help- sudden divorce and lots of debt

[sad1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA
My husband has just decided he hates his life and wants a divorce. He wants it fast too. However, we have only been seperated 3 weeks and we just bought a home 2 years ago. We owe on it more than it is worth in the market with a home equity loan. It also needs some major work done before it is sellable. We both have significant student loan debt, credit card debt, and new cars. We really don't have any free cash. I have no money for a lawyer and he wants to share one to cut costs. We also have lots of animals to find homes for. I am not sure how we can get a divorce or how to pay for it. his family has money and can probably help him out, but I do not. How is this even going to work? He is not talking rationally right now and just wants to sell the house and take the loss, but I don't even see how that is possible. We couldn't even get approved for a 10k loan a few months ago.

help!!!! I don't see how this is going to work and he wants out. I am terrified and sad.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

An attorney can only represent ONE of you. If your X is hiring the attorney, I can equivicably say that they will NOT be looking out for your best interest.

Now, if someone doesn't want to stay married, they aren't stay married. But because of the housing market right, it doesn't make sense to sell. You'll have to share the cost of the difference of the loan.

Can either of you swing the payments by yourself?

 

[nextwife]

I am always curious about such scenarios: If you had bought a house that needed lots of work (equal to lots of money needed), had student loans and other debt, WHY would you:

A. have bought TWO new cars?
B. Assumed responsibility for housing multiple animals, bringing multiple food and vet and other expenses? When you have no extra available cash?

 

[sad1]

well- there were two of us that made these decisions. we do have extra cash, but not enough to pay for these divorce expenses. we were planning on being at the house a long time, so we were doing updates as we went. but now all of a sudden he wants out. We can pay for the animals. always have. but that is very different than shelling out the money that is needed to make the house sellable. I cannot afford the mortgage myself at all. he pays for most of it.

I guess he was saying that we would go through the finanaces ourselves and have a lawyer go over it. although I don't see how that is going to happen on our own. He cannot talk to me without screaming at me and I am concered about getting screwed since he has family with money to help him.

I am thinking now I may move out and give him the house. he and his family could make the payments and do the improvements. I just want out of here. although making rent will be tough.

 

[stealth2]

Ditto nextwife - and I house 3 dogs, 4 cats, a rabbit, a gerbil, a hamster and a few reptiles. But.... also have no housing expenses besides utilities. And drive a 10+ yo vehicle.

 

[Farfalla]

If you just let him take the house, make sure that there is a provision for him to refinance or take you off the mortgage one way or the other. Do not sign over the deed to him unless this happens. Otherwise if he defaults on the loan, you will have to pay the house and you will end up paying for a house that you have no ownership rights to.

Maybe his family can help him with a refinance.

You need to seriously restructure your finances... get rid of the new car. For example my car was totalled a few weeks ago. I replaced it with a 2000 Toyota.. paid under $4000 cash for it. Why? Because we want to sell our house and down size. Houses are selling slow and the value has of course gone done. We have a lot of equity but not as much as we used to. So I don't want any payments and as little debt as possible until we make the move and buy the new house. It really is great to not have a car payment. It's worth driving an older car for this freedom. It's a wise choice. Restructure.

Call the student loan folks and see if they will give you a break for a while. Some loans can do that.

Than you can afford an attorney. Since there is a large disparity between your incomes you also might be able to get the court to have your husband pay all or a part of your legal fees. It sounds like all the two of you reallly have to fight about in this divorce is who gets stuck with which debt.

 

[sad1]

he doesnt even want to go to court. he somehow thinks we can do this on our own. I would like to go to mediation, but he doesn't want to. good point about the refinance on the house. I am thinking that is what I would like to do, we'll see if he will take it. I am working on maybe moving in with a friend for a bit to save some money. That is also a good point with the car, but it really isn't new. it is a used car, but the car payments are a lot for me.

I am also under his car insurance and benefits. so those expenses will be added into what I already owe myself. I am hoping to maybe get some fees paid for or some financial help. He wants out at all costs, so I am hoping to use that to my advantage to get better off financially. He will be fine in the longterm. he is due to get a big raise soon too.

I am starting to sell of some of my personal things, that he has agreed to let me sell. but there is so much. I am just overwhelmed. If I sign him the house and leave most of the furniture and appliances we bought together, would that possibly help me get any money from that? he still won't speak to me so I am not even sure how we are going to get this settled without lawyers.

 

[Farfalla]

he doesnt even want to go to court. he somehow thinks we can do this on our own. I would like to go to mediation, but he doesn't want to. good point about the refinance on the house. I am thinking that is what I would like to do, we'll see if he will take it.

