesn't matter. Cussing is not illegal. Expect him to get joint custody IF he pursues it.

 

[LdiJ]

I agree with LD and what she wrote but there are other things that stood out to me.


Time to move the oldest child to public school.



WHY on earth would YOU take out $73000 in credit card debit? WHY would YOU put your name to that much debt?



And you have stayed with him why?


And those OD charges are MARITAL debt.


Don't expect to get spousal support. Seriously. Don't. Your husband does NOT earn a LOT of money and I have seen judges not award ANY spousal support.



A 401k is NOT a savings account.



And? He will be entitled to some of your business by the way.


YOU need to make wiser decisions. Seriously. Your child should go to PUBLIC school. You should find a small apartment and live on what YOU yourself can make.



Smoking doesn't matter. Cussing is not illegal. Expect him to get joint custody IF he pursues it.

It looks like they have been married for quite a while, it seems like his financial irreponsibility is only a few years old...that is what makes me suspect an addiction.

When you are married that long, you don't alway cut and run at the first sign of trouble...sometimes you hold on too long.

 

[Ohiogal]

It looks like they have been married for quite a while, it seems like his financial irreponsibility is only a few years old...that is what makes me suspect an addiction.

When you are married that long, you don't alway cut and run at the first sign of trouble...sometimes you hold on too long.

She said five years ago there were issues financially.

 

[kimberlywrites]

It looks like they have been married for quite a while, it seems like his financial irreponsibility is only a few years old...that is what makes me suspect an addiction.

When you are married that long, you don't alway cut and run at the first sign of trouble...sometimes you hold on too long.

Not to mention periods of "honeymoon" phases. Sounds like he has a seasonal affective disorder.

 

[LdiJ]

She said five years ago there were issues financially.

Ok..five years. However they have been together/married for at least 16 years since their oldest is 15. Many people wouldn't cut and run after 11 years of marriage, they would hold on hoping that things would get "fixed".

 

[mistoffolees]

Not to mention periods of "honeymoon" phases. Sounds like he has a seasonal affective disorder.

I think I'd be very careful about making a diagnosis on the basis of the rambling paragraph provided. Even if you were a licensed professional, I would think you'd want to at least meet the 'patient'.

Furthermore, it's not particularly relevant. Even if he has SAD, he refuses to seek treatment, so she needs to make up her mind whether she wants to live her life like that or not.

 

[Ohiogal]

Ok..five years. However they have been together/married for at least 16 years since their oldest is 15. Many people wouldn't cut and run after 11 years of marriage, they would hold on hoping that things would get "fixed".

The point is she is just as responsible for the issues as he is. She made choices. There are consequences to those choices. This debt is marital. They may each be awarded half HOWEVER if she is going to be declare bankruptcy watch the court award her ALL of her debt.

 

[needoutnow]

know some of you may not be interested in this aspect - but when you get married, you close the back door. God does not permit you to walk b/c the going gets tough.. so I sought counseling, he intermittently would improve.. he is an alcoholic. He hasn't drank in eight years. In the first seven yrs of marriage when the drinking problem became apparent and we gave it a name - alcoholism, I was NOT getting a divorce and letting my child, toddler age, up til 7 yrs old, be at the mercy of the courts with someone who regularly drove drunk, blacked out. So that's past, we separated a year when oldest child was 7, yeah, should have ended it then.. but went through all kinds of marital counseling. He did all the right actions/commitments of a 'sorry for past behavior, going to commit to making this work' husband. This is also when I had became a Believer and decided I should shut that back door out of marriage and give it my all. Certainly I thought I had contributed by being very argumentative then. Things actually improved for a while, hence the 2nd child finally. But ultimately now, he's replaced alcohol addiction with boy toy pursuits, that's what i was referring to as seasonal - he is addicted to hunting - i have no qualms about hunting except to the financial detrimet of our family -spends $ weekly to feed deer he's going to shoot, goes in on a land deal (some type of hunting contract) and both the other men are high income earners ($300k+) but he feels he should spend what they are spending on improving the land, etc. I simply stated to him that they are meeting the needs of their family first
He wants me to pay all the bills, refuses to acknowledge the circumstances and I kept transferring balances to free up credit to use to pay overages - this is crazy, slave-to-debt behavior! At some points I am so stressed out trying to figure out what i'm paying today that i'm just glad the payment is made - no matter how I did it. I just kept being sure we weren't late on anything, more credit kept getting extended to me.
I know this is crazy. And I am done with that.
Hence, him racking up Overdraft charges on his checking account.
My 2nd year in my hb-biz I made $35k (gross) but slowed down after birth of 2nd child. I am on track to make about $25k this year, $45 next, $80k within three years, and I should be okay without any child support after that. I want to drop it when I can and just have him contribute to college fund and private school tuition.
So, I want my children to have a relatioship with their dad if it can be healthy - praying this is his wake-up call, but I know it will be worse at first. I'm getting out regardless.
We owe/make:

