I'm So At A Loss

[too crazy]

What is the name of your state? Michigan

My husband thought it would be nice to tell me the day before Christmas Eve he wants a divorce. We've been married 19 years and I've been a stay at home mom. I have had various part time jobs for extra cash but nothing big. I have 2 kids ages 18 and 16. I have no clue where to begin. I have no lawyer and no money for one. I don't have a job or college so how will we afford to live, plus I need medical benefits. He wants to use some arbitration but I don't trust that I won't come out on the short end. He has a good job and his life will only change slightly as I have to re-start mine and I don't know where to begin. Any suggestions?

 

[snodderly]

Did he move out...did he take your name off the checking account? If you are still married then you still have access to his money. Go get an attorney, write him a check and start getting yourself protected.

My ex did the same to me after 17 yrs. My advice, talk to an attorney, the phone book is full of attorneys who will give a free consultation. Find out exactly what your rights are as far as support, your home and financial maintenance.

Go to the bank, open an account in your name only, take 1/2 of all funds you two have in joint accounts and put them in your account with your name only. If you don't he will beat you to the punch. Start keeping an accounting of every penny you spend of that money. Don't spend money on frivolous items...just what is need to maintain your children's lifestyle.

Go to yahoo or google and do a search on "Michigan divorce law" and learn all you can about what is to come.

Whatever you do, DO NOT leave your home, DO NOT rush out and get a job, DO NOT allow his need to get out of his marriage cause you or your children any undo stress. Get a consultation with an attorney, tell your husband you will not be arbitrating anything with him. Tell him if he wants a divorce he can file for a divorce, get himself an attorney and you will see him in court.

Being a housewife and mother and not knowing any other lifestyle you need someone who can protect you. Going to arbitration with a man who wants to get away from you would not be a smart thing. You can bet, at this point, his only concern is protecting himself. You have yourself and your children to protect....don't trust him!

 

[too crazy]

Believe me, I'm not doing the arbitration thing. I'm only going along with possibly doing it to stall for time while I get some ducks in a row. Why should I not go out and get a job? I want to keep this house as our payments are lower than some appartments. Also, I need to pay for a lawyer. I do have an appt. tomorrow for a free consultation. I talked to one today who said 'maybe' we can 'try' to get some alimony since I'm 'older' (45) and it'll be hard for me to get a job at that age. Of course the words maybe and try isn't what I want and older just plain ticked me off. lol

 

[bulldogg70]

What is the name of your state? Michigan

My husband thought it would be nice to tell me the day before Christmas Eve he wants a divorce. We've been married 19 years and I've been a stay at home mom. I have had various part time jobs for extra cash but nothing big. I have 2 kids ages 18 and 16. I have no clue where to begin. I have no lawyer and no money for one. I don't have a job or college so how will we afford to live, plus I need medical benefits. He wants to use some arbitration but I don't trust that I won't come out on the short end. He has a good job and his life will only change slightly as I have to re-start mine and I don't know where to begin. Any suggestions?

Arbitration can be good if you are completely prepared, but you still want to ensure that it is non-binding arbitration. ANyway, if he just told you the other day, try to relax, I agree with you that you are at a loss, and it is not easy. I would suggest at this time you inventory everything in the house, you find out all assets and make a list of everything. Also, if you cannot find a lawyer you might want to see if they have men and women organizations that help people prepare for family court. Again arbitration can be good be you have to know everything involving your case and you have to be able to stand-up for yourself or you will get walked over, spit-on, and forgotten about in some cases.

 

[snodderly]

Why should I not go out and get a job?

I'll explain it to you the way my attorney did me. If you go get a job then you are showing the judge you are capable of getting a job. At your age and with your lack of experience you won't get much of a job so why set a presedence as to what you will have to do as far as work for the rest of your life. Any alimony you get will be based on your earning potential. As it is you probably have very few marketable skills. Your best bet is to ask that he help pay for educational expenses so that you can go to school, get out and get a job that will enable you to continue to live the lifestyle you have been living.