You need to give him choices that you can live with. Either he refinances so you are not obligated and you sign the deed over to him. .. or the house is sold and you both share in the loss. If you don’t’ do one or the other your finances will be tied to his after divorce. Your credit will be over burdened by a house you have no access to and cannot even sell.

I am also under his car insurance and benefits. so those expenses will be added into what I already owe myself. I am hoping to maybe get some fees paid for or some financial help. He wants out at all costs, so I am hoping to use that to my advantage to get better off financially. He will be fine in the longterm. he is due to get a big raise soon too.

I can image that he wants out of all the bills. The problem is that most of the bills will not go away. He’s still going to owe a lot.

I am starting to sell of some of my personal things, that he has agreed to let me sell. but there is so much. I am just overwhelmed. If I sign him the house and leave most of the furniture and appliances we bought together, would that possibly help me get any money from that? he still won't speak to me so I am not even sure how we are going to get this settled without lawyers.

Do you mean if you leaves these things, might you get more cash from any cash you two have? Maybe. The way I did it in my divorce was to make an inventory of all we had. I put the lists in excel and we divided things according to value. We each took some ‘stuff’ and we each got some cash. So if you do it that way it might work. If he does not want the furniture he might try to push that off on you, thinking he’ll get more cash.
Keep in mind that anything you owned before marriage is yours and not part of the marital property. Any thing you were gifted is also yours. All debt you had before marriage is yours alone too.

 

[sad1]

I am totally overwhelmed by all of this. I really don't know how to do this. he only wants to "talk" over email to discuss how we are going to split things up. I just don't see how that is going to work out. I can't focus on anything right now. I am staying at the house and its so overwhelming. but I can't leave because I have all the animals. We still have access to each other's bank accounts and he is spending tons of money shopping, going out and at strip clubs and its killing me. I am hurt and I am broke.

this just seems like its going so fast and he only told me he wanted the divorce two days ago. I just feel like I can't afford this right now and I am emotionally not prepared. Can anyone give me some guidance on how to get through this? I am in therapy but I feel like I need to live with her right now, not see her once a week. every day seems like an eternity.

I want to be friends with him and do this nicely since I am the one that will be getting screwed financially, but this is just so hard and overwhelming with the situation we are in and not even seeing each other or talking.

I feel like I cannot handle this. (I know this is for legal advice, but I am just so overwhelmed by all of these things.)

 

[Tallrat]

sad1 Monday morning call a lawyer. He will find out he does not get to call all the shots. Beg , borrow the money. Use a credit card. You will spend a lot less money in the long run. In the meantime get your money into your own account.

 

[majomom1]

I am totally overwhelmed by all of this. I really don't know how to do this. he only wants to "talk" over email to discuss how we are going to split things up. I just don't see how that is going to work out. I can't focus on anything right now. I am staying at the house and its so overwhelming. but I can't leave because I have all the animals. We still have access to each other's bank accounts and he is spending tons of money shopping, going out and at strip clubs and its killing me. I am hurt and I am broke.

this just seems like its going so fast and he only told me he wanted the divorce two days ago. I just feel like I can't afford this right now and I am emotionally not prepared. Can anyone give me some guidance on how to get through this? I am in therapy but I feel like I need to live with her right now, not see her once a week. every day seems like an eternity.

I want to be friends with him and do this nicely since I am the one that will be getting screwed financially, but this is just so hard and overwhelming with the situation we are in and not even seeing each other or talking.

I feel like I cannot handle this. (I know this is for legal advice, but I am just so overwhelmed by all of these things.)

Don't let him rush, or push you. This is not the time to make any rash decisions. Ultimately it will all have to go through the court for final approval. Get you own counsel so that you can be sure that you are protecting your interests.

You say he only screams at you when he talks. You also said that he wants to use email. So, use the email. Make a list of all the property, assets, debts... everything. Take it all to an attorney that can help you sort it all out - without the emotion.

I would also suggest going to church. A friend invited me to church during the first months of my divorce, and I found a lot of "support" from members there that helped me between therapy sessions. Some churches even have "Divorce Care" support classes that will help you through the process so you can make good decisions.

 

[majomom1]

Sad1 -- Turn on your PM's...

 

[LdiJ]

Take away his access to your bank accounts and paycheck, immediately. Cancel any joint credit cards as well.

 

[Farfalla]

I am totally overwhelmed by all of this. I really don't know how to do this. he only wants to "talk" over email to discuss how we are going to split things up. I just don't see how that is going to work out. I can't focus on anything right now. I am staying at the house and its so overwhelming. but I can't leave because I have all the animals.

Using email is actually the best way to do this. There is too much emotion and anger. With email, each of you can take the time to calm down after reading the email and decide how to handle with a clear head. Avoiding all opportunity to yell at each other and cause further distress is very good.

