this really bites

[Gravity_11]

What is the name of your state?Texas

My wife decided to leave me on Sept. 11th.
We have 3 boys, 8,6 and 9 months

She left the two older boys with me (she claims she wants them to finish school) and took the baby. But I have actually had the baby a few more days than her since she left(I've been keeping track). She said she left because I'm controlling and make her feel inadequate and because she wants to "get herself together".

She had an affair which resulted in the birth of our baby, apparently he is not biologically mine but I'm the presummed father on the birth certificate. She told me about that affair when she was 1 month pregnant and I chose to stick it out. Things were going well while she was pregnant. But at 7 months I found out about another affair she had 3 years before and I didn't know if I could believe anything she said anymore...of course it hindered the healing process of finding out about the affair that led to the pregnancy. Then a couple of months after the baby was born people were coming up to me and telling me she was doing meth. I confronted her about it and she denied it. But I cut her off from getting money because I found out she was stealling it out of my pockets and getting it out of my bank account....and her behavior showed signs of meth use. The weekend of Sept. 9th she was supposidly going to a christian womens conference but actually met with the biological father and slept with him again. I found out two days later what happened and she also admitted to using meth behind my back and decided to leave...blaming me.

Sept. 14th she came to the house and started ransacking it because she was mad at my family for not talking to her when she arrived(and etc.) I was holding the baby and told her she couldn't take the baby cause she looked high and she was acting crazy. She proceeded to hit me while I was holding the baby to try to get him away from me. I called the cops and they arrested her and charged her with family violence. They wound up giving her 6 months probation and etc.

She now lives with a bunch of meth addicts and the day i took her home from her court I saw evidence of meth in her room right in the reach of the baby. Then I decided the next time I got the baby i would not let him go back and I also will not let our other two boys go over there. She claims up and down that she is not doing anything and that nothing is going on over there. The house she stays in has previously been raided before also.

She has threatened to divorce me and try to get custody of the kids...and also is threating to get a DNA test done and take my name off of the baby's birth certificate. The problem there is that the law will not find the biological father because he is already running from two or three other children he has had with different women.
Also, my wife can't drive(never really learned), has never worked, and works taking care of a disabled man now making 125 a week under the table.

What will happen if we follow through with the divorce? Will I get custody and what are my chances of being able to keep the baby if she is found unfit?

Let me add that I'm not really interested in divorcing her now, but rather petitioning for divorce to get custody of the boys. If she decides to change and get into rehab as well as getting pycological help...and actually follow through with it, I would then consider taking her back.

 

[Gravity_11]

One other thing...is there anywhere that I can get finacial assistance in getting a lawyer?

 

[msiron]

Sorry but you are the one who needs psychological assistance.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state?Texas

My wife decided to leave me on Sept. 11th.
We have 3 boys, 8,6 and 9 months

She left the two older boys with me (she claims she wants them to finish school) and took the baby. But I have actually had the baby a few more days than her since she left(I've been keeping track). She said she left because I'm controlling and make her feel inadequate and because she wants to "get herself together".

She had an affair which resulted in the birth of our baby, apparently he is not biologically mine but I'm the presummed father on the birth certificate. She told me about that affair when she was 1 month pregnant and I chose to stick it out. Things were going well while she was pregnant. But at 7 months I found out about another affair she had 3 years before and I didn't know if I could believe anything she said anymore...of course it hindered the healing process of finding out about the affair that led to the pregnancy. Then a couple of months after the baby was born people were coming up to me and telling me she was doing meth. I confronted her about it and she denied it. But I cut her off from getting money because I found out she was stealling it out of my pockets and getting it out of my bank account....and her behavior showed signs of meth use. The weekend of Sept. 9th she was supposidly going to a christian womens conference but actually met with the biological father and slept with him again. I found out two days later what happened and she also admitted to using meth behind my back and decided to leave...blaming me.

Sept. 14th she came to the house and started ransacking it because she was mad at my family for not talking to her when she arrived(and etc.) I was holding the baby and told her she couldn't take the baby cause she looked high and she was acting crazy. She proceeded to hit me while I was holding the baby to try to get him away from me. I called the cops and they arrested her and charged her with family violence. They wound up giving her 6 months probation and etc.

She now lives with a bunch of meth addicts and the day i took her home from her court I saw evidence of meth in her room right in the reach of the baby. Then I decided the next time I got the baby i would not let him go back and I also will not let our other two boys go over there. She claims up and down that she is not doing anything and that nothing is going on over there. The house she stays in has previously been raided before also.

