help

[basalerno]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

To whom it may concern:
My family and I two years ago moved up to New York from Florida. I have 2 daughters, 17 and 16. After purchasing a house 6 months later my wife said that she wanted a divorce. We've been living in the house since. She has now told me and have mede the girls come to me and say that if I don't move out thjey will move back down to Florida. Neither one of my girls want to move back but feel that they will be pressured into this move. If I move out is that considered desertion? secondly, is there any way that I could have a letter written stating that I will move out only on the the condition that I'm doing this for my girls and that if she wants a divorce I'll file the documentation but only on the condition that she can live ion the house till the girls graduate and thereafter the house is put up for sale. I'm being very honest, there has never been any verbal, physical or emotional abuse from me. When we sold our house in Florida back in 2006 we had moved in with her parents and in the winter of 2006 I first moved to New York to start my job and also look for a house while my wife and girls stayed back in Florida till the school year ended. By June of 2006 I found a house, placed a deposit on the house, put the deposit down on the house and purchased the house. The one problem I have now is I got talked into putting my Mother-in-Law and me on the morgtage. This was pushed to me by my wife, my mother-in-law and her son, who by the way is an attorney. They said it would be better off for Melissa and I because it would help us out with taxes since my Mother-in-law is in her late 70's. I'm very frustrated and very confused. My wife is 44 and I just turned 60, that right there had me starting to think whether or not this was all planned. When something liek this happens everything can go through your thoughts, and this is just one of them. Since there was no physical or any abuse what so ever at all during these times, and the only reason of an answer that I'm getting is, I can't do this anymore, that's it. So now I'm really getting worried and concerned that if I leave as asked, which by the way I do not want ot leave, and my girls are forced to gpo back to Florida, which they do not want to do, what are my options, what can I do as a parent first?, and as a husband? Would appreciate any assistance possible.

Thank you for listening.

Bart Salerno

 

[mistoffolees]

Do NOT leave (unless you don't care about having reasonable custody in the end). If you leave, you weaken your chances for custody because you voluntarily leave the kids. It could even be used to lessen the amount of visitation you get even if you don't want custody.

Check with an attorney. It MAY be OK for you to leave if you have a written agreement (witnessed) with your stbx outlining the custody and visitation arrangements you agree to and stating that you both agree that the temporary arrangements will become permanent. However, that might not fly in your state so ask your attorney.

As for her moving back to FL with the kids, she's bluffing (or uninformed). The children are now NY residents. If she moves, you can immediately file for divorce and ask the judge for immediate custody on the basis of her removing the kids from the jurisdiction of the court. Unless there were abuse or some other critical issue, that request is commonly granted. So she'd be cutting her own throat by leaving with the kids.

You can reach almost any agreement you want on the house. Saying that she can stay there until the kids graduate from high school is certainly possible, but I'd encourage you to think hard before doing that. Kids adjust to a new home so it won't be the end of the world for them if they move. OTOH, if you continue to own a home with your ex-wife, there are plenty of potential problems - which can escalate into outright war. I strongly believe that the 'smoothest' divorces are those where all issues are resolved and brought to closure as soon as possible. Leaving issues for future resolution can create endless problems (just spend some time reading this board if you need proof of that).

Having your mother-in-law on the mortgage isn't that big of an issue. If she is on the deed, it is a bigger issue. However, probably not a critical one since it is unlikely that there is much equity in the home after only 2 years, anyway. Who cares how many ways you have to split the equity if the equity is $0.00?

 

[basalerno]

thank you

Thank you very much. I'm sensing that Caitlin and Kelsey are being manipulated to some degree, I hate to say that but that's what I feel. I mean we get along, they know what's going on, they know how their Mother feels, they certainly know how I feel, but when you get emails from your own children asking you to just leave, that kind of gets you in the gut, if you know what I mean. Every day is a different day, they can laugh with me one day and then the next they are asking me when am I going to leave and go to the apartment. Look, if I've said it once I'll say it again, there has never been any verbal, physical or emothional abuse what so ever from me. Even when she first mentioned this a while ago, I was always willing to make it right or change what ever needed to be changed from that point on, but from her perspective, it was to late, but that question still arises in my head, to late for what, nothing was ever done to her to get those feelings. I have tried for the past 16 months to make what ever she thought was wrong, right. From going through counseling to just looking at life from a different perspective. But nothing seems to work. Look, one can not change someone, but they can certainly change themselves from within, I'm just exausted trying to save it and don't know what to do. Maybe it is time to just say, the heck wioth it and move on, but it's very hard when you've loved someone for so long and then, bam, out of the blue they say they can't do it anymore. I just want to say thank you and will keep in touch.

Bart Salerno

Do NOT leave (unless you don't care about having reasonable custody in the end). If you leave, you weaken your chances for custody because you voluntarily leave the kids. It could even be used to lessen the amount of visitation you get even if you don't want custody.

Check with an attorney. It MAY be OK for you to leave if you have a written agreement (witnessed) with your stbx outlining the custody and visitation arrangements you agree to and stating that you both agree that the temporary arrangements will become permanent. However, that might not fly in your state so ask your attorney.

As for her moving back to FL with the kids, she's bluffing (or uninformed). The children are now NY residents. If she moves, you can immediately file for divorce and ask the judge for immediate custody on the basis of her removing the kids from the jurisdiction of the court. Unless there were abuse or some other critical issue, that request is commonly granted. So she'd be cutting her own throat by leaving with the kids.

You can reach almost any agreement you want on the house. Saying that she can stay there until the kids graduate from high school is certainly possible, but I'd encourage you to think hard before doing that. Kids adjust to a new home so it won't be the end of the world for them if they move. OTOH, if you continue to own a home with your ex-wife, there are plenty of potential problems - which can escalate into outright war. I strongly believe that the 'smoothest' divorces are those where all issues are resolved and brought to closure as soon as possible. Leaving issues for future resolution can create endless problems (just spend some time reading this board if you need proof of that).

Having your mother-in-law on the mortgage isn't that big of an issue. If she is on the deed, it is a bigger issue. However, probably not a critical one since it is unlikely that there is much equity in the home after only 2 years, anyway. Who cares how many ways you have to split the equity if the equity is $0.00?

 

[Proserpina]

OP, please take out the real names - it's a public forum and anyone can access and read the posts.