• $73k on cc debt.
• $8k on student loan debt from college still.
• He makes $45,000.
• I'll make about about $20-$25,000 this year. Worst case, about $55k w/in three years, but seriously, I know how to increase my biz and plan to be at $80-$90k.
• His OD charges are on HIS checking account - my name not on his. His name not on mine - the charges are paid. One of the reasons, I've had little $$ to pay regular bills, etc, b/c all his paycheck goes to OD charges...
• I do NOT want to file BK.I want to meet my moral and financial obligations.
• Other suggestions on that aspect?
  And are you all going to say, that whether a judge orders him to pay half of cc debt or not, that I am legally responsible b/c a divorce decree doesn't supercede cc/financial contract/obligation?

 

[Ohiogal]

know some of you may not be interested in this aspect - but when you get married, you close the back door. God does not permit you to walk b/c the going gets tough..

And the court doesn't care.

so I sought counseling, he intermittently would improve.. he is an alcoholic. He hasn't drank in eight years. In the first seven yrs of marriage when the drinking problem became apparent and we gave it a name - alcoholism, I was NOT getting a divorce and letting my child, toddler age, up til 7 yrs old, be at the mercy of the courts with someone who regularly drove drunk, blacked out. So that's past, we separated a year when oldest child was 7, yeah, should have ended it then.. but went through all kinds of marital counseling. He did all the right actions/commitments of a 'sorry for past behavior, going to commit to making this work' husband. This is also when I had became a Believer and decided I should shut that back door out of marriage and give it my all. Certainly I thought I had contributed by being very argumentative then. Things actually improved for a while, hence the 2nd child finally.

YOU made decisions. There are consequences.

But ultimately now, he's replaced alcohol addiction with boy toy pursuits, that's what i was referring to as seasonal - he is addicted to hunting - i have no qualms about hunting except to the financial detrimet of our family -spends $ weekly to feed deer he's going to shoot, goes in on a land deal (some type of hunting contract) and both the other men are high income earners ($300k+) but he feels he should spend what they are spending on improving the land, etc. I simply stated to him that they are meeting the needs of their family first

HE FEEDS deer he is going to shoot? Really?

He wants me to pay all the bills, refuses to acknowledge the circumstances and I kept transferring balances to free up credit to use to pay overages - this is crazy, slave-to-debt behavior!

YOU made those decisions. YOU decided to get credit cards in YOUR name. YOU made those choices. You get to deal with the consequences.

At some points I am so stressed out trying to figure out what i'm paying today that i'm just glad the payment is made - no matter how I did it. I just kept being sure we weren't late on anything, more credit kept getting extended to me.
I know this is crazy. And I am done with that.

And it is marital debt. But if you are declaring bankruptcy the COURT will make you financially responsible for all the debt in your name.

Hence, him racking up Overdraft charges on his checking account.

And that is marital debt.

My 2nd year in my hb-biz I made $35k (gross) but slowed down after birth of 2nd child. I am on track to make about $25k this year, $45 next, $80k within three years, and I should be okay without any child support after that. I want to drop it when I can and just have him contribute to college fund and private school tuition.

And unless he AGREES the court will NOT order him to contribute to college and private school.

So, I want my children to have a relatioship with their dad if it can be healthy - praying this is his wake-up call, but I know it will be worse at first. I'm getting out regardless.

You don't get to determine what kind of relationship the children have. The court will order visitation/custody based on the best interest factors.

We owe/make:

• $73k on cc debt.
• $8k on student loan debt from college still.

