Preparing for separation

[essie]

What is the name of your state? Idaho

I'm doing some preliminary research, looking into the legalities of separation while longer term decisions are made.
The trouble is that in addition to abusing alcohol to impairment levels on a nightly basis and smoking cigarettes in the home, risking his, mine and our sons health, he is now adding illegal substances to the mix. He's using "our" money to buy his "casual" stuff, and using it in the home. Last night, he inhaled and held it for so long he fell over - passed out, cracking his head on the floor. He's endangering himself, at the very least. I think that alone crosses the line. This instance begs a whole lot of "what-if's, and I'm scared. In spite of my demand and his assurance that he won't drink while he's home alone with our son, I have come home (from an Al-Anon meeting!) to find him drunk and incomprehensible.
Also, I am a federal employee and absolutely cannot be associated with illegal substance use, wife or not. He is jeopardizing my employment by having it in our home. Or am I jeopardizing it by staying in the home?

I can no longer ignore his behavior and choices without being negligent myself (legally or otherwise), especially as he is a stay at home dad for our son. He steadfastly refuses to acknowledge my demands that he cease and desist with the drugs, let along the drinking. He really believes it isn't a big deal.

The questions I've though of are:

Am I already negligent?

Do I need a lawyer for a separation?

What preparations do I need to make to assure that I will get custody of our son? He seems absolutely sure that because I take anti-depressants, he will have custody.

I am the sole wage earner for the family. Can I expect to pay him maintenance or spousal support? He is able to work, but has chosen to be a stay at home dad for the past 2 years - a decision we made together.

What about child support, in the event of joint custody?

How can I ensure that any visitation/custody will be supervised? I can't have our son alone with him if he won't control his ability to care for our son.

Is separation a legally enforceable action?

Can I keep him out of a home I build for myself and our son? In the past, I have demanded that he leave. He just said NO.

Can I assure that I retain the home we're living in (which his parents financed), so that I may ensure minimum disruptions for our son?

There have been instances of violence in the past. Not physical violence, but smashing cupboard doors and dishes, throwing food, etc., and to hear it told, mental cruelty. As I confided in my mom, she (as I later learned) kept a file of the things I've told her about. How does this play into the mix?

That's all I can think of for now. I do love him, but I can't stay.
Any input is appreciated...obviously this is both overdue, and preliminary.
Thanks

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by essie

What is the name of your state? Idaho
{snip}
I am the sole wage earner for the family. Can I expect to pay him maintenance or spousal support? He is able to work, but has chosen to be a stay at home dad for the past 2 years - a decision we made together.
{snip}
Can I assure that I retain the home we're living in (which his parents financed), so that I may ensure minimum disruptions for our son?

You seem like such a sweetie. I, for one, am just dying to help you out.

[essie]

That is not advice.

[Silverplum]

Originally Posted by essie

Is this the kind of help folks receive on this site?

I help whomever I please.

Your supremely selfish attitude displeased me. Go figure.

Maybe someone else will help you.

*edited to add: You could always use the SEARCH function to find out if folks do, indeed, receive good help on this site. It's a stupid q, anyway.

[essie]

Well, I can't see how trying to figure out how I'm going to continue to take care of the 3 of us is selfish, personally.
Perhaps you'd advise as to another way to ask the difficult questions?

After reviewing many of your responses to other questioners though, I'm inclined to count myself fortunate not to have spent any more time on this site. I've been through enough, and there's more to come - I don't need grief, abuse or judgement from those I turn to for help.

[Silverplum]

Whatever. Enjoy.

Originally Posted by essie

What is the name of your state? Idaho

I'm doing some preliminary research, looking into the legalities of separation while longer term decisions are made.
The trouble is that in addition to abusing alcohol to impairment levels on a nightly basis and smoking cigarettes in the home, risking his, mine and our sons health, he is now adding illegal substances to the mix. He's using "our" money to buy his "casual" stuff, and using it in the home. Last night, he inhaled and held it for so long he fell over - passed out, cracking his head on the floor. He's endangering himself, at the very least. I think that alone crosses the line. This instance begs a whole lot of "what-if's, and I'm scared. In spite of my demand and his assurance that he won't drink while he's home alone with our son, I have come home (from an Al-Anon meeting!) to find him drunk and incomprehensible.
Also, I am a federal employee and absolutely cannot be associated with illegal substance use, wife or not. He is jeopardizing my employment by having it in our home. Or am I jeopardizing it by staying in the home?

I can no longer ignore his behavior and choices without being negligent myself (legally or otherwise), especially as he is a stay at home dad for our son. He steadfastly refuses to acknowledge my demands that he cease and desist with the drugs, let along the drinking. He really believes it isn't a big deal.

The questions I've though of are:

Am I already negligent?

Do I need a lawyer for a separation?

What preparations do I need to make to assure that I will get custody of our son? He seems absolutely sure that because I take anti-depressants, he will have custody.

I am the sole wage earner for the family. Can I expect to pay him maintenance or spousal support? He is able to work, but has chosen to be a stay at home dad for the past 2 years - a decision we made together.

What about child support, in the event of joint custody?

How can I ensure that any visitation/custody will be supervised? I can't have our son alone with him if he won't control his ability to care for our son.

Is separation a legally enforceable action?

Can I keep him out of a home I build for myself and our son? In the past, I have demanded that he leave. He just said NO.

Can I assure that I retain the home we're living in (which his parents financed), so that I may ensure minimum disruptions for our son?

There have been instances of violence in the past. Not physical violence, but smashing cupboard doors and dishes, throwing food, etc., and to hear it told, mental cruelty. As I confided in my mom, she (as I later learned) kept a file of the things I've told her about. How does this play into the mix?

