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bestill

Guest
What is the name of your state? va

i have been married for 4 1/2 yrs...5 in sept. im the one going for divorce, but i really don't know what to do.i know i sound pretty idiotic, but i just have no idea what to expect..can anybody help me? i'm going for it b/c he cheated 2 times & was a "mean & physical" man..am i wrong? i've been told by alot of people i am..:confused:
 


kat1963

Senior Member
Well mediation is just that, have you gone to orientation yet? You might want to consider showing up with a parenting plan. Try here:
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan3.htm
Since you are in Chesapeake & he is in VB you will certainly want to consider a neutral drop/pick up location, considering your situation a midway police station should help solve at least some of the problems. Right of first refusal & do make sure your lawyer brings up the judge his parents interferance.
Other then that, was is your lawyer stating he/she is going to do for you?
KAT
 
B

bestill

Guest
my lawyer hasn't said anything yet..he told me to call him when i am served papers then we will reply & take it from there. i'll try that website, right now i'm willing to try anything. up until now, i thought i had diminished my resources. i thank you. we are supposed to be going to divorce court 5/16 while we have custody mediation 5/15. i'm so nervous, i can barely think straight.
i sthere anything else i can do before we fo to court on the 16th? i know i don't have alot of time, i've been working my tail off trying to get anyone to give me some advice on what to expect & the clincher is that noone wants to get involved...
 

kat1963

Senior Member
Mediation is simply sitting down in a room with your ex, face to face with a counselor to try to work out all the divorce issues. That is why I suggested you write up a copy of the parenting agreement. This will show him/her that you are willing to compromise on all issues. With this paperwork in your hands you won’t forget anything either! Bring 3 copies, one you keep, one for the mediator & one for you ex. The mediator will probably talk to you both together & then separately. Hopefully things can be worked out then & submitted to the judge.
To be honest (& not to be rude) but it doesn’t sound like you can afford to take custody. Even if he was to pay support. I suggest you try to get as much visitation as you can. This will reflect on your support obligation as well. Ask for the tax deduction for all the children, settle for 2. Request right of first refusal if he can not parent the children for longer then a 2 hour period. When you have summer visitation request that child support be stopped.
Why don’t you just e-mail me? Click on my profile.
KAT
 
B

bestill

Guest
i've been told that when i have the children..he lets them spend the night one at a time...i can deduct the time i have them from what i pay in child support. is that true? i am going to go to the site you suggested to try a parenting plan, i've never heard of one of those before. he has dropped the amount i pay from $153 every two weeks down to $100 every two weeks..that way i can afford to get medication for my epilepsy & pay for my doctor's visits..i'm not sure if he his trying to be nice or what. i have receipts from where i've paid him..i've already paid him $253 not counting shoes & things i've bought for them. i only make $6.24 / hr while he makes $7.50 / hr. i'm also going to keep health insurance on them, that's my choice, which will be an automatic deduction of $116.00 every two weeks from my pay check. if i get visitation, will i be considered a bad mother? that's one thing i am afraid of, that people will think i don't care about my children when in all actuality i'd give my life for them.
 

kat1963

Senior Member
I e-mailed you back, but will post here as well. NO, it does not make you a bad mom because you don’t have *custody*. What is that anyway? Who is the state to determine that children are property & one needs to have *custody* of their own children? Why should the state determine how much separated/divorced parents should pay for their own children when they don’t do so for intact families? Okay, off that soapbox for now. Even with your combined incomes it wouldn’t be a holiday raising three children in this area. Even if he paid you 50% of his income you would be hard pressed to make ends meet. At least (for what it’s worth) he has free rent living with his parents. You both should obtain some additional education in order to raise these children without outside help.
I am uncertain how the judge would see you taking the children one at a time for overnights. If you lived closer, perhaps this would be an option, but that is 14 exchanges in 7 days. Can’t tell you how the judge would rule & why I gave you the link to the parenting plan (it gives you a general idea).
I highly suggest that you keep insurance on the children. For one it’s really cheap! We pay 3x as much! Second, you would get the EOB (estimation of benefits). This lets you know when the children are taken to which doctor & for what reason. Also how much of a co-pay ect. will be due.
If this is your first mediation, it could just be orientation. You go, listen then make a date with your ex & the mediator. There will be about 40 other couples there. Sit in the back.
If this is your first court date, it could be pre-trail to determine temporary orders. In which case it will be pretty quick. However, do be prepared to wait the better part of the day.
Best of luck to you!
KAT
 
B

bestill

Guest
the court date is for divorce..he's trying to get me for abandonment. even though i was told i had to leave b/c i wanted a divorce. i am going to school to become a cna..i start in about 3 months..its paid for through the company i work for..he doesn't have a h.s. diploma...he quit in the 9th grade..doesn't have a g.e.d. i went to the site for the parenting plan..i printed it out. it has alot of useful information that i never thought about..thank you for suggesting it. how do you know so much about this stuff? i'm just wondering b/c you are the most useful person i have "talked" to, the most knowledgeable on this subject. do you live in the chesapeake area? just curious, b/c i think i recieved a post from you before stating you lived in deep creek & judges are tired of hearing about verbal abuse..all i've been told is we go to court on the 16th for divorce & the 15th for mediation.
 

kat1963

Senior Member
First of all, how is this going to be *the divorce*? Has it been going on for a year? It takes that much time to get a divorce in VA if one has children. The *grounds* he states makes no damn difference in custody anyway even if he can prove it!!!
E-mail me again. I'll give you my cell number so we can talk.
Kindest regards;
KAT
PS. I"m so happy you are going to school!!! We can work with this, you will be great someday!
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I don't understand. The lawyer told you to call him when you're served, and then you'll come up with a response. Yet you have a court date in 2 weeks. You MUST have already been served. SO what does your lawyer say?
 
B

bestill

Guest
that's just it, i haven't been served yet. his lawyer told him(atleast that is what he said) that we'd have court most likely on 16th..that way there are no more court dates..that in a year if we don't reconcile it will be final w/ no more court. i don't know if this is true or not. no telling....
 

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