really stuck in a mess

[kfandcrew]

What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania


For the last 8 out of 20 years I have been married, I've been dealing with adultery. We finally called it quits after months of counsel. He had three affairs that I know of, one with a 17 year old who became close friends with my daughter after we took this girl in to help her get on her feet, get a GED, a job, etc. He was 47 at the time and on viagra and banged her while his family was fast asleep. He went so far as to get engaged to this kid and stupid enough to have the jeweler send the appraisal papers to her mother's address (the adultress actually has the same last name as us, no relation). Her mother gave me everything she found as far as their affair went; love notes, pass codes to his voice mail at work, the engagement ring appraisal, etc. I guess I was in total shock, but I still felt there was some hope that we could work through this, and my daughter would somehow regain a relationship once again with her father. She is ruined by his behavior, and is also in counseling. She's slowly coming around, but this will be with her forever. His comment about her was "Don't worry, she will eventually get over it. We may not have a relationship now, but by the time she's 21 or so, she'll come around". She was 14 years old when he pulled all of this. This girl played my daughter while doing her father!! How sick can these people be?
To top things off, while we were counseling, he entered into another affair with a very young woman with a child. I had contact with her. At first she was defensive, but after a few emails, she started being a little more aware of how he treated her. We decided to meet and she cut all ties with him. She too forwarded emails, etc. He also bought her a ring, although it wasn't an engagement ring. I have proof of all three affairs, and some emails where he comes onto colleagues. Being the fool I was, I still thought we could try and work it out, but he had to move out and we would be on a trial seperation. That lasted four months. I finally came out of denial and realized what he has done to our family was just not worth it. My oldest daughter and son know about the affair with the kid and have lost total respect for this man, but my son still struggles and has a relationship with him, and my daughter craves a relationship with "a father" but not him. He has always seemed to put her last and she had resentments even before the disgrace he had caused.
He also thinks I am too fat for him (sz. 8) and he "doesn't want to hurt me no more". He is afraid he cannot stop having these affairs with these woman who love him so much! He is not really all that attractive, but his personality is what attracted me to him. He is really smooth and has so much charisma, until, of course, you get to know him.
I would like to move on as quickly as possible. I am 45. People tell me I am attractive and look in my early 30's. I am not one to settle for living the rest of my life alone after my children are all grown. I feel ready to start dating, although scarey after 20 years out of the circuit. I basically have been "alone" the last 8 years, while he was out getting dirty till all hours. I stood behind him through many "business ventures" and that is what he worked on so hard and why he came home late so often.
Here's the problem: Back in 1999 he bought a business and took a loan for almost $400,000. I signed NO personal guarantees, but the institute he borrowed from doesn't seem to want to settle anytime soon. He wants me to wait so they don't come after his personal assets if we divorce. Right now they can't touch him, cuz everything is in both our names. I will be shooting myself in the foot if I file now because if they go after him personally after a divorce, how will I survive with four kids and a need for financial support?? What can I possibly do to get the ball rolling? I feel as long as he is paying his "guilt money" (we trade pay checks, I'm part time - not bad) I can stash as much as possible so when the time comes to divorce, I will hopefully be somewhat ready financially. I asked my husband to sign an agreement of sorts, which I will have an attorney prepare. I will be asking for him to keep paying the guilt money, to agree that we live seperate lives so he can't get me for adultery if I should start to date, even though we're not even legally seperated. I also want him to sign NOW something that he will guarantee I will always have good medical insurance in case something should happen where I cannot work; I would like to continue to work part time until my youngest graduates high school; I would like 100% of capital gains on the sale of our home; and last I would like half his pension. I know that is a lot to ask, but if I have to be stuck in this useless marriage, he should really be obligated to meet my needs. I don't think I am asking a lot after everything he put us through. I do have leverage now and I may as well protect myself and my family by using it. At the same time, I do want to keep it as amicable as possible and get along with this moron for the sake of my kids. Even if I have to give him 10% of the capital gains from the house. We expect up to $250,000 once I sell this whore house. That should be enough for him to find a rental and some furnishings.
I also understand in PA it is not a crime to commit adultery. But with all the documentation I have and the fact that he put my kids through emotional turmoil, do I have a case to file a fault divorce in this state? Will it cost me everything we own? The capital gains is about all I will have since our debt is ridiculously high. I want to get as much as I possibly can for as long as I possibly can. Not for me alone, but all five of us. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I want to be good and prepared when it's time to walk in the attorney's office.