That's all I can think of for now. I do love him, but I can't stay.
Any input is appreciated...obviously this is both overdue, and preliminary.
Thanks

[ceara19]

Originally Posted by essie

What is the name of your state? Idaho

I'm doing some preliminary research, looking into the legalities of separation while longer term decisions are made.
The trouble is that in addition to abusing alcohol to impairment levels on a nightly basis and smoking cigarettes in the home, risking his, mine and our sons health, he is now adding illegal substances to the mix. He's using "our" money to buy his "casual" stuff, and using it in the home. Last night, he inhaled and held it for so long he fell over - passed out, cracking his head on the floor. He's endangering himself, at the very least. I think that alone crosses the line. This instance begs a whole lot of "what-if's, and I'm scared. In spite of my demand and his assurance that he won't drink while he's home alone with our son, I have come home (from an Al-Anon meeting!) to find him drunk and incomprehensible.

Cigarettes and alcohol are LEGAL substances. PROVE that he is using illegal drugs. PROVE that he is drinking to excess when alone with the child and then explain why you CONTINUE to leave the child alone with him in spite of KNOWING that he is doing this.

Also, I am a federal employee and absolutely cannot be associated with illegal substance use, wife or not. He is jeopardizing my employment by having it in our home. Or am I jeopardizing it by staying in the home?

You are the one jeopardizing your job.

I can no longer ignore his behavior and choices without being negligent myself (legally or otherwise), especially as he is a stay at home dad for our son. He steadfastly refuses to acknowledge my demands that he cease and desist with the drugs, let along the drinking. He really believes it isn't a big deal.

The questions I've though of are:

Am I already negligent?

If you are KNOWINGLLY and WILLINGLY leaving the child in a situation with a person that is unable to provide adequate care, you are just as negligent as your husband.

Do I need a lawyer for a separation?

It would be a good idea.

What preparations do I need to make to assure that I will get custody of our son? He seems absolutely sure that because I take anti-depressants, he will have custody.

Unless you can PROVE that he is unfit, you can't count on getting custody. Taking anti-depressants should not be an issue, the fact that he has been the child's primary caregiver could work against you.

I am the sole wage earner for the family. Can I expect to pay him maintenance or spousal support? He is able to work, but has chosen to be a stay at home dad for the past 2 years - a decision we made together.

Most likely, yes.

What about child support, in the event of joint custody?

Depends, but when there is a huge disparity in income, support is usually ordered.

How can I ensure that any visitation/custody will be supervised? I can't have our son alone with him if he won't control his ability to care for our son.

You can't

Is separation a legally enforceable action?

yes

Can I keep him out of a home I build for myself and our son? In the past, I have demanded that he leave. He just said NO.

No. It is just as much HIS house as it is yours.

Can I assure that I retain the home we're living in (which his parents financed), so that I may ensure minimum disruptions for our son?

You can't even be assured that you will get custody!

There have been instances of violence in the past. Not physical violence, but smashing cupboard doors and dishes, throwing food, etc., and to hear it told, mental cruelty. As I confided in my mom, she (as I later learned) kept a file of the things I've told her about. How does this play into the mix?

It doesn't.

That's all I can think of for now. I do love him, but I can't stay.
Any input is appreciated...obviously this is both overdue, and preliminary.
Thanks

You need a REALLY REALLY good attorney. You really have nothing to base your claims on. Without PROOF, you can sling all the mud you want, but it won't stick.

[essie]

You have given me much to think about. I sincerely appreciate your time and attention to my post. Let me recap this:
I can't just remove our son from this situation myself without tromping all over his dad's rights, which do matter to me, and I'm not upholding my own responsibilities as a parent unless I do remove him. Did I read/interpret that correctly?
Our sons welfare is my concern.

Any move of mine, even conversation with him about this stuff and he threatens to take the boy and disappear. I feel really trapped. Do I send my son for an extended visit to the grandparents and fight it out with my spouse?

Thanks, again, for somplace to turn, and for the reality check.

[ceara19]

Originally Posted by essie

You have given me much to think about. I sincerely appreciate your time and attention to my post. Let me recap this:
I can't just remove our son from this situation myself without tromping all over his dad's rights, which do matter to me, and I'm not upholding my own responsibilities as a parent unless I do remove him. Did I read/interpret that correctly?
Our sons welfare is my concern.

Any move of mine, even conversation with him about this stuff and he threatens to take the boy and disappear. I feel really trapped. Do I send my son for an extended visit to the grandparents and fight it out with my spouse?

Thanks, again, for somplace to turn, and for the reality check.

Don't put your parents in the middle of this. Find a good daycare or sitter to watch the child while you are at work. You have just as much right to leave with the child s dad does, but unless you have PROOF of dad's illegal activities, you have no justification for keeping him away from the child. Since he is the primary caregiver, he could go straight to court and get an emergency order for the child's return if you did take off with him or send him anywhere.

Custody is dealt with in family or juvenile court, but if something criminally negligent happens to the child while in dad's care, it is a criminal court matter. If you KNEW there was a realistic possibility that something could happen to the child because of dad's alcohol and/or drug use, you would be just as criminally negligent.

[gnrscom1]

Get a group of family and friends together and as a group confront your husband about his problem. Explain to him how he is ruining the family and that he needs help if he want to keep what he now has. Always have witnesses when you confront him ans do as your mother has done by keeping a logboook of everything that is going on. If his family is a priority to him then his illegal activities are a "Big Deal".

[Carrie&Brian]

I would suggest that you pack up your child and go to a safe place. A friend or family member's home, a shelter, or an apartment of your own. (Oh, and put a freeze on that account.)

Then schedule an appointment for a consultation with an attorney in your area, to guide you through what you need to do to take next steps.