I recorded private conversations between my wife and I. Can I share them with others?

[Willyw3w]

New Jersey resident:

After years of emotional abuse, I have been thinking about leaving my wife.

She got wind of this and has been systematically bad-mouthing be to friends and relatives who are only hearing one side of the story. She is literally turning our community against me! I could never compete with her in this regard (nor would I want to). I was raised not to "air dirty laundry". In fact, I have always done everything possible to make my wife look good and our marriage healthy!

Fed up, I decided to act. I now have about 20 hours of recordings in which she is clearly abusive, mean, and ranting irrationally -- In these same conversations I am clearly being kind, patient, supportive, and soothing to the best of my abilities. I have been dealing with her anxiety and mental illness (diagnosed and medicated) 24/7 for years and simply can't take it any more

NJ is a one-party consent state, so the recording themselves are (I am pretty sure) legal. These were in-person (not phone recordings) and audio only. No other parties were recorded.

I feel a need to "defend" myself to friends and family -- or on top of everything else I will lose many of them! They have been hearing one-sided (often fictional) rants against me for so long... they would never believe how mean she is to me because (outside of the marriage) she is gentle, kind, and compassionate. The audios provide compelling evidence and show quite clearly what I have had to deal with.

My questions are:

1) Can I legally share these recordings with other people (without her consent)?

2) Can the recordings be used in court to demonstrate emotional abuse?

Thanks!!!

 

[LdiJ]

New Jersey resident:

After years of emotional abuse, I have been thinking about leaving my wife.

She got wind of this and has been systematically bad-mouthing be to friends and relatives who are only hearing one side of the story. She is literally turning our community against me! I could never compete with her in this regard (nor would I want to). I was raised not to "air dirty laundry". In fact, I have always done everything possible to make my wife look good and our marriage healthy!

Fed up, I decided to act. I now have about 20 hours of recordings in which she is clearly abusive, mean, and ranting irrationally -- In these same conversations I am clearly being kind, patient, supportive, and soothing to the best of my abilities. I have been dealing with her anxiety and mental illness (diagnosed and medicated) 24/7 for years and simply can't take it any more

NJ is a one-party consent state, so the recording themselves are (I am pretty sure) legal. There were in-person (not phone recordings) and audio only. No other parties were recorded.

I feel a need to "defend" myself to friends and family -- or on top of everything else I am going through I will lose many of them! They have been hearing one-sided (often fictional) rants against me for so long... they would never believe how mean she is to me because (outside of the marriage) she is gentle, kind, and compassionate. The audios provide compelling evidence and show quite clearly what I have had to deal with.

My questions are:

1) Can I legally share these recordings with other people (without her consent)?

2) Can the recordings be used in court to demonstrate emotional abuse?

Thanks!!!

I wouldn't use them. She had an expectation of privacy when those conversations took place. I doubt that the court would be willing to hear them and it would just make a hostile situation even more hostile.

 

[Silverplum]

How many newbies use the word "tort" in their first post?




We don't do homework.

 

[Willyw3w]

What about sharing with family

I wouldn't use them. She had an expectation of privacy when those conversations took place. I doubt that the court would be willing to hear them and it would just make a hostile situation even more hostile.

Okay, but what about sharing with family so they can see my side of the story?

 

[Willyw3w]

What do you mean

I have known the word "tort" for most of my life even thought I am not a lawyer. I figured people here would know the term too. I am not sure what you meant by your post ... can you explain? Thanks!!

How many newbies use the word "tort" in their first post?




We don't do homework.

 

[TheGeekess]

Okay, but what about sharing with family so they can see my side of the story?

If your wife is as mentally ill as you say she is, don't you think the family knows it by now?

 

[Willyw3w]

Sort of

They know she is highly anxious and that she was hospitalized once. They do not know how it has impacted our marriage because I have protected her and not shared that.

If your wife is as mentally ill as you say she is, don't you think the family knows it by now?

 

[quincy]

New Jersey resident:

... I now have about 20 hours of recordings in which she is clearly abusive, mean, and ranting irrationally -- In these same conversations I am clearly being kind, patient, supportive, and soothing to the best of my abilities. ...

Your wife is at a decided disadvantage in these recordings as you knew your comments were being recorded and she didn't. If YOU were abusive, mean and ranting irrationally in the tapes, you would hardly want to use them. It was to your benefit to be kind, patient, supportive and soothing.

In other words, the recordings are meaningless.

I feel a need to "defend" myself to friends and family -- or on top of everything else I am going through I will lose many of them! They have been hearing one-sided (often fictional) rants against me for so long... they would never believe how mean she is to me because (outside of the marriage) she is gentle, kind, and compassionate. The audios provide compelling evidence and show quite clearly what I have had to deal with.

When couples split up, there will almost always be some family and friends who will support one party over the other. For example, mothers will generally support their own children over those who are attacking their childs' character. Some will believe what is said of the other but most people realize that the truth will lie somewhere in between the tales told by the two.