As others have said, do not let him rush you. Sounds like he’s already moved out. Stay where you are right now.

In California “Pre-trial interim spousal support is typically awarded to help an individual in need meet their financial and lifestyle needs through the duration of the divorce process.”
Get an attorney tomorrow. To prepare for the attorney a list of the following for both of you: assets, income, accounts with their balances, bills (utilities, etc) and debts. Make sure you include the cost for taking care of and rehomeing your pets. For the first meeting it does not need to be 100% to the penny. Ask the attorney to file for divorce, to get you Pre-trial interim spousal support. Also ask that attorney fees come out of marital assets and income. The idea here is to even out the income/debt situation while the divorce is ongoing. Basically this will make sure that all of your bills (both of your bills) are paid and that each of you share equally in the income you are both taking in for the duration of the divorce process. You probably will not be entitled to spousal support after the divorce.

What have you been doing to re-home the animals? How many of each do you have, what kind and what age are they? Have you tried ads on craigslist classifieds: jobs, housing, personals, for sale, services, community, events, forums for rehoming. You can take them to the Animal Humain Society. It will cost you for each of them. But they has an option… here it is an extra $15 per animal. If they cannot rehome the pet, they will call you before euthanizing it giving you the option to come get the pet and try more rehoming options. Contact breed-specific rescue organizations, they might be able to find foster care for the pets and rehome them. Again there might be a fee. At last resort there is the dog pound…. Don’t know your local dog pound so I don’t know what to say there. Here I’d give my pet to them because a good friend of mine is a supervisor there and she’s wonderful at placing them. She works very closely with the rescue organizations to the get pets out of the pound if they are not placed in a timely manner.

We still have access to each other's bank accounts and he is spending tons of money shopping, going out and at strip clubs and its killing me. I am hurt and I am broke.

Get him off all of your accounts tomorrow. If you have to close them down and open new ones in your name only.

Filing for divorce might also put a stop to some of his wasting or marital assets as he will not have access to them. Plus you will no longer be responsible for any debt he makes after you file.

this just seems like its going so fast and he only told me he wanted the divorce two days ago. I just feel like I can't afford this right now and I am emotionally not prepared. Can anyone give me some guidance on how to get through this? I am in therapy but I feel like I need to live with her right now, not see her once a week. every day seems like an eternity.

Ok two days…. Take a deep breath. You will make it through this. You are just in shock. Most people are not prepared for divorce when their spouse springs this… not emotionally and not financially. That is the nature of the beast. You need a plan… you are getting good advice here. Go through the posts, make a list ordered by priority and work it. Don’t worry about next week. This wee you just need to get him off ALL of your accounts and get an attorney to get the ball rolling… to protect yourself from ‘rampage’ he’s on.

I want to be friends with him and do this nicely since I am the one that will be getting screwed financially, but this is just so hard and overwhelming with the situation we are in and not even seeing each other or talking.

From the sounds of it you are both going to get screwed financially, actually already are. But like you said these were joint decisions. Again calm down, make a to do list and work it. Get a few friends as a support group to help you emotionally.
Turn on your PM’s here.

I feel like I cannot handle this. (I know this is for legal advice, but I am just so overwhelmed by all of these things.)

You’ll be ok… I know you don’t believe it right now.. but you will be ok.

 

[sad1]

I dont know how to turn on my PMs and I dont know if I want to. I am not sure what he is seeing or looking at. I am using his computer at the house and he does go on there when he comes to the house and I am not here.

I do not want a divorce. I think he is going through a midlife crisis type thing and just needs to blow off steam. We both still want the same things, but he is making me the enemy for his unhappiness and won't listen to me now. The animals are already working on new homes. Although I think he should help rehome them since it hurts to do it and they are his too.

I think if we both just had some time to think, we might come to a point we could talk. but he wants this fast so he can just bail out.

I am going to therapy and have so many things I want to say to him, but he won't hear me. I realize so many things in therapy about how I feel about him and the relationship and the all jive with the things he said he wanted. but now he has shut me off. I feel like this is a rash and wrong decision for us. but I can't do anything about it. but I don't want to let him divorce me quickly, but he said if I contested it and asked for us to be required for counseling that he would not be nice to me anymore and make it hard for me. and I am very vunerable here.

I have a few ideas in place, but I just don't want to lose my marriage. We also both promised to be kind to each other on Friday last we talked, and that we wouldn't do anything drastic or cruel without telling each other first. but I don't know if after we talked on friday and things didn't go well, if he has changed his mind. I dont want to be the first one to make a move because I don't want this. I told him too I would tell him if I hired a lawyer first because he did say he hadn't gotten one yet. I think he wants to avoid legal fees and wants it to be peaceful, quick and amicable. I don't want the divorce.