Nightmare Situation

[Carmen1234]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

I have been married 4 years. 2 kids one of which is from a previous relationship. Husband has mental issues. He is a vet and has ptsd among other issues. Very Controlling, mood swings. I get accused of aweful things. He is suspicious of everything I do. I cant take to long at the store and he follows me to every room to see what im doing. Im walking on egg shells constantly and so are my children. My oldest is baring the brunt of it emotionally right now. She has gone to the school counselor and spoke to them about how sad she is and how bad her step dad treats her. Bottom line is I want OUT. In VA you have to be seperated 1 year before you are eligible for a divorce. IF I could leave from our apartment we share I would. I have nowhere to go and no money to fall back on to get me and my girls out of this mess I have gotten us in. HE refuses to leave, I have asked him, begged and pleaded. Told him we can work out visitation arrangments etc. There is no reasoning with him at all and I have tried it all to get him to please listen. He is not from here, he has no family here they are all in another state which he could easily move back to. His parents would welcome him in with open arms but he will not budge. I cant stop crying because I feel so trapped.
There is just a level of emotional abuse here that is undescible and that I cant prove to a court of law. I dont want a negative drawn out divorce I just want to stop walking on egg shells in my own house and protect my kids from further damage.

Is there anything I can do? Please, please help me.

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

I have been married 4 years. 2 kids one of which is from a previous relationship. Husband has mental issues. He is a vet and has ptsd among other issues. Very Controlling, mood swings. I get accused of aweful things. He is suspicious of everything I do. I cant take to long at the store and he follows me to every room to see what im doing. Im walking on egg shells constantly and so are my children. My oldest is baring the brunt of it emotionally right now. She has gone to the school counselor and spoke to them about how sad she is and how bad her step dad treats her. Bottom line is I want OUT. In VA you have to be seperated 1 year before you are eligible for a divorce. IF I could leave from our apartment we share I would. I have nowhere to go and no money to fall back on to get me and my girls out of this mess I have gotten us in. HE refuses to leave, I have asked him, begged and pleaded. Told him we can work out visitation arrangments etc. There is no reasoning with him at all and I have tried it all to get him to please listen. He is not from here, he has no family here they are all in another state which he could easily move back to. His parents would welcome him in with open arms but he will not budge. I cant stop crying because I feel so trapped.

So there's no reasoning with HIM? Yet you want him to leave his home, his children, his job, and his town and move to another state because you're not happy and if he refuses to do what you demand, then HE is the unreasonable one?

The fact is that it's his home every bit as much as it is yours. You don't have any right to demand that he do anything (unless, of course, there is violence in which case you can get a protective order).

You should see an attorney to understand your rights. Essentially, you can move out, but there may be a problem with custody of the child from this relationship. Note, however, that if you move out, he can ask the court to order that the child stay with him.

 

[Carmen1234]

I understand where you are coming from. However his motives for not leaving are not because of his child it is because of his controlling nature and he will not let go of me. There is alot more to this story. The guns left around my house that I find loaded, the time he called the police on me and reported me missing cause he couldnt track me down for an hour. The harrassing phone calls to my boss when she kindly asked him to stop calling her cell phone because he believed I was talking to another man. He searches message boards just like these under my email address and a user name I USED to use, make sure im not talking to people about him. I found that out when I posted something to a PTSD board for wives of men with ptsd who needed help in coping. I finally found someone to talk to a bout his behavior. He found out about it and went into a frenzy. Trust me sir, this is not a "big bad wife" who is trying to get rid of her husband because she just "doesnt love him anymore" This is a woman who would like to protect herself and her children and stop this situation before we all end up on the 11 oclock news because he has lost control on me. He has not hit me intentionally. I have gotten choked in the middle of the night though from one of his dreams. There is a serious threat here due to his emotional instability and because I dont have the ability to "reason with him".
But thanks for your input, basically what im hearing from you is I have to wait until he does something to me and my children before anyone will be willing to help me or I have to take my kids and live in a car to get away from him. Which of course he will really be able to use against me for custody.

 

[TheGeekess]

If your husband has proved a threat to himself or others and has a real diagnosis of PTSD (not because he says so or you think so, but an honest-to-ghod diagnosis from a psychiatrist) you might be able to have him held for observation. Here is some information on involuntary commitment in Virginia.
Virginia Mental Health Facilities
http://www.dmhmrsas.virginia.gov/PressReleases/content/0707IOCguidance.pdf
virginia +involuntary commitment - Google Search

 

[mistoffolees]

I understand where you are coming from. However his motives for not leaving are not because of his child it is because of his controlling nature and he will not let go of me. There is alot more to this story. The guns left around my house that I find loaded, the time he called the police on me and reported me missing cause he couldnt track me down for an hour. The harrassing phone calls to my boss when she kindly asked him to stop calling her cell phone because he believed I was talking to another man. He searches message boards just like these under my email address and a user name I USED to use, make sure im not talking to people about him. I found that out when I posted something to a PTSD board for wives of men with ptsd who needed help in coping. I finally found someone to talk to a bout his behavior. He found out about it and went into a frenzy. Trust me sir, this is not a "big bad wife" who is trying to get rid of her husband because she just "doesnt love him anymore" This is a woman who would like to protect herself and her children and stop this situation before we all end up on the 11 oclock news because he has lost control on me. He has not hit me intentionally. I have gotten choked in the middle of the night though from one of his dreams. There is a serious threat here due to his emotional instability and because I dont have the ability to "reason with him".
But thanks for your input, basically what im hearing from you is I have to wait until he does something to me and my children before anyone will be willing to help me or I have to take my kids and live in a car to get away from him. Which of course he will really be able to use against me for custody.