My questions are:
1) Can I legally share these recordings with other people (without her consent)?

Possibly. Possibly not. More is involved in recording others than whether the recording itself is legal. There are privacy issues that need to be considered. And, quite frankly, these recordings could make you look worse rather than better.

2) Can the recordings be used in court to demonstrate emotional abuse?

Possibly. Possibly not. Again, you were aware of the recording and she was not. You could generally be an abusive SOB and more emotionally abusive than your wife and there is no way the recordings would show that.

I recommend you consult with an attorney in your area before acting out against your wife. Seeking counseling can help you deal with what is always an emotional time for all involved. It is far better for you in the long run to let the storms swirl around you rather than causing storms of your own.

Good luck.

 

[commentator]

I think that if you were thinking clearly about this, you'd realize that you don't have ANY family and friends who would be the slightest BIT interested in listening to your wife's ranting and raving while you are being patient and supportive. Bleccch! No one wants to listen to your "dirty laundry" or your mean wife's ranting and raving. Who wants to listen to another couple fight? You do not need to defend yourself to your family and friends. They already know you, regardless of what your wife has said or has not said about you.

As for playing such tapes in court, or in mediation, are you kidding? Do you think they'd waste the court's time, or this paid professional's time with this stuff?

I doubt if even a paid counselor you were working with would want to listen to the tapes. They would be much more interested in helping you move on and build your self confidence to the point you weren't worrying about "justifying" yourself to the community as if you were somebody like the president or a major celebrity whose position in the community was of earth shaking importance. Who you are and what you are is something you have already established. If your wife's lies are truly that, lies, the truth will come out eventually.

When you are dealing with someone who, as you say your wife does, has mental issues, it would be really really good for your side if you yourself were seeing a counselor regularly, just to help you present your side of this whole divorce case in the most positive manner and really appear to be the helpful, supportive and sane member of the couple.

 

[Ladyback1]

New Jersey resident:

After years of emotional abuse, I have been thinking about leaving my wife.

She got wind of this and has been systematically bad-mouthing be to friends and relatives who are only hearing one side of the story. She is literally turning our community against me! I could never compete with her in this regard (nor would I want to). I was raised not to "air dirty laundry". In fact, I have always done everything possible to make my wife look good and our marriage healthy!

Fed up, I decided to act. I now have about 20 hours of recordings in which she is clearly abusive, mean, and ranting irrationally -- In these same conversations I am clearly being kind, patient, supportive, and soothing to the best of my abilities. I have been dealing with her anxiety and mental illness (diagnosed and medicated) 24/7 for years and simply can't take it any more

NJ is a one-party consent state, so the recording themselves are (I am pretty sure) legal. These were in-person (not phone recordings) and audio only. No other parties were recorded.

I feel a need to "defend" myself to friends and family -- or on top of everything else I will lose many of them! They have been hearing one-sided (often fictional) rants against me for so long... they would never believe how mean she is to me because (outside of the marriage) she is gentle, kind, and compassionate. The audios provide compelling evidence and show quite clearly what I have had to deal with.

My questions are:

1) Can I legally share these recordings with other people (without her consent)?

2) Can the recordings be used in court to demonstrate emotional abuse?

Thanks!!!

What exactly do you think will be accomplished by sharing these recordings?

Look, either you want a divorce or you don't.

If you do, then get your poop in a scoop and file for divorce.
If you don't then get you and your wife into some counseling (separately or together) and deal with the issues.

But, your whole tale just sounds so much like middle school drama! Put on your big boy Underoos, either divorce or don't. But quit playing games.

 

[tuffbrk]

NJ is a no-fault state so there is absolutely no point in paying to have the recordings transcribed by your attorney's office and presented to "prove" emotional abuse. You will not gain any advantage legally. If your attorney tells you differently, retain a different attorney.

I highly suggest you get past being concerned with other's opinions. People believe what they want to believe regardless. If they've been hearing one way rants for years now - they've either decided your spouse is dramatic, loony or choose to remain friendly with you anyway. Divorce brings out the ugly in most everyone. I suggest you don some armor and not get caught up in the weeds.

P.S. You note that you have accepted emotional abuse for years. While we all have our reasons for staying in unsatisfactory relationships, please consider therapy so you learn to change your behaviors. Frankly, I find recording a person you acknowledge is mentally ill is pretty passive aggressive. I get it. I do. But learn and grow from the experience.

Good luck!

 

[alligatorob]

New Jersey resident:

After years of emotional abuse, I have been thinking about leaving my wife.
Thanks!!!

From what little I have learned about you and your relationship here this sounds like the right thing to do.

The rest of it not so much. Do you really thing your friends and family don't know who or what your wife is? Any close enough to care probably won't learn anything from the tapes, those not close enough probably won't care, and all will probably think less of you for recording and playing the tapes. Throw them out as you leave**************.