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  1. #1
    cindeeeee is offline Junior Member
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    Husband threatens to quit job if I file....

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
    OK...the saga continues. I keep asking for a divorce. I want to keep my family home that my alcoholic/porn-addicted husband refuses to maintain in any way at all other than paying the bills. He says I cannot make it without him...but I WILL FIND A WAY. I want him out. He threatened that if he did leave, he'd quit his job and I'd never see a penny from him again. I said "fine. go." He hasn't. Kids are grown...marriage is almost 29 yrs long...he has a union pension that he is now eligible to receive if he retires(30 yrs), but is working a few more years to make the monthly bigger...I work PT and have a part-time pension that I won't be able to collect for about 15 more years....but it will be small. I make about half of what he does but I have excellent benefits and do not want to leave job for FT, so I could work a second job if I had to. I was a stayhome Mom for many years so I wasn't able to establish a FT career as we both felt it was important for me to be home with the children(hence the PT as well). Am I still entitled to 1/2 his pension even tho I have a future teeny one of my own? And how are those kinds of things awarded?? I KNOW he's not going to voluntarily hand over half his pension. He swears he isn't going to give me a cent. What am I entitled to from him? I know I could win an at-fault divorce filing. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
  2. #2
    nextwife is offline Senior Member
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    You'd each be entitled to share the marital accrual of each other's retirement accounts, and share the marital debt. IF he is of retirement age, it may be hard to have the court require him to keep working full time beyond his intended retirement.

    I know many couples in which the roles flip when the main breadwinner hits retirement, and the previously minimally working spouse then takes their turn at working full time so the other one finally gets an opportunity to NOT work, just like they did. Especially when one is many years younger and far more able bodied and physically capable of working full time.
  3. #3
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cindeeeee View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
    OK...the saga continues. I keep asking for a divorce. I want to keep my family home that my alcoholic/porn-addicted husband refuses to maintain in any way at all other than paying the bills. He says I cannot make it without him...but I WILL FIND A WAY. I want him out. He threatened that if he did leave, he'd quit his job and I'd never see a penny from him again. I said "fine. go." He hasn't. Kids are grown...marriage is almost 29 yrs long...he has a union pension that he is now eligible to receive if he retires(30 yrs), but is working a few more years to make the monthly bigger...I work PT and have a part-time pension that I won't be able to collect for about 15 more years....but it will be small. I make about half of what he does but I have excellent benefits and do not want to leave job for FT, so I could work a second job if I had to. I was a stayhome Mom for many years so I wasn't able to establish a FT career as we both felt it was important for me to be home with the children(hence the PT as well). Am I still entitled to 1/2 his pension even tho I have a future teeny one of my own? And how are those kinds of things awarded?? I KNOW he's not going to voluntarily hand over half his pension. He swears he isn't going to give me a cent. What am I entitled to from him? I know I could win an at-fault divorce filing. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
    Yes, you are entitled to a share of his pension...a share of the pension that accrued during your 29 year marriage. Most likely you would also be entitled to some spousal support.

    However, I will tell you that is someone is determined not to pay, they won't and it can be harder than heck to collect from them.

    By family home, do you mean a house that you inherited or were gifted from your parents? Or do you mean the marital home?

    Do not saddle yourself with something that you have to seriously struggle to afford. Let the house be sold and take your share of the marital equity, and buy yourself something more affordable. You will be happier in the long run.
  4. #4
    Bali Hai is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cindeeeee View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
    OK...the saga continues. I keep asking for a divorce. I want to keep my family home that my alcoholic/porn-addicted husband refuses to maintain in any way at all other than paying the bills. He says I cannot make it without him...but I WILL FIND A WAY. I want him out. He threatened that if he did leave, he'd quit his job and I'd never see a penny from him again. I said "fine. go." He hasn't. Kids are grown...marriage is almost 29 yrs long...he has a union pension that he is now eligible to receive if he retires(30 yrs), but is working a few more years to make the monthly bigger...I work PT and have a part-time pension that I won't be able to collect for about 15 more years....but it will be small. I make about half of what he does but I have excellent benefits and do not want to leave job for FT, so I could work a second job if I had to. I was a stayhome Mom for many years so I wasn't able to establish a FT career as we both felt it was important for me to be home with the children(hence the PT as well). Am I still entitled to 1/2 his pension even tho I have a future teeny one of my own? And how are those kinds of things awarded?? I KNOW he's not going to voluntarily hand over half his pension. He swears he isn't going to give me a cent. What am I entitled to from him? I know I could win an at-fault divorce filing. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
    Thinking you could get a fault divorce and actually having the necessary evidence to get one are two different things.