• 
  Your student loans? Were they used for schooling OR for expenses? In Ohio if they were used for YOUR education then that is a separate expense. Unless you want him to be able to lay claim to your FUTURE earnings. If the loans were used to cover living expenses then they are marital debt.
  
  

  [*]He makes $45,000.
  [*]I'll make about about $20-$25,000 this year. Worst case, about $55k w/in three years, but seriously, I know how to increase my biz and plan to be at $80-$90k.

  Do NOT expect alimony at all.
  
  
  

  [*]His OD charges are on HIS checking account - my name not on his. His name not on mine - the charges are paid. One of the reasons, I've had little $$ to pay regular bills, etc, b/c all his paycheck goes to OD charges...

  And it is MARITAL debt.
  

  [*]I do NOT want to file BK.I want to meet my moral and financial obligations.

  The creditors are NOT a party to your divorce. At. All. They will hold you to paying whatever debt is in YOUR name. Even if the court orders him to be responsible for some.
  
  

  [*]Other suggestions on that aspect?
  And are you all going to say, that whether a judge orders him to pay half of cc debt or not, that I am legally responsible b/c a divorce decree doesn't supercede cc/financial contract/obligation?

  Yep.

 

[LdiJ]

The point is she is just as responsible for the issues as he is. She made choices. There are consequences to those choices. This debt is marital. They may each be awarded half HOWEVER if she is going to be declare bankruptcy watch the court award her ALL of her debt.

All the debt is in her name anyway, so I don't understand the point you are making...

 

[Ohiogal]

All the debt is in her name anyway, so I don't understand the point you are making...

Some people try to force their ex to pay half the debt that is in their name because it is marital. Which in Ohio you can do. But then the individual whose name the debt is in declares bankruptcy and said debt is discharged. They then try to collect the half of the debt their ex was supposed to pay. Basically profiting off of the bankruptcy.

In Ohio, the court asks either of the parties is going to declare bankruptcy. If the parties say no and later one does, that becomes an issue.

 

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If it were physically possible, I'd swear that this woman has been married to my ex-husband!Same demon, anyhow. He stopped drinking, only to become a spendthrift. Same song, different verse. Yes, oh yes, you can stay in a relationship far too long.

Complete separation, divorce, and bankruptcy for you is the only real answer. Soon as possible. Do not even dream of asking him for child support, as he will do exactly what was mentioned, go under the table, cash only. Or go to jail. He will fight you to the bloody end on this, I bet on it. They can order him to pay half the debts. When he doesn't, then what?

It's good you're trying to uphold your obligations, be moral, take the high road. However, the financial counselors and religious counselors do not have a very good program for people whose spouse won't play by their rules.
Try to get cleanly away, don't ask him to pay for anything, and encourage total no contact with him for yourself and your children. Don't make them help you fight with daddy in court or out, let them love their daddy for what has been the good parts of his parenting, understand that he has problems.

He has been busy in the summers, making money, working, he has probably got a seasonal job, is cooped up in the house a lot more in winter. So he has more meltdowns. Whether he is actively drinking or drugging right now, did you ever hear the term 'dry-drunk'? Have you ever particpated in Al-Anon? When you are free of his restrictions, check out a meeting and hear lots of stories about people who have been screwed around as badly as you with the very best of intentions. You'll gain power and strength here.

While divorce is not a good option, there is such a thing as having "emotionally abandoned the relationship." His unfaithfulness was not with other women. Of course he isn't going to leave this situation where all his bills are being paid. But you have been financially raped and cheated on for a long time. His own desires and addictions are much more important to him than making a go of his life with you or raising his kids. He just thinks you will not leave him, no matter what he does to you, because of your religious ideals. He may talk a good game, and be sorry, but he doesn't have this agenda. His agenda is getting supported while he does as he pleases.Your no-divorce stance makes you a better victim.

When you get away, you may find out about lots more bills, loans, check-to-cash places that your husband owes. You're only finding the surface things. You may even find that he has been offering money to someone who will take care of "the nagging old lady" for half the insurance money, no child support.

And in a few years, he will be totally on his own, indigent, probably in a nursing home, on public assistance. Maybe this will cause God to get his attention, maybe not. This is not your battle to fight.

Calm down, get legal help, get away. Situations like this lead to very bad things if someone doesn't have the courage to leave.