I want to keep this house as our payments are lower than some appartments. Also, I need to pay for a lawyer.

A judge will decide what is done with the house, whether you have a job or not and are able to make the payments. If there is a lot of equity built up in the house your husband could push to have the house sold. The judge could order you to buy your husband out and that way you could keep the house. Any number of things could happen. If things work your way your husband would be required to pay off the house while you and your children remain in the house. How long have you lived in the home? Is it the only home your children have ever known? How would moving affect them emotionally, would it mean changing school districts, removing them from friends? These are all things that will come into play.

He told you the day before Christmas that he wanted a divorce. Did he cut you off financially at that time? Is he saying he will not continue to pay the mortgage on the house until all the issues are decided through the courts or arbitration. Is he still living in the house? What is going on that is keeping you from having the money to retain an attorney?

Some stuff I have found online...

Does Michigan have Alimony?


Yes. Alimony or spousal support may be awarded to either spouse for their support after the divorce. Alimony payments are designed to help with financial obligations of the receiving spouse and to maintain a similar lifestyle. The lifestyle can not remain the same due to the paying spouse typically having to maintain two households for a period of time. Since a majority of spouses both work rewarding alimony is not extremely common although it does exist. Most of the time alimony is rewarded for a short period of time just to help the receiving spouse get on his or her feet again.

MICHIGAN SPOUSAL SUPPORT: Either spouse may be ordered to pay alimony. The alimony may be awarded if the property awarded to a spouse is insufficient to allow that spouse suitable support and maintenance. Factors for consideration specified in the statute are: (1) the ability of either spouse to pay; (2) the character and situation of the spouses; and (3) all other circumstances of the case. [Michigan Compiled Laws Annotated; Sections 552.13, 552.23, and 552.452].

Why does he say he wants a divorce? Is there a third party involved? If he is leaving you high and dry because he has found someone else then the courts will frown on this. When you speak with an attorney ask him/her if you are better off filing first or should you wait it out and let him file.

Do as bulldog suggested and start taking an inventory of EVERYTHING. You will be surprised at what is considered to be marital property and will be valued at time of divorce. Find out everthing you can about any monies, investments, retirement plans ANYTHING.

It's all a real pain in the butt. An emotional mess that is only made worse when the court system gets involved!

 

[Michigan Lady]

I live in Michigan also, and am going through almost the same thing you are. Michigan is an "equitable distribution" state, meaning when it comes to the property settlement, it can or may not be 50-50. Alot of things come into play during the property settlement. Pensions, 401k, housing, other assests and money. I do agree with the other posts, however, I don't mean to be cruel, but if you have any dirt on this guy, dig it up, and have it ready. Even though Michigan is also a "no-fault" divorce state, peoples characters can play a factor in the property settlement, such as, adultry, economic misconduct, etc. Look up the divorce laws. You may not be thinking too clear at this point, alot of stress, depression, etc., but you'll have spurts of times where you can think clearly, write down important issues and questions to ask a lawyer. Additionally, make sure you see more than one, interview at least 2 or 3 (have your list of questions ready, the more the better, and try and jot down their answers to refer to later), make sure you are comfortable that this person is going to do their best for your interests. Free consultations usually don't last very long so make the best of it. You might want to make sure the lawyer is located in the jurisdiction you will be going to, as in the same county, and it doesn't hurt to ask how familar they are with the judge and his rulings, (once papers are filed you will be assigned a judge for you case) or perhaps, if they're on his reelection committee, doesn't hurt to ask that either. Gotta do what you gotta do, and Good Luck!

 

[too crazy]

Thank you all SO much for all of this information. I talked to another lawyer yesterday and he didn't sound too encouraging. Actually he was more concerned with how I would be able to pay him. I'm going to run off all important papers today and start taking inventory of our stuff. Again thank you all for your help. You've given me a place to start.