    From what I read in your post, you haven't convinced me that you could get one.
  5. #5
    mistoffolees is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cindeeeee View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
    OK...the saga continues. I keep asking for a divorce. I want to keep my family home that my alcoholic/porn-addicted husband refuses to maintain in any way at all other than paying the bills. He says I cannot make it without him...but I WILL FIND A WAY. I want him out.
    While you've already gotten the answer to your questions about the finances, I would encourage you to adjust your attitude or you'll get creamed in court.

    "refuses to maintain in any way... OTHER THAN PAYING THE BILLS. Sounds like he's doing quite a bit.

    And as for 'I WANT HIM OUT', that's just too bad. He's just as entitled to live in the house as you are until the court orders otherwise.

    It's not YOUR house and you don't get to control his life.
  6. #6
    cindeeeee is offline Junior Member
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    ouch....

    Well Mistoffolees....it's difficult to adjust my attitude after this many years of biting my tongue, covering for him and taking the disrespect and abuse like a champ. So I guess I'm a little bitter. And yes, I realize I've been an enabler and codependant. My husband came with very little and my mother provided the house which we all shared for 19yrs until her 1/2 was inherited to me 10 yrs ago. It was my parent's home and paid for until the ogre wanted a first mortgage to make rennovations and that bill was in all 3 of our names and now has about 7 yrs left. I grew up in this house in a lovely neighborhood that he could never have afforded to live in without me. I don't plan to stay here forever, no...but I want my children to have it, which is another issue because they BOTH want it. I have wanted a divorce for the past 15 years to which I HEAR "NO...I'M NEVER LEAVING AND I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE". He has.
    How is it fair that he gets to retire and sit on his butt drinking all day while I work outside the home and then come home and work twice as hard around the house? When I "got to stay home"...I had to care for children and a 95 yr old grandfather and a mother post heart-surgery. I wasn't sitting around watching soaps and eating bon-bons. I have worked harder at home my whole life than I do at a job. He has always had a nice meal on the table when he got home, a clean place to hang his hat and all the ammenities of a good wife. Now he wants to watch TV and porn while swilling beer and not lifting a finger to take out trash or mow the lawn. He does nothing but make messes, drink and squirrel away money from our joint chkg. He doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything or even let me watch a TV show.
    Does the black eye he gave me some yrs back that my doctor had to treat me for constitute "evidence"? Does our bank statement showing 3 trips a week to the liquor store and chrgs for online porn accounts constitute "evidence"? Does the fact that he's no longer allowed to drive a town-owned vehicle because he drinks too much constitute "evidence"?
    I don't want to control his life, I just want him to move on and live like a dirtbag somewhere else if he so chooses. I don't want him trashing my parents home and hurling foul language at me and threatening to molest me in my sleep.
    I am only 3 yrs younger and he is more able-bodied than I am with regard to retirement. I don't care if he retires...but I will not kill myself cleaning up after him and watching him destroy my home in his drunken fits of rage whenever he gets his nose out of joint.
    I'm not unreasonable and I want to be fair....but I am ready for some PEACE. And yes...I think he owes me for the nice life I've afforded him. I always made money even when I didn't work outside the home by taking in sewing and selling my artwork. I've contributed 100% in effort while he contributed only financially(and he doesn't make all that!) I tried. I gave til it hurt....and now I can't even feel the hurt...I just want peace and quiet and the opportunity to look for a kind companion who'd like to do things I enjoy. I'm sick to death of living in misery with somebody who cares about nobody but himself.
  7. #7
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    You need a consult with an attorney.

    However, as much as you love your home, you really may have to accept the reality that you might not be able to keep it. He is going to be entitled to some portion of the equity in the home that accrued during your marriage, even if his name is not on the title. However, he may be willing to exchange that for your share in his pension.

    The problem with that, is that will make it difficult for you to retire. You will be house rich, and cash poor.