Well, I'm always skeptical when a story changes so much from the first post to the second one, but if he really is a danger to you and/or the children, call Child Protective Services. They will know how to handle it.

 

[Carmen1234]

Thank you for your suggestions. Im not sure what Child Protective Services can do but it is an avenue I havent thought of and will investigate further. As for having him committed, I think i would have to have him go off the deep end because as of late he hasnt threatned us. I found the loaded gun a couple weeks ago. When I asked why he had it out he said it was because he believes I may have someone try to hurt him and he needs it for protection. Mind you I found it in our laundry room in a box. This room my 3 and 7 year old have access to. I asked him to put it back in the safe, reluctantly he did. I dont have keys to the safe but I suspect he put it in and then took it back and hid it again. You have to understand the level of paranoia this man is dealing with to understand what it is I am dealing with and why we feel so damn unsafe. I know it all seems out there, hell I dont know that I would believe myself if I werent living it.

Thanks to all who read my post, and atleast tried to offer a suggestion. Its appreciated. And if you have anymore please share. When I leave its going to take some planning and careful preperation so im researching my options.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for your suggestions. Im not sure what Child Protective Services can do but it is an avenue I havent thought of and will investigate further. As for having him committed, I think i would have to have him go off the deep end because as of late he hasnt threatned us. I found the loaded gun a couple weeks ago. When I asked why he had it out he said it was because he believes I may have someone try to hurt him and he needs it for protection. Mind you I found it in our laundry room in a box. This room my 3 and 7 year old have access to. I asked him to put it back in the safe, reluctantly he did. I dont have keys to the safe but I suspect he put it in and then took it back and hid it again. You have to understand the level of paranoia this man is dealing with to understand what it is I am dealing with and why we feel so damn unsafe. I know it all seems out there, hell I dont know that I would believe myself if I werent living it.

Thanks to all who read my post, and atleast tried to offer a suggestion. Its appreciated. And if you have anymore please share. When I leave its going to take some planning and careful preperation so im researching my options.

Do you have any family that could help you with a loan to get a place to live and the basic necessities? Your situation makes me very nervous.

 

[mistoffolees]

Do you have any family that could help you with a loan to get a place to live and the basic necessities? Your situation makes me very nervous.

That's probably not going to help her much. If she takes the kids and leaves, he has ever right to track them down and take the one kid back. Furthermore, it puts her in a negative position when the judge has to rule on temporary custody. I wouldn't suggest that she do anything without consulting an attorney - except in imminent danger - which she says does not exist.

If she's really nervous, she should take it up with child protective services, then file for divorce, and ask the court for an emergency hearing awarding her temporary custody. Meanwhile, she can have a family member 'visit' for a couple of weeks.

Since the one child is not from this father, she'll have a good shot since the court generally doesn't like to separate siblings unless there's a good reason.

 

[Nativity]

You might want to give these people a call or at least take the number down. They are a women's resource center in Virginia. They are located in Radford but may be able to direct you to a closer office.

This is the Hotline/crisis line: 703-639-1123
This is Toll Free: (800)788-1123

 

[Carmen1234]

Thank you for the number Nativity.

 

[Carmen1234]

That's probably not going to help her much. If she takes the kids and leaves, he has ever right to track them down and take the one kid back. Furthermore, it puts her in a negative position when the judge has to rule on temporary custody. I wouldn't suggest that she do anything without consulting an attorney - except in imminent danger - which she says does not exist.

If she's really nervous, she should take it up with child protective services, then file for divorce, and ask the court for an emergency hearing awarding her temporary custody. Meanwhile, she can have a family member 'visit' for a couple of weeks.

Since the one child is not from this father, she'll have a good shot since the court generally doesn't like to separate siblings unless there's a good reason.

You hit the nail on the head as far as why im scared to be the one to up and leave even if I could find a place to go. There is a good chance a judge frowns on that and order me to let my child return to her own home with him. Then he get custody of her and do something drastic perhaps to teach me a lesson. In other states you can file for divorce or legal seperation and let the court award temp custody. The problem Im finding here is that in VA there is NO legal seperation and you cannot file for divorce until you live seperatly for 1 year. See what a pickle im in? IF I leave he will fight for his daughter to be returned to our home with him which puts her in harms way. And he will not leave and cant be coaxed to leave. Is it possible to just file for temp custody and to stay in our home and he has to leave? Or atleast get permission to leave and go somewhere else with our children?

 

[mistoffolees]

You hit the nail on the head as far as why im scared to be the one to up and leave even if I could find a place to go. There is a good chance a judge frowns on that and order me to let my child return to her own home with him. Then he get custody of her and do something drastic perhaps to teach me a lesson. In other states you can file for divorce or legal seperation and let the court award temp custody. The problem Im finding here is that in VA there is NO legal seperation and you cannot file for divorce until you live seperatly for 1 year. See what a pickle im in? IF I leave he will fight for his daughter to be returned to our home with him which puts her in harms way. And he will not leave and cant be coaxed to leave. Is it possible to just file for temp custody and to stay in our home and he has to leave? Or atleast get permission to leave and go somewhere else with our children?

See an attorney.