Need help with separation

What is the name of your state? VA - My friend has been married for like 7 years to a guy in the navy and has 3 kids together. There relationship hasnt been good for a while and she wants a divorce but he doesnt. In VA you have to be separated a year first. She wants to get a job to support herself so she can move out since he makes her feel like shi$. He says he wont watch the kids in the evening so she can get a job, so he's forcing her to stay there financially wise. He also says if she tries to leave him that he'll file for custody of the kids. (thats her punishment). He doesnt spend time with the kids and says he'll send them out of state to live with his parents if he got custody. I think she should have custody and she is a great mom, if she gets a roomate do you think she could win custody? Also what can she do so she can move out since he is forcing her to stay there since she needs a job and he wont giver her money? Social services? What does VA look at as afar as who gets custody? Does it matter she has no income because he wont let her work? Please help me so i can help my friend. What should she do?

[kat1963]

>He says he wont watch the kids in the evening so she can get a job, so he's forcing her to stay there financially wise.

And if he does agree, in VA that's pretty much called custody. OH it can be joint physical & legal. But based on that he would have them until the morning, then they would be in school. He would have more hours with the children then she would. She would be paying him support. He'll find this out when he sees a lawyer.

There are plenty of mothers without any kind of support from their ex's who are able to set up school and daycare if needed. She just needs to want out bad enough. NOTHING worthwhile in life is ever easy. She needs to get a job. She is more then likely NOT going to get spousal support after only 7 years, so if she does gain custody, she is going to need to be employed. Might as well do it now. So what's he going to do? Get mad and pout? She already told him she wants out, it's up to her now to make the move to do so.

She really shouldn't LEAVE unless there is a seperation order in place or filed. A seperation order will cover temporary custody & support. Sounds like he plans on fighting it. IF she leaves & there isn't one, there is nothing stopping him from taking the children & filing an emergency order against her for removing the children from the home.

>He also says if she tries to leave him that he'll file for custody of the kids.

Well, he is their father. He does have equal rights and protection under the law. Not spending time with them is going to be something she will have to convince the court of. Being that he is the only one working & being in the Navy...well, you know..good luck with that one. Maybe she has proof...besides just what she says is true. Judges don't want to hear, she said, he said.

>Also what can she do so she can move out since he is forcing her to stay there since she needs a job and he wont giver her money?Social services?

Why does she need money to get a job. Just get setup daycare and find one. Or, sure go on welfare. Then she gets a judge who decides that the children are better off with the parent who can better take care of them financially (esp. when the other isn't trying) Does she want to take that chance? No.

Therefore she needs to obtain a free or low cost consult with a good family law attorney.

My experience with VB & Norfolk courts is that it will certainly be a toss up. Things just aren't that black & white anymore. It all depends on which judge you get, they each have their own adgenda's.

She/they certainly might want to consider a parenting plan. That way both parties can work it out, have equal rights & access to the children (because they need both parents!!!) and things won't get so out of control. Perhaps she can work it into a parenting agreement so that she can have the time a few evenings a week to continue her education (and be better able to live independently). A parenting agreement takes the matter out of the courts and puts it in the hands of the parents. The two people who made the children and who need to look beyond the crappola & do what is best for the *family*.

Bottom line, see a good family lawyer...better yet, see a few. I know of several who will only tell you what you want to hear, not necessarily what might happen. Most in this area offer free consults.

KAT

>Why does she need money to get a job. Just get setup daycare and find one.

Daycare for 2 kids is quite exspensive, especially is she is only making 8.00 an hour if she got a job. basically shed be working to keep them in day care, no win situation. The only reason she wants a job is to get enough money for a deposit on an apartment.

>she is going to need to be employed. Might as well do it now. So what's he going to do? Get mad and pout?

He isnt going to watch the kids at night so she can work a 5-11 job.

< He would have more hours with the children then she would. She would be paying him support. He'll find this out when he sees a lawyer.

This kids are really young and dont go to school so she has both of them until he gets off of work at 4pm.

>A seperation order will cover temporary custody & support.

So if she gets that and gets an apartment then she can always file for full custody in the future if she agrees for the kids to temporary stay with him? What if she gets into another relationship with a male while being separated, or moves in with him,does that hurt her chances of full custody in the future. thanks

[shawna maples]

I'd listen to Kats advice and if she wants custody she better not leave the kids with him. it's not so easy to just get custody later on. I was in a bad way getting out of a bad situation marraige. me and my kids suffered through it but it was either suffer through the marraige or suffer temporarily getting out. Either way we we were gonna suffer. Use welfare, friends, do what ya got to do. I don't know the situation and I'm in no way saying take the kids from their father, but when I made the decision to get out I just did it hell or high water and for me and my kids the marraige was over for the best interest of my children and so leaving them wasn't an option.

I forgot to say I know it is hard setting up daycare with no money, but in most states I think welfare helps with this. My friends watched my kids for a couple of weeks until I could get daycare. It was hard asking and burdensome on my friends but necessary.