She has threatened to divorce me and try to get custody of the kids...and also is threating to get a DNA test done and take my name off of the baby's birth certificate. The problem there is that the law will not find the biological father because he is already running from two or three other children he has had with different women.
Also, my wife can't drive(never really learned), has never worked, and works taking care of a disabled man now making 125 a week under the table.

What will happen if we follow through with the divorce? Will I get custody and what are my chances of being able to keep the baby if she is found unfit?

Let me add that I'm not really interested in divorcing her now, but rather petitioning for divorce to get custody of the boys. If she decides to change and get into rehab as well as getting pycological help...and actually follow through with it, I would then consider taking her back.

If she proves (via DNA) that you are not the father of the baby, you have no rights there....You have a strong shot at custody of the other two if you can provide evidence of everything that has happened.

 

[Gravity_11]

Sorry but you are the one who needs psychological assistance.

Why is that?

 

[Gravity_11]

If she proves (via DNA) that you are not the father of the baby, you have no rights there....You have a strong shot at custody of the other two if you can provide evidence of everything that has happened.

How will she prove it when I have the baby and she can't afford a lawyer?...also, isn't it true that after four years of being the presumed father that it's a done deal...there is nothing she can do after that?

As far as evidence...how about a family assault charge against her for hitting me with the baby in my arms...or her addmited meth use in the police report.

As the presumed father don't I have rights?

 

[LdiJ]

How will she prove it when I have the baby and she can't afford a lawyer?...also, isn't it true that after four years of being the presumed father that it's a done deal...there is nothing she can do after that?

As far as evidence...how about a family assault charge against her for hitting me with the baby in my arms...or her addmited meth use in the police report.

As the presumed father don't I have rights?

You have rights as the presumed father unless paternity is challenged. Paternity can be challenged by mom....and also by the biological father.

It may be true in your state that paternity can't be challenged after 4 years...it may not. However, at this point the child is only 9 months old, and your potential battle is going to be happening in the near future, not in another 3 1/2 or so years.

 

[msiron]

Why is that?

I guess I zeroed in on your later thoughts of taking her back if she changes. That tells me you need some help to find out why in the world you would suffer at her hands and want to do it over again? Whether your in denial or maybe you do know, she done things before. At her stage in life you just don't suddenly wake up and begin a life like this. There were things going on before you, during you and will continue.

I was not making any reference about your 2 children as they belong with you (get a DNA on them too) as far as the last child, this should be no concern of yours. I would just want to get on with my life without a person like this in it. Don't you think you and your children deserve better?

 

[lefthighanddry]

Personally, I think you would be better off filing for divorce and asking the court for custody of the children and only supervised visitation based on her previous violence and meth use. Also, when you file, you can request temporary custody that would take effect immediately.

If you don't want to do that, you can check with your local court and find out what you need to do to file for custody. I'm not sure, but I believe you can do this without filing for a divorce.

One thing I've learned over the years is that you can't change a person. The person has to want to change and even then, if a pattern is set, it can be very difficult. The only thing you have any control over is yourself and your actions. Sometimes making a clean break really is the best thing to do.

 

[nextwife]

You have rights as the presumed father unless paternity is challenged. Paternity can be challenged by mom....and also by the biological father.

It may be true in your state that paternity can't be challenged after 4 years...it may not. However, at this point the child is only 9 months old, and your potential battle is going to be happening in the near future, not in another 3 1/2 or so years.

I thought dad's paternity could only be disestablished if biodad came forward to challenge his paternity. The state will not allow mom to disestablish dad's paternity unless someone else can be established as biodad. And, as stated by several of you Judges supposedly don't like to seperate siblings., so the fact that dad has siblings of the baby living with him could actually work in his favor.

 

[LdiJ]

I thought dad's paternity could only be disestablished if biodad came forward to challenge his paternity. The state will not allow mom to disestablish dad's paternity unless someone else can be established as biodad. And, as stated by several of you Judges supposedly don't like to seperate siblings., so the fact that dad has siblings of the baby living with him could actually work in his favor.

I have seen many cases where a mom was able to challenge paternity. Particularly when the child involved is an infant or toddler. The older the child, the less likely that mom could do it. However, when the child is an infant, and particularly the result of an affair, I have seen mom's frequently challenge paternity and win.