    Good luck.
  8. #8
    Bali Hai is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cindeeeee View Post
    Well Mistoffolees....it's difficult to adjust my attitude after this many years of biting my tongue, covering for him and taking the disrespect and abuse like a champ. So I guess I'm a little bitter. And yes, I realize I've been an enabler and codependant. My husband came with very little and my mother provided the house which we all shared for 19yrs until her 1/2 was inherited to me 10 yrs ago. It was my parent's home and paid for until the ogre wanted a first mortgage to make rennovations and that bill was in all 3 of our names and now has about 7 yrs left.

    Sounds as if he's entitled to 1/3 equity in the home.

    I grew up in this house in a lovely neighborhood that he could never have afforded to live in without me. I don't plan to stay here forever, no...but I want my children to have it, which is another issue because they BOTH want it. I have wanted a divorce for the past 15 years to which I HEAR "NO...I'M NEVER LEAVING AND I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE". He has.
    How is it fair that he gets to retire and sit on his butt drinking all day while I work outside the home and then come home and work twice as hard around the house? When I "got to stay home"...I had to care for children and a 95 yr old grandfather and a mother post heart-surgery. I wasn't sitting around watching soaps and eating bon-bons. I have worked harder at home my whole life than I do at a job. He has always had a nice meal on the table when he got home, a clean place to hang his hat and all the ammenities of a good wife. Now he wants to watch TV and porn while swilling beer and not lifting a finger to take out trash or mow the lawn. He does nothing but make messes, drink and squirrel away money from our joint chkg. He doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything or even let me watch a TV show.

    Being lazy is not grounds for divorce.

    Does the black eye he gave me some yrs back that my doctor had to treat me for constitute "evidence"?

    It might have been had you did something about it some years back.

    Does our bank statement showing 3 trips a week to the liquor store and chrgs for online porn accounts constitute "evidence"?

    Yes, evidence that the judge might be nothing more than casually interested about.

    Does the fact that he's no longer allowed to drive a town-owned vehicle because he drinks too much constitute "evidence"?

    If he were applying for a job where he need a clean driving record, maybe.

    I don't want to control his life, I just want him to move on and live like a dirtbag somewhere else if he so chooses. I don't want him trashing my parents home and hurling foul language at me and threatening to molest me in my sleep.
    I am only 3 yrs younger and he is more able-bodied than I am with regard to retirement. I don't care if he retires...but I will not kill myself cleaning up after him and watching him destroy my home in his drunken fits of rage whenever he gets his nose out of joint.
    I'm not unreasonable and I want to be fair....but I am ready for some PEACE. And yes...I think he owes me for the nice life I've afforded him. I always made money even when I didn't work outside the home by taking in sewing and selling my artwork. I've contributed 100% in effort while he contributed only financially(and he doesn't make all that!) I tried. I gave til it hurt....and now I can't even feel the hurt...I just want peace and quiet and the opportunity to look for a kind companion who'd like to do things I enjoy. I'm sick to death of living in misery with somebody who cares about nobody but himself.
    Be prepared to possibly pay some hefty alimony to get rid of him.
  9. #9
    nextwife is offline Senior Member
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    Realistically, HOW much money TOGETHER will you and he have toward retirement? Is it anywhere NEAR enough for you both to not work, even if you had ONE household? And run the numbers to see if there is anyway it begins to be enough for two, especially if you have a teeny retirement account. And dividing the equity in the home by two, and the party that can afford to buy the other out then refinancing the other off the loan.
  10. #10
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by nextwife View Post
    Realistically, HOW much money TOGETHER will you and he have toward retirement? Is it anywhere NEAR enough for you both to not work, even if you had ONE household? And run the numbers to see if there is anyway it begins to be enough for two, especially if you have a teeny retirement account. And dividing the equity in the home by two, and the party that can afford to buy the other out then refinancing the other off the loan.
    This is not necessarily going to be a dividing the equity in half situation. At minimum the share she inherited from her mother is separate property, and possibly the portion gifted by her mother originally is separate property.

    Her husband will be entitled to a share of the equity that accrued during the marriage in the gifted portion, and a share of what accrued during the last 10 years, in the inherited portion....so its going to be quite a bit more complicated than 1/2 the equity.

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