Picking on my parenting

[catchme33]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

I have been divorced for several years now, and for the past few months my ex has been nitpicking everything about my parenting, such as cleanliness of my home and of the children, living arrangements, discipline, diets, etc. Nothing I do is right in my ex's eyes, and my ex has no problem telling me about it. I recently learned that my ex-mother-in-law has been talking to outside, unrelated parties regarding my parenting styles like it's gossip. I have always had an open-door policy, allowing my ex and ex-inlaws to visit whenever I am home or the children (teenagers). Also, my teenaged children have expressed interest in not visiting my ex when scheduled. I do not pick on my ex's parenting style. What can I do?

 

[Isis1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

I have been divorced for several years now, and for the past few months my ex has been nitpicking everything about my parenting, such as cleanliness of my home and of the children, living arrangements, discipline, diets, etc. Nothing I do is right in my ex's eyes, and my ex has no problem telling me about it. I recently learned that my ex-mother-in-law has been talking to outside, unrelated parties regarding my parenting styles like it's gossip. I have always had an open-door policy, allowing my ex and ex-inlaws to visit whenever I am home or the children (teenagers). Also, my teenaged children have expressed interest in not visiting my ex when scheduled. I do not pick on my ex's parenting style. What can I do?

you can stop letting them into your home. as of right this second.

 

[Proserpina]

But the kids will be going to visitation....they're not going to be deciding whether or not they want to go.

 

[catchme33]

original poster

I understand that the kids need to go when scheduled, but in the event that I feel my ex is causing emotional harm to my teenagers, what should I do as a concerned parent when my ex will not listen to my concerns?

I am mainly concerned that my ex and ex-inlaws are trying to make me look like a bad parent with the intent of trying to take custody from me. I will definitely be using a "closed-door" policy from now on, but is there a way I can stop my ex from causing me emotional pain every time I'm confronted about unwarranted "bad parenting" concerns?

We have always had a civil relationship, and these concerns of my ex's seem to arise only when a new friend enters my ex's life.

 

[mistoffolees]

If you feel that the complaints are causing emotional harm to your kids, you can petition the court to allow only supervised visitation.

However:
1. You need real proof that the kids are being harmed. It sounds like YOU don't like it, but that's not the court's concern. Are the kids being harmed? Can you prove it?
2. Kids are much tougher in some situations than they're given credit for. Teenagers are quite capable of understanding that different parents have different rules and expectations and they usually let it go over their heads. It doesn't bother kids as much as you probably think.
3. Depending on the age, they will eventually be able to decide not to go to visitation, but you need to strongly encourage visitation because it really is better for the kids to have a relationship with both parents. If they say anything to you, you simply tell them that you beleve it's better for kids to see both parents and you're bound by a court order, anyway. If it bothers them too much, they can tell their father they don't want to visit as much, but you should stay out of it. (If, of course, there's real danger there, it's a different story).
4. It's your home. If your ex were being reasonable, letting him in your house is fine. But if he's doing nothing but stab you in the back, don't let him in your house any more. And there's NO reason for your ex MIL to be there.

Bottom line is that this kind of sniping happens all the time, but it's not a big deal unless you let it be a big deal. Heck, my ex-wife was going around telling people that I'm gay (I'm not) and I simply laughed it off. Things like that can only hurt you if you let them hurt you.

Could he go to court to get a change of custody on the basis of housekeeping issues? Theoretically, but your housekeeping would have to be truly abysmal (creating a major health problem) for that to happen.

 

[catchme33]

So I'm just going to have to tell him that if he wants to pick on my parenting skills to take me to court and stop griping to me. I'm not scared, I really don't think he'd take me to court. He can't afford it anyway, he doesn't even keep up his child support, so he's really treading a fine line.

 

[mistoffolees]

So I'm just going to have to tell him that if he wants to pick on my parenting skills to take me to court and stop griping to me.

Wrong. If you taunt him, you may get a reaction you don't want.

Ignore him. If you don't let him parade through your house, he won't have much opportunity to bring it up, anyway and if you ignore him, he'll eventually get tired of it.

Or be sickeningly nice and say "thank you for your suggestions. I'll look into it". What's he going to say to that?

 

[catchme33]

I never have and would never say "you think I'm a bad parent, look at you!" I am leanient on some things, and he knows it and should be appreciative of it, so I have no reason to taunt him.

I have tried and tried to explain that I'm a good parent, but he always has something else to say. I'm tired of giving excuses, so I've started to just say "what do you want me to say? Obviously nothing I do is good enough," but even that doesn't work. I'm just mentally exhausted about it.

 

[Isis1]

I never have and would never say "you think I'm a bad parent, look at you!" I am leanient on some things, and he knows it and should be appreciative of it, so I have no reason to taunt him.

I have tried and tried to explain that I'm a good parent, but he always has something else to say. I'm tired of giving excuses, so I've started to just say "what do you want me to say? Obviously nothing I do is good enough," but even that doesn't work. I'm just mentally exhausted about it.

then stop responding to it. he says something, you smile. don't respond. don't explain ANYTHING. you ARE NOT MARRIED TO HIM ANYMORE!!! enjoy it!! you don't answer to him. nor to his family. no excuses. no explanation. just smile. if you HAVE to say anything, say "okay". can't have an argument if no one argues back.

no if's and's or butt's!!

 

[catchme33]

Unfortunately that is SO easier said than done.

 

[Isis1]

Unfortunately that is SO easier said than done.

i know. took me 3 years to figure it out. it's just a matter of starting NOW. the sooner, the better for you.

 

[mistoffolees]

Unfortunately that is SO easier said than done.

Feh.. You've got it easy.

My ex was constantly on my case not only about my parenting skills, but my driving, my family, how I did my job (in spite of numerous high level awards), how I dressed, my weight, how I maintained our yard, what I did in my free time, the books I read, and so on.

You just have to convince yourself that you're not married any more and what they think of you doesn't matter.