 

[Gravity_11]

I guess I zeroed in on your later thoughts of taking her back if she changes. That tells me you need some help to find out why in the world you would suffer at her hands and want to do it over again? Whether your in denial or maybe you do know, she done things before. At her stage in life you just don't suddenly wake up and begin a life like this. There were things going on before you, during you and will continue.

I was not making any reference about your 2 children as they belong with you (get a DNA on them too) as far as the last child, this should be no concern of yours. I would just want to get on with my life without a person like this in it. Don't you think you and your children deserve better?

First, you are pretty cold hearted when it comes to your comments about the baby. He is my two other sons brother and it is not his fault who's DNA he recieved and the biological father wants nothing to do with him. He deserves a father (or at least someone) who loves him and will keep him safe. I accepted him as my own the very moment I found out he could possibly not be mine. While in the womb he heard my voice and since he was born I have been that father figure and I'm not turning my back on him now. I am an adopted child myself. My mother took me in the day after I was born and treated me as her own...loved me so much...sacraficed so much for me. What awesome love. Now I get a chance to do the same. I would only be thinking of myself to let him go.

My wife and I are still young...27 and 30. We have plenty of years ahead of us if she decides to staighten up. She has been an addict for years (I found out) but during her sober times she has been the most wonderful person and my best friend. She suffers a sickness...that is the disease of addiction...and I commited to her through SICKNESS and in health. Unfortunatly my love for her made me blind to the addiction and other things and now that I see the extent of it I know I can't be with her unless there was a true 180 turn around. And if there was, which will take quite some time and lots of re-hab and counciling to tell, I would take her back in time becuase in reality she is a really good person. I know what has happened to her in the past...taken from her biological mother at 3(because her mother was a junkie)...put in foster care only to be raped repeatedly by her foster father. Finally adopted at age 5 and a chance to have a real family until her adopted dad died when she was 9 and her adopted mother started going crazy. At age 10 she started acting out her learned behavior (drinking and trying to get with guys much older than her) and her mother sent her away to placements and etc. until she was 17 where she met me 6 months later. We married 10 months later and have been married for 9 years now. In that time she has been back and forth between living the family life she always dreamed of and living out what she learned as a child. There has been no time for real help and real re-habing based on her own decision and so yes...if she comes to that place of getting help on her own and showed a true turn around...I will be waiting right there for her. Until then I'm just getting my own help and trying to take care of ALL of my sons. And I have already accepted that she may never come back...but I NEVER rule out a miracle. I don't keep tabs on her or tell her that she is welcome to come back at anytime. I've made it clear what I expect and that we will not be together unless that happens. So now I'm moving forward with trying to get custody of these boys so I can give them a stable evironment before she tries to take them away.

 

[wrkngmom]

good luck to you

contact your local courthouse to find out if you qualify for financial leagl help. You can file for custody without a lawyer (pro se) as well. In PA you can file for custody before a divorce decree and you can file for an emergency custody hearing before the divorce is filed.

 

[lefthighanddry]

Good for you. I applaud your efforts and your understanding of what it means in a child's life to have stability and love.

If you contact your county court, there probably will be someone in Family Law that might be able to answer your questions about getting sole conservatorship for the children without filing for divorce.

Good luck.

 

[ceara19]

What is the name of your state?Texas

My wife decided to leave me on Sept. 11th.
We have 3 boys, 8,6 and 9 months

She left the two older boys with me (she claims she wants them to finish school) and took the baby. But I have actually had the baby a few more days than her since she left(I've been keeping track). She said she left because I'm controlling and make her feel inadequate and because she wants to "get herself together"..

In Texas, as long as you were legally married, ie not common law, you are the presummed father of ANY children born or conceived during the marraige. If she wants to contest paternity, she will have to pay for the testing. It is in your best interest to go ahead and get a divorce before she ends up pregnant again. You can ask the court for temp. custody during the proceedings. You would more than likely get it if she is living with a bunch of other unrelated adults in an unstable household.

Also, in Texas, most counties have legal aid. Call you district court for the address & phone # of the nearest office. When you file for divorce & custody, make sure to ask that mom only get supervised visitation with the children, since she has drug problems. You can also request that she attend a drug/alcohol dependency evaluation before being allowed to see the children. If you can prove to the judge that she is more than likely using drugs or that others in her household are, the judge will usually grant these types of requests. Get police and criminal records on her and the other adults in the house to bring to the judge.

Whatever you decide to do as far as divorcing her goes, get the baby out of the house ASAP, before something happens to him.